Michael Steele MEGA-Roundup

Republican National Committee (RNC) Chairman Michael Steele walks off stage after announcing that he would drop his re-election bid, Friday, Jan. 14, 2011, during the Republican National Committee Winter Meeting in Oxon Hill, Md. (AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

Ohhhh... this is sad. It's official: Michael Steele is no longer our beloved RNC Hilarity Clown. But you know what? We loved Michael before he became head of the RNC, and we'll continue to love him now... and forever! Let's take a moment (even though listicle month, December, is behind us) and relive this blog's best Michael Steele posts:

• September 19, 2006: Maryland senate candidate Michael Steele becomes an instant PSP Sparklefave by costarring in one of the dumbest campaign ads ever with an adorable Boston Terrier puppy.
• September 21, 2006: Sensing electoral disaster, Steele campaign resorts to hardcore, shameless racism.
• September 26, 2006: Maryland Dems air ad which says, "Michael Steele may like puppies, but he looooooooooves George Bush!"
• October 23, 2006: Michael J. Fox campaigns against Steele.
• November 13, 2006: Fearing the worst, Steele campaign hires homeless Pennsylvanians to pass out infamous fliers which imply that Steele is a Democrat.

• April 3, 2007: "Have you seen my puppy?" Michael wonders to nobody in particular.
• November 12, 2008: Steele to head the RNC? "Yes, Please," PSP practically begs.
• January 30, 2009: Steele wins bid to head the RNC. "It's only a matter of time before he says something wonderfully dumb," I predict.
• February 3, 2009: Just two days later, prediction comes true.
• February 22, 2009: PSP next predicts just how the "hip-hopification" of the GOP will play out.
• February 27, 2009: Michael inspires Michele Bachmann to speak in ebonic-tongues.
• March 2, 2009: Steele picks fight with Rush Limbaugh. PSP introduces custom Michael Steele Roundup puppy graphics series which will eventually number in the dozens (32 and counting!):

• March 2, 2009: Limbaugh wins. Best Michael Steele month EVER begins in earnest.
• March 3, 2009: Republicans begin to realize they've got a Michael Steele problem. Steele calls his detractors "nervous nellies" in response.
• March 4, 2009: Inept, disaster, , not good, go away, whipped dog, easy to ignore... all words used to describe Michael Steele... by Republicans! Also: Michael Steele Funnies:

• March 5, 2009: PSP declares Politico's obsessive coverage of Steele to be "unfuckingbelievable."
• March 9, 2009: "My goal is not to embarrass my party," Michael claims.
• March 11, 2009: Steele accurately described as your embarrassing father trying to be cool. He also calls abortion an "individual choice" and says hairdressers can't help dressing hair.
• March 12, 2009: Steele has to spend all day taking back what he said the day before.
• March 18, 2009: Politico publishes five articles about Steele in one day.
• March 26, 2009: Michael claims his gaffes are "strategic," forgets to eat dinner.
• March 28, 2009: Michael Steele Month ends as Steele sends out pointless, hilarious survey, and PSP counters with only slightly more ridiculous parody:

• April 20, 2009: "Whether or not you've bottomed or not, you better have something to say to the American people."
• April 23, 2009: "This is the core of the party upset at their incompetent party chairman for not calling the President of the United States a socialist."
• April 30, 2009: Steele goes on and on and on AND ON about... hats?
• May 11, 2009: Steele is thrilled to get "a shout-out" from Obama, apparently unaware that he had just been cruelly insulted.
• May 19, 2009: Michael uses the phrases "we're not looking back" and "take a lesson from Ronald Reagan" in the same paragraph.
• June 11, 2009: Still not giving up on the hat metaphors.

• June 28, 2009: "Here we go again," Steele says, hilariously, in response to the latest GOP sex scandal.
• July 21, 2009: Michael is accurately described as "political comedy relief" and "a dummy."
• January 6, 2010: Steele achieves the most meaningless sentence ever uttered by a politician.
• March 31, 2010: RNC lesbian bondage nightclub scandal reaction roundup!
• April 5, 2010: Proven election-loser Steele promotes proven election-loser to help win elections.
• April 11, 2010: PSP points out that he tried to warn Republicans about Michael Steele, but they just wouldn't listen.
• May 20, 2010: Neil Cavuto tells Steele, "everybody hates you," right to his face!
• June 22, 2010: Grover Norquist lists, like, a gazillion people who he thinks are leading the Republican Party, and none of them are Michael Steele.

