Monday, November 10, 2014

Tea Party Surrealism?


It's been a while since I've written for Wonkette, but I'm back asking the important questions: What if Joni Ernst were more like Max Ernst? Find out here.

UPDATE: BONUS GAG which I thought of in the shower this morning and then couldn't remember until twelve hours later:

  • June, 2019: Joni proposes swapping out the traditional GOP elephant logo for a minotaur.

Thursday, November 06, 2014

Tuesday, November 04, 2014

Ursula Plassnik Spotted!

(Photo: Die Standard)

FRESH! That's our beloved affable giantess just today at some thingy about how there should be more female politicians.

That's great (maybe not Joni Ernst, though)! But I mostly just think there should be more Ursula Plassnik.

Who Is The Next Sparkle Pony Superstar? Plus: Metablogging!


I wanted the Nauga to look like Nancy Reagan in those old photos from the 80s. Did I get the "worshipful gaze" right?

It should be obvious by now that Joni Ernst, who comes across as a barely intelligible found-object joke House candidate will, in fact, be the next SENATOR from Iowa.

Senator.

So we're going to have SUPERCRAZY Joni for six whole years. I have a feeling she is going to be very, very entertaining. 

Now for the metablogging!

Sorry I haven't been posting much here lately. It's just a phase, honestly.

But if you simply aren't getting enough Pink Pony in your life, please do follow me on Twitter, because a lot of things in the past which would have been "hit and run" posts here are exactly the type of items that end up being tweets now instead. So "news photo with humorous sentence" posts are far more likely to end up there rather than here.

But Joni... oh, Joni! Those gigantic teeth show promise. Also: that wedge hairdo will make Photoshopping a dead cinch.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Puppies To The Rescue?



Michael Steele's "I do SO love puppies" ad ran eight years ago when he was trying to become Maryland's next senator. The ads were widely praised as "highly effective" even after Steele lost "by a landslide" to "a complete nobody".

But, hey, eight years? That's long enough. Now it's Republican Martha McSally of Arizona's turn to use the puppy idea.

Congratulations go out to Ron Barber, her opponent.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Callista Gingrich's American Exceptionalist Elephant Friend Is, Of Course, Made In China


So about that dumpy, vaguely unsettling elephant costume some poor Callistastaffer has to wear, trailing after her like a mute testimony to American Exceptionalism? How was it formed?

Probably by tiny little hands.

The costume was made by Pole Star International, which makes it likely that Ellis's birthplace was No 8, the North Street of Chen Tian, Baiyun Zone, Guangzhou. GuangDong, China.

Nǐ hǎo, Ellis!

Callista Gingrich Forces Her Hairdressers, Probably At Gunpoint, To Leave Positive Reviews On Amazon

(10-18-14, via the Goddess Callista's Instathing.)

How many more trips to the well can our Beloved Moon Goddess make? Once again, we have a new soft-core patriotism adventure with our favorite twee time-traveling elephant. This time it's Lewis and Clark.

And just as before, I'm wondering who is buying these books?  Let's take a look. Amazon currently has 26 reviews, and just as before, most of these books are being bought for other people's children:

  • Ellis is such a delight, as my nieces read along
  • I look forward to sharing his newest adventures with my nieces and nephews!
  • Perfect birthday gift for our great grandson to encourage patriotism in our young.
  • Great educational gift for my younger cousin!
  • I gave this book as a gift to my niece and she loved it
  • We have loved the series and look forward to more treasured memories sharing this book with our grandchildren.
  • I have gifted these books to our little private elementary school.
  • Our grandchildren love these books & we have donated the 1st 3 books to a local school library.
  • It has been a favorite gift to my grandkids and friends' kids.

So, basically the book is being used as an "American Exceptionalism"  proselytizing tool, as intended.

But what's this? A lot of these reviews are by people who seem to have signed up specifically to give Callista's book a five-star rave.

And, again, I ask: who are these people?

