SoS: The Secretary of State's Shoes, Hairdos, and Fabulous Fashions, Part Two, 2006

(AFP, 01-30-06)

2006 really was Condi's banner year. She did the most while accomplishing the least. By this time, Team Condi had everything down to a science. And while you may argue that Condi's tenure at the State Department constituted more than simply a series of vapid photo-ops, you have to admit that her tenure included an astounding number of them, most of which were faithfully dissected by yours truly. As Condi's routine gelled and settled, so too did this blog's fascination with the minutiae of her fairytale world increase. The highlights from year two:

• 01-06: Bush 'n' Condi allow "5-10 minutes" of their time for Colin 'n' Maddie photo-op.
• 01-06: Condi, Karen Hughes and Margaret Spellings, together at last.
• 01-13: Condi's resemblance to "Chucky Doll" noted.
• 01-16: Condoleezza Hairdo Alert System briefly raised to "Elevated" due to fanciful hats.
• 01-26: Jumbo Conditron is introduced.
• 02-13: We momentarily thought Condi had adopted a large, square afro:

(Reuters)

• 02-16: I indulged in more Condi afro fantasies.
• 02-25: Condi makes the cover of The Black Republican, a real magazine.
• 03-01: The exciting debut of network Condicising.
• 03-02: Condi 'n' Crazy Eyes, the dinner guests from Hell.
• 03-09: If looks could kill, Rumsfeld would be a pile of smoldering ashes.
• 03-12: Condi receives prank cocaine-lined ukulele with love from Bolivia.
• 03-14: Condi meets Elmo, as eerily foreshadowed by PSP.
• 03-16: Condi briefly forced to wear baseball cap, dine with mortals on Australian visit.
• 03-21: Condi does three matching armchairs photo-ops in one afternoon.
• 03-27: A new photo-op type is born as Condi rushes from one Sunday show to the next.
• 03-31: Romance with Jack Straw continues (see below) as Condi visits glamorous Blackburn.
• 03-31: "I know we have made tactical errors, thousands of them."

• 04-01: Pony Pal™ z7 introduces a still functioning Condiriffic diploclock.
• 04-02: Prevalence of Kleenex™ in Arab photo-ops noted.
• 04-06: State Department staffer surfs 53 pages of PSP in 26 minutes.
• 04-08: NY Times publishes puff piece on Condi's chamber music group.
• 04-11: Associated Press obtains hot Condi juvenalia.
• 04-25: Greeks pay tribute to Condi with a special puppet show.
• 05-01: And Rumsfeld glares right back at Condi. Who will win this battle of endurance?
• 05-05: MOMA acquires unflattering portrait of Condi.
• 05-07: Condi dumps Jack Straw.
• 05-08: Wasted Condi appears to fall asleep during Bush speech.
• 05-09: Condi honored by Time Magazine, wears satin, carries Judith Leiber purse.
• 05-10: Condi has to bat off an overexcited Javier Solana.
• 05-16: Her boring iPod playlist revealed.
• 05-16: Superiority of Reuters Yuri Gripas conclusively demonstrated when he wins the Condirazzi Iron Photo-Opographer challenge.
• 05-31: Condi introduces ring-toss as a way to liven up press conferences:

• 06-01: Condi introduces us to Ursula, her exact chromatic opposite. Later, Ursula would be revealed to be the Anti-Condi.
• 06-01: Hilarious Bush/Condi rumors are taken seriously for about five minutes.
• 06-03: The return of Condicising.
• 06-13: Condi 'n' Rummy: still super awkward.
• 07-03: PSP nails down the requirements for a truly cliché Condi presidential rumor article.
• 07-10: Afro fantasies reach their logical conclusion.
• 07-16: Wheee! Condi rides on a golf cart driven by Vladimir Putin.
• 07-20: Condi and Jesse Jackson, together at last.
• 07-24: Condi suffers a nearly complete hairdo breakdown in Lebanon.
• 07-26: "Touching her forehead" or "wincing in pain"? You decide!
• 07-27: Condi shakes off the bad times, dons a bizarre sparkley outfit, plays the piano.
• 07-29: Condi inspires renaissance of mean-spirited Lebanese caricature:

