Drinky

Pakistan Foreign Minister Shah Mehmood Qureshi shares a laugh with Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, Wednesday, March 24, 2010, at the State Department in Washington. (AP Photo/Luis M. Alvarez)

OMG, Hillary just got so totally wasted at the State Department today! Fun! Condi's photo-ops were never, ever like this. Hiccup! Wheee!

Do you like Hil's new look? I pronounce it TOTALLY CUTE.

The Story So Far: Hillary Not as Photo-Oppy as Condi, but I Totally Hate This Coat

Belgium Foreign Minister Karel de Gucht (L) welcomes US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton before a 'transatlantic' dinner at Egmont palace. Clinton said Wednesday that she was very encouraged by the position of European nations on hosting inmates from Guantanamo prison, which Washington has moved to close. (AFP/Dominique Faget)

It's been what, like, a year now that Hillary Clinton has been SoS? OK, so let's evaluate: sifting through news photos of her just is not as much fun as it was with Condi. I mean, tracking the hairdo (so you don't have to) was a nerve-wracking occupation! You never knew when things in Condiland might go fabulously awry. In other words: don't hold your breath for an aglitter piano recital from Hils anytime soon.

I also enjoyed, obviously, the relentless succession and frequency, almost hypnotic, of Condi's incredible, mechanical, pre-tested, pre-programmed and marked-with-tape-on-the-floor photo-ops: the hallowed Matching Armchairs, the Dueling Podiums, the Madison Time. They were such wonderful snowflake-like creations, all alike yet all tantalizingly different and inane in their own unique ways.

Not so Secretary Pantsuit. She hasn't been an enthusiastic participant, so far, in the Matching Armchairs thing; most of the photos show her coming and going from activities rather than in staged "availabilities." She's done a few Madison Times and, naturally, the unavoidable Dueling Podiums, but they just don't have the same zany pizazz so frequently provided by Doctor Ferragamo's intriguing suits and tasteless accessories. The truth of the matter is that Hillary has turned into everything I feared: an uninspired dresser with neither poor nor great taste, a hairdo which fails to speak to me in even the tiniest voice, and an apparent preference to actually work rather than pose at working.

This approach fails to meet the needs of satirical bloggers. Tsk.

But, like I said, God, I just totally hate that coat.

The Decline and Fall of Condi's Empire: The Secretary of State's Shoes, Hairdos, and Fabulous Fashions, Part Four, 2008

Condi's final year was one of withdrawal and repetition. She was officially in re-runs. The word "Annapolis" popped up like a sad jack-in-the-box throughout every speech and interview she was to give right up until the very end. Maybe La Rice's career at the Department of State amounted to more than a string of failures and disappointments punctuated by countless inane photo-ops and vapid media puff-pieces, but if it did, I didn't notice. I liked it just fine!

The big story of the year, I suppose, was the Condi Veep Rumor™. This blog meticulously tracked this non-story right from the tiny seed of its birth, through several mutations and elaborations, right to its death in the glare of the Palin media blitzkrieg.

The highlights from Condi's final days as SoS:

• 01-08: 18% of the US Foreign Service agrees: Condi is great!
• 01-09: Security for Condi's latest Middle Eastern jaunt reported at $25,000 an hour.
• 01-14: Condi enjoys festive beverages, is wary of predatory birds, in Dubai.
• 01-16: Condi loses "Sexiest Woman in Politics" crown to Michelle Obama.
• 01-18: Favorite AP shot of Condi looking wasted.
• 01-23: Reuters Condirazzi concentrates on La Rice's feet, reveals $525 Manolo Blahniks.
• 01-26: Robert Novak touches off unfounded, speculative Condi Veep Rumors.
• 01-26: Oliver North calls Condi "Saleswoman-in-Chief."
• 02-11: Condi on black velvet.
• 02-20: She receives over-sized novelty scissors.
• 02-20: Much better Africa trip this time as Condi is surrounded by half-naked men (see below).
• 02-27: There's one of those diabolical gusts of wind again.

