What Would Condi Do? The Secretary of State's Shoes, Hairdos, and Fabulous Fashions, Part Three, 2007

The magical gust of wind, AP Photo, 01-17-07

2007 was a year when Condi appeared busier than ever (while accomplishing nothing), but the bloom was off the rose. Journalists like Glenn Kessler and Elizabeth Bumiller now were regularly reporting the more embarrassing aspects of Condi's career, and some began to wonder if maybe the airheaded, photo-op-obsessed shopaholic portrayed on this blog and Wonkette* (PSP alone became too small to contain all my Condi musings) wasn't the real Condi, after all. In response, Condi got a little more insulated, a little less fun, but full of surprises nonetheless. The highlights from year three:

• 01-03: Condi likes tiny yet perfectly-formed Rummy replacement much better.
• 01-05: She gets her Negroponte back.
• 01-11: Robert Novak reports that all the Republicans hate Condi.
• 01-17: Gust of wind produces best Condipic ever.
• 01-22: Hugo Chavez calls Dr. Ferragamo "Missy."
• 01-29: Condi Couture is introduced to a startled world:

• 02-03: PSP mentioned in otherwise serious article by Helene Cooper in NY Times.
• 02-05: Condi meets Don Cheadle.
• 02-06: Sparklemom points out that, unlike Nancy Pelosi, Condi simply does not know how to sit.
• 02-12: Condi 'n' Hadley: awkwarder and awkwarder.
• 02-12: Condi celebrates African American Heritage Month by praising George Bush.
• 02-15: Hugo Chavez has a valentine for Condi.
• 02-19: Condi embarks on her photo-oppiest trip to the Middle East ever.
• 03-05: The Condibot passes the adorable bear-king test.
• 03-10: Colombian surveillance video proves that Condi can't dance.
• 03-21: Reuters' Condi upskirt competition: the quest continues.
• 03-22: Condi has a four-photo-op Thursday.
• 03-27: Please keep back from the SoS:

• 04-04: Condibot malfunctions in public, fails to perform The Madison.
• 04-10: Oh, wait, no, THIS is the Condi photo of the year.
• 04-12: McCain hits the matching armchairs, ground zero for Condi Veep Rumors™.
• 04-26: PSP defends hairdo journalism.
• 05-02: PSP defends hairdo journalism.
• 05-03: Mysterious thief with "I love Condi" button strikes.
• 05-21: Condi visits Crawford, wears horrible Chanel sunglasses, wanders into a cactus patch.
• 05-23: Condi enlisted as walker for Nancy Reagan.
• 05-24: In her most pointless, puzzling photo-op ever, Condi rides shotgun in a prototype Tesla:

• 05-30: A shared taste in awful suits for Condi and the French foreign minister.
• 06-01: Destiny fulfilled as Dr. Ferragamo meets Mr. Zapatero.
• 06-05: Condi's South-of-the-Border diplomacy explained with hand turkeys.
• 06-08: Condi makes ASL sign for "lesbian" during AP interview.
• 07-06: Units mobilized to assist Condi playing golf.
• 07-31: PSP plays Spot the Kleenex™:

• 08-02: Condistaff drops expensive satellite dish from hotel rooftop.
• 08-13: Condi deploys Cal Ripken.
• 08-22: Forbes declares Condi Washington's "Most Eligible Bachelorette."
• 08-29: Glenn Kessler on Condi's reaction to having a quarter bounced off her butt: "She was flattered and proud."
• 09-06: Terrorists prevent Condi from playing golf in Australia.
• 09-11: 9-11 anniversary spurs memories of Condi hairdos past.
• 09-14: Meet Mrs. Condi.
• 09-20: PSP gives Condi a Papal makeover.
• 09-24: Howard Kurtz reveals that Condi is blacklisted from the Sunday shows because she's used up all her talking points.

Not the hair! Not the hair!

