Aaron Schock's Image Consultant

"Oh, and Aaron? Don't even THINK about Snapchat."

Jonathan Capehart Would Like Your Hot Gay Aaron Schock™ Tips, Please. Until Then, Shut Up You Gossipy Bloggers

Add the Washington Post's Jonathan Capehart to the membership list of the "I'm going to write about this juicy gossip, but I'm going to couch it in terms of rising above such gossipy gossip" camp of Gay Aaron Schock™ reportage Ahem:

So, those self-righteous folks who believe Schock is gay and is being hypocritical by voting against LGBT interests should come forward with actual, first-hand proof that he has a closet from which to emerge. If you have it, e-mail me at capehartj@washpost.com. Or reach out to another member of the press. Until then, it’s all gossip.

Emphasis mine.

UPDATE: Brandon Ambrosino, at Time, also "takes the high road" in the most condescending manner possible. Oh! So high 'n' mighty! Bitches be jealous.

Journalist With More Credibility Than "Princess Sparkle Pony" Points And Gay-Frowns At Gay Aaron Schock

Haw, ohhhhhh... today is going to be a bit awkward for poor Gay Aaron Schock™ because now a journalist from CBS News, rather than, you know, "Blogspot", is not-very-subtly alluding to the obvious gayness of Gay Aaron Schock™. This comes on the heels of a noticeable recent uptick in people coming to this blog to research the mystery and magic of Gay Aaron Schock™. And then there was the Paul Ryan/Gay Aaron Schock™ erotic fan fiction which I politely didn't mention. And when I say politely, I mean that it's not polite to talk while you're vomiting.

How much longer can Gay Aaron Schock™ keep up his hilariously unconvincing facade? I'm thinking not much longer. This could get interesting!

UPDATE: All the traffic to this blog right now –and there's plenty of it– is Gay Aaron Schock™ related. Drip, drip, drip...

Evidently Aaron's now running scared, and has, for instance, locked his Very Gay Instagram account.

New to this blog? Click here for more fun with Gay Aaron Schock™!

I Color In The Ted Cruz Coloring Book So You Don't Have To...

... with totally gay things:

Bloomberg Trolls Gay Aaron Schock

Ha, ha, poor Gay Aaron Schock™ just can't catch a break. BloombergBusinessweek, the most awkwardly named online publication (why not BloombergBusinessWeek?), just published a totally even-handed look at the Peoria GOP representative. It really is interesting, and a great summary of what kind of Republican Schock is, how he operates, etc. He's not a Tea Party conservative, he's pragmatic on immigration, he's an enthusiastic, productive and generous fundraiser... honestly, on a scale of 1 to Ted Cruz in Republican horribleness, Schock only rates about a 2 or 3. So, like I said, the article is objective, informative, nothing gossipy or wink-wink about it.

But then, ha ha ha, Bloomberg goes and makes the whole thing hilarious with that photo choice and headline.

Because what could Gay Aaron Schock™ possibly have to hide? And where does he hide it?

Gay Aaron Schock To Be "Primaried." Whether He'll Be Top Or Bottom Remains To Be Seen

 

It's been a while since we've checked in with Gay Aaron Schock™! On our last outing (so to speak), we all enjoyed the Club for Growth's hilarious attacks on Kid Wonderabs, in which they coyly never came right out and said "OMG, guys, he is soooo gay," but inserted so many wink winks in their Aaron bashing that people must have wondered if the Club for Growth had maybe gotten something in its eye. At the time I declared it "a masterpiece of dog-whistle gay baiting," but still I wondered if perhaps I was reading a little too much into it.

Well, wonder no more, because the Club for Growth has done it again! They've issued a fresh new fatwa against the gymtastic congressman from Peoria, citing a litany of reasons why he's just not conservative enough, etc., etc., before concluding, in a wonderfully, ingeniously veiled reference to Gay Aaron Schock™'s closet abode, "The voters of Illinois’s 18th Congressional District are not blind: they can tell when someone is pretending to be something they’re not."

Gay Aaron Schock™, who I am compelled to remind you is totally, fabulously heterosexual, pretending to be something he's not?  I can't imagine such a thing! So mean! Poor Gay Aaron Schock™!

