Compelling Evidence That Richard Cohen's Editorial Oversight At The Washington Post Is Basically "Spell Check"

I've mentioned before that there are basically two kinds of Richard Cohen columns: "Boring Waste of Time" and "Thunderously Stupid Waste of Time." His latest is definitely in the second category.

Guess what? Richard Cohen thinks Iraq is a messy mess right now why? Because we haven't been "engaging" enough, we need to restart the war (and start another one in Syria, of course), no interference in the Middle East is bad interference, etc. He must have gotten two, maybe even three pats on the head from Fred Hyatt for this one!

Or not. As of this writing, more than eight hours after Cohen posted this neocon drek,  the Washington Post's online editors still haven't noticed that his column repeats three times. Or maybe that's a rhetorical device? A bad argument becomes more convincing when evoked thrice? Or perhaps it's a "Beetlejuice" kind of thing, where Cohen believes if he repeats the same thing three times it will become a reality? Let's hope not!

Richard Cohen Dates Lady, Dyes Hair Blonde

(Photo via NY Post.)

Ugh, ugh, ugh, how did I miss this? Richard "Please Punch Me In The Face" Cohen is in love!

Her name is Patricia Duff, and she used to be married to Mike Medavoy and Ron Perelman, so she's obviously on some kind of devolutionary relationship spiral.

But that's not what I want to point out. This is:

Cohen has grown out his hair and dyed it (badly) blonde. With the white beard. 

Seriously, is he, like, Grandpa Studio 54 or what?

Richard Cohen Is Karl Rove's Perfect Stooge

Here's a summary of Richard Cohen's latest column: Karl Rove was kind of wrong to imply that Hillary Clinton might have health issues, but hmmm... hmmm... now that you mention it, how much DO we know about Hillary these days? Is she being kind of secretive? Hmmm.

And, thus, Cohen flawlessly delivers exactly, precisely the reaction Karl Rove was hoping to spread. It's breathtaking just how easily he wanders into the trap.

Well played, Rove.

Richard Cohen Lies In Self Defense

You're probably surprised that I didn't write about Richard Cohen's most recent fiasco in the Washington Post. Truth is, I skimmed his latest column last night, and it was so boring and muddled that I stopped paying attention before reaching the scandalous part. Oh well!

But today Richard is on the defensive, and decided to make lame excuses for himself on the Huffington Thing, and the whole affair is just whine, whine, whine, bahhh, it's so hurtful that people call me racist! I'm the victim here! God, this guy is such a sniveling shit.

But the funniest thing is that Cohen tries to defend himself by pointing to his... uh... stellar record of superior opinionating, completely ignoring that this is only the latest example of him writing stupid, racist things and getting called out for it. And then he lied for good measure:

"But you're talking to somebody who has written, I don't know, 100 columns in favor of homosexual rights, many columns in favor of same sex marriage."

That, Pony Pals, is a complete lie. Look, I've been hate-reading Richard Cohen's column for years and years, and I honestly can't recall a single time he's ever written "in favor of homosexual rights," much less "100 columns." As for same-sex marriage, you may recall that I made fun of him just seven months ago when he wrote his very first column on the subject, a piece of writing in which he, without a trace of irony, castigated others for "waiting so long" to support gay marriage, even though those who had "waited so long" didn't wait as long as Cohen himself! In the same column, he had the monumental nerve to call other people hacks.

The scuttlebutt is that Richard Cohen has been safe at the Washington Post for so long because he's all chummy with Sally Quinn and Ben Bradlee. But now that Bozo, or whatever his name is, is in charge, why are they keeping him around?

UPDATE: The Washington Post's marble-mouthed, unconvincing defense of Cohen is here. 

Richard Cohen, Movie Critic: OMG It Was Terrible What They Did To You Black People! I Can See That Now!

Ugh. Jeez. It's been pretty quiet on the Richard Cohen front lately, but this one's a doozy.