• July 3, 2010: Afghanistan gaffe is Steele's gaffiest gaffe he ever gaffed.
• July 4, 2010: Joe Lieberman helpfully points out that Michael Steele is great for Republicans because he unites them in their hatred for Michael Steele.
• August 3, 2010: Frightened at the prospect of talking to a room full of black people, Steele uses the oldest excuse in the book to weasel out of it.
• December 14, 2010: PSP practically passes out from happiness as Steele announces his intention to run for another term as RNC chief.
• December 15, 2010: PSP realizes that Republicans don't want him to be happy.

So there you go, the story so far! Let's not say goodbye to Michael Steele, but au revoir, because you just can't keep a star performer down. Thanks for the memories, Michael, let's make some more!

Open Season On Michael Steele

This is actually getting a little painful. Previously, Republicans tended to be discreet when talking about the glorious ineptness of Michael Steele, either hedging their words or speaking off the record. No more; everybody is just piling on, terrified at the prospect of Steele leading the party for two more years. Politico, basically a GOP Pasquino, has two pieces about Mikey up today, one where big money donors happily go on the record about how they have no intention of giving money to the RNC if Steele remains in charge, and the other a mortifying listicle of his worst gaffes. Harsh!

Michael Steele: Glutton For Punishment

Great news! Michael Steele is running again for the prestigious GOP Anchor Clown position! I was on pins and needles all day yesterday, waiting, waiting, waiting for the announcement. “Yes, I have stumbled along the way but have always accounted to you for such shortcomings,” Steele lied, as an excuse for his hidden agendas. "No excuses. No lies. No hidden agenda," he continued. Yay!

“I believe the worst thing we can do now is to look backwards,”  Steele said. Ha, OBVIOUSLY.

Michael Steele Roundup: Cancellations and Cold Calls

Things haven't been going so well for Mikey lately. He really is wonderfully hopeless, isn't he? What's been going on since the whole "sweep the millions of dollars of debt under the rug and maybe nobody will notice" thing? Plenty!

First of all, Michael was supposed to appear in San Diego at a gathering of African American journalists. Hilarious, right? What could go wrong? But even Steele realized he had made a big mistake in agreeing to march into hostile territory, and at the last minute he literally called in sick! For real! And not only did he call in sick, he used the lamest, most fake excuse ever: food poisoning.

Right around the same time he was pretending to get sick, cooler heads prevailed about the wisdom of Michael sharing a stage with Andrew Breitbart after the whole Shirley Sherrod thing.  I can imagine Steele, confused, saying to his handlers (?), "Can't I say I have food poisoning for that, too?" And then his handlers would say, "No, Mike, that's in the future; we can't give food poisoning as an excuse to not show up for something in the future." So anyway, they "postponed" the thing with Breitbart, and in this case, "postponed" is almost certainly a euphemism for "canceled." Tricky!

So with Michael canceling things right and left, what's a person to do if they want to elicit more gems of wisdom from the amusing chairman? How about arranging a fraudulent telephone interview while posing as a wealthy "donor" and then getting him to say all kinds of stupid things? Well, it worked like a charm for this guy, and the results are predictably hilarious. There's a lot to love in this interview, but my favorite part is that Steele reveals that he has every intention of running for a second term as RNC chairman! This confirms that he is exactly as self-unaware as we like him to be. Of course, a second term for Mikey is about as likely as Sarah Palin all of a sudden understanding foreign policy, but don't tell him that!

So stay tuned, because there's obviously a lot more fun to be had. Yay!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.... food poisoning. 

Bruising Sunday For Michael Steele

Oh, oh, already today things are looking grim: John McCain, hawk supreme, was on "This Week" and not only called the erstwhile puppy lover "wildly inaccurate," but did so via satellite from Afghanistan. Ouch. "Chairman Steele sent me an email saying they were misconstrued,” McCain continued, hilariously.