• 03-05: Condi and Olmert invent the meta-photo-op.
• 03-10: Condi meets a friendly furry.
• 03-17: The New Yorker wishes for some Condi Veep Rumors.
• 03-12: Reuters' Condirazzi upskirt contest still underway.
• 03-26: Steve Clemmons really gets the Condi Veep Rumors ball rolling with two totally speculative stories which will later mutate into "credible" rumors. Denials ensue immediately.
• 04-01: Condicising given most lavish attention yet. Invisible friend becomes visible.
• 04-03: George 'n' Condi at NATO: failing is so much fun!
• 04-07: Thandie Newton pledges to find her inner Condi for Oliver Stone.
• 04-08: Eugene Robinson wishes for the Condi Veep Rumors to come true, like me, for all the wrong reasons.
• 04-08: Condi Veep Rumor sideshow tent explodes.
• 04-11: Further Condi Veep Rumors investigations, and grateful Afghans present Condi with a souvenir paperweight.
• 04-14: Maddy 'n' Condi share an awkward moment.
• 04-14: PSP and Condi join forces to stave off Condi Veep Rumors.
• 04-17: Unlike Nancy Pelosi, Condi does not get to kiss the Pope's ring.
• 04-21: Condi's antleriffic makeover. Advantage: more photogenic. Disadvantage: can no longer fit on helicopter.
• 04-21: Condi receives cheap t-shirt from obese sheik (see below).
• 04-25: Bush 'n' Condi's supreme gross-out photo-op.
• 04-28: She frightens a defenseless American Idol contestant, forces photo-op.

• 05-08: Condi is clearly coasting in neutral.
• 05-13: Sunday shows award Condi "most boring" trophy.
• 05-20: "Princess Rolletta" is Condi's Taco Bell rap name.
• 05-22: PSP is unable to confirm rumors that State Dept. staffers are drawing mustaches on Condiportraits.
• 05-30: Condi joins the Kiss Army.

• 06-18: Al Kamen: Condi ignored by everybody now.
• 06-26: Japan declares torture "Condilicious."
• 06-30: Gorgeous photo-ops make up for total pointlessness of Condi's trip to China.
• 07-02: Condi offered as credible source of diplomatic advice to X-box players.
• 07-14: A dream date with Condi finally has a price tag: $750,000.
• 07-21: Late to the party but eager to please, Pravda prints Bush/Condi rumors.
• 07-28: Thandie/Condi hybrid revealed to a hysterically laughing public. Maybe she should have used a mask?

• 08-15: Condi brings photo-ops to wounded Georgians.
• 08-19: If you thought the Thandie/Condi hybrid was bad... Condi the Barbarian is worse.
• 08-19: Possible evidence of Condi skulking around my neighborhood.
• 08-21: Condi states that Poland needs missiles to protect itself from... North Korea.
• 09-05: Condi meets Daffy, her sole positive diplomatic accomplishment in four years.
• 09-08: CNN digs for Sarah Palin compliments from Condi, comes up dry.
• 09-09: Condi complains there aren't enough blacks at the DoS.
• 09-09: PSP investigation concludes that there are plenty of blacks at DoS, Condi just never sees them.
• 09-22: The Black Snob™ does an exhaustive Condi/Michelle Obama comparison so I don't have to.
• 09-24: Fame-hungry journalist Ian Halperin creates fanciful new retrospective Condi Veep Rumors by misreading and misunderstanding all the old Condi Veep Rumors.
• 09-28: Condi creates pandemonium at a New York City nail salon.

• 10-04: George burns Condi, makes trip to India more pointless than usual.
• 10-07: Bulgaria creates the most horrifying Condi effigy yet.
• 10-14: PSP theorizes that Condi has turned the DoS into an empty husk.
• 10-15: Umpteenth Middle East trip canceled so Condi can "help with the economic crisis."
• 10-18: Iraqis stage puppet show in honor of Condi.
• 10-22: "So when I want to feel really on top of things, I wear red."
• 10-22: And when she wants to feel really, really on top of things, she makes out with Maria Shriver.
• 10-26: Fake Condi/49ers rumors briefly surface.
• 11-05: Condi gets teary about Obama, but won't admit to voting for him.
• 11-06: Mean reporters keep talking about Condi's failures in the past tense.
• 11-11: Condi is queen for a night thanks to Glamour Magazine and Oscar de la Renta:

• 11-18: Condi deploys Ken Griffey, Jr. as her final sports star against terror.
• 11-24: Mean reporters persist in asking Condi how it feels to be a failure.
• 12-01: With the sands running out of the hourglass, Condi finally meets the Queen.
• 12-08: Condi gets to wear a $Gazillion in emeralds to impress Morgan Freeman.
• 12-10: NPR asks Condi if she'll miss "the blogs that follow your hairstyles and shoes." She responds, "I think I can live without that, thank you very much." PSP senses sarcasm.
• 12-22: Condi admits Bush Administration's standing in the Arab world "not great," but that didn't stop them from showering her with expensive presents.
• 12-28: Middle Eastern Shoe Art Renaissance finally embraces Condi, as predicted:

Bonus! 2009 Roundup:

• 01-12: Bush and Olmert burn Condi one last time, for old time's sake.
• 01-13: Condi stalked, taunted at Watergate beauty parlor.
• 01-15: She gives George two commemorative plaques, thanks for all the memories.
• 01-16: Condi waves goodbye to the State Department and has her final photo-op with, natch, Tzipi Livni.

