Journalist With More Credibility Than "Princess Sparkle Pony" Points And Gay-Frowns At Gay Aaron Schock

Haw, ohhhhhh... today is going to be a bit awkward for poor Gay Aaron Schock™ because now a journalist from CBS News, rather than, you know, "Blogspot", is not-very-subtly alluding to the obvious gayness of Gay Aaron Schock™. This comes on the heels of a noticeable recent uptick in people coming to this blog to research the mystery and magic of Gay Aaron Schock™. And then there was the Paul Ryan/Gay Aaron Schock™ erotic fan fiction which I politely didn't mention. And when I say politely, I mean that it's not polite to talk while you're vomiting.

How much longer can Gay Aaron Schock™ keep up his hilariously unconvincing facade? I'm thinking not much longer. This could get interesting!

UPDATE: All the traffic to this blog right now –and there's plenty of it– is Gay Aaron Schock™ related. Drip, drip, drip...

Evidently Aaron's now running scared, and has, for instance, locked his Very Gay Instagram account.

New to this blog? Click here for more fun with Gay Aaron Schock™!

Gay Aaron Schock To Be "Primaried." Whether He'll Be Top Or Bottom Remains To Be Seen

 

It's been a while since we've checked in with Gay Aaron Schock™! On our last outing (so to speak), we all enjoyed the Club for Growth's hilarious attacks on Kid Wonderabs, in which they coyly never came right out and said "OMG, guys, he is soooo gay," but inserted so many wink winks in their Aaron bashing that people must have wondered if the Club for Growth had maybe gotten something in its eye. At the time I declared it "a masterpiece of dog-whistle gay baiting," but still I wondered if perhaps I was reading a little too much into it.

Well, wonder no more, because the Club for Growth has done it again! They've issued a fresh new fatwa against the gymtastic congressman from Peoria, citing a litany of reasons why he's just not conservative enough, etc., etc., before concluding, in a wonderfully, ingeniously veiled reference to Gay Aaron Schock™'s closet abode, "The voters of Illinois’s 18th Congressional District are not blind: they can tell when someone is pretending to be something they’re not."

Gay Aaron Schock™, who I am compelled to remind you is totally, fabulously heterosexual, pretending to be something he's not?  I can't imagine such a thing! So mean! Poor Gay Aaron Schock™!

Utah Lady VERY ANGRY About Fred Karger's Gay Frisbee

As you know from this blog, Fred Karger, the "presidential candidate" who characterizes himself as a Gay Republican Crusader but is really just a masochistic attention whore, loves to give out his embarrassing and puzzling campaign merchandise. Recently, Karger decided his victim mentality meter was running low, so naturally he headed to Utah to speak to the local Mormon and GOP officials (99.9% overlap in that Venn diagram) for a lip-smacking helping of abuse. Sadly, those he spoke to were perfectly cordial, gracefully accepting his gay frisbees and ugly t-shirts, but then finally, finally one of their gentle wives discovered this upsetting merchandise and rose magnificently to the bait with this superb email:

you are an idiot. You met with my husband Willie Billings today about you being on the Utah ballot. He brought your frisby, and tshirt home and it is now out in the trash. I never want to hear from such a radical idiot again. you think you are conseritave? conseritave means you beleive in the values of founding fathers and God. Do you know you cant procreate right? Well thank goodness for that. Nanette Billings.

Conseritave? How did she manage to spell "procreate" correctly?

Jennifer Rubin Suddenly Discovers Homophobia In The GOP

This is rich: PSP girlfriend Jennifer Rubin noticed that a bunch of Republicans are unhappy that Mitt Romney hired a hairdresser, and so, startled, she decided that it's finally time, in 2012, to ever-so-gently suggest that –hold on to your hats!– the GOP might be homophobic, and this might be a problem. Revelation!

This from the woman who never said a bad thing about Rick Santorum until this year.

Also, Jen, if you're going to call out gay bashers, you may wish to start with... Mitt Romney, who gave tons of money directly to the National Organization for Marriage, and who knows how much indirectly through his tithing to the Church of Latter Day Saints. One wonders, too, if Ms. Rubin is prepared to "take on" the intense, insane homophobia spouted by Orthodox Jewish leaders. Something tells me she may just avoid that issue.

So is Jennifer Rubin going to become a crusader for gay rights? LOL, no. Keep in mind that she's not denouncing homophobia to defend gays, she denouncing homophobia to defend Mitt Romney.

But I love Jen's inane post anyway, not because I believe it's all that sincere, but because it's yet another example of the battle within the GOP: Neocons and "paleoconservatives" on one side,  and nutball religious fundamentalists on the other. It's my favorite spectator sport.