• 10-01: Associated Press issues correction for misspelling Condoleezza.
• 10-03: How does George keep Condi in line? Casual insults.
• 10-05: Concerned she isn't photographed enough, Dr. Ferragamo hires staff Condirazzi.
• 10-16: Condi's Red Dress of Grievances scandal breaks in the UK.
• 10-24: Red hands lady gets all up in Condi's grill (see above).
• 10-31: Condi loses BFF Karen "Kick-Ass" Hughes.
• 11-01: Turkish children use Condi as a dartboard:

• 11-03: Distinguished scholar of diplomacy refers to Condi as "Dr. Ferragamo."
• 11-05: Condi Roundup debuts on Wonkette.
• 11-12: Israelis coin the term "Lecondel," which means "To do like Condi," which means "To run around arranging a bunch of meetings which don't accomplish anything."
• 11-15: PSP provides visualization of Condi's telephone diplomacy.
• 11-16: Condoleezza Hairdo Alert System bumped momentarily for softer, spherical style.
• 11-26: The Matching Armchairs Photo-Op completely deconstructed.
• 11-26: NY Times publishes meanest Condi caricature yet.
• 11-27: Adorable cartoon Condi scorpion (see below) debuts in Jordan.
• 11-27: Condi's big party in Annapolis, her greatest accomplishment, happens, fails.

• 12-02: Condi hangs out with drunk driver, insane boy band alumnus, at Kennedy Center.
• 12-03: We learn that Condi found out about Hamas winning the elections while Condicising.
• 12-05: Condi snarls her way through the worst trip to Africa ever.
• 12-05: The Guardian publishes what is officially the meanest article about Dr. Ferragamo.
• 12-12: Yearly AP interview shows horrible toll on Condi.
• 12-13: Washington Post instructs readers to bake Condi Christmas cookies (see below).
• 12-17: Modest proposals given for redesigning Elizabeth Bumiller's Condiography.
• 12-18: Condi's WASPiness confirmed as she is spotted shopping for St. John Knits.
• 12-24: Condi's response to criticism: "Gee."

Stay tuned for the last installment!

*Note: several pictures in Wonkette's archives seem to have not survived their move from Gawker's servers. This is unfortunate.

Here's 2005, 2006, 2008/9.

Everybody at the State Department Had a Great Time Saying Goodbye to Condi!

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (C) waves and bids farewell to a lobby filled with employees after her last scheduled work day at the State Department in Washington, January 16, 2009. REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst (UNITED STATES)

This is it! Condi's last day! And so she walked around the lobby for a little bit and everybody came out of their offices to clap and wave goodbye! Yay! And, of course, there were cuddles 'n' hugs, Condi's favorites:

(Reuters)

A dramatic aerial view shows one of the many reasons why it's so great that she wore red on her last day:

(Reuters)

And more cuddles 'n' hugs:

(AP)

And then, to top it all off, as her last final work-related photo-op, she did a "sign the documents" thing with her lesbian lover Tzipi Livni:

(Reuters)

More cuddles 'n' hugs:

(Reuters)

The end!

Condi Sees Her Legacy Sailing Off into the Sunset Without Her

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (L) and Israel's Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni hold a joint news conference at the residence of the U.S. ambassador to Israel in Herzliya, near Tel Aviv November 6, 2008. The White House acknowledged for the first time on Thursday that Israel and the Palestinians were unlikely to reach a peace deal before President George W. Bush leaves office in January. Rice, beginning a four-day visit to the Middle East, said Israel's decision to call a parliamentary election, scheduled for Feb. 10, had created a "different situation" that made it "very difficult" to come to an agreement. REUTERS/Pavel Wolberg/Pool (ISRAEL)

OK, so that caption is really funny, as is this article, for instance. "Rice admits Middle East deal this year is unlikely," says the headline, so you'd think that she came right out and said that in coherent sentences. But you'd be so, so wrong! She talked to her traveling companions on her magic airplane on the way over, and then gave a presser with her lesbian lover, Tzipi, afterward, and OMG, so funny! Here's a sampling of the reporters' questions, and you can just hear them getting increasingly exasperated with Condi's nonsensical non-answers:

• When might those circumstances permit? You’re talking about after the Israeli election or after – so it’s done and the end of year goal is finished?
• But you seem to recognize that there won’t be any agreement. Does it mean that you would be ready to offer a document or to prepare something, kind of frame – role – framework that the parties would use in the next – in the future?
• Just to ask the question in a very bald way: Both the parties, at very senior levels, have said an agreement is not possible this year. Do you concur?
• You said it was going to be important at some point to wrap all this together. How do you envisage that?
• You talked to – a moment ago about sort of stating the obvious. Why are you reluctant to just state the obvious, that the end of the year simply isn’t possible?

And a typical Condi response:

Now you say, is this the end of the process, or someone asked is it the end of the process for me. As I said, I’ve learned not to predict. And I expect to be continuing to work on this with the parties until the day that we leave. But the important thing is to make certain that there is a recognition of the substantial progress that they have made, a recognition of the commitment that these parties have made to concluding the work of Annapolis, and a solid international foundation of support for what they’ve tried to do and what they’re going to continue to try to do.

