McCain Family Values

Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., heads for the Senate floor for cloture votes on Capitol Hill in Washington, Thursday, Dec. 9, 2010. (AP Photo/Harry Hamburg)

There's John McCain! Doesn't he look happy? He's happy because he is on his way to filibuster the end of NHIM (No Hairdressers in the Military)! How pleased it makes him! Yay! Meanwhile:

and

Hey, Meghan and Cindy! Instead of getting your pictures taken by a famous photographer and calling it "activism," why not do something constructive to end "H8" against the homos, like maybe pulling your husband/father's head out of his ass? Just a thought.

Or maybe that's what the tape across the mouth means: we won't say anything.

Sanity Restored?

Click for bigger.

I took the photo above on Friday, but then totally forgot to post it. Whoops! I didn't attend the rally on Saturday because I'm on The Mall Monday through Friday, so why would I want to do that?

I kinda liked this guy's clown car, partly because it's just funny, but also because, you know, mixed message city! What are we to learn from this display (the sign says "Restore Sanity? We're Dummies!")? Well, that Joe Biden masks are apparently unavailable, for one. I love that McCain is wearing a totally gay sweater!

Fisting 4 Brewer

Supporters of Gov. Jan Brewer, from left, Kelli Freeman, Jessica Smith and Mary Murphy pose as World War II icon "Rosie the Riveter" during a rally for Republican Congressional candidate Ben Quayle, at Quayle's campaign headquarters Saturday, Oct. 30, 2010, in Phoenix. (AP Photo/Paul Connors)

Oh, I just thought I'd start your Monday off with this terrifying image of triplet Rosies pumping their biceps (?) for Jan Brewer. And Jan will certainly be elected (technically not "re-elected") tomorrow, much to Sparklemom's and Sparkledad's dismay. Here's Jan cruelly mocking John McCain by doing something he can't do, waving her arms in the air like she just doesn't care (also AP Photo, 10/30):

What's funny (besides an old lady waiving her arms in the air) is that all of the above took place at a Ben Quayle event, because Jan's got her election so locked up that she doesn't even have to campaign for herself. Must be nice! And look at John! Is he shimmying? How adorable. What set this off?

Speaking of Dan, I mean Ben Quayle, there's this looooonnnnng thing in the Washington Post this morning about his campaign, because they just finally noticed it, and it's five pages long (web pages, but still), and it contains absolutely no content whatsoever.  It's basically a rehash of the whole "Dirty Scottsdale" website scandelette, but contains zero analysis and no conclusions, leading one to wonder why they bothered. The article is so "He Said/She Said" that they even title one of the sections just that, in case you hadn't already noticed. Well done, Post!

Seems About Right

Photo via John McCain's Twitter.

This Is Arizona: Piñata Factory

Photos by A.C. Huestis. Click for bigger!

I wonder if the McCain campaign is still distributing the sign shown above? I'm guessing a quickie redesign was in order.

EDIT: I'm surprised I didn't realize this earlier, but the McCain sign above appears to have been customized with the "Drill, Baby, Drill" slogan. Neat!

Michael Gerson's Arizona Metaphors Need Some Work

Though the Gila monster is venomous, its sluggish nature means that it represents little threat to humans.

As a former Arizonan, naturally I'm interested in the big McCain vs. Hayworth match. So much to dislike on both sides! Michael Gerson, in this morning's Washington Post, tried in a cutesy way to make the whole mess Arizona-relevant by roping in the local wildlife:

When Arizona's bitter Republican primary election arrives in August, it is likely to be 102 degrees in the shade, of which there is little. It is the kind of weather in which only the hearty and highly motivated venture outdoors -- Gila monsters and Tea Party activists. Which may not be good news for Sen. John McCain, who is generally disliked by the latter.

Just one thing, though, Michael: Gila monsters are mainly nocturnal. Whatever.

The rest of the Op-Ed is funny, because Gerson tries to paint Hayworth with the broadest, most horrible brush possible, while McCain... well, see if this sounds like our Walnuts to you:

At his best, McCain is precisely what a senator should be -- independent, passionate, unawed by power, unmoved by influence. He has quickened national debates on torture, the environment, immigration, military strategy in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the budget process.

Ha ha ha! OK, now THAT is hilarious.