Even better, horrible Joe Lieberman was very humorous, indeed, on Fox News, offering the theory that Michael Steele's gaffe was "unfortunate," but then turning it around to be superfantastic for the Republican Party, because it united them all.  United them all in hatred for Michael Steele. Good point, Joe!

More to come, presumably.

UPDATE: Jim DeMint called for Steele to apologize to the military, but like Lieberman and McCain, didn't call for a resignation.

UPDATE: Kiss of death? Ron Paul issued a statement commending Michael Steele on his (now retracted, sort-of) comments.

Michael Steele Finds The Least Contested, Least Controversial, Least Divisive Republican Sacred Cow, Trips Over It, Falls Flat On His Face, Hilarity Ensues

Of all things! Afghanistan! Questioning the Afghanistan war and calling it "Obama's choosing"! Honestly, I didn't know Michael Steele had it in him to utter a gaffe –a lonnnng gaffe, on video– so completely preposterous, so out of left field, etc., etc., that I am caught totally off guard. It's like he sat down and thought, "Hmmm... what is the one, single thing that each and every Republican on the entire planet agrees upon?"

We've been down this fun, giddy road before, where Michael Steele says something so ridiculous that it's hard to see how he can survive, yet like a Teflon®-coated punching clown, he bounces back up, grin never wavering, eager for more. But ridiculous is one thing, pure heresy is another, and already the hawkiest hawks agree:

• Liz Cheney: "It is time for Chairman Steele to step down."
• Katherine Lopez: Oh, hey, how about Liz Cheney for Chairman?
• Bill Kristol: "You are, I know, a patriot. So I ask you to consider, over this July 4 weekend, doing an act of service for the country you love: Resign as chairman of the Republican party."
• Erick Emerson: "Michael Steele must resign. He has lost all moral authority to lead the GOP."
• Talking Points Memo points out that it might at first seem lucky that Steele made his amusing funny right before a holiday weekend,  but in reality, all these hawks are on the Sunday shows (McCain, Lieberman, etc.) and will be asked to respond, and it won't be pretty.
• Fox News: Michael Steele Must Go.

So what's it going to be for Mikey? Will this one blow over, like all the others? Will Katherine Jean get distracted by something else? Will Bill Kristol bury his head back in Sarah Palin's lap, thus muffling the sounds of his calls for Steele's resignation?

Happy July 4 weekend!

Grover Norquist Snubs Sarah Palin, Michael Steele

Debbie Doan, left, posses for a photo for her husband Gary Doan, not pictured, with a cutout of Sarah Palin in the vendor area of the Republican Party of Texas convention in Dallas, Friday, June 11, 2010. (AP Photo/LM Otero)

Keeping track of who is with whom in the GOP is a lot like watching Survivor or Big Brother: at first it's hard to tell the contestants apart, but eventually their alliances become so obvious that watching it play out gets boring.

And nowhere else are these alliances made more obvious than in Politico's "Arena," the most insidery part of their already painfully insidery site. One of their most recent questions is one that has been asked many times lately: just who, if not Fox News*, is leading the Republican Party anyway?

Anti-tax bear Grover Norquist's answer is amusing first because of the sad sacks he lists as leaders in their respective positions: John Boehner, Mitch McConnell, Chris Christie, Rick Perry, Mitch Daniels (?!), Marco Rubio, Meg Whitman, Carly Fiorina (yes!), Newt Gingrich, Tim Pawlenty... even Mitt Romney! Of course, by listing so many people, Grover makes it more obvious that there's no leader.

Conspicuously absent: the party's actual, ostensible leader (Michael Steele. Remember him?) and the Mama Grizzly from Alaska. Ouch!

To be fair to Norquist, though, he's probably too distracted these days, playing with his new hairdresser buddies.

*IMG's Steve Steckler offers this howler:

This is nonsense. Most Republicans don't watch Fox News, even if Fox's viewers tend to be somewhat more Republican than Democratic.

Most Republicans don't watch Fox News? Is he being intentionally hilarious?

The Glomming!

Ha ha, do you know what's funny about Michael Steele when he plays dumb? It's always totally convincing! He's been pretty discreet recently, but he appears to be erupting with his lovable goofy foolishness again, so that's always fun.