Gay Aaron Schock™ Roundup!

The good news for Gay Aaron Schock™ is that he's gotten plenty of attention since making several queeny and fussy appearances at the GOP convention, appearances in which he enthused over Paul Ryan's abs and... other gay stuff. I mean guy stuff! Sorry about that.

Remember when I told you about Gay Aaron Schock's™ Google problem, a problem which I'm a bit embarrassed to say I had no small part in creating? To paraphrase Dan Savage, it didn't get better. As of this writing, my ridiculous yet true "everyone knows he's def gay" post is by far the most visited page on this blog, and Wonkette's reblogging of it is the top referring page, sating the curiosity of Gaydar Schock sufferers nationwide. Basically, since the convention, this website has been more or less a constant Gay Aaron Schock™ Pride Parade. Elsewhere on the web recently... well, see for yourself:

• The Washington Times, of all things, just published a long, very critical piece on Schock, in which they invited the Club for Growth to comment on his supposed liberalness. What's hilarious is that they don't mention the Gay Aaron Schock™ gay rumors outright, but instead ever-so-slyly refer to his penchant for pink clothing, link to a Gawker lolgay piece, and, yes, show the infamous teal belt photo. Subtle! The whole thing is a glorious masterpiece of dog-whistle gay-baiting.
• Chicagoist just rehashes Gay Aaron Schock™ rumors, pointlessly, and keeps the dream alive!
• Queerty does the same thing, but with flair: "Normally we’d say it’s offensive to assume anything about a man’s sexuality by the color of his belt. But Schock supports DOMA and opposed the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell—given how many anti-gay Republicans turn out to be closet cases, we’d have to say it’s a reasonable line of questioning." Most tantalizing is the following comment: "Aaron Schock IS gay. A friend of mine who used to be very active with the Boston Log Cabin Republicans told me he used to use the DC chapter of LCR as a personal dating pool, using various excuses such as “fundraisers” and “rallies” to get to know the guys. This was before all the gay rumors, when he was under the radar and hadn’t “come out” on the scene with his photo spreads and pink shirts." 
• The Austin Chronicle's hairdresser blog reminds us, because I guess somebody has to, that Schock denies that "he's a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy." 
• Chicagonow.com, unforgivably, refers to Gay Aaron Schock™ as Hottie McHotterson. Oops, I vomited.

Annnnd it just goes on from there, over and over, world without end. It is fucking hilarious.

Politico Wants To Know, Because, Ummm, Well, Whatever, No Reason, If Aaron Schock Thinks Paul Ryan Is Hot

Why do reporters keep asking Gay Aaron Schock™, who is officially not gay, these gay, gay, gay questions? Now it's Politico, and they want to know what Aaron thinks about Paul Ryan's body, because if any male Republican has a valid opinion on the fitness of a particular male body, it's Gay Aaron Schock™, am I right?

"But you know he's ten years older than me so ah, but he's in great shape," Schock stammered, adorably, all the while desperately attempting to appear heavy in his loafers. So ah... So ah... So ah... he's not your type? Not looking for a daddy? Is that what you're saying, Gay Aaron Schock™?

Meanwhile, Gay Aaron Schock™ found the time to tell the Huffington Thing that "nothing gets me more excited than an organic honeycrisp apple."

Oh yeah? Where?

UPDATE: And just like all my hairdresser friends and me, Gay Aaron Schock™ loves thrift stores:

 

Images via shock.house.gov

Closet Case Aaron Schock Is Uncomfortable Discussing GOP Stance On Gay Stuff, Obviously

Poor Gay Aaron Schock™ merely wanted to talk about conservative principles 'n' stuff down in Tampa, but all the reporters just wanted to ask him about the gay stuff! Why, pray tell, do the reporters look at Aaron Schock, listen to his voice, view his wardrobe, and then decide let's ask him about the gay stuff? Why do they do that? Poor, poor, Gay Aaron Schock™. It's all so terribly awkward! Tsk.

The result, hilariously, is a lot of humina humina humina, all accompanied by nervous, theatrical hand gestures. 