And The National Enquirer's Big "Callista Gingrich Lesbian Shocker" Is...

...that Callista has a lesbian friend. Seriously, that's it. That's the shocker. OMG. Are you sufficiently shocked? I'm reeling. (Photo of Callista's lesbian friend via.)

Funny/Sad Fred Karger Also Has Funny/Sad Campaign Merchandise

Oh, Fred.

See, last week I meanly referred to the bizarre presidential candidate as Fred "Fred Who?" Karger. Little did I know that "Fred Who?" is literally his campaign slogan! This is funny! And sad! And again, it leads us the wonder what the hell is Fred Karger doing?**

Remember how jealous we all got on Thursday when we saw that lucky, puzzled couple in New Hampshire receiving a special Fred Karger Frisbee™ from the man himself? Hooray for us, we can pretend it happened to us, too, by cheating and purchasing one ($20!) from his fantastic campaign shop. There you will also find Fred Karger notepads (WHY?), stickers, t-shirts and bumper stickers, all with the funny/sad "Fred Who?" logo, and all modeled by gay-republicany-looking young men. These items are the makings for a clever Halloween costume, except that nobody would get it. Just imagine:

YOUR FRIEND: What are you?
YOU: I'm a Fred Karger fan!
YOUR FRIEND: Fred who?
YOU: Ha ha! That's what it says!
YOUR FRIEND: No, really, who the fuck is Fred Karger?
YOU: [20-minute description of Karger's baffling and pointless run for president ensues]
YOUR FRIEND: Isn't that [OTHER, LESS BORING FRIEND] over there? I need to go talk to him.

OK, maybe not, then. The shop site does, however, contain one hilarious joke. They offer an ugly American/rainbow flag combo pin, and look who they chose to model it:

Now that is for real funny. Still kinda sad, though.

Oh, Fred.

**Here's my official guess: Fred is trying to become the "go-to Republican Gay™" for media appearances, etc. The problem with this, obviously, is that nobody wants or needs a go-to Republican Gay™.

Quixotic Gay Republican Still Thinks He's A "Presidential Candidate," Makes Obscure 70s Homo-Culture References Just Like Any Old Queen

Oh, gosh, Fred Karger. Lonely ol' Fred. I shouldn't be so mean about him, but let's face it: he is the saddest sad-sack in the whole GOP field. Here is a guy who has been utterly shunned by the vast majority of his own party, systematically excluded from every debate, and worse than being spoken ill of, he's not spoken of at all, and yet still he comes back for more. So is he Pollyanna, eternally optimistic that "they'll come around"? Is he Edina from Absolutely Fabulous, totally oblivious to all the hostility surrounding him? Is he Howard the Duck, trapped in a world he never made? Or is he simply a masochist?

Maybe he's totally weird. Or stupid, possibly? Both? Soooo hard to tell. For instance, now he's upset with Florida for all their primary date shenanigans, so he threatened –threatened!– the state with an orange juice boycott if they didn't cut it out. For real! OMG, how seventies. But... what is Fred Karger doing? Seriously, a Florida orange juice boycott? Is this an incoherent attempt to blow a gay dog whistle? If so, what does the Anita Bryant boycott of 1977 have to do with a wonky primary scheduling issue? It doesn't make any sense. Or, maybe Fred Karger is totally unaware of the strength of the gay cultural memory of the original orange juice boycott, in which case: WTF? Either way, I just totally can't make any sense of Fred Karger.  

There's strong evidence that he's just plain odd. Here he is last Saturday wandering around New Hampshire giving his gay Republican Frisbees™ to skeptical-looking suburbanites: 

(Photo: Grant Morris, Nashua Telegraph)

From the Telegraph's article:

“Hi, I’m Fred Karger, and I’m running for president,” Karger said, introducing himself with a handshake, a business card and a blue frisbee with his name etched on it.

Meanwhile, residents began spilling out of their homes, lured by the sound of bagpipes and the parade of campaign workers carrying blue frisbees and business cards.

Later in the article, Karger actually utters the words "I've hustled," and that's when you realize that this guy is totally, hilariously great, and we should enjoy this piece of inadvertent performance art while we can.

National Coming Out Day Special: Aaron Schock Has A Bit Of A "Gay Aaron Schock" Google Problem™

You may recall that back in May I posted a totally irresponsible, anonymously-sourced, and yet perfectly plausible item about how everybody knows that Aaron Schock is as gay as pink ink (as my father used to say), or, I suppose more appropriately, as gay as a teal blue cloth belt. We hold these truths to be self-evident, as the saying goes.

The item got a little bit of attention, and then Wonkette reblogged it, humorously referring to me as a "trusted DC source" (hey, I've had my moments), and that got the "news" quite a bit more attention.  And then people in the blogosphere moved along to other important topics, the end.

