Quickie: Michele Bachmann Momentarily Becomes a (Magic) Negro in Support of Michael Steele

Michael Steele is, of course, making the rounds at CPAC and assuring everybody that the Republican Party is doing absolutely great and that they shouldn't change a thing. Neat!

My favorite part, though, is that he inspired nutty Michele Bachmann so very much that she magically transformed into a comical parody of a cartoon of a stereotype of a black woman:

As Steele concluded his remarks, Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann — the event's moderator — told Steele he was “da man.”

“Michael Steele! You be da man! You be da man,” she said.

They then, presumably, shared a comically large slice of watermelon together for photo-ops and belted out a lusty chorus of "Dixie."

In other words: Michael Steele's "hip-hopification" of the GOP? It's working!

Joe the Plumber Officially Washed-Up

(AP Photo, 10-29-08)

Had I known Joe the Plumber's book signing at Border's yesterday would be such a quiet, uncrowded, unattended affair, heck, I would have gone! The Washington Post's write-up and accompanying photo is hilarious: 11 people showed up, at least one of whom was already there for other reasons:

It's fair to say Joe's appearance at Borders at 18th and L streets wasn't eagerly anticipated. People just kind of shuffled over when Joe strode in with Thomas N. Tabback, the co-author of "Joe the Plumber: Fighting for the American Dream." Annie Hickman, a young woman whom Wurzelbacher called "sweetie" during a brief Q&A, was browsing when the PA announced that Joe was in the house. "I'm missing pottery class for this," she said.

Lawyer Alana Hecht was curious. "I was upstairs reading 'Dreams From My Father,' " Obama's memoir. "It's just fate. Who could leave when this is happening?" She and Hickman laughed. Washington, such a weird town.

Weird and fickle! In the end, Joe sold a whole five books, so I'm sure his trip to town was totally worth it. Bonus points to reporter Paul Farhi, exceptionally mean-spirited and amusing, for using the phrase the audacity of hype.

UPDATE! From Wonkette, we learn that even at CPAC, nobody cares much about Joe:

Joe-the-Plumber spoke to 1/4 full room. It was pathetic. I got video of how fucking empty the room was. I tried to make an echo off the walls but I got yelled at.

In a Single Column, Thomas Sowell Compares Obama to Two Mass-Murdering Dictators, One Traitor

Oh, sure, Thomas Sowell (Condi's colleague at the Hoover Institute!) starts off his latest column about Barack Obama innocently, even charitably enough, calling him a pragmatist, a word which will surely send his fans scurrying for their dictionaries. And then –zing!– the kicker:

Anyone familiar with history knows that Hitler and Stalin were pragmatic.

Subtle! Also, Obama is neatly dressed and intellectual, and you know who else was? Alger Hiss, that's who, so put that in your elitist East Coast pipe and smoke it, OK?

The whole point of this, naturally, is that Sarah Palin will save us all. No, really! And finally, Sowell concludes that the Republicans should avoid at all costs "the sort of person who appeals to the intelligentsia."

Somehow, Tommy Baby (as Michael Steele would no doubt call him), I don't think that's going to be a problem.

He's Here! He's Here! I Saw Him! I Swear!

In this image made from video, Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal delivers from Baton Rouge, La. the Republican Party's official response to President Barack Obama's address to a joint session of Congress on Tuesday Feb. 24, 2009. (AP Photo/APTN Pool)

This is the GOP's best hope? Haw. Obama had to do a good job last night, and he did, so poor Bobby Jindal had to be great, and... well, even the Fox News people, the people paid to say he was great, were underwhelmed. Jindal began with a mealy-mouthed, patronizing and perfunctory "first African American, etc." statement, continued with, basically, a campaign speech about himself and his family which came across as being cribbed wholesale from Obama's own campaign stump speeches, and then... well, and then it was blah blah blah tax cuts blah blah blah. All of this was delivered in an unrehearsed-sounding, breathless pitter-patter. Who knew it was possible to sound sing-songy and droney at the same time?