Cohen, of course, came under fire recently for his clueless yet garish racism. Now, as if we all have to pay, we are treated to a transparent attempt by Cohen to express his love for his African brothers and to recoil from the awfulness of slavery as manifested in his local multiplex during a screening of the excellent 12 Years a Slave. I mean, this film is powerful enough to bowl over jaded intellectuals, so imagine the effect it must have on a flaccid, stupid mind, such as that possessed by Good Richard.

But... but... Blecccccccch. And he isn't exactly doing himself any favors with his muddled account of having to learn that slavery was not, in fact, "a benign institution in which mostly benevolent whites owned innocent and grateful blacks." No! Intrepid student Richard eventually figured out, as the years passed, that slavery was actually totally awful! And then all these years later he just saw this movie that he heard about on NPR and, OMG, he found out all over again about the awfulness!

How awful, Richard Cohen, how awful.

Richard Cohen Is No Charles Dickens

I pointed out yesterday that Jennifer Rubin had snatched the "Worst Sentence Ever Published in the Washington Post" crown away from Richard Cohen, and wondered what Cohen would have to do to top the talented Ms. Rubin in the hackiness department.

O me of little faith!

Rubin still holds the Worst Sentence record, but OMG, today Richard's column is... such a piece of garbage you will not believe it. He's in full-on "clever funny ha ha" mode again, which is always painful. It's a Dickensian tale of the ghost of Cohen's grandfather come to admonish mankind for all the guns and the shootings and whatnot. Or, rather, it would be Dickensian if Charles Dickens had been suffering from massive head trauma. The grandfather's lines are written in heavy Jewish immigrant dialect, over the top to the point where it's tempting to accuse Richard Cohen himself of antisemitism. Seriously, it's almost as bad as Laurence Olivier in the Neil Diamond version of The Jazz Singer. The arguments are like something out of junior high debate class. The whole thing comes across as a skit put on at a nursing home talent show.

I strongly advise you against reading it. It's too late for me, but at least you can save yourself.

"Worst Sentence Ever Published In The Washington Post" Award Goes Back To Jennifer Rubin

Since I've been keeping track, the "Worst Sentence" award for the Washington Post has alternated between Richard Cohen and Jennifer Rubin. First it was Richard, and then Jen stole the prestigious title with an amazing construction containing the word "inure", and then it went back to Cohen when he failed to distinguish between the correct uses of "we" and "us." Jennifer is always up for a challenge, though, so now, merely a few months later, she has triumphantly snatched the crown away from Cohen with the following tortured string of words published yesterday, when all the unsuspecting editors apparently had the day off:

Obamacare is disliked by a majority of voters, strongly so among women who — a key Democratic constituency.

Wow, way to go, Jen! Champagne all around! How is Richard Cohen going to compete with that?**

**With a "Dickensian" column of breathtaking hackiness.

Richard Cohen Came In Through The Bathroom Window

Like a fly drawn to feces, Richard Cohen simply can't resist an infidelity story, and so we all must suffer the consequences. Actually, I'll suffer the consequences for you (sorry, no link now that the Washington Post has a paywall; trust me when I say it isn't worth it).

But rest assured that Richard Cohen knows exactly what Huma Abedin is going through, because he himself was once the victim of cheating! This comes as a surprise to absolutely nobody. And neither should the fact that Cohen got all creepy and stalkery as a result:

In the morning I called her place, but there was no answer. I called again — and then again and again. Worried, I rushed over to her apartment and finding an open window, I climbed in. No one was home. Suddenly, her phone rang. It was my roommate, Neil, who knew where I had gone. Linda had just called, he told me knowingly. She said she had overslept. She said she was at home.

He goes on to speak of betrayal, forgiveness, Hillary Clinton, Silda Spitzer, etc., etc. "I could tell you of others, men as well as women," the addled typist continues, "but they are not public or historical figures, and they own the rights to their own lives."