OK, so first! First is totally that Rand Paul guy who all the kids are talking about. The crazy one? Right, him. So somebody saw Michael Steele, and they were all, like, "Hey, Michael Steele, what do you think of that Rand Paul guy?" And he was, all, totally, "Oh that, right, I heard about that." And he totally had! Neat.

What else? Maybe I haven't really paid proper respects to the majesty which is Neil Cavuto's hysterically nutty interview with Michael yesterday. Oh, it is a laff riot. My favorite quotes:

STEELE: No, no, no, no. I -- no, Neil, let me be -- I have never...

CAVUTO: Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael, there is. You know it.

STEELE: Neil, don’t mix -- please, stop...

CAVUTO: You, you, you, you, you, you, you.

STEELE: We’re not glomming. I mean, why are you taking...

CAVUTO: Last night, you were glomming -- not you specifically -- a lot of glomming to them, and they resented the glomming.

CAVUTO: Michael Steele, always fun.

So good. The glomming! What is Michael Steele going to do about the glomming? Tsk.

Don't Deny Yourself The Pleasure Of Watching Neil Cavuto Telling Michael Steele That Everybody Hates Him

Not Really Full Of Sound And Fury, Still Signifying Nothing

You guys, OMG, anti-incumbent fever! Did you catch it? Do you need a Kleenex™?

So... yeah, a few elections yesterday. And everywhere around the web this morning I'm seeing articles (like this) that are basically talking about how, oh, these elections tell us what's going to happen later this year. But do they? Look, the two story lines we've been seeing are that 1. Democrats are in trouble and 2. incumbents are in trouble. But what do yesterday's races really tell us? First of all, there was one straightforward election, the Pennsylvania one, and the Democrat won! This tells us nothing about incumbents. Then we've got Specter losing, sure, but he's hardly typical, a party-switcher rejected for a real Democrat. Blanche Lincoln has to go to a runoff, but she isn't typical either.

And then there's Rand Paul, haw. OK, so he beat Grayson, who is supposed to represent "the establishment." But Paul is the son of a sitting Republican representative! And the Paul phenomenon is freakish, I'm sorry, so it's dumb to draw conclusions from this one.

Here's my favorite reaction, though, and this is where the puppy up top comes in: Michael Steele has issued a very hurty statement about how sad he is about the Pennsylvania election. So bitter:

“While we had hoped for a better result, Republican Tim Burns ran an excellent campaign in one of the bluest of congressional districts. Despite the fact that Pennsylvania’s 12th district has been a Democratic stronghold for more than thirty years and Democratic voters outnumber Republicans by more than 2 to 1, Republican Tim Burns pushed his Democratic opponent to the wire by campaigning against the liberal agenda of national Democrats. Democrat Mark Critz sought to distance himself from virtually every major issue on the Democrats’ unpopular legislative agenda. Now he’s headed to Washington, D.C., to join President Obama and Nancy Pelosi in passing more bailouts, more “stimulus” packages and more reckless government expansions – the very policies that prevent southwestern Pennsylvania from achieving the economic recovery they deserve. This race should serve notice to Democratic officeholders everywhere that no seat is safe and that voters will not accept business-as-usual.”

Tim Burns ran an excellent campaign? Evidence suggests otherwise.

So anyway, enjoy reading all day about what these over-hyped elections mean, even if they don't mean anything. Yay!

UPDATE - Here's a screenshot from the Washington Post:

So there you go: one incumbent losing = a fever.

Michael Steele's Glass Half One-Third Full At Last! Plus: A Trip Down Michael Steele Memory Lane

Good news for Michael Steele! Oh, sure, nobody will ever hire him again for anything, but he is officially safe for the remainder of his term at the RNC.

What's that you say? Tell me something I don't know? Oh, right, yes, actually we already knew about the GOP being stuck with Michael and not being able to do anything about it. What's hilarious is that according to Talking Points Memo, Mikey has gotten signatures of support from more than a third of RNC members. Now, cynics may point out that this means that he hasn't gotten signatures of support from nearly two-thirds of RNC members, but for Mikey this is a glass-one-third-full/glass-two-thirds-empty distinction. Glass one-third full! Yay!