And in other Arizona news, yes, the draconian new immigration legislation just passed, which more or less requires cops to constantly harass brown people because they don't get to do it enough already. Of course, it's all about checking immigration status, nothing more. My mother is still a Canadian citizen; think she'll get "carded" constantly? Think she'll get pulled over every time she drives? Of course not, because the whole entire point of this new law is to make Mexicans, specifically, leave the state, whether they're here legally or otherwise. This should have an interesting impact on the state's economy.

Oh, Arizona, take off your rainbow shades... and crush them into the dirt with the heel of your Tony Lama boots.

George Will Woke Up In The Middle Of Writing A Column About Arizona Politics

George Will's latest column in the Washington Post is so strange! It turns out that John McCain, who you may have heard of, is trying to get elected as senator again. He has Sarah Palin on his side. But! McCain has a challenger, J.D. Hayworth, who is an outspoken radio host and has Joe Arpaio on his side.

And then... well, no, that's it. That's the whole column. I kept searching in vain for the missing "continue to page two" button but it was nowhere to be found. It's like an introduction for an analysis which never arrives: punditry interruptus!

Will apparently just found out about McCain running for reelection and thought he'd share this information with Washington Post readers.

Thanks, George.

Cross-Eyed and Painless

Oh, god, I know, I know... I shouldn't pay any attention to Meghan McCain, and I shouldn't pay attention to Twitter, and I shouldn't use song titles for post headlines. Sue me.

But I just thought you should see the caricature Megs is using as the background for her Twitter page. It's hard for me to believe that she thinks this 1. is flattering or 2. doesn't make her look like she's got an extra chromosome or 3. even looks like her. I'm going to have nightmares about those hands.

Is she really as shallow and low-wattage as she seems? Signs increasingly point to YES.

Quickie: Meghan McCain Still Droning On and On

I don't think there's much more to say about Megs, but Gawker summed it up perfectly this morning:

We wanted to like her. But as we've become more and more exposed to her with the passage of time we've come to find her, well, pretty fucking grating, intolerably insufferable, the complete and total embodiment of everything wrong with a whiny-ass generation of privilege that wants, no expects, everything to just fall right into their precious little laps without having to do shit to earn whatever it is they desire.

So Meghan's out there calling bitches out in her Daily Beast column, painfully attempting to enter into the punditry, signing "high six figure" book deals, dropping F-bombs on Twitter, and acting like a cunt-y diva at gala events, all on the back of her father's name. So what's the deal with Meghan McCain? What is it that she's angling for here. Does she truly hope to become a "voice" for a new generation of progressive Republicans, a genuine agent of change, or is she just another fame-whore high on life in the public eye.

Missing question marks aside, these are all questions with obvious answers.

Quickie: John McCain is the Standard of Uncool

Last Tuesday on PSP:

Enough. Please. Stop. Once John McCain started fake-Twittering, it was beyond –way beyond– over.

Yesterday on Andrew Sullivan:

My sense is that [Twitter] jumped the shark the minute John McCain started tweeting about beavers.

The experts agree!

ACTUAL Winner of 2008 Presidential Election Revealed

The Observer reports:

John McCain's 24-year-old daughter Meghan has a book deal! Sources say Hyperion has prevailed over at least three other publishers in an auction that began earlier this week, following a round of meetings during which the in-your-face young conservative and the literary agent she shares with her father, Sterling Lord Literistic president Flip Brophy, discussed a number of possible approaches to the book with editors around town.

Several sources said the advance Ms. McCain will receive from Hyperion, which is owned by the Disney Company, is in the high six figures.

While we haven’t quite nailed down what Ms. McCain’s book will be about—no one at Hyperion nor Ms. Brophy returned calls this afternoon—if her recent columns for Tina Brown and Barry Diller's Web site The Daily Beast are any indication, it will probably have something to do with the future of the Republican party, and how it must change to attract the votes of modern young people.

Jim Newell translates:

Her daddy literally called his friend “Flip” at an agency called “Sterling Lord Literistic” to demand that he make his daughter more richer with an imaginary book about nothing.

I can't help but wonder if the money to pay the person who actually writes the book comes from Meggie's advance, or if Hyperion foots the bill for that, too.

Well done, Megs! It's nice to see a cute, rich, not-particularly-bright girl catch a break for once!