How magnanimous!  How thoughtful and caring! Of course one of those "others, men as well as women" would be Cohen himself, who famously "dated" Peter Jennings' wife and, in an unrelated incident, was disciplined by the Post for perving on the young ladies in the newsroom. You would think these small details would be included as relevant to the story! But no, Cohen is too busy thinking about his own hurt, the poor thing. Poor Richard Cohen! Let's all feel sorry for him, OK?

In other news, Jeff Bezos just purchased the Washington Post, and he swears he isn't going to change a thing! I can think of one thing he should change.

Hmmm... No Richard Cohen Column This Week. Hmmm.

Don't get too excited, because Richard skips weeks all the time. After all, it's superhard to come up with a piece of writing so exquisitely bad every seven days.

Last week I didn't write about Cohen's horrible racial spasm, because I read it, and I was all, like, ugh ugh ugh ugh. Luckily, as I'm sure you've all seen, others out there picked up the slack and really let him have it, especially Pony Pal Alex over at Salon.

But maybe... just maybe this was one bad column too far?

Eh, who am I kidding. This has most likely been Cohen's most read piece in years. Fred Hyatt will probably give him a bonus.

UPDATE: Cohen had something in the Post's "Post Partisan" blog yesterday about how the Royal baby should be named... Richard. So he's still around. Tsk.

Richard Cohen Tops Previous "Worst Sentence Ever Published By The Washington Post" Record

Uh oh, Richard Cohen is writing about Syria again. He's been doing this a lot lately, and just in case you think he's finally found a topic to which he can contribute intelligently... c'mon, it's Richard Cohen! Here, I'll summarize all of his Syria columns: Let's start a new war in the Middle East. This one will be humanitarian!

But what really got me was this sentence:

What perplexes me is that a good deal of this patronizing criticism of we interveners comes from the left.

Just savor that sentence. We interveners. We interveners. Patronizing criticism of we.

Ladies, Gentlemen, and Pony Pals™, we have a new winner. Cohen has reclaimed his title from Jennifer Rubin!

Richard Cohen, Who Waited Until Today To Support Gay Marriage, Criticizes People Who Took So Long To Support Gay Marriage

The headline above says pretty much all you need to know about Richard Cohen's latest column. It's hard to argue with his opening statement, however:

We have all become political hacks.

Haw, well, speak for yourself, Richard!. He then proceeds to write a by-the-numbers piece on the inevitability of hairdresser weddings.

Don't go praising politicians for coming out for the nuptials, however: "They didn't lead; they followed," says Cohen, writing about the subject for the very first time.

UPDATE: I'm struck again that Richard Cohen –Richard Cohen!– has the nerve to call anybody else a hack.

Richard Cohen Thrilling Wonder Stories

All lines verbatim from the increasingly addled Mr. Cohen's latest column.

Richard Cohen Defends Torture Again Because AWESOME MOVIE

Here he goes again! Richard Cohen saw Zero Dark Whatever and said, "See? SEE? Torture works and we should do it!" because, you know, great movie!

Frightened little man Cohen has defended torture before (see here, here, and here). "Is it immoral to waterboard someone who knows of an imminent Sept. 11-type attack?" he asks, once again evoking torture apologists' favorite argument: the ticking time bomb, a justification which has approximately zero basis in reality (Google it and see) and approximately 100% basis in fiction.

"Torture in that case might be hideous, repugnant and in some rarefied way still immoral, but I could certainly justify it," Cohen says. Yeah, I've noticed.

In "some rarefied way" torture is immoral? No.

Richard Cohen is a disgusting piece of shit. And not in "some rarefied way."

Richard Cohen Has Totally Lost His Mind Over James Bond

Richard "Please Punch Me In The Face" Cohen... I can't believe I'm saying this, but maybe he should stick to writing about politics?

