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Condi Roundup!

Above: Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice speaking at the J.P. Morgan Healthcare Conference in San Francisco Wednesday. Image Credit: Mark Sullivan/VentureBeat

 It's a new Condiyear! So what's America's Princess Diplomat been up to? Well, not much, actually. But seeing Condi in a brand new Matching Armchairs Photo-Op Live! On Stage! filled me with nostalgia for bygone Condidays.

On the other hand, OMG, what is UP with those dorm chairs? Those are terrible. Anyway, this was at the J.P. Morgan Healthcare Conference, so that's got to be one of her full-price gigs, so well worth enduring a bad armchair in front of an audience of pharmaceutical executives. Condi said some vague things about terror 'n' such, complained about Edward Snowden, revealed that the world is a dangerous place, and suggested that the US send troops to the Balkans because, my goodness, that sounds like the best idea ever. Reminder: Dr. Ferragamo was paid more than what the average American makes in a year for today's brief staged interview. Gooooo Condi!

I know you all are fans of Condi Veep Rumors™, and we briefly enjoyed NFL Commissioner Condi Rumors a few months ago, so how about some Condi Running To Fill Barbara Boxer's Senate Seat Rumors? Sounds great, right? Alas, those fun-sounding rumors have already come and gone, so we'll have to wait a few more months for Condi Veep Rumors™ to start bobbing up again.

So other than CVRs, what will 2015 bring Condiwatchers? Canned speeches and paychecks, same as always.

Condibots On The Loose? Condibots On The Loose!

(Photo: Wayne Armstrong)

Seems like a drag of a new Condi sighting: there she is, plopped in a chair at a groundbreaking for what sounds suspiciously like the new most boring place on earth, the Joseph Korbel School of International Studies at the University of Denver. This is as routine as Condigigs get.

Or so you thought! See, if you are a close Condiwatcher like me and, I suspect, most readers of this blog, things can get strange in Condiland pretty quickly:

Rice said the new complex “will allow this great school to push forward — it will allow this school to find more Condi Rices who are searching out there for what they might do and decide that they belong in a world quite different from their own. A world that is increasingly complex, increasingly diverse, and therefore needs the diversity of talents and people who can find and make sense of our common humanity when so much tries to tear us apart.

Wait, whhhhhat? What's all this about more Condi Rices out there? What is she saying, exactly?

I have a theory.

Long-time Pony Pals know of the existence of the Condibots, those labor-saving, Disneytronic artificial Condoleezzas frequently sent out on routine missions (they were particularly useful to the Bush administration). But isn't this boring groundbreaking just exactly the kind of dud for which the Condibots were developed? 

No, this is the real Condi at this dreadful broad-daylight event. Why? Because the Condibots have escaped! You heard her! "More Condi Rices" out there! She said it plain as day.

Let's emphasize what has happened:

THE CONDIBOTS HAVE ESCAPED.

So what they've doing is this, and it's clever: they're building this really boring and pointless foreign policy center to lurrrrre in the escaped Condibots so that they can be recaptured!

See? That's how a boring Condi story becomes a GREAT Condi story, when you know enough to read between the lines before falling asleep.

Watch out for the Condibots! They're out there somewhere! I bet right now they're wandering aimlessly around an alley behind the Heritage Foundation headquarters.

People Have Things 'N' Stuff To Say About Condi Commish Rumors

(Sparkle Pony Flashback to October 22, 2005!)

It's fun to have fresh Condiproduct back in the news for the first time since all those fake Condi Veep Rumors in 2012. The NFL commissioner stories have this yearning quality to them, because Condi has stated before that that's her dream job, so BIOGRAPHY, PEOPLE, IT'S WHAT SELLS. You know, bookends 'n' such, genuine Hallmark Hall of Fame stuff. Everyone wants this story to happen, even if they're unsure why or outright skeptical. So who is saying what about Commissioner Condi?