Hats off to Buzzfeed's Chris Geidner for totally ignoring the pink elephant in the room.

National Coming Out Day Special: Aaron Schock Has A Bit Of A "Gay Aaron Schock" Google Problem™

You may recall that back in May I posted a totally irresponsible, anonymously-sourced, and yet perfectly plausible item about how everybody knows that Aaron Schock is as gay as pink ink (as my father used to say), or, I suppose more appropriately, as gay as a teal blue cloth belt. We hold these truths to be self-evident, as the saying goes.

The item got a little bit of attention, and then Wonkette reblogged it, humorously referring to me as a "trusted DC source" (hey, I've had my moments), and that got the "news" quite a bit more attention.  And then people in the blogosphere moved along to other important topics, the end.

Well, not quite the end! Just in the last couple of days, I've noticed a considerable uptick in the number of people clicking over to the PSP Gay Aaron Schock story from the Wonkette version. Why now? It seems that Schock was recently on Meet the Press, and whenever somebody most people have never heard of is on Meet the Press, it results in a lot of Googling, and when you Google "Aaron Schock", you-know-who shows up right at the bottom of the first page:

And it doesn't get much better (ha ha) when you do a Google image search:

And say you're watching Aaron Schock on Meet the Press and you think, "Gosh, that guy looks like he was separated at birth from Neil Patrick Harris," (doesn't he?), and you decide to throw the word "gay" into your Google search:

This all adds up to Aaron Shock having what the tech-savvy reporters call a Google Problem™. Poor Aaron! But Schock has an absolutely immaculately right-wing voting history, including voting against anything which could be perceived as hairdresser-friendly, such as the repeal of "Don't Ask/Don't Tell", so why doesn't he just go ahead and step out of the closet and be a Gay Republican™ like those cool GOProud guys?

The answer, of course, is that there are no successful openly-gay GOP politicians (just ask Fred "Fred who?" Karger),  and the concept might not (ha, make that "probably wouldn't") go over like gangbusters in Schock's rural/small town Illinois district. It would literally not play well in Peoria.

As a result, Schock has to obfuscate. Take a look at his rudimentary home page (all that is missing is the "under construction" gifs) and his congressional webpage, and you'll notice that so-called "social issues" are nowhere to be found... like, anywhere. He simply acts like these issues don't exist, despite his "clean" voting record on them.

This must be soooo awkward for Aaron! Think of all the time and energy he has to put into all this! Think of how careful he has to be!

So that's why I'm nominating Gay Aaron Schock as the official poster boy for National Coming Out Day. Well, that and because he'd look so totally cute on the posters.

UPDATE: "Everyone Knows" Aaron Schock Is "Def. Gay"

Might as well just blurt it out in the headline, right? So anyway, the fun thing about living in the DC area is that you can run into somebody who knows something just anywhere: in the laundromat, the 7-11, the dog park, the "full-release but no kissing" massage parlor... you know, anywhere! Remember that big deal thing I published about Larry Craig that got so much attention? My source was simply a casual drinking buddy, somebody I knew from being out 'n' about. And so it is with Secret Pony Source Blacky (not his/her real name), who reports, "I’ve become friends with a couple of guys who work on the hill- we [engage in totally mundane activity together].  One of the guys is the press spokesman for a congressman. He ascertained that Schock is def. gay, and that word on the street in Peoria, from staffers who have worked in Schock’s office, is that everyone knows." So there you have it, the least schocking news ever. Hairdressers! Are you discreet, cute, in denial about being "straight-acting/looking," and don't mind never getting invited to your boyfriend's boring work things? Those abs could be yours.

Just thought I'd pass that along.

New to this blog? Click here for more fun with Gay Aaron Schock™! 

Why Am I Censoring This Picture Of Aaron Schock?

Easy answer: if I show the uncensored picture of abtacular, pectastic Aaron Schock from Men's Health, this will look like a GAY blog, and this isn't, strictly speaking, a GAY blog.  In fact, I generally don't even use the word GAY on this blog, because, you know, children are reading it*, and it's bad to use the word GAY around impressionable children. Also, if I put that picture of him on this blog, it'll look like an advertisement for a GAY cruise line, or a GAY health club, or International Male (not strictly a GAY company).