Well, they are her beauticians, for instance.

I spotted one review written by an oddly named person, Wioleta Frackiewicz, and thought, "That's easy to Google." It turns out she's the "Manager/Esthetician at Sugar House Day Spa and Salon" in Alexandria. Finding that led me to noticing that there was another five-star review of Callista's book by a user named "sugar house". What an amazing coincidence!

The next question I asked to myself was, of course, "I wonder where Callista gets her hair done?" For that I turned to the New Yorker:

“Where do you get your hair done?” a red-haired woman asked as she got her book signed.

“At Sugar House in Old Town,” Mrs. Gingrich said quietly, referring to a salon in Alexandria. (Her stylist, Tatjana Belajic, told me she has yet to get a request for “the Callista,” though that would surely change if Mrs. Gingrich became First Lady.)

Another incredible coincidence! 

Another reviewer, Carmen Omiste, is also a hairdresser in Alexandria!

Five-star reviewer Sonya Harrison is not a hairdresser, and she does not manage a day spa, but my goodness, there's a LOT of Gingrich in her LinkedIn profile.

Five-star reviewer Rick Story may be the same Rick Story who worked on Newt's staff alongside... Callista!

So I feel like I've finally answered that nagging "Who is reading Callista's boring books?" question: ancient people who are worried about their nieces, nephews and grandchildren, people who work for the Gingriches, and people who work for the Gingriches' hairdressers.

Oh, and supposedly actual children, too.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Audioblogging: Lemon Fresh Pinetones Play In The Dark, 1988


Oh, sorry! Forgot I had a blog for a bit. Ha.

Anyway, picking up from where I left off with the audioblogging, here's another of the handful of live recordings by my "garage space prog" hand, the Lemon-Fresh Pinetones!

This was a very interesting show! We wanted to play, but since my musical endeavors had become notorious in San Diego, it was hard to find a venue. Our solution was to reserve one of the video production rooms at UCSD and invite a select audience to hear us.

Being an improvisational band has its drawbacks, as you can imagine. My previous bands and solo performances had all been tightly planned and formatted, so playing with the Pinetones was always somewhat terrifying, because there was always that chance that nothing would happen, that the three of us would simply fail to musically connect.

Indeed, every Pinetones performance has moments where this happens, where things just fall apart. In the case of this performance, the falling apart happened right at the very beginning (these parts are not included here). Mortified, we knew nothing good was happening, and our small audience was obviously disappointed. What were we going to do? Just stop, apologize, and call it a night?

Luckily, one of us (I can't remember who) suddenly came up with an idea: turn out all the lights, and see if complete darkness would prove to be an inspiration.

It worked, as I like to think the ensuing 30-minute recording uploaded here demonstrates. It still got off to a shaky start, but then it gets better and better, and finally at about the 19:30 mark, it really gets cooking and, from that point on, unexpectedly became our best ever collaboration.

Instrumentally, it was a simple setup: John had two synthesizers, Joel had his electric guitar, which was run through "The Fourth Pinetone," the mysterious effects box covered with unlabeled buttons and knobs. I used a Casio sampler and two cassette machines.

The recording quality is surprisingly high (with a few typical cassette issues), and the sound is interesting. John alternated between baroque harpsichord-type runs and noisier wooshes and layers of non-melodic noise. His interplay with Joel's guitar becomes increasingly complex and responsive. I mainly provided rhythm in the form of loops, samples, and keyboard "drumming." At this point, too, Joel and I were interested in exploiting "glitches," so there's a lot of line noise and machine hum used as texture as well.

Overall, I think this is a really credible piece of improv prog. It has peaks and valleys, numerous changes, and some nice lyrical and  rhythmic sections alternating with noisier/spacier bits.

It ain't no Phish, that's for sure. We may have been a "jam band," and we may have been "trippy," but we were never mellow.

The 200mb single 30-minute track is zipped up with artwork and available to download here.