• Noah Wyland at ABC News has a kind of "sure, why not?" approach to Condi, but points out that it's unlikely Roger Goodell will leave any time soon. "Rice’s appeal could hinge on her offering a more sophisticated public face to the league and its fans, a more worldly outlook commensurate with her work as secretary of state," Wyland states with a straight face. Mr. Wyland! Condoleezza Rice was not a good secretary of state! Under Bush, her role was reduced to vapid spokesmodel. The NFL shouldn't hire her as commissioner; they should hire her to do TV commercials.
• John Kass at the Chicago Tribune thinks the NFL should can Goodell and promote Condi because chicks dig Condi, basically. 
• Newsmax has a routine retelling of Jonathan Cepeheart's ridiculous editorial which got this whole ball rolling, but I love this comment wherein a Condifan laments that Dr. Ferragamo becoming NFL commissioner would seriously derail Condi Veep Rumors. "Rice/Carson 2016!"
• Larry O'Connor at the Washington Free Beacon cleverly says, "Have a problem with Ray Rice? Solve it with Condi Rice!" And that's pretty much where I stopped reading that article.
• "Now, some are saying Condoleezza Rice.... should replace Goodell," says Fox News. Nope! Just one person! Just one blogger at the Washington Post!
• Who expected The Hill to be the real spoilsports? "Roger Goodell believes his job is safe." Well then.

What do I think? I'm torn. I'd like Condi to be in the news more, but not at the expense of having to regularly write about football. Plus, seriously, Condi has the plushiest job ever right now, safely ensconced in her tightly controlled little Stanford bubble and her micromanaged yet bafflingly lucrative speaking engagements. Is she really ready to leave that for real work? I doubt it. I'm holding out for Condi Veep Rumors to start up again.

Forget Condi Veep Rumors (For Now), Let's Have Some Condi Commish Rumors!

(PSP Flashback to 08-16-2012.)

I have no problem with Jonathan Capehart at the Washington Post. OK, not usually. But his thing about Condi coming to rescue the NFL is just... daffy. It's a weird and bad piece of writing which appears to be more proof than a lot of Post writers are flying solo, without editors.

See, the big problem is that Capehart is talking about Condoleezza Rice and football, but he's also writing about the NFL's doldrums and the unsavory notoriety of Ray Rice. We're thrown a helpful "No relation to Condi" aside (!!!LOL!!!), but that doesn't keep phrase like this, published below a huge picture of Condi, from being disconcerting:

the depths of Rice’s depravity

Yow, Condi! Oops, I mean Ray, whatever.

But how about Condi? Let's talk about her qualifications for becoming NFL commissioner and saving the sport for all mankind:

Rice really loves football, especially because of its similarities to military strategy.

Well, dang, since you put it THAT way, why not Condi? What are you waiting for? DRAFT THAT CONDI.

Condi Roundup!

It's been a while since we've caught up with America's Princess Diplomat. Sure, I check now and again, but truth is, Condi just isn't up to much these days. It's a little too early still for the inevitable Condi Veep Rumors, so we'll have to make do with what we can get.

Let's go right for the jugular first. Oooh, somebody named Barry Switzer, who I believe is a sportsball celebrity of some kind, had the COLOSSAL NERVE to disparage Condi's presence  on the college football playoff selection committee:

"I don't know if Condoleezza Rice --- I admire her and what she's accomplished but I don't think she's played anywhere and I don't think she coached. Someone's going to have to tell her, direct her where she votes. She certainly doesn't have any first, second, third or fourth-hand knowledge."

WHO IS THIS FANGIRL CHICK? in other words.  "I don't think she's played," he gripes, thinking of, oh, just oodles of opportunities Condi must have had to play tackle football when she was a young lass. Ha ha ha, this Barry Switzer guy is obviously a dick, but he does have a point!

Happier times for Dr. Ferragamo are those times when she gets paid wheelbarrows full of monstrous sums of money to give short, could-do-it-in-her-sleep speeches to unchallenging groups of conventioneers and high school students. So how has that been going?

Very well!

Later this month, for instance, Condi will keynote the exciting and prestigious Josef Korbel School of International Studies Korbel Dinner (whew!) at the University of Denver. Sounds WILD. And then in October she'll keynote (I know, I know, I really shouldn't verb that word. I'll stop) the even more challenging and glamorous sounding Girls Inc. "Invest in a Girl" dinner. I'm predicting lots of texting and eye-rolling from this crowd. (Just kidding! Girls Inc. seems fine?)  I can already compose Condi's "believe in yourself and do what you love" speech in my head, and the young women in the audience will surely react as young women often do when faced with a Condinspirational talk.