And that's that! She came in with boots on her feet and left with a shoe taped to her head. What will Condi get up to next during this exciting new chapter in her life? Stay tuned to Princess Sparkle Pony, where I will STILL keep track of Condoleezza's hairdo so you don't have to.

Here's 2005, 2006, 2007.

What Would Condi Do? The Secretary of State's Shoes, Hairdos, and Fabulous Fashions, Part Three, 2007

The magical gust of wind, AP Photo, 01-17-07

2007 was a year when Condi appeared busier than ever (while accomplishing nothing), but the bloom was off the rose. Journalists like Glenn Kessler and Elizabeth Bumiller now were regularly reporting the more embarrassing aspects of Condi's career, and some began to wonder if maybe the airheaded, photo-op-obsessed shopaholic portrayed on this blog and Wonkette* (PSP alone became too small to contain all my Condi musings) wasn't the real Condi, after all. In response, Condi got a little more insulated, a little less fun, but full of surprises nonetheless. The highlights from year three:

• 01-03: Condi likes tiny yet perfectly-formed Rummy replacement much better.
• 01-05: She gets her Negroponte back.
• 01-11: Robert Novak reports that all the Republicans hate Condi.
• 01-17: Gust of wind produces best Condipic ever.
• 01-22: Hugo Chavez calls Dr. Ferragamo "Missy."
• 01-29: Condi Couture is introduced to a startled world:

• 02-03: PSP mentioned in otherwise serious article by Helene Cooper in NY Times.
• 02-05: Condi meets Don Cheadle.
• 02-06: Sparklemom points out that, unlike Nancy Pelosi, Condi simply does not know how to sit.
• 02-12: Condi 'n' Hadley: awkwarder and awkwarder.
• 02-12: Condi celebrates African American Heritage Month by praising George Bush.
• 02-15: Hugo Chavez has a valentine for Condi.
• 02-19: Condi embarks on her photo-oppiest trip to the Middle East ever.
• 03-05: The Condibot passes the adorable bear-king test.
• 03-10: Colombian surveillance video proves that Condi can't dance.
• 03-21: Reuters' Condi upskirt competition: the quest continues.
• 03-22: Condi has a four-photo-op Thursday.
• 03-27: Please keep back from the SoS:

• 04-04: Condibot malfunctions in public, fails to perform The Madison.
• 04-10: Oh, wait, no, THIS is the Condi photo of the year.
• 04-12: McCain hits the matching armchairs, ground zero for Condi Veep Rumors™.
• 04-26: PSP defends hairdo journalism.
• 05-02: PSP defends hairdo journalism.
• 05-03: Mysterious thief with "I love Condi" button strikes.
• 05-21: Condi visits Crawford, wears horrible Chanel sunglasses, wanders into a cactus patch.
• 05-23: Condi enlisted as walker for Nancy Reagan.
• 05-24: In her most pointless, puzzling photo-op ever, Condi rides shotgun in a prototype Tesla:

• 05-30: A shared taste in awful suits for Condi and the French foreign minister.
• 06-01: Destiny fulfilled as Dr. Ferragamo meets Mr. Zapatero.
• 06-05: Condi's South-of-the-Border diplomacy explained with hand turkeys.
• 06-08: Condi makes ASL sign for "lesbian" during AP interview.
• 07-06: Units mobilized to assist Condi playing golf.
• 07-31: PSP plays Spot the Kleenex™:

• 08-02: Condistaff drops expensive satellite dish from hotel rooftop.
• 08-13: Condi deploys Cal Ripken.
• 08-22: Forbes declares Condi Washington's "Most Eligible Bachelorette."
• 08-29: Glenn Kessler on Condi's reaction to having a quarter bounced off her butt: "She was flattered and proud."
• 09-06: Terrorists prevent Condi from playing golf in Australia.
• 09-11: 9-11 anniversary spurs memories of Condi hairdos past.
• 09-14: Meet Mrs. Condi.
• 09-20: PSP gives Condi a Papal makeover.
• 09-24: Howard Kurtz reveals that Condi is blacklisted from the Sunday shows because she's used up all her talking points.