Also: PLEASE HAVE MOM WRITE THE FOREWORD, OK?

Meghan McCain is Now Everywhere at Once, Forever and Ever. She Will Interpret Your Dreams, Fix the Economy, Change the Oil in Your Car, Etc., Etc.

Talk about wants to help but isn't needed. Meghan McCain is actually OK by me: likable, charming, engaging, and so on. It's nice that she's kinda preaching this unholy idea of "progressive conservatism," which is just hilarious as soon as you say it out loud. Try it! See what I mean? But Megs is adorable. She's one of those "squinky" girls I wrote about last year. Perky!

But anway, ENOUGH! Too much Meghan! Yes, she's darling, but let's face it, her thoughts on politics rarely plumb depths greater than "I just think we shouldn't be mean to each other." Power Player?? CNN, are you kidding? I seem to remember just a few weeks ago some otherwise serious journalist was asking Megs about Obama's stimulus plan, and I was totally all, like, OMG, why would you ask her about that? What kind of useful response are you seeking? And yet people keep putting her on TV and asking her questions about the most ridiculous stuff! Like she has anything to do with anything! It's like seeing Luci Johnson discussing disarmament or Chip Carter appearing on Meet the Press. Or, as Slate delightfully puts it, "Anyway, here's a clip of McCain on Larry King last night, talking about the Republican Party's lack of leadership and her support for gay marriage while wearing a giant hair bow."

It was totally cute when she was doing her blog, but WTF? Why is she everywhere?

UPDATE: Kathleen Parker tackles the same question in Wednesday's Washington Post, arrives at similar conclusions:

'Tis a fact that McCain has suddenly surged as a popular talk show guest. This happens when one says something provocative in a town where 400 producers are trying to plug 10,000 talking-head spots.

Here's How Boring This Blog Would Have Been if Bobby Jindal Had Been Stupid Enough to Accept McCain's Offer:

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal and his wife, Supriya, attend the 2008 Republican Governors Association meeting in Miami, Fla., Wednesday, Nov. 12, 2008. GOP governors from across the country gathered in Miami for their annual conference. (AP Photo John Watson-Riley)

Bobby wore a red tie again today. God, don't you hate red ties? If you're like me, you've had it up to here with Bobby's red ties. I bet the RNC spent, like, $20, maybe even up to $40 for that tie. And Supriya, who is neither incongruously attractive nor amusingly ugly, wore another one of her tasteful, unremarkable conservative suits. I have to go kill myself right now.

See? SEE? Do you see how bad it could have been? Thanks again, Bill Kristol, for the wonderful gift of Sarah Palin. And, of course, to Bobby Jindal, a man who knows a bad deal when he sees one.

Obsolete

Haw, wheee! Did any of you troll around the GOP interwebs and snicker like I did? Fun! Also: scary! But, you know, looking at places like Free Republic, that hilarious parody that almost seems real, is just too easy. For my money, this analysis of why McCain lost, by dunderheaded Jennifer Rubin at Pajamas Media, is the best, because she got everything so totally, hilariously wrong that you will just laugh and laugh for the rest of the day. Soooo good!

And it all seems so obvious, doesn't it? McCain lost because he ran a dirty campaign which repelled people, picked a running mate with the personality of a pair of pliers and the brains to match, betrayed his hopeless ignorance of economic matters by saying "the fundamentals of the economy are strong," and "engergized" his party's ignorant base while the GOP intelligentsia (such as it is) fled in terror. But that's not what Jennifer thinks! No, she thinks he didn't run a dirty enough campaign (this constitutes more than half of her reasons), didn't let Sarah talk more, and didn't articulate his economic expertise enough! I'm surprised she didn't chastise him for not spending more on Sarah's clothes, makeup and hair.

So, duh, we totally, totally don't have to worry about the midterm elections, like, at all. Phew!

The Penultimate Indignity

Wheee! Some hacker did a funny on the McCain/Palin interweb site.

9 out of 11 Peruvian Shamans Agree: Obama will Win! So Stop Whining, Already.