Let's look back a little, now. Here's a fun group at the Aspen Institute:

(Christina Capasso/The Aspen Times) 

Condi and Maddie together! That's uncommon. They were boring, sorry. And look! It's adorable, teensy-weensy Robert Gates! It's nice to see Gates out of his neck brace, because the "broken doll" vibe just wasn't working for him. Sorry, that was insensitive.

But! Speaking of Madelaine Albright, and speaking of former secretaries of state, and speaking of Condi, or rather, of not-Condi, this happened today:

(ABC News)

Let's see.... John Kerry, Hilary Clinton, Colin Powell, Maddy... Baker... Kissinger. Somebody's.... missing? This is a hard one. Has an important American secretary of state been omitted? Ooh, I know, I know! George Shultz!  I can't think of anybody else whose opinion matters being left out.

Oh, wait, they forgot Condi, too! ASSHOLES.

This has been your Condi Roundup.

Condi Unveiled

(Getty Images. Click for bigger.)

Yesterday at the State Department, John Kerry unveiled the official portrait of Condoleezza Rice! I completely forgot this day was coming! After all, I covered the supremely awkward event when Condi unveiled Maddy's portrait back in 2008. I can't even imagine how uncomfortable this latest unveiling must have been, given that it came right on the heels of Dick Cheney's insane editorial in the Wall Street Journal about Iraq.

It's frustrating that the DoS didn't release proper photographs of the painting so that I could rip it apart more efficiently. Look, I never expect these things to be great, but compared to this, the Maddy portrait looks like a masterpiece. This one... is terrible. Really awful: a gigantic head perched upon a tiny body in front of a totally uninspired background. It is neither good enough to be good, or bad enough to be good.

The only great thing about the painting is that the artist chose to show America's Princess Diplomat in red, which recalls Condi's deep thoughts on this subject:

QUESTION: What is your favorite color?

SECRETARY RICE: Oh, well, that’s interesting. I love navy blue. I love navy blue. But when I want to feel really on top of things, I wear red. (Laughter.) I wear red because my mother told me once – and this is the thing with age again – when I was younger, I liked to wear pretty muted colors. And my mother said, “When you get to be 35, all of a sudden you’re going to want to wear red.” I had no idea what she meant, but she was right. So when I want to feel really on top of things, I wear red.

It also brings to mind Dr. Ferragamo's infamous "Red Dress of Grievances," the ghastly scarlet couture gown which made Great Britain sit up and hate Condi.

Also, why did the artist stick Condi in a corner? Was she bad? Yes, she was very, VERY bad.

It's a shame they couldn't have just borrowed the Museum of Modern Art's outstanding Condiportrait by Luc Tuymans:

Or they could have saved a bundle by purchasing this stirring black velvet Condi which, honestly, is no worse than the official portrait:

Or perhaps they could have hunted down my all-time favorite Condiart, the adorable Scorpion Condi made by a talented yet mean-spirited Jordanian cartoonist:

Or "Devil Condi" by a similarly cruel Lebanese illustrator:

Noma Bar's drawing of her from the New York Times:

Why does it have to be a painting? How about this marvelous sculptural Condi from the Arab Shoe Art Renaissance:

Or even Code Pink's insane Disneyland Greeter Condi::

But who am I kidding? They totally should have commissioned me to do a giant-sized version of my Kiss Condi:

UPDATE: Why didn't they have George Bush paint it? That could have been GREAT.

Condi Decides Not To Besmirch Joyous Celebration After All

 

(Photo via Bhupali Kulkarni's Twitter)

Oooooh, those Rutgers meanypants have gotten their way, and America's Princess Diplomat has decided not to alight daintily upon the podium at their graduation ceremony, because, ew, war criminal. Tsk. It's their loss! They're the ones who won't get to hear Condi's inspirational speech about following your dreams 'n' such. Who is going to inspire them now?

There are a lot of photos of the student protests from this past week on the Twitters. The protestors' painted Condibanner, seen above, is utterly brutal. I would very much like to buy that painting, please.

Condibox! Because Tech Companies Are Still Supercool!

Great news, everybody! Now, every time you use Dropbox, you're helping to keep Condi in her Ferragamos! The annoying app company or whatever it is selected Condi because she's always been known to show superior business acumen, displayed great knowledge of Silicon Valley in general and "Cloud" technology (ugh) in particular. Ha, ha, just kidding! They hired her because she's a celebrity spokesmodel who on occasion may be called upon to help grease a few foreign palms.