His latest column is, for some reason, about how Daniel Craig is too damn sexy and buff, and about how, at 44 –44!– Craig has no business being so studly and ripped. Daniel Craig makes Richard Cohen feel funny when he looks at his "marbleized" body.

Why can't Daniel Craig be more like Cary Grant or Humphrey Bogart or Sean Connery, the latter of whom was, evidently, not sexy as James Bond at all?

And then Cohen bemoans kids today –tsk– with their hours spent in the gym and their protein powders 'n' such. Cohen also uses the word "zeitgeisty," which is not a word, and alone should get him fired from the Post.

And then... then.... OMG, he ends with a "Cohen. Richard Cohen" line at the end, just to prove that he is the hackiest hack in hackville, and because James Bond's favorite drink is also his own.

And then Richard Cohen finished the last drop of scotch from his bottle, hit the "send" button, and passed out.

UPDATE: I shared my thoughts with a fellow Cohen-watcher, Pony Pal Pareene, who responded:

Amazing. Just completely amazing.

(Also he doesn't appear to know that Cary Grant was a circus acrobat!)

You Can Always Count On Richard Cohen...

... to defend an adulterer. Always. Petraeus? He should get back to work and be allowed to put his dick where he pleases, national security be damned (or, at the very least, darned). And Cohen should know, because he had an affair with Peter Jenning's wife, and still kept HIS job. Heck, he was even disciplined for sexual harassment at the Washington Post, and still got to keep his job, despite being one of the worst writers on the planet (quoting Shakespeare notwithstanding).

But I know what you're thinking: Peteykins, you ask, did Richard Cohen ever attend a dinner party with Petraeus and his wife? The answer, of course, is yes:

At dinner one night, I sat opposite Holly Petraeus. She’s charming and deeply concerned about the welfare of our troops — both active and retired. I can only imagine her hurt. But this is her matter — and her husband’s — and not ours. He betrayed her, not his country. No more need be said.

So, blah, blah, blah, hacked emails and possibly leaked national security secrets and WHATEVER. "The list of Washington sex scandals is long and, really, quite distinguished," Cohen reveals. "Now get back to work," he concludes.

I saw this one coming from a mile away. 

UPDATE: Frank Bruni's piece on the affair is an excellent antidote to Cohen's.

Richard Cohen Is Totally Confused About This Sarah Palin Lady

Richard Cohen's editors, if there are any, have clearly thrown up their hands and given up on the dunderheaded typist. Maybe they simply run his stuff through a spell checker and call it a day?

He's got this totally confusing thing on the "Post Partisan" blog about Sarah Palin quitting/never getting into the presidential race. Lucky for us, it's only the second paragraph that makes us click "close tab" this time:

It would be a mistake, however, to bid her farewell without noting her accomplishment. She was maybe the first of our celebrity politicians — not, mind you, a politician who achieved celebrity but one who did it the other way around. It’s true she was governor of Alaska when John McCain selected her for his ticket, but no one knew that. She had the name recognition of a dead dog catcher.

Got that? Sarah Palin was an unknown politician who then became a celebrity. Wait, no, she was a celebrity who then became a politician! Which is it, Richard? It isn't the former, because plenty of people had heard of the Thrilla from Wasilla well before McCain chose her as his running mate: Wonkette had already, by that time, posted several items about this new, wacky governor who was dumb and funny; Talking Points Memo had already published, like, four hundred things about "Troopergate"; Vogue had already done a feature on her, not an honor generally bestowed upon "unknown" politicians. Oh, also: she was chosen by McCain to be his running mate.

How about the second concept, where she was "maybe the first of our celebrity politicians – not, mind you, a politician who achieved celebrity but one who did it the other way around"? Let's see: Sonny Bono, Ronald Reagan, Al Franken, Jesse Ventura, Clint Eastwood, and even Gopher from the Love Boat all spring quickly to mind.