Not the hair! Not the hair!

• 10-01: Associated Press issues correction for misspelling Condoleezza.
• 10-03: How does George keep Condi in line? Casual insults.
• 10-05: Concerned she isn't photographed enough, Dr. Ferragamo hires staff Condirazzi.
• 10-16: Condi's Red Dress of Grievances scandal breaks in the UK.
• 10-24: Red hands lady gets all up in Condi's grill (see above).
• 10-31: Condi loses BFF Karen "Kick-Ass" Hughes.
• 11-01: Turkish children use Condi as a dartboard:

• 11-03: Distinguished scholar of diplomacy refers to Condi as "Dr. Ferragamo."
• 11-05: Condi Roundup debuts on Wonkette.
• 11-12: Israelis coin the term "Lecondel," which means "To do like Condi," which means "To run around arranging a bunch of meetings which don't accomplish anything."
• 11-15: PSP provides visualization of Condi's telephone diplomacy.
• 11-16: Condoleezza Hairdo Alert System bumped momentarily for softer, spherical style.
• 11-26: The Matching Armchairs Photo-Op completely deconstructed.
• 11-26: NY Times publishes meanest Condi caricature yet.
• 11-27: Adorable cartoon Condi scorpion (see below) debuts in Jordan.
• 11-27: Condi's big party in Annapolis, her greatest accomplishment, happens, fails.

• 12-02: Condi hangs out with drunk driver, insane boy band alumnus, at Kennedy Center.
• 12-03: We learn that Condi found out about Hamas winning the elections while Condicising.
• 12-05: Condi snarls her way through the worst trip to Africa ever.
• 12-05: The Guardian publishes what is officially the meanest article about Dr. Ferragamo.
• 12-12: Yearly AP interview shows horrible toll on Condi.
• 12-13: Washington Post instructs readers to bake Condi Christmas cookies (see below).
• 12-17: Modest proposals given for redesigning Elizabeth Bumiller's Condiography.
• 12-18: Condi's WASPiness confirmed as she is spotted shopping for St. John Knits.
• 12-24: Condi's response to criticism: "Gee."

Stay tuned for the last installment!

*Note: several pictures in Wonkette's archives seem to have not survived their move from Gawker's servers. This is unfortunate.

Here's 2005, 2006, 2008/9.

SoS: The Secretary of State's Shoes, Hairdos, and Fabulous Fashions, Part Two, 2006

(AFP, 01-30-06)

2006 really was Condi's banner year. She did the most while accomplishing the least. By this time, Team Condi had everything down to a science. And while you may argue that Condi's tenure at the State Department constituted more than simply a series of vapid photo-ops, you have to admit that her tenure included an astounding number of them, most of which were faithfully dissected by yours truly. As Condi's routine gelled and settled, so too did this blog's fascination with the minutiae of her fairytale world increase. The highlights from year two:

• 01-06: Bush 'n' Condi allow "5-10 minutes" of their time for Colin 'n' Maddie photo-op.
• 01-06: Condi, Karen Hughes and Margaret Spellings, together at last.
• 01-13: Condi's resemblance to "Chucky Doll" noted.
• 01-16: Condoleezza Hairdo Alert System briefly raised to "Elevated" due to fanciful hats.
• 01-26: Jumbo Conditron is introduced.
• 02-13: We momentarily thought Condi had adopted a large, square afro:

(Reuters)

• 02-16: I indulged in more Condi afro fantasies.
• 02-25: Condi makes the cover of The Black Republican, a real magazine.
• 03-01: The exciting debut of network Condicising.
• 03-02: Condi 'n' Crazy Eyes, the dinner guests from Hell.
• 03-09: If looks could kill, Rumsfeld would be a pile of smoldering ashes.
• 03-12: Condi receives prank cocaine-lined ukulele with love from Bolivia.
• 03-14: Condi meets Elmo, as eerily foreshadowed by PSP.
• 03-16: Condi briefly forced to wear baseball cap, dine with mortals on Australian visit.
• 03-21: Condi does three matching armchairs photo-ops in one afternoon.
• 03-27: A new photo-op type is born as Condi rushes from one Sunday show to the next.
• 03-31: Romance with Jack Straw continues (see below) as Condi visits glamorous Blackburn.
• 03-31: "I know we have made tactical errors, thousands of them."