Hooray for Condi! Hooray for Dropbox! Oh, and don't forget that Condi is also the RNC's new spokeslady for income inequality issues 'n' such. It's great to be Condi!

UPDATE: Holy cow, response on Twitter is brutal.

And, as was inevitable, here's Drop Dropbox.

Jennifer Rubin Looked Upon Condi, And Lo, It Was Good

Oh, yes! This is so good: Jennifer Rubin, who you'll recall is a Sid and Marty Krofft parody of a neoconservative, has figured out how to stop worrying and love Condi!

Condi's always been kept at arm's length by the hardcore neocons like Rubin and the Weekly Standard crowd. Sure, she's got an interventionist outlook on foreign policy, but was she ever belligerent or interfere-y enough? Not really, and plus, they all knew that she was merely a spokesmodel for Cheney and Wolfowitz and company anyway, so whatever, They like her OK.

So why the heaps of praise now? My goodness, Jennifer is declaring Condi to be The New GOP Kingmaker for Republicans who "desire to reassert America's place in the world." (You should be cringing now.) Why the change of heart and all the respect 'n' stuff? The answer is stunningly cynical:

To be blunt, she is a charming and elegant figure, a personality which Republicans are badly in need of featuring. Instead of Sarah Palin as kingmaker, what if Rice became the new go-to Republican with the chops to fundraise and elevate pro-defense Republicans? (In addition to foreign policy, she’s an articulate and impassioned advocate for education reform.) Should she take up that role, she’d have an impact not only in 2014 but in 2016. The more strong-on-defense conservatives (like John Bolton) get into the arena and the more incumbent Republicans understand there are both policy and political reasons to support a forward-leaning foreign policy, the faster the isolationist impulses on the right will evaporate.

So what Rubin is saying is that Condi is telegenic and presentable and popular, and therefore is useful as a soft intro for the real hardcore warmongers. America's Princess Diplomat wedges her Ferragamo in the door, and John Bolton waltzes through.

That's what Jennifer Rubin thinks of Condi: Neocon gateway drug. And here's the really galling thing: she's absolutely 100% correct!

Dream Date With Condi Still SUPER Expensive

(PSP flashback to one of Condi's many super-exciting gigs.)

The good news for Condi is that she's giving the keynote address at Rutgers University's anniversary shindig. The even better news for Condi is that she's getting $35,000 to do it. So that's her non-profit rate, her academic discount. Oodles of Ferragamos, yay!

Did I mention that America's Princess Diplomat is the GOP's new spokeslady for income inequality? She's doing an awesome job!

It's January, 2014, So I Am Detecting Only The Faintest Stirrings Of Condi Veep Rumors™

(Dr. Condoleezza Rice addresses the crowd during the Hindustan Times Leadership Submit, Dec. 7, 2013, in New Delhi. Ajay Aggarwal/Hindustan Times/Getty Images)

Poor Ali Weinberg at ABC News had a tough assignment: apparently, somebody noticed that Condi was giving political speeches 'n' such, so they were all, like, "Hey, Ali, what's up with Condi giving speeches 'n' such? Can we have some Condi Veep Rumors™, please?"

But despite the teaser headline, Weinberg does an excellent job answering the question with, "No, not really. She's been giving speeches 'n' such for a while now, OK?" Well done, indeed! This is probably one of the most accurate things I've read about America's Princess Diplomat in some time.

Condoleezza Rice Hired To Fight The Poor

(PSP Flashback to 2006! Income inequality spokesmodel Condi shown here with a Judith Leiber clutch.)

So the NRCC decided they needed a more convincing spokesmodel for income inequality than the usual rich old white guys at their disposal. Who better than Condi?

Indeed, who better than Condi, a woman who failed her way to the top, continued to fail AT the top, and now is filthy rich because she travels around in private jets to give the same tired speech at corporate events for five-figure paychecks, to discuss income inequality!

Oh, wait, what's that you're saying? You mean she's going to be their spokesmodel for addressing and combating income inequality?

That's hilarious!

Condi: More Popular Than Angela Merkel, Less Popular Than Sarah Palin

(PSP Flashback to when Condi met Daffy, 09-05-2008!)