• 08-02: Condi becomes chic fashion accessory for goats.
• 08-03: What if Condi traveled back in time and appeared in a serigraph by William H. Johnson?
• 08-24: PSP endures 10-day Condi dry spell, survives.
• 09-01: Angela Merkel knocks Condi off the "Most Powerful Woman™" pedestal.
• 09-12: Condi has a whirlwind, caffeine-fueled dream date (see below) with hunky Peter MacKay.
• 09-12: Meet serial Condi portrayer Penny Johnson!
• 09-14: Reuters Condiographers begin Condi upskirt contest. All will fail.
• 09-25: Experimental "reaching across the banquet table" photo-op debuts, flops.

• 10-06: Condi completes terrifying 50-yard dash in Baghdad.
• 10-10: Vampire Condi officiates at gay wedding, almost bites Crazy Eyes.
• 10-18: Two words which always quicken my pulse in Condi photo captions: gusty winds.
• 10-18: Origin of "holding the invisible sphere" gesture found in Italian Surrealist sculpture.
• 10-19: Koreans make the prettiest anti-Condi graphics.
• 10-20: Multiple Chinese matching armchair photo-ops spoiled by enormous flower arrangements.
• 10-20: Karen Hughes likens Condi to 7th Century Muslim woman.
• 10-25: Condi flops on return to Heritage Foundation, neocons turn on her, too.
• 11-09: Condi introduces washed-up ice skater as latest weapon in the war on terror.
• 11-12: Condi vs. Rummy battle over, Condi wins.
• 11-15: Peter MacKay breaks up with Condi long-distance.
• 11-17: Condi 'n' Crazy Eyes wear ill-advised satin outfits to banquet.
• 11-21: She finally gets leid:

• 12-01: Protesters decide Condi is best represented by a hirsute bird puppet.
• 12-11: Hacky rom-com author gazes at Condi, finds her wanting.
• 12-12: Condi experiences bigger invisible spherical friend envy.
• 12-14: PSP longs for Condibot/Ben Bot romance.
• 12-19: Angry Condi avatar hits the WII.
• 12-29: We notice that Condi wisely keeps her ladyparts covered during close encounters with the rest of the Bush administration:

Another crazy year for Condi watchers! Note, however, that 2006 contained the crest of her fabulous trajectory as SoS, and by the end of the year, people would regularly be writing mean things about her and deciding that some dumpy German lady was more powerful. The nerve!

Stay tuned for 2007, a year of decline and embarrassments, and 2008, re-runs.

Here's 2005, 2007, 2008/9.

Quickie: Condi 'n' Crazy Eyes Dine Together Peacefully

I know my Pony Pals™ like to think that there's this intense rivalry between Princess Condi and Laura "Crazy Eyes" Bush, but I'm sorry to tell you a coworker excitedly reported this morning that she and her husband spotted the power-shopping duo leaving Restaurant Eve in Alexandria on Friday night, and neither appeared to have her eyes clawed out or any Ferragamo heel marks on her forehead. So they're, like, totally friends 'n' stuff, hangin' on a Friday night. Eww.

Crazy Eyes Allowed, Adorably, to Pretend to Write Op-Eds

First Lady Laura Bush, left, poses with daughter Jenna Bush and Caryl M. Stern, president and CEO, US Fund for UNICEF during the book launch for Jenna's recently published Ana's Story at UNICEF House in New York on Monday, October 1, 2007. The book based on Jenna Bush�s work with UNICEF in Latin America and the Caribbean.(Jeff Connell/Camera One via newcast)

What fun! The Wall Street Journal can always be counted on to publish Bush Administration talking points on their editorial page, but now there's a fun new way to do it by pretending that the First Lady wrote them. Wheee! And I just totally know that Crazy Eyes sat down and wrote that editorial all by herself, definitely not a team of White House speech writers! People are so cynical! Stop it!