Well, not quite the end! Just in the last couple of days, I've noticed a considerable uptick in the number of people clicking over to the PSP Gay Aaron Schock story from the Wonkette version. Why now? It seems that Schock was recently on Meet the Press, and whenever somebody most people have never heard of is on Meet the Press, it results in a lot of Googling, and when you Google "Aaron Schock", you-know-who shows up right at the bottom of the first page:

And it doesn't get much better (ha ha) when you do a Google image search:

And say you're watching Aaron Schock on Meet the Press and you think, "Gosh, that guy looks like he was separated at birth from Neil Patrick Harris," (doesn't he?), and you decide to throw the word "gay" into your Google search:

This all adds up to Aaron Shock having what the tech-savvy reporters call a Google Problem™. Poor Aaron! But Schock has an absolutely immaculately right-wing voting history, including voting against anything which could be perceived as hairdresser-friendly, such as the repeal of "Don't Ask/Don't Tell", so why doesn't he just go ahead and step out of the closet and be a Gay Republican™ like those cool GOProud guys?

The answer, of course, is that there are no successful openly-gay GOP politicians (just ask Fred "Fred who?" Karger),  and the concept might not (ha, make that "probably wouldn't") go over like gangbusters in Schock's rural/small town Illinois district. It would literally not play well in Peoria.

As a result, Schock has to obfuscate. Take a look at his rudimentary home page (all that is missing is the "under construction" gifs) and his congressional webpage, and you'll notice that so-called "social issues" are nowhere to be found... like, anywhere. He simply acts like these issues don't exist, despite his "clean" voting record on them.

This must be soooo awkward for Aaron! Think of all the time and energy he has to put into all this! Think of how careful he has to be!

So that's why I'm nominating Gay Aaron Schock as the official poster boy for National Coming Out Day. Well, that and because he'd look so totally cute on the posters.

...And Then They Kissed

Republican presidential candidate, Texas Gov. Rick Perry, center is surrounded by security, right, and supporters after a news conference, Tuesday, Sept. 20, 2011, in New York. (AP Photo/Mary Altaffer)

UPDATE: "Everyone Knows" Aaron Schock Is "Def. Gay"

Might as well just blurt it out in the headline, right? So anyway, the fun thing about living in the DC area is that you can run into somebody who knows something just anywhere: in the laundromat, the 7-11, the dog park, the "full-release but no kissing" massage parlor... you know, anywhere! Remember that big deal thing I published about Larry Craig that got so much attention? My source was simply a casual drinking buddy, somebody I knew from being out 'n' about. And so it is with Secret Pony Source Blacky (not his/her real name), who reports, "I’ve become friends with a couple of guys who work on the hill- we [engage in totally mundane activity together].  One of the guys is the press spokesman for a congressman. He ascertained that Schock is def. gay, and that word on the street in Peoria, from staffers who have worked in Schock’s office, is that everyone knows." So there you have it, the least schocking news ever. Hairdressers! Are you discreet, cute, in denial about being "straight-acting/looking," and don't mind never getting invited to your boyfriend's boring work things? Those abs could be yours.

Just thought I'd pass that along.

New to this blog? Click here for more fun with Gay Aaron Schock™! 

Why Am I Censoring This Picture Of Aaron Schock?

Easy answer: if I show the uncensored picture of abtacular, pectastic Aaron Schock from Men's Health, this will look like a GAY blog, and this isn't, strictly speaking, a GAY blog.  In fact, I generally don't even use the word GAY on this blog, because, you know, children are reading it*, and it's bad to use the word GAY around impressionable children. Also, if I put that picture of him on this blog, it'll look like an advertisement for a GAY cruise line, or a GAY health club, or International Male (not strictly a GAY company).

Also, just because Aaron Schock is immaculately plucked, tweezed, sculpted and buffed to a high sheen, it doesn't mean he's GAY, just that he's ultra-narcissistic, which isn't a trait of young GAY single men at all, any more than wearing a violet gingham shirt with a teal cloth belt and "hustler white" jeans is a sign of GAYness.

Plus, as Salon points out, "Schock's politics are so trenchantly homophobic that no amount of muscle definition can blind us to this fact." So true! Because as we all know, nothing says "I am not a GAY politician" quite like being against all pro-GAY legislation.

So there you have it: there is no evidence that Aaron Schock is GAY, much less GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY OMG SO GAY.

You know who should interview not-GAY Aaron Schock about this injustice? Fox News' Chad Pergram.

*When I first started this blog, I tried to make it seem like a blog for kids, but wasn't able to maintain the tone. When I recently visited Arizona, my young nephews who, like all good children, use the word "gay" as a pejorative, said, "Your blog is funny," and I thought, "Uhhhhh."