Sarah Palin must have loved it.

EDIT: I was listening to "Garden" by the Fall this morning, and the line "See what flows from his mushy pen" jumped out at me as a perfect description of Jindal's speech. I also changed the title of this post to another line from the song. Perverted by language, indeed.

US Mint Unfamiliar with its Own Trivia (UPDATE: Correction below)

Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that the new DC quarter features Duke Ellington, but I was puzzled by the US Mint's breathless assertion that it was their first coin to feature an African American. And, indeed, here's some trivia from their own web site:

The first coin to feature an African-American was the Booker T. Washington Memorial Half Dollar.

Not to mention the 1951 George Washington Carver/Booker T. coin and the 1996 commemorative silver dollar featuring Crispus Attucks, the reverse of which features three additional (anonymous) African Americans.

But, you know, whatever. How many media outlets will repeat this easily demonstrated error? Probably all of them.

But anyway, congrats to Duke Ellington, the seventh African American to appear on a US coin!

UPDATE/CORRECTION: I spoke to Michael White at the USM's Office of Public Affairs, and he assured me that their press materials stress that Ellington is the first African American to appear on a "regular", circulating coin, rather than a special commemorative, and that the error is (surprise!) CNN's.

UPDATE: CNN has extensively rewritten corrected its story.

Wait... What?

Republican Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal(L) seen here on February 22, 2009, speaks as he is interviewed by moderator David Gregory during a taping of "Meet the Press" at the NBC studios in Washington, DC.

Um, OK, I didn't expect this:

And now, Jindal's party is putting him on a national platform, awarding the once little-known congressman the political plum of delivering the Republican's televised response to President Barack Obama's address to Congress on February 24.

"The speech is very important. This is his coming-out party," said G. Pearson Cross, head of the University of Louisiana's political science department, who has observed Jindal's political rise. "His speech will put a face on the name."

Oh, God, so Bobby's coming out? No! No! Put a chair in front of the door!

KaCHING!

You'll be thrilled to learn that Random House/Crown has rewarded America's Princess Diplomat with a $2.5 million (at least!) contract for three books. There will be a memoir about her Bush years, a book about her family, and a Readers' Digest condensed version of the latter for the kiddies. The Associated Press reports:

"Rice will combine candid narrative and acute analysis to tell the story of her time in the White House and as America's top diplomat, and her role in protecting American security and shaping foreign policy during the extraordinary period from 2001-2009," according to a statement issued Sunday by Crown, a division of Random House Inc. Crown also published then-Sen. Barack Obama's "The Audacity of Hope."

Protecting America's security? I must have missed that part. But yay for Condi! Think of all the shoes! Think of all the promotional appearances!

UPDATE: The teaser in the print edition of the Washington Post is headlined "Tell All?" Oh, please, c'mon... you know better than that, Posties.

Michael Steele's Hip-Hopification of the GOP: A Look Back

Let's travel into the future and see how Michael Steele's attempt to bring the Republican message to "urban-suburban hip-hop settings" works out:

• 04-15-09: Physician warns participants in upcoming break dancing demonstration that he cannot guarantee the integrity of their hip replacements.
• 06-18-09: Peggy Noonan's live presentation of Ronald Reagan speeches set to break-beats is met with booing and jeers from the audience, but becomes a YouTube sensation nevertheless.
• 07-11-10: Newt Gingrich appears on Meet the Press wearing a yellow Fila track suit with matching Tommy Gear doo-rag.
• 10-23-10: Hairdresser informs Bobby Jindal that if he doesn't stop fidgeting, he'll have to live with half a head of cornrows.
• 01-30-11: George Will listens to Straight Outta Compton three times through but is "unable to fathom its metaphors."
• 05-15-11: Waiter at the Four Seasons discreetly informs Mary Matalin that she has pâté de foie gras stuck to her custom "diamond grillz".
• 01-08-12: GOP pundits debate whether or not Lil' Bow Wow's victory in their New Hampshire primary is a good thing.
• 10-18-12: Controversy erupts when Politico reveals that candidate Sarah Palin's hot pants and tube tops were purchased with RNC funds.
  

