The Story So Far: Hillary Not as Photo-Oppy as Condi, but I Totally Hate This Coat

Belgium Foreign Minister Karel de Gucht (L) welcomes US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton before a 'transatlantic' dinner at Egmont palace. Clinton said Wednesday that she was very encouraged by the position of European nations on hosting inmates from Guantanamo prison, which Washington has moved to close. (AFP/Dominique Faget)

It's been what, like, a year now that Hillary Clinton has been SoS? OK, so let's evaluate: sifting through news photos of her just is not as much fun as it was with Condi. I mean, tracking the hairdo (so you don't have to) was a nerve-wracking occupation! You never knew when things in Condiland might go fabulously awry. In other words: don't hold your breath for an aglitter piano recital from Hils anytime soon.

I also enjoyed, obviously, the relentless succession and frequency, almost hypnotic, of Condi's incredible, mechanical, pre-tested, pre-programmed and marked-with-tape-on-the-floor photo-ops: the hallowed Matching Armchairs, the Dueling Podiums, the Madison Time. They were such wonderful snowflake-like creations, all alike yet all tantalizingly different and inane in their own unique ways.

Not so Secretary Pantsuit. She hasn't been an enthusiastic participant, so far, in the Matching Armchairs thing; most of the photos show her coming and going from activities rather than in staged "availabilities." She's done a few Madison Times and, naturally, the unavoidable Dueling Podiums, but they just don't have the same zany pizazz so frequently provided by Doctor Ferragamo's intriguing suits and tasteless accessories. The truth of the matter is that Hillary has turned into everything I feared: an uninspired dresser with neither poor nor great taste, a hairdo which fails to speak to me in even the tiniest voice, and an apparent preference to actually work rather than pose at working.

This approach fails to meet the needs of satirical bloggers. Tsk.

But, like I said, God, I just totally hate that coat.

Stage Mother

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, right, and Italian Foreign Minister Massimo D'Alema look at the name tags on the floor at the State Department in Washington, Tuesday, Dec. 11, 2007.(AP Photo/Kevin Wolf)

Aren't they even trying anymore? Here we see Condi and today's photo-op companion, but it seems that the AP caption writer isn't bothering with the niceties. It's all so meta: here's Condi showing the Italian guy where to stand for the photo-op. Massimo, meet Hollywood. It's Madison Time!

In other news, I got the Elizabeth Bumiller book today! I have not started reading it yet!

And Back to The Madison!

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (R) walks out to greet the press with Sweden's Minister of Foreign Affairs Carl Bildt before their meeting at the State Department in Washington November 14, 2007. REUTERS/Molly Riley (UNITED STATES)

We haven't seen one of these photo-ops for a while! Sometimes when Condi's especially busy and her guest is particularly uninteresting, the whole matching armchairs or dueling podiums treatment isn't really called for. That's why I sometimes call this the "bum's rush" photo-op, due to its Have you met my friend? He/She was just going nature. My favorite thing, though, is when the striding statesmen look like they're performing a spirited version of The Madison for the gathered photographers, as with Condi and her Swedish friend above. Hit it! What did the two powerful world players chat about? Heck if I know; nobody reported a thing about it! But the pictures were taken, and that's the important thing, after all.

Things went downhill after that, though, because Dr. Diplamazon had to trade in her tall, blonde playdate* for itsy-bitsy Robert Gates:

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (R) and Defense Secretary Robert Gates walk to a U.S. House of Representatives briefing on current developments in the Middle East, on Capitol Hill in Washington, November 14, 2007. REUTERS/Jason Reed (UNITED STATES)

Condi looks like she's having fun! Maybe she likes going places with the wee yet perfectly-formed defense secretary? I really don't think she has a lot of laffs when she does these "progress reports" to Congress. I mean, making up all that stuff must be boring! I wonder if she ever includes really weird things, just to see if the people in the House are seriously listening to her or merely hearing her voice droning on and on? She should try it: "Yes, we have totally solved all wolverine issues in Ramallah, blah, blah, blah, post-it-note-related deaths down 15%, blah, blah, blah." She might as well! Would you notice it if she started just quoting Captain Beefheart lyrics in the middle of one of her dreary Sunday show gigs? I swear I wouldn't.