Um, OK! Whatever you say, Condi! You've got to hand it to her, though, for coming up with so many ways to vaguely, meaninglessly imply the same thing, none of which were anywhere near as clear as "Rice admits Middle East deal this year is unlikely." Kudos to The Independent's crack team of translators!

And of course the reporters couldn't resist asking about Obama and trying to goad Condi into saying whether or not she was sad McCain lost, but she wasn't having any of it. One enterprising reporter, though, found a way to combine Obamamania and Condi's peace failures into one compact, super-meanypants query which may be the single cruelest question she's ever gotten:

Madame Secretary, do you think that your service as Secretary of State, one of the highest jobs in the United States, as Secretary Powell’s job, was one of the elements that led to a change of hearts in the American people and led to the election of Barak Obama as the first African American president? And what you will recommend him to do? You know that he is for engagement. Will you recommend him to engage on the Syrian track or to neglect it totally, ignore it, as you did?

In other words, "Are you going to give the new SOS advice on how not to suck like you?" OMG, so mean! Condi did not answer the question.

Triple Header

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, left, talks with National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley, right, as Deputy National Security Adviser for Regional Affairs Judith Ansley, center, looks on during President Bush's meeting with Poland's Prime Minister Donald Tusk, Monday, March 10, 2008, in the Oval Office of the White House in Washington. (AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)

Wow, it was a busy Monday in Condiland, a big triple photo-op extravaganza! It started off with one of the Standing Around in the White House and Not Knowing What to Do with Our Hands routine. And look! Condi is obviously conferring with her spherical, invisible friend! We haven't seen it in a while! Yay! But ew, Stephen Hadley, ew, ew, ew!

But it gets better, because now it's guest stars! Hooray! And it's none other than frolicsome Tzipi, Condi's erstwhile sapphic lover:

(AP)

Folks, I find this body language to be highly ambiguous. Are they blocking each other? Reaching out towards each other? Are they hurting inside but too proud to beg? Oh Condi 'n' Tzipi, you can work it out!

But if it doesn't work out, well... well, that brings us to our third fabulous photo-op of the day. Condi imported a whole harem and that'll show that Tzipi!

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, center, and Andrea Bottner, senior coordinator, Office of International Women's Issues, left, pose with recipients of the 2nd Annual International Women of Courage Awards at the State Department, Monday, March 10, 2008, in Washington. From left are, Bottner; Virisila Buadromo of Fiji; Valdete Idrizi of Kosovo; Farhiyo Farah Ibrahim of Somalia; Rice; Nibal Thawabteh of Palestine; and Dr. Eaman Al-Gobory of Iraq. (AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta)

Hey, I won't knock it. And it's such a cute idea to have Condi there for contrast amongst these remarkable women with their peaceful achievements. It's kinda like that great Sesame Street song One of these things is not like the other in real life! Kinda!

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Israel's Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni hold a joint news conference in Jerusalem March 5, 2008. (Jim Hollander/Pool/Reuters)

Aw, it looks like Condi and Tzipi aren't as much fun together as they used to be. Maybe their lesbian affair didn't work out?

And ugh, that lavender pant suit is just so ick.

So... Anything Interesting Happen Today?

Quartet Middle East Envoy Tony Blair, Palestinian Prime Minister Salam Fayyad, U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Israel's Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni and U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon (L-R) converse at the Israel-Palestinian Peace Conference at the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis, November 27, 2007. REUTERS/Jim Young (UNITED STATES)

It turns out that, no, not really! The participants were outnumbered by handlers and photographers. They sat at a round table. There were, like, a billion helicopters everywhere. And the participants sat and... chatted! They had totally unsubstantial conversations which could have taken place over the telephone, but telephone conversations, after all, make for poor photo-ops. This was basically a meeting to discuss having more meetings, and anybody who works in an office environment knows what that's like.

Oh! I almost forgot the important part: Condi's hair! Well, it still seems kinda unstable at the moment, so I'm not lowering the Condoleezza Hairdo Alert System level until I'm sure that coiffure has settled down a little.

Request Line: Condi 'n' Tzipi!!!!

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (L) holds a joint news conference with Israel's Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni in Jerusalem August 1, 2007 in this
picture released by the U.S. Embassy. (Matty Stern/U.S. Embassy/Handout/Reuters)

This is only a hit 'n' run quicky, but the second I saw the above pic, I just knew I had to post it before the Tzipi fans filled up my inbox. I'll follow up on Condi's no-doubt magical day later.