Random Photoblogging: Antique Restoration Studio, Georgetown

(Click for bigger)

M4M: Tempermental Actor Seeks Bearded Daddy for HOT Assassinaction!

If you're not a hairdresser, you may need to ask your stylist why this is hilarious:

(click for 1200x900)

Or you may wish to very carefully Google the word "Manhunt." There isn't much I can do or say to make the Newseum's banner funnier, but it's impossible to resist this tiny edit:

So if you go to the Newseum and you notice some of their more... flamboyant... staff members collapsing in giggles, now you'll know why.

UPDATE: A coworker remarked, "They're never going to get any hits with those profile pictures."

Quickie: Michael Steele Saying Stupid, Hilarious Things Again

Wonkette and Gawker have basically already picked Michael Steele's superbly idiotic interview with the Washington Times clean. I don't really have anything to add other than, you know, Michael Steele, I love you.

Oooh, is One of Them Yuri Gripas?

Photographers shoot the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act Bill after President Obama signed it at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science February 17, 2009. (Larry Downing/Reuters)

No, tragically. I guess the only thing we know for sure is that none of the above are Larry Downing, and that's a shame because he is one of my favorites. The snappers shown are probably Gerald Herbert, who covered the event for AP, UPI's (they're still around?) Gary C. Caskey, and AFP's Jim Watson. Here's Herbert's exciting shot:

Watson's is a little more action-packed:

And Downing, of course, couldn't resist shooting it himself after shooting the other photographers shooting it:

Caskey's shot apparently didn't make the cut. Perhaps it lacked the drama and excitement of the others. Who knows?

Out with Condi, In with Hillary: Out with the Matching Armchairs, In with the Matching People

U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is pictured with shrine maidens during her visit to Meiji Shrine in Tokyo February 17, 2009. REUTERS/Pool

Such a cute idea! From now on, when Hillary travels to a foreign land, instead of being presented with matching armchairs for photo-ops, she'll be presented with adorable matching locals in quaint native garb. The Condi years really are over!

Ha, ha, I'm just kidding. Of course they had some matching armchairs:

Also, you seriously cannot even fathom how many pictures have been taken of Hillary on this trip. I saw the top photo pop up this morning, and by this afternoon, it was already something like 15 pages in on Yahoo News photos. There will be no drought of Hillaryproduct.

Help Needed in Deciphering Latest Ursula Parody

It's almost like Ursula Plassnik has completely winked out of existence (*SOB*) in the English speaking world. In Austria, however, she is apparently still a curiosity which must be addressed:

Now, obviously this is a conflation of our favorite affable giantess and Asterix, and of course I love the idea of Queen Ursula, but...

Well... a little help here?

UPDATE: Pony Pal Felix explains it all in the comments!

Richard Cohen Pens Worst Sentence Ever

I wish I could say that I read Richard Cohen's latest column, found it absurd and idiotic, and will now utter hilarious but trenchant observations about it. But I can't, because I simply couldn't get past this sentence:

Gregg's turnabout was supposedly an embarrassment for the new Obama administration -- and I suppose it was.

So there you have it: Cohen supposes something is supposedly an embarrassment. I can't compete with that. Dazed by the terrible sentence, I decided to "cut and run," as the saying goes. I will note, however, that a quick scan of the rest of the column revealed the following gem as well:

Reality is real.

How much wisdom is one blogger supposed to absorb this early in the morning?