Gosh, could anybody have warned the RNC about picking Steele and helped them to avoid all this trouble? Haw, yes, of course. Maybe if the RNC had more Pony Pals™ reading this blog, this never would have happened.  Just for fun, here's a look back at what I wrote on the day they chose him as leader, January 30, 2009:

This is a great day. Puppies for everyone! Michael Steele is such a lightweight and so obviously stupid that it's only a matter of time before he does or says something wonderfully dumb. I can't wait. 

I didn't have to wait for long! But OK, that was the same day they voted him in, so not much of a warning. Anything earlier? Yes, on November 12, 2008, in a post titled Michael Steele As Head Of The RNC? Yes, Please!:

Oh, yes, yes, yes, anything to put Sparklefave Michael "Puppy Lover" Steele back in the spotlight! Let's see, they need somebody to "lead them out of the wilderness," so how about a total dunderhead who lost his race for the Senate by double digits to an absolute nobody? How about somebody whose main selling point was a Boston terrier? How about somebody who got busted for having homeless people distribute fliers implying he was a Democrat? Do you need somebody to combat notions of GOP racism? Why not hire somebody whose campaign produced some of the most shockingly racist ads of all time? Awesome idea!

So they can't say I didn't try.

Michael Steele's Latest Indignity? Sarah Palin Steals His Most Famous Line For Keeps, Also Dresses Weirdly

Sarah Palin, left, waves to the rally crowd after a campaign appearance for Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Minn., Wednesday April 7, 2010 in Minneapolis. (AP Photo/Jim Mone)

I'm sure you've heard about this: Sarah Palin threw a big rally for Michele Bachmann today, in Minneapolis, where nobody can vote for Michele Bachmann (?). But whatever, if two people were ever made for each other, it's Sarah 'n' Michele.

I've got two things two say about this wonderful event. First, Palin says, "And I knew that [Michele and I] would be buddies when she came up and said we should 'drill here and drill now.' And I said -- and then I replied, 'Drill baby, drill' And then we both said, 'You betcha.'"

And what's so great about this is that it was our beloved Michael Steele, not Sarah Palin, who coined the phrase "Drill baby, drill" in his speech at the Republican National Convention, literally the only thing he has ever said that influenced his fellow Republicans. But now Sarah has it firmly tucked in her incredibly limited (she's still doing the writing-on-the-hand gags!) repertoire, and it belongs to her. Sorry, Michael! Now if you try to use it, you'll look like you're emulating her.

OK, the second thing: what the hell is Sarah wearing? This is important! OMG, is it a black velvet coat? It is:

Sarah? Hello? It's Spring! And honey, seriously, a triple strand of pearls with two three additional necklaces and a clashing gold-tone flag pin? And don't even get me started on those barbed tangles on your wrists! This is an absolutely terrible outfit! So it's clear she's dressing herself again.

And finally, it really is tempting to start a Sarah Palin Hairdo Alert System, because that do has just been all over the place recently.

Michael Steele Hires Promotes Expert On Losing Elections

Another Steele quickie: he's "shaken up" the RNC by firing the old chief of staff and hiring a crony to replace him. The new guy*, Mike Leavitt, was behind Steele's unsuccessful Senate run, the one that employed puppies, and also helped John McCain get elected President of the United States. So, wow, that's an awesome track record. Well done.

*Update/correction: he's not new; he was promoted.

Good Work If You Can Get It

Last week was terrible for our beloved Michael Steele, getting heat from all sides for inappropriate expenditures and for being a doofus. There's nothing he can do about being a doofus (that condition is permanent), but surely he can hire somebody to help him spend his money more wisely? Take it away Washington Post:

Neil S. Alpert, whom the District fined three years ago for improperly spending money from a political action committee he chaired, has been hired by the Republican National Committee to help with its fundraising.

Alpert, whose new role was reported Sunday by AOL's Politics Daily, will serve as a special assistant for finance to RNC Chairman Michael S. Steele.

I report these things only because it's easier than making them up.

UPDATE: More on Mr. Alpert here, including the wonderful phrase "a welter of nausea."

Michael Steele: For Ever and Ever, Amen

I found this image by doing a Google image search for "Puppy bling."