So Cohen has managed to squeeze into a single paragraph two concepts which not only contradict each other, but are each inherently incorrect.  Good work if you can get it (you can't get it)!

You Really Don't Want To Know About Richard Cohen's Eric Cantor Fantasies

I've theorized before that sometimes Richard Cohen writes a column so dumb that even his bosses, accustomed as they are to Cohen's persistent dumbness, balk and say, sheesh, we can't put this on our op-ed page! These are the columns which end up getting dumped in the Post's "Post Partisan" blog where they can die unnoticed. Here's how his latest begins: "In my imagination, Eric Cantor wears a huge blonde wig. It has cute ringlets cascading from the side. A sexy beauty mark has been penciled into his adorable dimple and he talks in a falsetto, sometimes sexy, often not."


Um, yeah. So anyway, that's when I stopped reading.

Quickie: Weinergate Overdose

How many posts has Mediaite devoted at least in part to Weinergate just this week? 52. Fifty two! So far. And it's early Wednesday morning.

RELATED: Oh, jeez, here's Richard Cohen, again, being righteously indignant and sticking up for an adulterer, again:

Another Christian has been thrown to the lions. The “Christian” in this case is a Jew, and the lions are the news media but the general idea is the same.

Still a little sensitive about sexy issues, Richard?

Richard Cohen, Possibly Suffering From Aphasia, Makes Self-Aware Statement

As you all know, Richard Cohen's pointless column is published every Tuesday by the Washington Post. In addition, occasionally he participates in their "Post Partisan" blog. I have a theory: sometimes Cohen writes things that are so bizarre and dumb that they're too bizarre and dumb for his regular slot, and these are the things that get dumped in Post Partisan.

And so it is with this peculiar thing which popped up yesterday, a piece of writing about "Weinergate" in which Richard rambles on an on about living in an imaginary place called Xanadu. Even by the low, low standards generally applied to Cohen's writing, the piece is exceptionally incoherent, and I challenge you to make any sense of it whatsoever.

But! He does say one thing which suggests that he is having brief flashes of self awareness:

I used to understand everything. I was even paid to explain things. Now I understand nothing. I live in a strange place and understand just a piece of what’s going on.

Total clarity, if only for an instant.

Richard Cohen Explodes Hackiness Bomb All Over Newt Gingrich

I apologize in advance for any distress the above image may cause.

This is how Richard Cohen works: week after week he writes dumb, boring columns and gets paid wheelbarrows full of money by the Washington Post for being, as Pony Pal™ Alex Pareene puts it so well, completely inessential on any given topic, and it's easy to ignore him because... well, because he's so boring and dumb. And then, out of nowhere, he'll pen an opinion piece so hacky and idiotic that it's impossible to resist. Like today. Welcome back, Richard!

This time Richard levels his withering (or at least withered) gaze upon Newt Gingrich, and he's in full-on "cutesy ha-ha" mode. His very first sentence ("A Post feature — The Fact Checker — is possibly the most powerful force for good since Clark Kent encountered a phone booth.") is such a poorly handled metaphor that it's breathtaking (I'm pretty sure Clark Kent had superpowers long before he ever "encountered a phone booth"). He then spends two paragraphs –two whole paragraphs!– simultaneously defending and criticizing the New York Times' worst-ever film critic, Bosley Crowther, lazily using  examples picked right out of Wikipedia, before remembering that he was writing about Newt Gingrich and proceeding.

And then, of course, Cohen brings up Gingrich's adultery, because Cohen brings up adultery, one of the few subjects he knows anything about, every chance he gets, like clockwork,  because he just can't get over that one time he fooled around with Peter Jennings' wife and he, himself, was the subject of Washington gossip. Ah, the good old days.

Mostly, though, Cohen uses the column to point us to Glenn Kessler's writing on Gingrich, and really, we should be thankful that Richard is around to remind us that the Washington Post still employs at least one good writer. Because it sure isn't Richard Cohen.