Random: What Guys Who Wear Dockers and Light Blue Button-Down Shirts Say to Themselves When They Look in the Mirror

EDIT: ...and what they think to themselves when they look in the mirror:

Frowny, Sucked-In Lips Face Claims Another Victim

Senator Judd Gregg (R-NH) pauses as he announces he is withdrawing as President Barack Obama's Commerce Secretary nominee at a news conference at the U.S. Capitol in Washington, February 12, 2009. (Jonathan Ernst/Reuters)

That face again! What, exactly, does it mean? It seems to always be associated with guilt, embarrassment, acknowledgment of stupidity, etc.

Still, though, nobody will ever beat Eliot Spitzer at Frowny, Sucked-In Lips Face.

Greg Walden Knows an Effective Prop when He Sees One

House Energy and Commerce subcommittee on Oversight and Investigations Chairman Rep. Bart Stupak, D-Mich., left, watches as Rep. Greg Walden, R-Ore., right, holds up a container of food items that were recalled due to the recent salmonella outbreak associated with peanut products manufactured by the Peanut Corporation of America, Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2009, on Capitol Hill in Washington. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)

The peanut butter hearings yesterday were a superb case of what I guess you could call Fifth Amendment Theater™, in which the obviously, blatantly guilty are called to Congress not to answer any questions, but to simply squirm and get yelled at. Works for me!

Bonus points to Rep. Walden for finding the most telegenic prop. Hey, the peanut guys should have been grateful; it's not everyone who gets offered a delicious snack* in the middle of getting raked over the coals.

*Suggested name: Salmonettes™.

Double Take

OK, so I'm doing my usual thing, hangin' out, feelin' free, performing Google News searches for the term Condoleezza, and then I'm totally, all, What? Salman Rushdie is dating Condi? Hello? And then I was all, like, Nuh-uh, he's dating the actress* who plays Condi! The one who gives Will Ferrell a lap dance on Broadway! And then I was all, like, OMG, whatever.

*I must admit, though, that anybody named Pia is automatically OK by me.

Contest Roundup! We Have Winners! Kind Of!

OK, so! As I mentioned earlier, we don't really have a true winner, because nobody stated correctly exactly what is shown in the photos below.

The two winners, however, are impressive, because both of them, within a half-hour, guessed that the object is connected to the head of Daniel Chester French's plaster study of his Abraham Lincoln sculpture for the Lincoln Memorial, currently on display at my work in the midst of a welcome national burst of Abe worship. Please note the helpful suggestions on the lid of the box, highlighted in the detail above.

I don't know what it is about that box, but I just cracked up when I saw it. I was totally, all, like, "Fancy!" There's something so wonderfully unpretentious about this box... you could almost say it's log-cabiny in its humbleness.

Technically, Pony Pals Ian Quigley and David Forbes (who has known me since I was a teenager, but lives in Arizona) were both wrong, because the photos don't show Lincoln's head but, rather, the box it comes in. Zing! But, you know, close enough! And, wow, fast! A day later, Pony Pal Liquid also made this same guess.

Several others came very close; many thought the box held a bust of Lincoln. So near, and yet so far away!

Nobody puzzled out the clue, and I guess I'm not surprised because my coworkers told me it was impossible. OK, so here's what the clue (7 x .01 = ?) means: What do you get when you cross SE7EN (the movie) with a penny? Abraham Lincoln's head in a box! Get it? Um, look, I did admit it was a hard clue, OK? Seriously, get it?

So congrats to long-time Pony Pals Ian and David. Your tour bus photos and Win buttons will be mailed shortly! Pony Pal Liquid will also get a Win button, because let's face it, Gerald Ford's embarrassing lapel shame is a great piece of Americana, just like Lincoln's head.

Let's do this again sometime! With easier clues!

Contest Update

Great response! Two Pony Pals, so far, have guessed mostly correctly, and will both receive prizes. Technically, though, both were actually wrong! And nobody has come even close to guessing what the clue means, and that's not surprising because one of my coworkers informed me that the clue was totally harder than the puzzle itself.

So anyway, there is still room for another winner or two!

PSP Contest: What is It?