• 04-01: Pony Pal™ z7 introduces a still functioning Condiriffic diploclock.
• 04-02: Prevalence of Kleenex™ in Arab photo-ops noted.
• 04-06: State Department staffer surfs 53 pages of PSP in 26 minutes.
• 04-08: NY Times publishes puff piece on Condi's chamber music group.
• 04-11: Associated Press obtains hot Condi juvenalia.
• 04-25: Greeks pay tribute to Condi with a special puppet show.
• 05-01: And Rumsfeld glares right back at Condi. Who will win this battle of endurance?
• 05-05: MOMA acquires unflattering portrait of Condi.
• 05-07: Condi dumps Jack Straw.
• 05-08: Wasted Condi appears to fall asleep during Bush speech.
• 05-09: Condi honored by Time Magazine, wears satin, carries Judith Leiber purse.
• 05-10: Condi has to bat off an overexcited Javier Solana.
• 05-16: Her boring iPod playlist revealed.
• 05-16: Superiority of Reuters Yuri Gripas conclusively demonstrated when he wins the Condirazzi Iron Photo-Opographer challenge.
• 05-31: Condi introduces ring-toss as a way to liven up press conferences:

• 06-01: Condi introduces us to Ursula, her exact chromatic opposite. Later, Ursula would be revealed to be the Anti-Condi.
• 06-01: Hilarious Bush/Condi rumors are taken seriously for about five minutes.
• 06-03: The return of Condicising.
• 06-13: Condi 'n' Rummy: still super awkward.
• 07-03: PSP nails down the requirements for a truly cliché Condi presidential rumor article.
• 07-10: Afro fantasies reach their logical conclusion.
• 07-16: Wheee! Condi rides on a golf cart driven by Vladimir Putin.
• 07-20: Condi and Jesse Jackson, together at last.
• 07-24: Condi suffers a nearly complete hairdo breakdown in Lebanon.
• 07-26: "Touching her forehead" or "wincing in pain"? You decide!
• 07-27: Condi shakes off the bad times, dons a bizarre sparkley outfit, plays the piano.
• 07-29: Condi inspires renaissance of mean-spirited Lebanese caricature:

• 08-02: Condi becomes chic fashion accessory for goats.
• 08-03: What if Condi traveled back in time and appeared in a serigraph by William H. Johnson?
• 08-24: PSP endures 10-day Condi dry spell, survives.
• 09-01: Angela Merkel knocks Condi off the "Most Powerful Woman™" pedestal.
• 09-12: Condi has a whirlwind, caffeine-fueled dream date (see below) with hunky Peter MacKay.
• 09-12: Meet serial Condi portrayer Penny Johnson!
• 09-14: Reuters Condiographers begin Condi upskirt contest. All will fail.
• 09-25: Experimental "reaching across the banquet table" photo-op debuts, flops.

• 10-06: Condi completes terrifying 50-yard dash in Baghdad.
• 10-10: Vampire Condi officiates at gay wedding, almost bites Crazy Eyes.
• 10-18: Two words which always quicken my pulse in Condi photo captions: gusty winds.
• 10-18: Origin of "holding the invisible sphere" gesture found in Italian Surrealist sculpture.
• 10-19: Koreans make the prettiest anti-Condi graphics.
• 10-20: Multiple Chinese matching armchair photo-ops spoiled by enormous flower arrangements.
• 10-20: Karen Hughes likens Condi to 7th Century Muslim woman.
• 10-25: Condi flops on return to Heritage Foundation, neocons turn on her, too.
• 11-09: Condi introduces washed-up ice skater as latest weapon in the war on terror.
• 11-12: Condi vs. Rummy battle over, Condi wins.
• 11-15: Peter MacKay breaks up with Condi long-distance.
• 11-17: Condi 'n' Crazy Eyes wear ill-advised satin outfits to banquet.
• 11-21: She finally gets leid:

• 12-01: Protesters decide Condi is best represented by a hirsute bird puppet.
• 12-11: Hacky rom-com author gazes at Condi, finds her wanting.
• 12-12: Condi experiences bigger invisible spherical friend envy.
• 12-14: PSP longs for Condibot/Ben Bot romance.
• 12-19: Angry Condi avatar hits the WII.
• 12-29: We notice that Condi wisely keeps her ladyparts covered during close encounters with the rest of the Bush administration:

Another crazy year for Condi watchers! Note, however, that 2006 contained the crest of her fabulous trajectory as SoS, and by the end of the year, people would regularly be writing mean things about her and deciding that some dumpy German lady was more powerful. The nerve!

Stay tuned for 2007, a year of decline and embarrassments, and 2008, re-runs.

Here's 2005, 2007, 2008/9.