This is kind of a slap at Condi, isn't it? You'd think the secretary of state would get the byline on this one, but her credibility these days is... well, they should probably just stick to sending Condi to test drive electric cars from now on, OK?

Still More Crucially Important Laura Bush Dress News

First lady Laura Bush, right, receives the Women's Day Red Dress Award from Jane Chesnutt, editor-in-chief of Women Day magazine, in New York, Thursday, Feb. 1, 2007. The event kicks off American Heart Month by honoring women who have made strides in the fight against heart disease, the number one killer of women today. (AP Photo/Shiho Fukada)

It's been quite a week in Republican couture-related fake news, hasn't it? I wish every week could be as bursting at the seams as this one, obvs. So anyway, why did "Crazy Eyes" get the coveted Red Dress Award? Did she, like, smoke only half a carton of Pall Malls that day? Way to go, Crazy Eyes!

One problem: what's up with the wire hangers? Don't make me go all Faye Dunaway on your asses.

Post-Op

Laura "Crazy Eyes" Bush before having her horrible, cancerous growth removed:

Laura "Crazy Eyes" Bush after having her horrible, cancerous growth removed:

Laura "Crazy Eyes" Bush Imports Compliant Tennessee Child for Austin, Texas Library Opening

First lady Laura Bush, right, appears at the Westbank Community Library with Reese Phinney, left, Tuesday, Aug. 14, 2007, in Austin, Texas. Mrs. Bush, a former librarian and school teacher, is a longtime book and reading advocate, and will have a library named in her honor after it is constructed. She visited the Westbank Library for the dedication and signed the children's book that will be the first in the new facility that will be named in her honor. Reese, 5, is the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Hartley Phinney, of Franklin, Tennessee. She is the granddaughter of the head librarian at Westbank, Beth Fox. (AP Photo/Harry Cabluck)

Anybody who knows anything about Austin surely knows that the majority of its citizens are probably less than thrilled at the idea of a library named after the insane spouse of the stupidest man to ever run this country. Fortunately for Crazy Eyes, an extensive search finally turned up some parents willing to place their child within reach of Ms. Bush's greedy talons and incisors. Careful, young'un! Oh, who am I kidding; that child is already 3/4 of the way through the First Lady's digestive tract.

Dinner Party

As you can see, it was a formal affair this evening in India. I'm declaring Condi's dress to be gorgeous... sorry, no snark there. I'm guessing it's Oscar de La Renta, her fave designer. But can we please talk about crazy-eyes Laura's dress? WTF is that? Quick, let's look at more pictures:

Damn, what the heck is that thing? Is that Laura Ashley? Does it have translucent arms? Laura, honey... really. Also, here's the worst. accessory. EVER:

Dang, let's look at Condi again:

George! Put your eyes back in your head, sir!

LOLaura

Pony Pal™ Carroll was inspired to scale the heights of artistic fancy by yesterday's photos of Laura "Crazy Eyes" Bush. I think this kinda thing could catch on:

Girlie Chat

U.S. Republican vice-presidential candidate Governor Sarah Palin (R-AK) (L-R) meets U.S. first lady Laura Bush and Cindy McCain, wife of U.S. Republican presidential candidate Senator John McCain (R-AZ), in Minneapolis, Minnesota September 2, 2008. REUTERS/McCain Press Office/Handout (UNITED STATES)

Well! It's about time Sarah got down to brass tacks and conducted the kind of crucial strategy meetings expected of her! And who better to guide her than important Bush Administration official Crazy Eyes and her new BFF, Lady Penelope? Sisters are doing it for themselves! And John McCain! Yay!

Somebody with the McCain Campaign Might Want to Have a Chat with Laura Bush

Burmese monk U Kovida (2ndR) speaks with US President George W. Bush (2ndL) and First Lady Laura Bush (C) during a meeting with dissidents on Governor's Island in New York. (AFP/Jim Watson)

Wheee! Oh, Crazy Eyes, we love you:

CNN: Do you think she has the foreign policy experience that everyone’s criticizing her about?