Click both pics for 1200 x 900

My original concept for this blog was for it to have a lot more puzzles 'n' games, to be more like a children's activity page, a demented Highlights for Children. You can really see this approach in PSP's first month, which included a Jeff Gannon Jumble puzzle and a maddening "spot the hairdresser" brain-teaser.

So how about a contest? OK! I took the pictures in this post today. What is it? Hey, it's a simple enough question. And if you know general things about your host and are clever, you'll be able to figure it out. Also, to win, you have to tell me exactly what it is.

And you get one clue: 7 x .01 = ?

There will be two winners: the first person to guess exactly what it is, and the first person who can fully explain the clue. PSP friends and coworkers who live in the DC area are not eligible, or, obvs, anybody who just, you know, knows what it is.

Email your answer to peteykins at gmail dot com! Here's another picture:

The winners will each receive an Ugly Tour Bus Photo and a genuine vintage Gerald Ford "Win" button.

Condi: "I'm Glad it's Over."

(Lee Hershfield, Palm Beach Daily News)

Condi riched it up with the riches Thursday night in Palm Beach, where she was given the ADL's Distinguished Statesman Award for all of her wondrous successes over the past eight years. The League's director enthused about the fabulous Dr. Ferragamo:

Abraham Foxman, ADL's national director, presented the award, describing Rice as "a consummate professional, an extraordinary pianist, a great football enthusiast, a presidential adviser, a professor, a diplomat and an extraordinary public servant."

I'm going to go ahead and say that his list is obviously arranged in a descending order of success.

As for Condi, all dolled up in satin and organza, well, she couldn't be happier:

"It's been an extraordinary eight years, and yes, quite frankly, I'm glad it's over."

And with that, Condi has finally, finally said something that 100% makes sense and that I agree with 100%. You knew it had to happen eventually!

Anyway, here's another picture of Condi with rich people who think she's great:

This "Matching Armchairs Photo-Op" Stuff is Just Going to Take a While for Hillary to Perfect

Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, right, talks with Tony Blair, left, Quartet Envoy during their meeting at the State Department in Washington, Wednesday, Feb. 4, 2009. (AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

Ha! You can't escape destiny, Hils! The moment we've been waiting for arrived Wednesday. As you can see, Hillary has succumbed to the strange allure of the State Department Reception Room's famous matching armchairs. But, oh no, what have they done? They pulled the chairs too far apart, which results in the actors being too distant from each other for a nice, compact photo. Worse, they've replaced the central low table with two tables for each armchair. This may seem like a nice idea, a table for Hillary, a table for Tony, but the result is that the fireplace has become an ashy, central negative space. Basically, they've totally ruined the delicate equilibrium of the matching armchairs photo-op. See how Tony put his teacup on his outer table while Hils placed her... um... bloody mary on her inner table? See how these options have sabotaged the heraldic symmetry of the scene? Do you now understand better the function of the centrally placed small table with the tasteful flower arrangement (you may wish to refer to these classic examples)?

These people have a lot to learn.

Quickie: Yulia Fever Spreads

The bizarre and fantastic Yulia was Andrew Sullivan's "Face of the Day" yesterday! Also: Yulia is fighting for her political life! Neat!

Yulia fever... catch it! Thank you, Pony Pal William, for the tip!

Also noted this morning at Gawker:

Kellogg, in the most boneheaded move in the entire history of all celebrity endorsements ever, is dumping Michael Phelps over his pot photo. Has any brand ever been more out of touch with its customers?

Indeed.

Home Decorating Tip

What you're seeing above is a 6" ceramic tile:

In celebration of the illustrious career of Michael Chertoff, Edison Clay Co. located in Fort Myers, FL, is releasing a very limited edition set of tiles which commemorate his service to our country. Each tile is hand-pressed and numbered and comes with a certificate of authenticity. Only 1000 will be produced and the original plaster molds will then be destroyed.

