A secret PSP legal operative sent this along last evening. At first glance, it's a fairly routine court opinion concerning an assault case which itself would be totally routine but for the weapon:
The victim tried to defend herself by pushing and kicking Padilla. She also attempted to reach for the phone, but Padilla hit her on the head with a Baby Jesus statue that was by her bed.
Ha ha! More:
In this case, the State alleged that the deadly weapon was a statue of Baby Jesus. We must determine if there is sufficient evidence to show that Padilla used or intended to use the statue in such a way that it was capable of causing death or serious bodily injury.
Well? Was the Christ Child up to the task?
Trial testimony revealed that the statue had blood on both the inside and outside.
Neat! OK, so anyway, yes, assault with a deadly juvenile deity:
Applying the applicable standards of review, we find that the evidence is legally and factually sufficient to show that Padilla committed aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. It is undisputed that Padilla injured the victim, that a statue was broken during their struggle, and that this statue had blood on it and in it when the police arrived.
There's a really funny joke in there somewhere, but the metaphors are just too complex. A little help?