BUSH: Well, obviously — Of course she doesn’t have that. That’s not been her role. But I think she’s a very quick study, and fortunately, John McCain does have that experience.

But... but... she can see Russia from her house!

The Guy Paulson Put in Charge of, Like, Eleventy Zillion Dollars Has Crazy Eyes, Will Eat Your Soul

Oh dear. They've gone and put Lex Luthor in charge of the bailout plan. And what do you know? He's a Goldman, Sachs guy! What a remarkable coinkydink! What could possibly go wrong?

UPDATE: He may be an asshole of truly epic proportions.

It Must be True; I Read It in Pravda!

President Bush waves as he and his wife, first lady Laura Bush, walk to the White House upon arrival on the South Lawn of the White House in Washington, Sunday, July 20, 2008. (AP Photo/Lawrence Jackson)

It's been a while since we've had Bush/Condi/Crazy-Eyes love triangle rumors! Maybe because the very idea makes people vomit? Perhaps the visions of cast-aside pantsuits are all too much? Yes, yes they are, but that doesn't stop Pravda from cobbling together a wonderful article which shows their unique talent for running with Chinese whispers and vague sources. Enjoy!

Condi Buys New Bag for Old

Did wonderful Mary Ann Akers at the Washington Post just spoil Condi's Xmas present for her BFF Laura "Crazy Eyes" Bush? Maybe! The details are hazy, but I just know you'll love this report on Condi doing what she does best:

Before flying off to the Mideast Donors conference in Paris, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice - and two black SUVs full of diplomatic security agents - popped into Saks Fifth Avenue in Chevy Chase, Md., Saturday for a little holiday shopping spree. And now we know how the sartorially savvy Rice gets all that shopping done without the paparazzi, as it were in sleepy Washington, mauling her: she's a member of "the Club" at Saks, where VIP clients can shop and try on clothes without the commoners and gossip informants seeing (and then reporting) their every move.

Rice shopped in the St. John boutique in Saks and perused the sales racks on the second floor before heading to the privacy of the club to try on various items. We're not sure what she left with for herself, as a predictably stodgy spokesman for the department store declined to comment, but we're told by a well-placed source in the store that the president's top diplomat didn't buy any shoes.

(Shoes are what got Rice in trouble in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. She took a lot of flak from various news organizations - and later from movie director Spike Lee - for reports that she binged on shoes at the ultra chic Ferragamo store on 5th Ave. in New York. Gawker reported that she was accosted by an angry shopper who questioned Rice's spending spree in light of the devastation wrought by Katrina. But our colleague Glenn Kessler reports in his book "The Confidante" that while Rice admitted the ill-timed visit to Ferragamo, she denied she was accosted.)

While we couldn't verify with the Saks spokesman, we're told Condi left with some very expensive products likely intended as gifts - no doubt, one of them for her dear friend Laura Bush. Let's just say, if it's what we think it is... the first lady will enjoy (carrying) it.

OMG, how much do you want to bet it's a Judith Leiber purse? Condi's been known, after all, to tote one around herself. Also, St. John Knits? This explains a LOT, don't you think?

Elvis Condi Hits the Ranch

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Secretary of Defense Robert Gates listen as NATO Secretary General Jaap de Hoop Scheffer and U.S. President George W. Bush speak to reporters after their meeting at Bush's ranch in Crawford, Texas, May 21, 2007. REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque (UNITED STATES)

Yup, it's cowboy time for Condi and all her city slicker friends, and they had a very special guest... the Dutch Hula-Hoop Guy™! We love him! OMG, are we not men? We are NATO, LOL! Anyway, are you a little disappointed that we can't see Dr. Ferragamo's shades because of Kevin Lamarque's narrow depth-of-focus favoring the tiny, yet perfectly-formed secretary of defense? Well, I wanted to prepare you for the worst. Are you sitting down? Good, because I need to present you with the ugliest and most ostentatious pair of Chanel sunglasses EVER, and that's saying something:

Oh dear. Honey, bad message. Your logos should never be bigger than your eyeballs. And the embarrassment gets worse, because at the ranch they just stick the podiums in the dirt and throw a couple of pieces of patio furniture in the bushes and call it a press conference, OK? It's really, really bad:

NATO Secretary-General Jaap de Hoop Scheffer (R) and U.S. President George W. Bush (2nd R) speak to reporters as U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (2nd L), Secretary of Defense Robert Gates (3rd R), first lady Laura Bush (3rd L) and Jeannine de Hoop Scheffer listen at Bush's ranch in Crawford, Texas, May 21, 2007. REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque (UNITED STATES)

You know, I grew up in the Southwest, and babies, that just isn't Southwest chic. It can be done, but you're not doing it. I wish Crazy Eyes and Mrs. Hula-Hoop had beers, because that's the vibe I'm getting.

And then to top it all off, afterwards Condi wandered off and got stuck in a cactus patch:

Overall I'd have to call this a very tacky day for the Bush administration.

Laura Bush Stumbles into Titan Video Shoot

New Zealand soliders perform the traditional warrior dance or haka during a ceremony welcoming U.S., first lady Laura Bush, right, at the military compound in Bamiyan, Afghanistan, Sunday, June 8, 2008. New Zealand military took over Bamiyan's Provincial Reconstruction Team Base from U.S. Troops in 2003. On the left of Bush is Major Justin de la Haye. (AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

OK, I've been a little negligent lately. Sure, Condi's been a washout, a total bore, but I really should have paid closer attention to Laura Bush's strangely pointless recent adventure in Afghanistan. Her encounter with hot, half-naked Kiwi rough trade was especially touching. This is just so weird that even if I'm two days late, it would be a crime to not post the whole series of Laura Bush nudie cuties:

Can you spot the bottom? Remember this morning when we chatted about the marvels of cropping? Let's try it out:

HOTT. It's a good thing the FLOTUSbot™ is evidently sedated. Regard:

Can the hot, tattooed, scantily-clad muscleboy tempt Crazy Eyes? Will she flinch? Will she react in any way? Even if you kick sand at her? Nope:

Also, did you read about Laura's absurd mode of transport on her trip? Yes, she is safely sequestered in an Airstream trailer within an airplane. So cool:

To truly appreciate the surreality of this arrangement, you just have to look at the Reuters photo which shows the above setup in use. Not only is the first lady thoroughly encased within her stylish womb, it also has netting thrown over it:

Oh, Laura. It's so cute to see you transported like the wonderful zoo animal you are. I'll totally miss you.

First Lady of Ghana Easily Outfabulouses Laura Bush

President Bush, left, and first lady Laura Bush, right, welcome Ghana's President John Kufuor, second left, and his wife Theresa Kufuor, to the White House, Monday, Sept. 15, 2008, in Washington, for a State Dinner. (AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta)

Seriously, so cute! I think Mr. Kufuor is easily the most adorable thing to ever enter the White House. If only her husband had 1/8 of her kickiness. The outfit looks like it was designed by Matisse. Two sparkley hooves way, way up!

And, um, since I've been so horrible and sexist lately, the less said about Crazy Eyes' dress, the better.

Second Fiddle

France's Foreign Affairs Minister Bernard Kouchner (L) greets U.S. first lady Laura Bush (C) and U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice at the Kleber international centre in Paris June 12, 2008. Ministers from dozens of countries gathered in Paris to pledge funds for Afghanistan and review their development strategy for the violence-plagued state. REUTERS/Eric Feferberg/Pool (FRANCE)

See Crazy Eyes' confident swagger? She knows who's in charge. See Condi's sour look? She does, too! I've mentioned before that many of Condi's duties have been turned over to the first lady, and last week's stunningly purposeless journey to Afghanistan certainly proved that. That was supposed to be Condi's unnecessary journey! And now, there she is, just there to sign the papers, I guess.

A lot of people leave comments here saying, OMG, what will you do when Condi leaves? But, you know, by that time, I'm thinking all of us will be pretty much over her*. Don't you think? Heck, coming up with a new subtitle for the blog won't be that hard. Hmmm... I keep track of Ursula Plassnik's scarves so you don't have to has a nice ring to it.