UPDATE - Would you like some very strange, tortured body language with gnarled up hands? OK:

And last but not least, the Israelis may not provide adequate tissue resources, but they know how to do the matching armchairs thing:

US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice(L) meets Israeli Defence Minister Ehud Barak in Jerusalem. Rice called on the Middle East on Wednesday to seize the moment to jumpstart dormant peace talks as she sought to lay the groundwork for an international peace conference later this year.(AFP/POOL/Uriel Sinai)

Oooh... loving the panty hose, Condi!

Condi's Back to Basics, Plus Bonus False Hairdo Alert!

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (R) and Tzipi Livni, Israel's Deputy Prime Minister and Minister of Foreign Affairs, hold a joint news conference at the State Department in Washington March 14, 2007. (Jonathan Ernst/Reuters)

OK, so this is kind of a catch-up, but that's the Good Doctor Ferragamo yesterday performing a dueling podiums photo-op with Tzipi at the State Department. So nothing special, right? And today, predictably, was matching armchairs day, but say hello to a subtly yet noticeably altered hairdo:

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (R) greets Pham Gia Khiem, Vietnam's Deputy Prime Minister and Minister of Foreign Affairs, at the State Department in Washington March 15, 2007. REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst (UNITED STATES)

I'm hesitant to call this a "new" coiffure, but there's just enough intrigue here to raise the Condoleezza Hairdo Alert System™ to the "elevated" level. You know, just to be safe. Please adjust your plans for Friday accordingly.

Oh, and I'm sure she talked about tons of boring stuff with the Vietnam guy.

UPDATE! Sorry, false alarm. This was just posted minutes ago:

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Malta's Foreign Minister Michael Frendo shake hands after signing a bilateral Proliferation Security Initiative (PSI) shipboarding agreement at the State Department in Washington Thursday, March 15, 2007. (AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)

Let's Put On a Show

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Israel's Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni, right, speak to reporters prior to their meeting in Jerusalem, Saturday, Jan. 13, 2007. Rice launched her latest tour of the Mideast on Saturday with an effort to nudge Israel and the Palestinians closer to a political accommodation. (AP Photo/Ammar Awad,Pool)

The Condi 'n' Tzipi Show! I always love it when the camera "pulls back" a little, and we get to see just how artlessly some of these photo-ops are thrown together. Just duct-tape a tarp to the wall, bring in the flags and the Condibot, and Tzipi's ready to roll! Yay!

Ursula Dazzles Tzipi, Us

Austria's Foreign Minister Ursula Plassnik (L) and her Israeli counterpart Tzipi Livni attend a conference marking 50 years of diplomatic relations between the two countries, in Jerusalem December 3, 2006. REUTERS/Ronen Zvulun

The Israeli Foreign Minister proves what Pony Pals™ already know: when Ursula Plassnik is in the room, she just totally owns it, and all one can do is gaze at her in wonder. OMG, why can't we have our own diplomatic giantess? This "dueling podiums" shot is wonderful because it highlights the towering Austrian superstar's height as well as her famous scarf-wearing skills:

Oh, Ursula, please don't ever change. Don't you wish she would get together with Condi 'n' Tzipi for an old-fashioned slumber party, with giggles 'n' cuddles and hair-braiding and naughty secrets? I think we all know who would win that pillow fight.

¡Cuidado! ¡Piso Mojado!

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, left, and Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni proceed prior to their meeting in Jerusalem, Israel, Thursday, Oct. 5, 2006. (AP Photo/Ariel Schalit, Pool)

I mentioned last night that there were zillions of pics of Condi's trip to the Middle East, but they were all boring. Well, almost all. So what's going on here? Pre-podium calesthenics? Tzipi pointing out a noteworthy new Condishoe purchase? Condi reading her cheat sheet from somebody else's hand? Condibot startup routine? Or is it Middle Eastern socio-political concepts explained through interpretive dance? Heck, it wouldn't be the first time.

I don't understand it; is the Associated Press really this desperate for Condiproduct?

Condi Endures Particularly Impoverished Matching Armchairs Photo-Op

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice , right, meets with Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni, left, at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel in New York Monday, Sept. 18, 2006 REUTERS/Chip East

How much, I wonder, can be missing before you call the whole thing off? My guess is that a minimum of three elements must be available before the shot is cancelled, and here, indeed, we have the matching armchairs, the small, low table in-between, and the patterned carpet. But... well, a hotel lamp is a poor substitute for a fireplace and... what's that they've got in place of the floral arrangement? Is it a salad condiment tray? What the heck is going on here? I'm assuming that off camera on either side are some awful flag-substitutes, like maybe souvenir "flags of the world" sugar packets thrown on the floor or something.