Also, I'd like to add that Condi's a ripe little tomato today! I really, really wish she had on green tights and a cute little leaf hat to go with that suit. So cute!

*OK, OK, this Swedish guy is interesting in a Micheline Calmy-Rey way in that he's boringly sensible. I find such European politicians difficult to satirize!

Unpleasant Condibot Malfunctions

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, right, meets with Haiti's Prime Minister Jacques Edouard Alexis to discuss immigration and job creation, Wednesday, April 4, 2007, at the State Department in Washington. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)

I think it just wasn't Team Condibot's day, that's the only way to explain it. I mean, look at that picture! That's clearly not the real Dr. Secretary, so it must be the labor-saving, Disneytronic Condibot, and just as clearly the programming has gone horribly awry. Tsk.

You want more evidence? Well, as Pony Pals™ know, I've categorized the different kinds of Condiography setups: the matching armchairs, the dueling podiums, the have you met my friend? He/she was just leaving (also known as the Bum's Rush), etc. I think my favorite photo-op is the Madison Time, in which Condi 'n' pals appear to be treating the Condirazzi to a rousing performance of the early-60s dance craze. Madison Time is a tricky photo-op, and as you'll see below, the Condibot, accompanied by the Dutch Hula-Hoop guy and wee yet perfectly-formed Robert Gates, simply wasn't up to the task:

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, center, walks with Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, right, and NATO Secretary General Jakob de Hoop Scheffer at the State Department Wednesday, April 4, 2007 in Washington. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

Oh, terrible footwork! They're all over the place! I believe the Condibot is a poor choice when performing the Madison is required; let the real Condi shine in these situations. Anyway, then those three crazy kids did their stand-up routine:

Watch out, Condi! The Hula Hoop guy has a pie behind his back!

Caution: Objects May be Closer than They Appear

British Foreign Minister Margaret Beckett (L) walks from joint remarks to the press with U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice at the State Department in Washington, July 10, 2006. REUTERS/Jason Reed (UNITED STATES)

Well the caption may say they're walking, but Pony Pals™ know that they're really in the midst of a rousing impromptu performance of the Madison, as I've documented several times before. But we've certainly never seen it from this angle! Reuters' has performed a public service here by inviting us to compare Condi 'n' Maggie's asses, a need I wasn't aware I even had until it was thrillingly fulfilled with this impressive capture of a totally important diplomatic moment.

Condirazzi Iron Photo-Opographer Challenge Round 3!

In this corner, current leader Yuri Gripas of Team Reuters:

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (R) and Indonesia's Foreign Minister Hassan Wirajuda walk into the Treaty Room of the State Department in Washington after their meeting May 19, 2006. REUTERS/Yuri Gripas

And in this corner, Associated Press' Lawrence Jackson:

The match is happening RIGHT NOW! I'm liking Gripas again, because he knows that when you've got Condi in mid-stroll, you want to get the whole body-shot, because 1. We want to see Condi's shoes, and 2. It makes her and her partner look like they're dancing the Madison. A big strong line! Hit it!

It's too early to judge this round yet, but it looks like the above shots show Condi 'n' Pal heading toward the hallowed matching armchairs in the reception room, and that's this competition's field of dreams, if you will, even if it wasn't used in yesterday's Round 2. Will Gripas play it conservative, as he did in Round 1, or do a little arty hotdogging?

Also, please note that challenger AP has tossed aside the husks of their previous entrants, and this time they've changed tactics by choosing a photographer with a safe, WASPy name. Will it help?

Stay tuned! OMG, the Iron Photo-Opographer Challenge is totally better than American Idol.

UPDATE: The Second Lap!

Alrighty, in this next segment, Condi 'n' Pal have moved inside to the Reception Room, and the contestants have shot pretty much the identical instant:

AP Photo/Jackson

Reuters/Gripas

This is the best showing yet by an AP competitor. But as in the previous rounds, please note the whites in Gripas' photo... he's the All-Temperature Cheer of photographers; his whites are simply whiter.