*The latest poll numbers suggest America agrees with us.

Sparkle Pony 2008 Review Part Two

(AP Photo/Fitness, David Y. Lee)

APRIL:

• 04-01: We fell in love with Condicizing again, and her invisible spherical friend became momentarily corporeal.
• 04-02: Tom Toles pretty much summarized the entire Condiyear in one cartoon.
• 04-02: Laura "Crazy Eyes" Bush pretty much lost it in Romania.
• 04-02: Micheline: still fabulous.
• 04-07: Thandie cast as Condi.
• 04-09: My favorite post title of the year: Condi Veep Rumor Sideshow Tent Explodes.
• 04-15: Angela Merkel: They're real, and they're incredible.
• 04-21: Bored with Condi's hairdo, I gave her antlers.
• 04-25: Condi 'n' Bush cheered on wounded vets and created a Gold Medal Supreme Grossout Moment of the Year™:

MAY:

• 05-13: We found out that pretty much all the Sunday shows were sick of the Condibot.
• 05-15: And now for something completely different, assault with a deadly juvenile deity.
• 05-15: Alan Keyes called himself an abortion, and who am I to argue?
• 05-16: The troops need hairdressers now more than ever.
• 05-22: Larry Craig bobblefoot proved that anything is marketable.
• 05-22: I wondered if maybe Daffy Duck was loose in the State Department.
• 05-28: Condi met Kiss:

JUNE:

• 06-02: We got abstinence in our pants and we needed to dance.
• 06-07: Condi got the inevitable Kiss makeover.
• 06-10: Laura Bush stumbled onto the set of what could be the hottest gay porn ever.
• 06-16: I found out I pretty much work in a den of filth.
• 06-23: I made some probably ill-advised suggestions for new racist campaign merchandise.
• 06-30: Condi had gorgeous Chinese photo-ops:

Background Check

Republican vice presidential candidate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, speaks in front of Wooly the Wolverine, the West High School mascot, during a campaign appearance in Sioux City, Iowa, Saturday, Oct. 25, 2008. (AP Photo/Nati Harnik)

Crazy eyes! Aw, things don't seem to be going so well for Sarah these days. Her approval ratings continue to sink, kids dislike her, women can't stand her, etc. And now she's even bickering with the people trying to get her elected:

"She's lost confidence in most of the people on the plane," said a senior Republican who speaks to Palin, referring to her campaign jet. He said Palin had begun to "go rogue" in some of her public pronouncements and decisions.

"I think she'd like to go more rogue," he said.

Sarah losing confidence in her handlers may be, in fact, the first glimmer of intelligence I've detected in her. As for going rogue? Oh, yes please! Let Sarah be Sarah! Yay!

She-Joker™ Frightens Children, Goes Shopping for a New Doghouse

United States first lady Laura Bush listens to a student as Savannah Hartley looks on during a visit to an elementary school in D'Iberville, Mississippi February 22, 2007. REUTERS/Lee Celano (UNITED STATES)

Ol' "Crazy Eyes", looking increasingly like Jack Nicholson and/or Elizabeth Dole, had a photo-optacular* trip down the ol' mississip today, YAY! If the above child is any indication, the tots were simply thrilled to be in the First Lady's charismatic presence.

Later she got to experience the thrill of perhaps the cutsiest post-disaster marketing campaign ever: the adorably alliterative Katrina Cottages:

U.S. first lady Laura Bush (L) talks with Mayor Connie Moran during a tour of Katrina Cottages - small-scale, quickly-built homes designed after Hurricane Katrina - in Ocean Springs, Mississippi February 22, 2007. REUTERS/Lee Celano (UNITED STATES)

I'm guessing that Laura couldn't help but think, as she was perusing the teensy, gaily-painted sheds, "I have GOT to get one of those for Barney and Miss Beazley."

*I can't believe it took me two years of blogging to finally invent that word.