Oh, Condi, you just can't catch a break from people from that part of the world, can you?

Photo-Op Roundup!

OMG, when I said "Condi's back!" I wasn't really prepared for the relentless barrage of posed photo-ops, dueling podiums and matching armchairs which followed. Let's catch up, OK? First up, France's Interior Minister:

France's Interior Minister Nicolas Sarkozy (L) meets with U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice at the State Department in Washington, September 12, 2006. REUTERS/Joshua Roberts

And, yes, that's immediately after Condi returned from her romantic getaway with Canadian Foreign Minister Peter MacKay, as documented on Tuesday. People, I think the fact that Condi didn't even change her outfit kinda puts the kibosh on the whole romantic speculation thing, don't you? (According to the NY Times and Pony Pal™ Lulu, all of Canada is positively atwitter about all this.) But anyway, don't you love the pose with the French guy? It's like they're saying, "You're stupid! No, you're stupid!" Silly diplomats! You're both right!

Next up is the President of South Korea:

South Korean President Roh Moo-hyun, right, greets Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during a meeting at the Blair House, Wednesday, Sept. 13, 2006, in Washington. Roh is in Washington Wednesday for meetings and sightseeing and is scheduled to meet with President Bush Thursday. (AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta)

Ah yes, meetings and sightseeing. And here he is with one of Washington's most popular visitor attractions: Condi! But notice that this isn't Condi's plush palace at the State Department, but some dump called the Blair House, so they've had to make up for the lack of a fireplace, standard to the matching armchairs photo-op, with a selection of lovely bowls! Works for me.

Next on La Rice's dance card was the Polish Prime Minister, and he was kinda given the bum's rush, and was merely allowed to stand near the matching armchairs, not in them:

Polish Prime Minister Jaroslaw Kacynski, left, and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice deliver a brief statement, Wednesday, Sept. 13, 2006, at the State Department Washington. (AP Photo/Haraz N. Ghanbari)

Not much to say about this encounter. Cute li'l munchkin, isn't he? But get out of the way, Short-stuff, because Condi's got a date with some podiums:

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, center, walks in before the start of her press conference with Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni at the State Department, Wednesday, Sept. 13, 2006, in Washington. (AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

And who was her dueling podium date? Why, it's her Iraeli counterpart, the excitingly-named Tzipi Livni:

Clearly, Condi madly loves this woman, and that's even more proof that her fling with Peter MacKay was all a sham.

Whew! That's a lotta Condoleezza! And that doesn't even include today's photo-ops! Will Condi end the week with a bang, or is she all worn out and used up by this time? Stay tuned!

Condi Hairdo Damage Report Updated and Resolved

OK, so I know you've been on pins and needles all day, knowing that there was indeed a real crisis going on in Lebanon... a horrific hairdo crisis which threatened, Samson-like, to sap our Diplotaunte of all her magical powers. Well, let's cut to the chase, OK? Because everything is just great now! Here, this is from just a little while ago today:

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni during their joint news conference in Jerusalem, July 24, 2006. (Oleg Popov/Reuters)

Full recovery, just as I predicted/hoped with all my heart. So:

Now you may relax! Everything is totally hunky-dory over there! I don't know about you, but an epic bad-hair day of these proportions doesn't happen very often in Condiland, and I've never seen one this bad so mercilously exposed by the Condirazzi. What a rare delight today has been! But I'm sure you want to know what happened earlier today, when Condi's hairdo was so thoroughly disrupted. Well, it turns out I know my Condoleezza Hairdo Perils™ pretty well, because I suspected the cold hands of a helicopter rotor behind the madness, and sure enough:

US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice salutes a US Marine as she walks towards a helicopter upon her departure from Beirut after meeting with Lebanese officials. Rice held crisis talks in Middle East at the start of a high-stakes mission to try to end the conflict in Lebanon, where deadly violence raged on for the 13th straight day.(AFP/Nicolas Asfouri)

So, yes, you may go back to your families, your loved ones, and rest assured that the Condoleezza Hairdo Alert System works.

And finally, can I bring our beloved giantess Ursula Plassnik into this? If we've learned anything from Ursula, and Condi should have, too, it's the value of a good scarf. Oh, Condi, TSK! Accessories are not only your friends, but sometimes they're your protectors!