Something tells me this isn't their hottest seller, so why not get all 1,000 and do an entire area of your house? Oh, sure, $30,000 might seem like a lot of money, but the result would be a room so stunning, David Lynch would cry.

Or, you know, you could always go for Carol Channing.

More Historic Photos of Jeff Fortenberry's Hair, Winner of "Best Congressional Hairdo – Male Division" for 2009!

(November 4, 2008. All photos AP)

He's really giving Blago a run for his money, hairdo-wise (what a great word!), in the above shot. Yay, let's look at more:

That's February, 2006, evidently when he had his dandruff under better control. But wait, how about this in November of the same year:

Is it just the lighting, or has Fortenberry's coiffure gotten significantly browner than before?
This next one, from June 2004, I'm just throwing in to make you love him more:

So I don't know, the hair seems to go back and forth from more brown to more gray. Doesn't that imply dye-jobs? Doesn't that support my theory that Fortenberry's hair is real and lustrous and fabulous and totally not a wig, just remarkably wig-like? I'm sticking to that story until somebody (*AHEM* congressional staff Pony Pals!) demonstrates otherwise.

The Struggle MUST Continue

I love old hairdresser slang. I still believe, for instance, that a well-considered, judicious Mary at just the right moment can be a scream. Lately I've been hearing a great new slang term for, you know, interior decorator or florist, and I'm really hoping it catches on.

You've heard it: when somebody like Ted Haggard gets booted from the closet, they never say what Ellen and Clay said on those magazine covers. They don't say, "I'm gay," but, rather, "I'm struggling with same-sex attraction."

Isn't that the greatest phrase, like, forever?

It's also a favorite of the whole Ex-Gay™ guys 'n' gals. Their ads aren't all, like, Are you a homo? We can help! No, they just want to offer "mentorship of men who struggle with same sex attraction." And they do! Most of their clients end up enthusiastically embracing their struggles with same-sex attraction! Over and over again!

So anyway, this phrase is wonderful and hilarious* and you HAVE to start using it a lot, immediately. Here are some samples to get you started:

• Hey, a bunch of us are going out tonight to drink beer and struggle with same-sex attraction. Wanna come?
• It was hot: after dinner we went back to his place and struggled with same-sex attraction, like, five times.
• I say OMG did you see that guy who just passed us? And you say OMG I'm struggling with same-sex attraction right now!

So good, right? Get on with it, then. Keep the struggle alive!

*Also, whoah, tell me that phrase doesn't resonate on, like, ten-thousand other levels, too. Am I right, hairdressers?

Your Purity Ball Outfit is Now Compete

Remember a while ago when I told you all to rush to Kmart and buy some Abstinence Pants? Since then, of course, we've all had our Abstinence Pants in a drawer, unworn, because we just never could find the perfect top to go with them (the "Jesus Loves Porn Stars" shirt clashed). Until now:

Other designs ("EX-fornicator", "EX-Diva", "EX-Homosexual", and my favorite, "EX-Rebel", etc.) are available! In multiple colors! What could possibly be a more positive statement than saying what you aren't? Plus, I think they're inconsistent application of capitalization is kicky! AND they're totally Helveticalicious.

In a way, they're pretty clever, because I can guarantee that wearing one of those shirts would work well to help maintain an abstinence regimen.

Don't you want one? You know you do. Get one now. (via Pony Pal JoeMyGod.)

Quickie: Yulia Gets Joke Nobody Else Understands

Ukraine's Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko (bottom) applauds as she attends a new parliament session in Kiev February 3, 2009. REUTERS/ Gleb Garanich (UKRAINE)

PSP Struggles to Understand Global Economic Meltdown, Wonders If it Has Anything to Do With Shoes, is Happy to Find AP Photo Which Suggests It Does

Customers look for shoes at a department store which started a discount sale for the Lunar New Year in Seoul, South Korea, Tuesday, Feb. 3, 2009. The head of the International Monetary Fund (IMF) on Monday defended its prediction of South Korea's economy contracting 4 percent this year, but acknowledged difficulties in forecasting accurately during such a volatile period. (AP Photo/Ahn Young-joon)

Isn't that the weirdest way to illustrate a story? Do you think that maybe it was a last-minute emergency photo deadline muffed, so they had to just photograph the shoe store across the street from their regional office? Look! They're having a sale! OMG economic meltdown! Perfect!