UPDATE: Condoleezza Rice Still Secretary of State

US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (R) and Georgian Foreign Minister Grigol Vashadze shake hands after signing a bilateral cooperation agreement at the State Department in Washington. The United States and Georgia signed a strategic partnership accord here Friday in a reaffirmation of US support for Georgia's sovereignty after its war with Russia in August. (AFP/Nicholas Kamm)

Haw! Even by Condi's standards, this is an impressively meaningless accord, coming as it does at the very end of an administration about to be systematically dismantled. But I'm sure she had a lovely chat* with Grigol, and the photo-op turned out nice. They also did a little dueling podium action:

(AP)

Aw. Part of me is going to miss having Condi at Foggy Bottom, but most of me feels that by now I've seen her complete repertoire. What's sad is that her raw ability to do something surprising or entertaining right this very moment is at an all-time high, but the likelihood of such happening is at an all-time low. Do you know what I mean? Like, she could just totally blow our minds with little or no effort! Like, she could just suddenly say fuck on network television and suddenly become hilarious and entertaining again. But, of course, these behavior types are not programmed into the Condibot's algorithms. You know how during the election people (including me) kept saying, hilariously, Let Sarah be Sarah? This is like totally the opposite of that: Let Condi be... Somebody Else! Anybody Else!

*You can read their podiumspeak here. You kinda get the feeling that this is Condi saying, "Sorry, you aren't getting into NATO, but here's a lovely parting gift."

The Glamorous Life

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, left, and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, right, holds a joint press conference in Amman, Jordan,Monday, March. 31. 2008. Rice says Mideast peace talks are "moving in the right direction" but is urging Israel to stop new settlement activities. (AP Photo/Nader Daoud)

Ooh, la la, that's a fabulous hand gesture! Condi's latest trip to the Mideast may be her most pointless yet, but this bucolic dueling podiums photo-op is divine. OMG, and after taking the week off, Condi Roundup is back at Wonkette to catch you up. Phew, I know. Next, Condi should be meeting with Jordan's adorable Daddy Bear Abdullah, so let's all agree to look forward to that.

More Amusing Condi/McCain Hand-Wringing

South Korean Foreign Minister Yu Myung-Hwan, left, and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice take part in a joint press availability, Wednesday, March 26, 2008, at the State Department in Washington. (AP Photo/Lawrence Jackson)

Wheee! So Condi went to talk to anti-tax bear Grover Norquist's little club today, and, oh, my! The Washington Note just fell into absolute spasms of overthinking and speculation and hypothesizing (two stories!) about what it all means.

BREAKING, they holler, Condi Rice Flirts With VP Possibility -- Speaks to Grover Norquist's Wednesday Group Meeting. OMG! And then they proceed to report... nothing of the sort. And then the whole thing devolves into that same article we've read a million times about rumors of Condi running for office. And like all these stories, there are explicit denials from the Princess Diplomat herself.

Oh, Washington Note, you're cute when you get excited.

UPDATE: In the comments, Washington Note's Steve Clemons responds to pink glittery critic!

Princess Diplomat Follow Up Pointless Trip to London with Pointless Trip to Afghanistan

Afghan President Hamid Karzai (C) addresses a joint press conference while US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (L) and British Foreign Minister David Miliband look on at the Presidential palace in Kabul. Rice denied the allied strategy to stabilise Afghanistan was failing, saying it was incomplete and needed innovation to crush "determined enemies. (AFP)

I saw this coming from a mile away: an OMG SECRET SURPRISE trip to Afghanistan with Mr. Miliband to visit Bush's Unocal buddy, Hamid Karzai. I like the rare triple podium shot, above, but the whole thing was boring, boring, boring. The best part was that Karzai's interpreter was absolutely terrible:

The sisters and brothers, you’re most welcome to the press conference today. I’m very happy and pleased and there are many issues of today that I will be discussing it with – friend, Secretary of State of the United States and British country. Today, they are – came with a message of friendship and I welcome them to Afghanistan and I appreciate and I’m thankful to the assistance that they have given Afghanistan.

Our talks were about the strengthening of the relationship between the countries to fight terrorism, improve my economy, and the (inaudible). And they, as always, promised their commitment at a time when Afghanistan stands on its feet and they will – they promised that they will fight the terrorism together and (inaudible) – I welcome both to Afghanistan and I am thankful to the extraordinary assistance that both country has given to Afghanistan.