It's tempting, of course, to say that this is it for Michael Steele, but we all know better. The RNC can't really fire him without extensive bureaucratic procedures, and he's obviously not going to resign on his own. Simply nothing sticks on those exquisite suits! So cheers to many, many Steele gaffes to come! This latest round is hardly the first time he's been criticized for lavish spending: you'll recall that one of his first official acts was to redecorate his office, after all. So let's see the latest reactions:

• Kathleen Parker, the go-to Republican to bash other Republicans, has dependably made good on Steele in her column today in the Washington Post. Best line: "Steele's future, meanwhile, is probably and strangely secure."
• Tom Toles presents us with Dominatrix Steele.
• Even Karl Rove gets into the act, without, of course, calling for Steele's resignation. The RNC just needs somebody fatter to sit on him, I guess.
• Fox News even reports on the kerfuffle. They do the classic thing where they say that the lesbian bondage nightclub issue was "solved" with the firing of the staffer and then move on as if all the other expense-related issues don't exist.
• Tea Partier makes the following argument: "How can the GOP be racist, when our Chairman Michael Steele is black?" This, Pony Pals™, is why he's still around.
• There are many amusing comments at Politico's odious "Arena," but my favorite comes from Reagan biographer Craig Shirley: "I knew the RNC was going hell bent for leather to win elections but this is ridiculous."
• The Daily Tucker Carlson, who started this most recent round of Steele-bashing, keeps the ball rolling with a piece about how everybody hates Mikey, but it doesn't matter, ha ha ha, because they're just giving their money to other GOP groups. Oh well.

In the past I'd say something here like, "I don't see how Michael Steele can possibly last another week," but this latest round proves that he'll have to get caught with a dead girl or a live boy, as the saying goes, before he suffers any serious consequences. Viva Steele!

EDIT: The Concerned Women for America don't really understand how these things work:

Did you really swill drinks, ogle young girls and plan party business at this kind of establishment?

No, no, Concerned Women. First they plan party business at an expensive hotel, and then they go to the S&M-themed strip club to swill drinks and ogle young girls. I'm happy to clear that up for you!

How Do You Refute A Totally Incoherent Statement?

Whee! OK, actually, I'm being a little dishonest because this isn't really a Michael Steele roundup. Oh, sure, it used to be fun when, every couple of days, he'd say something amusingly dumb and we'd have a good chuckle. These days, though, Michael is just so very, very dumb that it's impossible to keep up. The biggest problem is that most of the things that come out of his mouth just plain don't make any sense whatsoever, so what, really, can you say? It's like being in a debate with somebody, and they say, "My position is peach mannequin quasar labyrinth balls." What's your counterpoint to that?

Here's a good example: somebody asked Michael Steele why it was bad for Obama to have a "delayed" reaction to the Christmas underoo bomber but OK that Bush had a late response to the shoe bomber. Here's his answer:

I think the timing was right in the moment because you can’t afford to go much further without being very clear the direction the administration wants to go on this matter.

OK, honestly, read that to yourself really slowly and carefully and take note that it is a total and complete non sequitur. He is literally saying nothing at all. I think it's kinda cute that Think Progress ignores this fact and tries, admirably I guess, to refute what they think he meant to say. Of course, now Michael Steele can easily respond, "That's not what I said," and he would be totally right! See how that works?

It reminds me of how Condi used to talk: she'd go on and on and on, really using a lot of words, but then when you'd try to parse what she was actually saying, it would all vanish in a puff of smoke.

It's good work if you can get it!

"I Don't Do Policy," Michael Steele Declares After Policy Speech

I had the day off yesterday (PSP dental recovery plan 70% complete!), so I was able to enjoy Michael Steele's wonderful appearance at the Press Club live. Oh, it was classic Steele: he gave a recitation of anti "Obamacare" talking points and then, thrillingly, was unable to answer a single question about his chosen topic. I will love you forever and ever, Michael Steele! There have been some great reactions, but Talking Points Memo puts it best:

"...it seemed like not only was he trying to get his bit in on this week's health care debate but also rebrand himself as a serious policy thinker rather than just the political comedy relief he's embodied over the last six or so months. But that was a bit undermined when he got a question on whether the bill should include an individual requirement to purchase coverage and he didn't know what that meant."

One thing Michael didn't count on, though, was that naughty Dana Milbank, glutton for punishment, would be in the audience of 20-or-so. I know all of us lefties are supposed to be VERY ANGRY!!! at Milbank these days, but his reporting on the event is a classic must-read:

"Slow down, Mr. President: We can't afford to get health care wrong," said the [month-old GOP] memo.