Peruvian shamans perform a ritual with photos of US Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., bottom left, and Republican presidential candidate Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., to send good vibes to their favorite candidate on La Herradura Beach in Lima, Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2008. Nine of the 11 faith-healers from the Apus-Inka healers' association said they foresee Obama winning the election.(AP Photo/Martin Mejia)

Three of my coworkers independently approached me today, wringing their hands, agitated 'n' such, about being worried that McCain is somehow going to be our next president. Each time their reasons were vague but the same: I saw this poll, that poll, race tightening, etc., etc. It was kinda cute but got old real fast. I pointed them all to fivethirtyeight.com, explained to them about, you know, how the electoral college works and that the state polls were more important and totally in the tank for Obama. I pointed them to this article, for instance, so that they would calm down.

But, hey! Now I really know how to ease their fears, because the shamans have spoken and, you know, that's that.

Here's another photo from AP's set, because it's hard to imagine getting any cooler an election-related shot than this:

Touching Campaign Moments Captured with What Would Be, to McCain, New-Fangled Technology

Clever blogger Alli has gone and done a magical thing: rendering memorable campaign moments with the magic of Etch-a-Sketch. So good! I just know you'll laugh, cry, stand up and cheer, etc. My favorite one, obvs, is above.

Hair Club for Men

Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., speaks at a rally at James Madison University Convocation Center in Harrisonburg, Va., Tuesday, Oct. 28, 2008. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Anne Schroeder at Politico made a good catch (finally)! It's a list of grooming suggestions for all the boys in the current election cycle from one of those elitist DC salons for mens, and there are some good ones. Usually this blog is all about the gals, so this is a welcome relief.

For one thing, I totally agree that Obama's gray has absolutely GOT to go once he's elected and no longer needs to look "distinguished." Will it happen? Stay tuned. On the other hand, their suggestion that he should make himself look smarter by wearing glasses is simply retarded. Can you imagine the reaction if he suddenly started sporting frames? Please. So phony.

Biden doesn't get a good report, not surprisingly. They suggest skipping the ties (as he's been doing lately, see below) or at least updating them to recent decades. And his hair? Well... gosh. They actually let him off easy by not mentioning the transplants, but point out that there's simply too much of it. Personally, the beauty tip I would give to Biden, a perfectly good-looking guy, is to do less of this:

Democratic vice presidential candidate, Sen. Joe Biden, D-Del., speaks a rally at the Dancing Horse Farm in Ocala, Fla., Tues., Oct. 28, 2008. (AP Photo/Phil Sandlin)

But hey, he's not wearing a tie, so baby steps, people!

Todd Palin is mentioned for some reason; they want him to take off the goatee, and, well... I'm sorry, but I think facial hair on men should be compulsory, so I'm not going to get behind that. They also finger him (Whoops! Sorry.) as a hair product abuser.

And, of course, Walnuts. They recommend fake tan (ew), loosing the hair-swirl and, most hilariously, taming his "eyebrows of mass destruction." I would like to add that this look doesn't work well for him:

Wheeee! ANY excuse to use that picture is a good excuse.

Anyway! It's fun! Here's the PDF.

McCain and Palin Deploy Cuddles 'n' Hugs to Dispel Infighting Rumors

Republican presidential candidate Arizona Senator John McCain and his vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin hug after Palin introduced McCain, at a campaign rally at Giant Center in Hershey, Pennsylvania. McCain and Palin gave a show of unity on the campaign trail Tuesday, appearing together for the first time since reports of infighting within the Republican camp. (AFP/Robyn Beck)

Awwww! Conspicuous hugs! So cute 'n' sincere 'n' stuff! Yay! I'm fully convinced.

It wasn't a good day for Sarah, though, as the McCain campaign thrust her pretty much into the center of their patented Circular Firing Squad™. Politico quoted one of McCain's aides (off the record, natch) calling her a "whack job," and GQ, of all places, recorded this hilarious reveal:

They’ve held their tongue from leaking what a couple of McCain higher-ups have told me—namely, that Palin simply knew nothing about national and international issues. Which meant, as one such adviser said to me: “Letting Sarah be Sarah may not be such a good thing.”

NO! Let Sarah be Sarah some more, please!

Somebody Could Use Some Spinach Right About Now

Pony Pal Mr. Dork, Esq., got all inspired and Photoshoppy by yesterday's Scary McCain Picture of the Day, and as you can see, the results are delightful. Does this make Sarah ILOVE Oyl?