Ha, ha, ha, what? The only part that came across accurately, I believe, is when he said they came to "improve my economy," and I have no doubt that's his primary concern. As for the rest of the country? Well, there's always the ever-dependable heroin crop. Also while she was there, Condi had to talk to reporters outside in the freezing cold:

(AFP, as if I need to say, because they always use that stupid black border)

She also talked to girl soldiers:

The funniest thing about the above photo is that Reuters' caption contains a stern warning saying EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS. Darn it! I wanted to use it for ads for my new lesbian paintball arena! Oh well, back to the drawing board.

And then, finally, the inevitable matching armchairs photo-op with dreamy Hamid, always the best-dressed world leader:

(AFP)

Where does that man shop? GOD his clothes are so beautiful.

Now That We're All Totally Over Being Wild for Boyzilians, Let's Get Back to Condi

Albanian Foreign Minister Lulzim Basha, left, meets with Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Tuesday, Jan. 29, 2008, at the the State Department in Washington. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)

It's pretty much back to normal for Condi, and that means returning to the classic photo-ops! Seen above, she's back cozied in her nest of matching armchairs in the State Department's luxury greeting salon with the not unpleasant looking Albanian diplobot. Yesterday she did a "dueling podiums" with Stephen Smith, the Australian Condi:

(AP Photo)

And, you know, I love how she looks kinda fed-up in the above shot. Maybe the press conference was boring (it was)? Poor thing, after being swept up in luxury travel and ski lodges and parties with predatory birds in Dubai and lovely strawberry drinks... well, wouldn't you get bored at a routine presser, too?

There was a funny part, though: flirting! Here are the two discussing their favorite topic:

FOREIGN MINISTER SMITH: Could I say that from a selfish, personal point of view, as a person who comes from Perth and Western Australia, one of the most enjoyable parts of the meeting was inviting the Secretary to come to visit Perth and Western Australia, which I’m happy to announce she gratefully accepted, so I’m very pleased to say that not only will formal conversations continue in the usual way, but at some stage in the course of this year, we’ll see Secretary Rice in Perth and Western Australia. Thank you.

SECRETARY RICE: I very much look forward to that and I see smiles on the faces of my traveling press corps, so look forward to it.

Yay for trips! Yay for traveling press corps! Everybody wins!

Unpleasant Condibot Malfunctions

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, right, meets with Haiti's Prime Minister Jacques Edouard Alexis to discuss immigration and job creation, Wednesday, April 4, 2007, at the State Department in Washington. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)

I think it just wasn't Team Condibot's day, that's the only way to explain it. I mean, look at that picture! That's clearly not the real Dr. Secretary, so it must be the labor-saving, Disneytronic Condibot, and just as clearly the programming has gone horribly awry. Tsk.

You want more evidence? Well, as Pony Pals™ know, I've categorized the different kinds of Condiography setups: the matching armchairs, the dueling podiums, the have you met my friend? He/she was just leaving (also known as the Bum's Rush), etc. I think my favorite photo-op is the Madison Time, in which Condi 'n' pals appear to be treating the Condirazzi to a rousing performance of the early-60s dance craze. Madison Time is a tricky photo-op, and as you'll see below, the Condibot, accompanied by the Dutch Hula-Hoop guy and wee yet perfectly-formed Robert Gates, simply wasn't up to the task:

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, center, walks with Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, right, and NATO Secretary General Jakob de Hoop Scheffer at the State Department Wednesday, April 4, 2007 in Washington. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

Oh, terrible footwork! They're all over the place! I believe the Condibot is a poor choice when performing the Madison is required; let the real Condi shine in these situations. Anyway, then those three crazy kids did their stand-up routine:

Watch out, Condi! The Hula Hoop guy has a pie behind his back!

Condidaze: Twofer Tuesday!

OK, OK... I know I've been a little sour lately about Condi, but I have a duty to keep everybody up to date on Condi's fashions and minute hairdo variations, because those Ferragamos aren't going to spot themselves, are they? OMG, so speaking of Ferragamos, here's a fine pair appearing with La Belle Rice and one of her gal pals caught on film by Sparklefave Yuri Gripas earlier today:

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (R) shakes hands with New Zealand's Prime Minister Helen Clark before their meeting at Blair House in Washington March 20, 2007. REUTERS/Yuri Gripas (UNITED STATES)

Isn't that cute that it's like they're all chromatic opposites 'n' stuff? We've seen this before, too. What's up with that? Why does it seem like successful female world leaders want to appear as opposite of Condi as possible? I simply can't think of any reasons! I don't know; I just can't grasp the symbolism here.