Seriously, so weird. And a terrible, terrible photo! I'm totally, like, whatever.

Jeff Fortenberry: The Mystery & Majesty (& Dry, Itchy Scalp)

(C-SPAN. All others: house.gov)

Here is your champion! Yes, Jeff Fortenberry is clearly the winner of the prestigious "Best Congressional Hairdo – Male Division" trophy*. It's almost identical to Blago's coiffure, but salt-n-pepperier! And also like Blago's magnificent hair, I believe that despite all common sense and appearances, Fortenberry's 'do is real, real, thrillingly real (I'll show the evidence below).

Before we discuss the hair any further, though, I know all of you are growing impatient, saying Yes, yes, the hair is great, but does he appear in photo-ops with oversized novelty checks? I'm so glad you asked! Yes he does:

OK, that's out of the way. Here's a 3/4 "lost profile" view to show the back:

This is a very well-maintained cut! Also: Fortenberry should appear in photographs with men wearing chaps more often. Anyway! This view doesn't inspire confidence in the "is it real or a wig" debate. I'm tempted to think it's fake, a toupee. All the edges are so blunt! Wait, we need another view:

It really looks like something placed upon his head rather than something growing out of it, doesn't it? Particularly the "sideburns" are clearly styled down from the principle mass of the coiffure.

Finally, let's take a look at the authoritative, official headshot:

Hmm... it looks more convincing here, and you can see hair growing directly out of the head right next to the ears. Still, though, wigs, especially expensive wigs for insecure congressmen, can be very skillfully and cleverly blended. What we need is more evidence, and the picture above provides it! Go ahead and click the picture to open up the high-res pic, OK? What do you see all over his coat? That's right! Dandruff! Absolutely TONS of dandruff all over his suit! Enough to powder a donut:

Honestly, that is not Photoshopped. Ha, ha, THIS is Photoshopped:

To me, the sheer amount of it tends to support the idea that the hair is real, because I can't believe that all came from his eyebrows. Please correct me if I'm wrong!

Most importantly, however, is that Fortenberry's hairdo appears to be expanding, as fantastically captured in the C-SPAN shot up top provided by Pony Pal™ Fritz. How much larger will it get? Oh, we can dream, can't we? If he didn't learn anything from Blago's recent multiple hair-related humiliations, I don't expect him to rein in the follicles (??!) anytime soon.

Oh, and just in case you think I'm making fun of a wonderful person, Fortenberry is a rank-and-file right winger: 0% from NARAL, anti-gay, anti-labor, etc., etc., and took a special interest, apparently, in banning poker from the internets.

So what do you think? I know hairdo isn't as spectacular as Traficant's (few are), as hilariously fake and weird as Ney's, nor as disastrously mismanaged as Feeney's, and it doesn't look like hardened Cool Whip™, like Jerry Lewis's, but you've got to admit the man gives impressive head. So I say here's to Jeff Fortenberry's Incredible Expanding Hairdo! For great justice!

Please feel free to compose a Haiku inspired by the mystery and majesty of Jeff Fortenberry's hair in the comments section.

*To be totally fair, if any Fortenberry staffers would like to collect an actual trophy to commemorate this honor, please contact me and I'm sure I can come up with something wonderful.

Teaser: Contest Over

I can now reveal that the newest winner of "Best Congressional Hairdo - Male Division" has been determined by our expert panel of judges (um, Pony Pal/CSpan Operative Fritz and Me) and will be revealed late this afternoon.

The hairdo is a wonder to behold. Can you guess the winner? Stay tuned!