"Slow down, Mr. President: We can't afford to get health care wrong," said the chairman.

Memo: "The old, top-down Washington-centered system the Democrats propose will empower Washington to restrict the cures and treatments your doctor can prescribe for you."

Steele: "The old top-down Washington-centered system the Democrats propose is designed to grow Washington's power to restrict the cures and treatments your doctor can prescribe for you."

Haw, and if there's anything Milbank knows, it's the opportunity for a humorous metaphor:

In the back of the room sat the ventriloquist, admiring his work. [GOP talking points author Alex] Castellanos used the word "experiment" six times to criticize Obama's plan; Steele, the eager pupil, used it 30. Only one thing would have made the performance more impressive: if Castellanos had been able to drink a glass of water while Steele was talking.

And then you can see it coming a mile away, but Milbank's conclusion is still satisfying:

As a voice-throwing act, Castellanos and Steele were quite a duo. But if Castellanos is the ventriloquist, what does that make Steele?

Ooh, ooh! I totally know that one!

Like Sarah Palin, Michael Steele is simply incapable of being either serious or taken seriously. And that's why we love him.

It's Never Too Early to Politicize Celebrity Death

Oh, hey, it's been a while since I've done a Michael Steele Roundup. Truth is, I've been a little upset about the recent death of a great musician, an influential man worshiped by some, reviled by others, a man who couldn't handle success and got increasingly bizarre over the years. I'm speaking, of course, of Sky Saxon.

I digress. Here's somebody explaining something to Michael Steele:

"Michael Jackson is dead. God rest his soul. I am not going to be the Michael Jackson of the Republican Party. You will not use me until I am dead."

Um, OK. Yeah, I'm not sure what that means, either. Steele's response? "We can watch good men and women leave. We can watch good men and women give up." Can we or may we?

Of course, my favorite piece of Steeliabilia from last week was his response to the Mark Sanford affair: "Here we go again." Haw.

Michael also did an interview in glamorous Grand Rapids on Friday, and he claimed that Republicans have "learned from our boneheaded mistakes," but neglected to identify what those mistakes were, which would have been hilarious. The best part, though, is where Steele tries to jump through a series of rhetorical hoops: we need to change but we must remain the same! See if you can make any sense of this:

"I'm a chairman who believes in multiplication and addition not division and subtraction. So I'm looking to expand and grow the party. I want Americans and certainly the folks in Michigan to know that this is a party that recognizes the importance and the value-added of individual initiative and ingenuity. This party wants those who can bring new, exciting ideas to the table. Yes we have some core principles and values that we have adhered to and supported that have branded us if you will as the Republican Party that are still important to us, but that doesn't mean that I can't reach across the table and talk to you and take in your ideas and welcome you to our table with those ideas to help us reflect more appropriately the changing demographics and dynamics of our country. We cannot stay static. I'm not afraid of expanding the party because I know I don't lose the value of my ideas and those values that I hold on to just by asking someone else to be a part of this."

Did you get through that whole thing? Me neither.

If you ask me, he's pushin' too hard.

Michael Steele: The GOP is Not About How You Wear the Hat, But the Fact That You Want to Wear the Hat.”

So profound, our Michael. Watch him work through his metaphor here.

I should warn you, though, that if you do make it through the entire video, you probably shouldn't operate heavy machinery for the rest of the day.

Coming Soon to Politico: Michael Steele Interviews Jonathan Martin About What It's Like to Interview Michael Steele

There's a barrier between author and subject at Politico, sure, but it's a barrier which takes the form of a highly permeable membrane, one which is easy to traverse. Today they're interviewing you, tomorrow you're interviewing Grover Norquist. Is it a daisy chain or is it the Ouroboros? Can't it be both? Politico loves, for instance, to report about Michael Steele, but sometimes, I guess, they get too busy and they just go ahead and give Steele a byline and let him say whatever. Today it's his list of talking points about –guess who?– Sonia Sotomayor. It is boring.

It turns out that, unlike other Supreme Court nominees, Sotomayor's record should be scrutinized. Closely scrutinized, even!