Anyway! OK, so yesterday was a busy Monday in Condiland, filled with cuddles 'n' hugs for just everyone! Well, not everyone, as you'll see later. But she did a dueling podiums photo-op with this great guy:

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (L) and E.U. Secretary General Javier Solana speak to reporters after a working lunch at the State Department in Washington, March 19, 2007. (Jonathan Ernst/Reuters)

And I just love that guy! He always gets so excited around Dr. Secretary! I wish CBS would give those two a sitcom.

And speaking of Ursula Plassnik, which we weren't (whatever), Condi spent a lot of quality time with Ursula's German pal yesterday before she had to contend with Señor Solana's flailing extremities. Here's the classic, ever-dependable matching armchairs shot:

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, right, meets with German Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier at the State Department in Washington, Monday, March 19, 2007. (AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)

You remember him, right? Staring at Ursula's chest? And doesn't Condi look like she's clenching up her nether regions more than usual, like totally twist-tie city? Well, I think this next picture, from earlier in the day, helps explain that. Indeed, it seems that Herr Steinmeier was trying a little to hard to impress our chaste diplomatrix:

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, right, looks on as German Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier speaks during the U.S.-E.U. Energy Technology CEO Forum, Monday, March 19, 2007, at the State Department in Washington. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

And that's two days in the life of our Secretary of State! I'm giving two glittery hooves up for today's red suit and, obvs, her glamorous footwear. Yesterday's velvety blue? Eh, it was OK. What lies ahead this Condiweek? Isn't she going to that lesbian place again?

Condi's Back to Basics, Plus Bonus False Hairdo Alert!

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (R) and Tzipi Livni, Israel's Deputy Prime Minister and Minister of Foreign Affairs, hold a joint news conference at the State Department in Washington March 14, 2007. (Jonathan Ernst/Reuters)

OK, so this is kind of a catch-up, but that's the Good Doctor Ferragamo yesterday performing a dueling podiums photo-op with Tzipi at the State Department. So nothing special, right? And today, predictably, was matching armchairs day, but say hello to a subtly yet noticeably altered hairdo:

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (R) greets Pham Gia Khiem, Vietnam's Deputy Prime Minister and Minister of Foreign Affairs, at the State Department in Washington March 15, 2007. REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst (UNITED STATES)

I'm hesitant to call this a "new" coiffure, but there's just enough intrigue here to raise the Condoleezza Hairdo Alert System™ to the "elevated" level. You know, just to be safe. Please adjust your plans for Friday accordingly.

Oh, and I'm sure she talked about tons of boring stuff with the Vietnam guy.

UPDATE! Sorry, false alarm. This was just posted minutes ago:

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Malta's Foreign Minister Michael Frendo shake hands after signing a bilateral Proliferation Security Initiative (PSI) shipboarding agreement at the State Department in Washington Thursday, March 15, 2007. (AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)

"He's Mine Now... Alllll Mine!"

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice smiles as John Negroponte, right, is introduced as President Bush's nominee for Deputy Secretary of State in the Roosevelt Room of the White House in Washington, Friday, Jan. 5, 2007. (AP Photo/Gerald Herbert)

I think I see what's going on now: Condi, tired of Stephen Hadley's non-stop pestering, had to bring in a full-time cockblocker to keep him in check. Good luck with that! She looks happy with her new Negroponte, though, so that's what really matters. Anything to smooth out that tortured forehead.

Later, she met with some boring Asian guy, and I wouldn't even be posting this were it not shot by Sparklefave Yuri Gripas:

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice looks as South Korea's Foreign Ministry Song Min-Soon during a joint news conference at the Benjamin Franklin room of the State Department, after their meeting, January 5, 2007. (Yuri Gripas/Reuters)

Their Love Stretches Across the Gulf which Separates Their Podiums

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice , right, walks with Canadian Foreign Minister Peter MacKay towards the podium for their joint news conference at the State Department in Washington, Thursday, Dec. 21, 2006. (AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta)

Ohhh, tongues (mostly Canadian ones) are going to be wagging (again), because here's Condi quivering with excitement to be with her foxiest colleague, dreamy diplohunk Peter MacKay, once again. And I seriously doubt that Condi chose this occasion to trot out her hottest red suitlet merely because it was next in line on the rack in her voluminous closet. Look here, you can see the lusty electricity crackling in this otherwise standard dueling podiums shot:

See? She's even presenting him with her invisible, spherical object! And doesn't he look entranced? It's LUV. I hope they've gotten past that little incident where he publicly disavowed their torrid affair.

One issue: why didn't Condi have the sense to stage this photo-op at a nearby Starbuck's?