Also, just because Aaron Schock is immaculately plucked, tweezed, sculpted and buffed to a high sheen, it doesn't mean he's GAY, just that he's ultra-narcissistic, which isn't a trait of young GAY single men at all, any more than wearing a violet gingham shirt with a teal cloth belt and "hustler white" jeans is a sign of GAYness.

Plus, as Salon points out, "Schock's politics are so trenchantly homophobic that no amount of muscle definition can blind us to this fact." So true! Because as we all know, nothing says "I am not a GAY politician" quite like being against all pro-GAY legislation.

So there you have it: there is no evidence that Aaron Schock is GAY, much less GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY OMG SO GAY.

You know who should interview not-GAY Aaron Schock about this injustice? Fox News' Chad Pergram.

*When I first started this blog, I tried to make it seem like a blog for kids, but wasn't able to maintain the tone. When I recently visited Arizona, my young nephews who, like all good children, use the word "gay" as a pejorative, said, "Your blog is funny," and I thought, "Uhhhhh."

Wardrobe Suggestion For Aaron Schock's Next Garden Party Appearance

UPDATE – Aaron Schock has twatted:

Never thought a pic of me w/ my shirt on would go viral. Learned my lesson and burned the belt.

OK, but what about the violet gingham shirt?

UPDATE: Aaron Schock Gay Outfit Roundup

• Joe.my.god: "Rep Schock would like to remind you that he is totally straight."
• Mike Signorile wonders if  that's how they dress in Peoria and recommends a coordinated bag.
• Americablog: "I mean, seriously, look at him."

I can also say that, based on this site's stats, this picture is now burning up the Facebooks.

UPDATE – I didn't mention this before because I thought it was too obvious, but nobody else has risen to the occasion, so I'll go ahead and point out gingham's strong association with Judy Garland/Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz.

Where Do I Start?

(Photo via Gawker)

Oh, jeez, right. You've seen the picture above by now, haven't you? It's Aaron Schock, Republican congressman from Illinois, at a party dolled up in an outfit unanimously declared by the internets as totally, totally, unbelievably, unequivocally hairdresserish. 

Let's cut to the chase: the internets are correct.

Also! Aaron Schock is a dick.

Consciences cleared,  let's rip this fey, trendy outfit to shreds.

First of all, the shirt. I've gone from zero to really sick of gingham, this year's compulsory pattern, in about four months this year.  This shirt is particularly annoying because the gingham pattern to supersized to novelty proportions. Note, too, the construction: it appears to be fitted, likely with seams in the back. That and the lack of a pocket make it a good choice for Schock to showcase his impressive pecs and abs, something he frequently does, and hey, if you've got it, flaunt it, right? It's simply pure Twinkie™ logic, as is the one-button-unbuttoned-too-many strategy. I mean, honestly, did he think he was at JR's?

And, for goodness' sake, it's violet. Not only is this blatantly gay, but also this-season trendy for menswear. I browsed at Sak's recently, and what I mostly took away from the experience was WHY ARE THEY ALL TRYING SO HARD TO MAKE ME WEAR VIOLET? I was irritated.

And you know what else is hyper trendy right now? 80s revival cloth belts. These are illegal in my world, in part because they are cheap and ugly, but also because they honestly are too gay for me, a blogger who uses the pseudonym Princess Sparkle Pony. The preciousness of Schock's color scheme here, with the bright turquoise popping so stridently with the similarly-keyed violet, is again just so goddamn Twinkie™ that it practically screams OMG THE NEW SCISSOR SISTERS ALBUM JUST CAME OUT AND SO DID I!

Finally, the trousers. As I commented on Gawker, we used to call those "hustler white jeans." Enough said!

So, in conclusion, yes, Aaron Schock's outfit is truly, madly, deeply gay. And trendy. But mainly gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. Granted, this could mean one of two things: Schock is gay, or he has a nelly stylist who dresses him. Evidence strongly suggests the former is correct.

And this makes him even more of a dick.