It's Gallup, so take it with a grain of salt, but every year they poll dumb Americans who still have landline telephones "to name, in an open-ended format, the man and woman living anywhere in the world they admire most."

The results are impressive for America's Princess Diplomat, because, well, because she's on the list! Not bad for not having ever contributed anything of significance to society whatsoever other than her Lifetime Movie-esque biography. Snaps for Condi!

Super-dee-duper good news, however, for Hillary:

Bush/Condi Affair Rumors Verified By... Oh, Wait, Never Mind, It's Globe Magazine

Above is the latest cover of Globe. You know, at the checkout! I love how Globe is like how the National Enquirer used to be when it was good, when it was always willing to just make that shit up. You can get the gist of the article at this very trashy link (warning).

Love the inset shot of Sad Condi.

What Do Sick Children, Piano, Golf, And Intervention In Syria Have In Common? Condoleezza Rice!

Well, my goodness, readership of this blog has been plummeting lately (too much photoblogging on the photoblog, I imagine), so I guess I better write about Condi! What I love about Dr. Ferragamo is that she is one of the most boring people on the planet, and yet, paradoxically, she's superfun to talk about, and, well, let's face it: she is my muse! So let's play catch-up, shall we?

OK, so first of all, there is nothing more thrilling to me than an article about America's Princess Diplomat which includes the magic words View the Slideshow, and that's what we get from Al.com, your source for all things Alabama. Follow plucky Condi and her golf buddy, Tom Lehman, as they exploit, I mean visit (sorry!) Children's of Alabama, a hospital positively brimming with sick youngsters with whom concerned celebrities may pose. The first photo is my favorite because it's so utterly baffling:

(Joe Songer/jsonger@al.com)

I love that Al.com feels no need to explain what is happening is this bizarre photograph. It looks all the world like they are examining an industrial dijonnaise bladder.  I could write a play based upon this photograph. Maybe I will! Here's an *exclusive* excerpt:

Nurse: As you can see, the industrial dijonnaise bladder has loads of personality. I call this one "Caroline."

Condi: I can't tell you how moving it is to see this industrial dijonnaise bladder.

Patient: I like to place small objects on the industrial dijonnaise bladder. It makes me forget that I'm sick.

Tom Lehman: This is the greatest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Note the skill with which she places the small object on the industrial dijonnaise bladder.

Nurse: She's come a long way. Only two days ago this patient was too depressed to care about even small, single-serving packets of America's favorite mustard/mayonnaise-based condiment, and just look at her now!

Condi: Have I mentioned that we should intervene in Syria? *breaks into song*

And then it's somebody else's turn:

Truly, life is so much better when you have no idea what's going on. If Condi has taught us anything, it is that. Look at her! She is transfixed!

I suppose I could, you know, READ the article to see if this mysterious series of photographs is explained but... see the preceding paragraph.

OK, next! Earlier in the month, Our Beloved played piano in –get this– Beverly Hills for her charity which benefits music programs for children. That's fine! I have no problem with that.

On the other hand, would you believe that Condi wants us to intervene in Syria? Of course she does. And it's so wonderful that CBS News pays her to sit there and say, "the United States doesn’t have an option of no action"? Money well spent! It turns out that ONLY the United States can intervene, because if we don't, something will spread. I'm not sure what will spread. Condoleezza Rice doesn't really say what, exactly, will spread throughout the region, but it's sure to be bad if the United States doesn't further complicate things. Because we can! This is the entirety of her argument. Adorable.

Finally, most college students will have fun this summer, but a handful of young people at prestigious Buena Vista University in bustling Storm Lake, Iowa, have been singled out for punishment and sentenced to the dreadful task of reading Condi's books so that they can chat about them with the author this Fall. Poor things.

This has been your Condi Update! Go forth with this knowledge and prosper!

Condi Book Deal Creates Instant Condi 2016 Rumors

Condiproduct alert! Here's some great news: Henry Holt just gave Dr. Ferragamo a wheelbarrow full of money to write a new book! It'll be about democracy 'n' such, "at home and abroad," as the press release says, so... sounds boring? Yes, it sounds very boring.People want biography from Condi, not political science.