It's prudent to review past winners (Tom Feeney, Bob Ney, Jerry Lewis, James Traficant) and realize that this honor also carries a curse.

Quickie: OK, OK, OK

(AFP)

If I mention these two stories will people stop emailing me about them and posting links to them in the comments? Yes? Great!

• Somebody somewhere threw a shoe at somebody. This mainly demonstrates that trendy British bandwagon jumpers ruin everything. The insistence that I "cover" this story also demonstrates that people really don't get what I'm writing about when I write about the Middle Eastern Shoe Art Renaissance.
• Condi gave Will Ferrell a lap dance or something. Wait, what? Watch out for that scissor-action, Will! The insistence that I cover this story demonstrates that people really don't believe I do daily Google News searches for the word "Condoleezza."

EDIT: Picture of a puppy in a mixing bowl added to mitigate the bitchiness of this post.

David Miliband Just Not That Into Condi

US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton(R) and British Foreign Secretary David Miliband shake hands after speaking to the press at the State Department in Washington. Clinton said Tuesday the US-British special relationship "really stands the test of time." (AFP/Nicholas Kamm)

I always suspected that David Miliband wasn't quite as taken with America's Princess Diplomat as his predecessor, erstwhile Condidate Jack Straw. Miliband would never say, "Whew! Glad she's gone!" but that was clearly the subtext when he met with Hillary yesterday and gushed just a teensy bit too much. From Al Kamen:

Yesterday, the current holders of those positions, Hillary Rodham Clinton and David Miliband, met and then chatted with reporters.

"Madam Secretary," Miliband said, "on a personal note, I hope you know the admiration and respect with which you are held in the United Kingdom. The record of public service and achievement that you have built up is a unique résumé to bring to the task of . . . being America's chief diplomat.

"For many years, you have not just been an ambassador of America; you've been an ambassador for America and everything good that it stands for in the world. And I look forward to working very, very closely with you in the months and years ahead to make sure that our shared aspirations for a safer, more secure, more just planet are delivered."

Even Clinton seemed taken aback.

Haw! Get used to it, Hils!

Also! I've been watching, and although Secretary Clinton has done several "dueling podiums" photo-ops, she has yet to hit Condi's beloved State Department matching armchairs. Are they getting reupholstered? Sterilized?

Necessity is the Mother of Invention

No time like the present to fill an inevitable need, so may I present an exciting new Sparklegraphic you'll be seeing again and again! Yay!

Follow-Up: Middle Eastern Shoe Art Renaissance™ Suffers Setback... or Does It?

(AP Photo) (Note: more detail! Yay!)

Oh! I missed this sad tale from Saturday. It's short, so here's AP's report:

BAGHDAD, Sat Jan 31 – The director of an Iraqi orphanage says a sculpture honoring an Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at former President George W. Bush has been removed.

Fatin al-Nassiri says Iraqi police told her the statue had to be removed from the orphanage in Tikrit because government property should not be used for something with a political bias.

She says the sofa-sized statue of a shoe was taken down on Saturday after being unveiled on Thursday.

Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi threw his shoes during a Dec. 14 news conference in Baghdad. Throwing shoes at someone is a sign of extreme contempt in Arab culture.

Political bias? Don't they know that the Middle Eastern Shoe Art Renaissance is for everybody? And that the targets of the Middle Eastern Shoe Art Renaissance can by anybody? Hrrmmph. In any event, it's now obvious why the artist claimed the other day that the sculpture wasn't political, a statement I found puzzling and hilarious at the time. Bonus points for AP's continued use of the arcane art historical term sofa-size.

But if the Middle Eastern Shoe Art Renaissance participants are savvy, they'll try to gin up a little support for the censored monument, attempt to transform it into a succès de scandale. This could be their Nude Descending a Staircase, their déjeuner sur l'herbe, if they play their cards right.

What these guys need is a publicist. Cindy McCain's over there now, right? Perfect fit!