More subtle, though, are the compositional differences. Note how both incorporate the painting on the upper-left: Jackson edges it almost, but not quite, out of the frame, creating a hard-edged border on the left side of his photo. Gripas allows more of the painting into the frame, thereby creating an expansive shape which keeps the left side open. And yet with the doorframe behind Condi we see the opposite happen, because the dark rectangle of the door creates a strongly closed shape which encompases our Princessplomat and divides the composition. Gripas wisely reinforces this by including the frame, neatly creating a closed side on the right as a complement to the open, expansive shapes and colors on the left. Wait, see, here's how it works:

Recall that Jackson closed off the left side with that frame edge. The result is that Jackson's picture is more cramped than Gripas' more dynamic capture of the identical moment.

This was a lot closer than the first two rounds, but I'm declaring Gripas 3 for 3.

Oh, and PS, I'm sure the nice Foreign Minister of Indonesia and Dr. Ferragamo talked about, oh, just loads of important things 'n' stuff.

Boring in Bulgaria

NATO Secretary General Jaap de Hoop Scheffer, center, stands with other NATO foreign minister during a group photo at a NATO foreign ministers meeting at the National Palace of Culture in Sofia, Thursday April 27, 2006. Iran 's nuclear standoff with the West is expected to dominate talks Thursday between the U.S. and NATO counterparts on the eve of a U.N. deadline for Tehran to halt uranium enrichment. (Front row left to right, Bulgaria's Ivaylo Kalfin, U.S. Condoleezza Rice . Middle row left to right, France's Philippe Douste Blazy, Germany's Frank Walter Steinmeier, and back row left to right, Norway's Jonas Gahr Stoere, and Poland's Stefan Meller. (AP Photo/Virginia Mayo)

So, yeah, I kinda jumped the gun by saying that there were lots of photos of Queen Exerceezza in Bulgaria today. True, there were plenty of shots, but they were pretty boring, even though it's hard not to be amused by what appear to be, at first glance, streamers erupting from our heroine's cabeza. There were no classic Condi moments, no matching armchairs, no dueling podiums, no amusing strolling pics which make it look like she's doing the Madison. Instead, Condi had to wander around on foot talking to boring people she already sees way too much of, like NATO head Loop-de-Loop or whatever his name is.

However! There was one of those great moments when, overcome by boredom, the Reuters snapper (in this case Stoyan Nenov) allows himself to get distracted by the scenery and it ends up pushing our poor Princess off the page:

God, I love shots like that. You catch on quick, Mr. (Ms.?) Nenov!

Meanwhile, Condi Attends Line-Dancing Workshop in Germany

Foreign ministers from the United Nations Security Council permanent members plus Germany meet to discuss Iran's disputed nuclear programme in Berlin March 30, 2006. Six world powers gathered in Berlin on Thursday to discuss the next steps in dealing with Iran's nuclear programme, with Russia and China seeking assurances that there are no plans to use force against Tehran.(L-R) Dai Bingguo from China, Russia's Sergei Lavrov , Condoleezza Rice from the U.S. , Frank-Walter Steinmeier of Germany, Britain's Jack Straw, Philippe Douste-Blazy from France and European Union foreign policy chief Javier Solana. REUTERS/Michael Kappeler/Pool

When I say hit it, I want you to go two up and two back with a big strong turn and back to the Madison.

Hit it!

You're lookin' good.

UPDATE: Sister Nancy prompts this alternative headline: Franklin Mint Introduces "Masters of Diplomacy" Doll and Matching Flag Series.

Walk This Way

It's like a superfantastic mini Unocal reunion starring Condi 'n' Karzai this morning in Afghanistan. (Please note that the Hairdo Alert System™ status has been lowered back down to "low", as Condi seems to be well away from any native large costumed birds.) I really like Hamid's robe and blazer combo; it whispers, "I am a man of the people, yet I have access to Brooks Brothers." But whenever I see Condi strolling with somebody like this, I always like to imagine that, rather than simply strolling, they're really breaking into a torrid rendition of The Madison. Go ahead and look at the picture again and imagine it. It's fun, isn't it? A big strong line! Hit it!

OK, so let's go over our Conditrip checklist: did she speak behind a podium?

Check! Did she sit in matching armchairs in front of a fireplace with the target of her charm?

Check! Mission accomplished awesomely, Condi!

A Big Strong Line! Hit It!

Condi and the Japanese Foreign Minister surprised reporters today by spontaneously breaking into a rousing version of "The Madison":

Reuters photo by my favorite Condiproduct™ supplier, Yuri Gripas.