But! That's not the way  the delightfully-named Husna Haq at the Christian Science Monitor sees it. "You know what that means," she teases. "Rumors are already building that Rice may run in 2016, with her forthcoming book as her ticket back on the national stage." Uhhh... no, Ms. Haq (I LOVE THAT), rumors are not already building; they're just starting, and you're starting them! And for that I am, after all, thankful.

Haq continues: "Does this book mean Condi’s running in 2016? Of course, it’s a little too soon to tell, and the former secretary of state has repeatedly said she’s not interested. Nonetheless, it does open the door for speculation."

Yes it does. Speculation from Haqs, at least.

There's A Metaphor In Here Somewhere

 

(Getty Images) 

Condoleezza Rice and golf just don't go together, as I've noted before. This time, she's just stone cold whacking people on the head with her balls (presumably not the first time):

The ball struck a spectator on her forehead, which gushed with blood and sent her to the ground to recover.

The woman wept in pain while her daughter applied towels and medical personnel hustled over. Rice apologized to the woman and had an assistant get her phone number.

The rest of the game went downhill from there. 

Why do people keep putting dangerous objects in Condi's hands? Haven't they learned by now?

Thanks to Pony Pal David for the tip!

CBS News Wanted To Hire An Insightful Political Commentator, But Instead Chose Condoleezza Rice

(Sparkle Pony flashback to April 30, 2006)

I've said before that America's Princess Diplomat is the luckiest duck in the world. She travels from exclusive corporate function to exclusive corporate function, gives the same bland speech and occasionally throws out some benighted opinions about current events, and then goes back to Stanford where evidently not much is expected of her. And at each stop along the way, she picks up her speaker's fee, said to be in the five figures.

And now, as if Condi hasn't enjoyed the largesse of corporate welfare quite enough, we learn that Bob Shieffer has announced that CBS has hired Dr. Ferragamo to be a regular, paid, staff contributor, rather than just having her on for free all the time. This is a particularly rich vindication for Condi, because at one point she was actually banned from CBS for being a "frustrating" talking point mimic.

Longtime Pony Pals may recall that Condi and CBS/Shieffer have a bit of a complicated history! Let's review:

• March 13, 2005: Bob Shieffer is all, like, "Huminahuminahumina" over Condi's sexy boots.
• April 30, 2006: "That sounds like a dodge," grouses Bob at Condi's incessant talking points.
• September 24, 2007: Condi is effectively banned from CBS. Schieffer explains, "I expected we'd just get a repetition of the administration's talking points."

That was then. But now –now!– they'll get superinsightful Condianalysis! Great buy, CBS. Maybe Condi will wear the boots again, Bob.

"Do Not Touch The Condibot. Do Not Annoy The Condibot. Do Not Place Objects In Or Near The Condibot's Mouth. Do Not Attempt To Tamper With Any Of The Condibot's Settings."

(Photo: Sparkle Pony Flashback to March 27, 2007)

I've described before how Condi makes her living these days: she spends time at Stanford; she goes to big, expensive trade events; she gives 5-10-minute speeches at these events; the organizers of these events present Condi with five-figure checks to thank her for the strenuous performances. That's what she does. Over and over and over. She is one of the luckiest ducks on Earth.

But what's it like, I wonder, to be on the other end? What's it like to host the Disneytronic Condibot? Is it a gracious guest? Churlish? Needy? Fun? Evidently not the latter:

Ms. Rice is a strict presenter. High profile security was deliberately evident at all times. Forbidding rules and regulations for her time with us were read from the podium in advance, constraining the previously relaxed but suddenly snapped to attention participants in attendance; no video, no audio, nor still photography permitted. Questions must be submitted in writing, and will be received at the end of the formal presentation. Thankfully no instructions were given about chewing gum or proper posture.

Sounds edgy! But what I wish the author would do, at this point, is to give a summary of her talents which sounds suspiciously like a high school drama instructor's appraisal of a smart yet irritating student. Oh, good, he does:

Her presence on the other hand was pleasant. She is engaging, bright more than warm, but by no means exuding anything less than giving respectfully, sincerely, and whole-heartedly to her audience. She is a talented and responsible communicator, well prepared, polished, and appropriate to the assignment. She has a genuine presence, and seemed glad to be with a groups so primarily characterized by faith. 

Bright more than warm ha, ha, ha. He then goes on to call her a "fully endowed politician," which, EW.