Mark Foley Back Trolling For Hot Republican Jailbait

Ha ha! OK, this article about Mark Foley is automatically funny. He's back on the "GOP scene," and eager to once again surround himself with young people. Neat! There are two very funny lines in the article, first this:

"He has a great message and touched on so many different things and seamlessly did it."

Haw, and I bet he would have touched on so many more different things, given the chance! Also this:

"It obviously feels good to have people care enough to ask me to do it," Foley said.

OBVIOUSLY.

Hot 'n' Spicy GOP Hairdresser Action!

You know, sometimes you're reading a totally boring article, and then suddenly a delightful little fun fact jumps out at you way down the page:

Another Washington gay couple, who requested that their names not be published because the foreign partner is a Latino man currently living in the country under false pretenses and the American partner is a prominent Republican whose identity could easily lead authorities to the other man, said gays and lesbians fall in love in the same unpredictable way as straight people.

Juicy! Who could it be? Here are some more of my guesses:

Sparkle Pony Flashback: March, 2005

My favorite report about Mehlman's coming out is CNN's, where they say that, oh, all the hairdressers are welcoming him with open arms, and then they proceed to quote one –one– hairdresser, from GOProud, natch, doing so.

Well, here's a sampling of other hairdressers welcoming Ken into the fold:

• Blogactive: "Let's not let him get on the gravy train of gay love."
• Joemygod: "Are you feeling very forgiving right now? ARE YOU?"
• Pam Spaulding: "...it's really hard to forgive him for the damage he did to the community by working actively against it for pay for years."
• Michelangelo Signorile: "A dreadful person."
• Queerty: "America's most heinous homosexual."

For what it's worth, here's my official response: What a jerk. Shun him.

Grover Norquist Comes Out, Joins Hairdresser Group

Cute tubby bear Grover finally could resist no longer and joined up with GOProud, the Republican hairdresser group loved by absolutely nobody (until now).

That's basically it; just an excuse to post that picture again, really.

Wardrobe Suggestion For Aaron Schock's Next Garden Party Appearance

UPDATE – Aaron Schock has twatted:

Never thought a pic of me w/ my shirt on would go viral. Learned my lesson and burned the belt.

OK, but what about the violet gingham shirt?

UPDATE: Aaron Schock Gay Outfit Roundup

• Joe.my.god: "Rep Schock would like to remind you that he is totally straight."
• Mike Signorile wonders if  that's how they dress in Peoria and recommends a coordinated bag.
• Americablog: "I mean, seriously, look at him."

I can also say that, based on this site's stats, this picture is now burning up the Facebooks.

UPDATE – I didn't mention this before because I thought it was too obvious, but nobody else has risen to the occasion, so I'll go ahead and point out gingham's strong association with Judy Garland/Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz.

Where Do I Start?

(Photo via Gawker)

Oh, jeez, right. You've seen the picture above by now, haven't you? It's Aaron Schock, Republican congressman from Illinois, at a party dolled up in an outfit unanimously declared by the internets as totally, totally, unbelievably, unequivocally hairdresserish. 

Let's cut to the chase: the internets are correct.

Also! Aaron Schock is a dick.

Consciences cleared,  let's rip this fey, trendy outfit to shreds.

First of all, the shirt. I've gone from zero to really sick of gingham, this year's compulsory pattern, in about four months this year.  This shirt is particularly annoying because the gingham pattern to supersized to novelty proportions. Note, too, the construction: it appears to be fitted, likely with seams in the back. That and the lack of a pocket make it a good choice for Schock to showcase his impressive pecs and abs, something he frequently does, and hey, if you've got it, flaunt it, right? It's simply pure Twinkie™ logic, as is the one-button-unbuttoned-too-many strategy. I mean, honestly, did he think he was at JR's?

And, for goodness' sake, it's violet. Not only is this blatantly gay, but also this-season trendy for menswear. I browsed at Sak's recently, and what I mostly took away from the experience was WHY ARE THEY ALL TRYING SO HARD TO MAKE ME WEAR VIOLET? I was irritated.

And you know what else is hyper trendy right now? 80s revival cloth belts. These are illegal in my world, in part because they are cheap and ugly, but also because they honestly are too gay for me, a blogger who uses the pseudonym Princess Sparkle Pony. The preciousness of Schock's color scheme here, with the bright turquoise popping so stridently with the similarly-keyed violet, is again just so goddamn Twinkie™ that it practically screams OMG THE NEW SCISSOR SISTERS ALBUM JUST CAME OUT AND SO DID I!

Finally, the trousers. As I commented on Gawker, we used to call those "hustler white jeans." Enough said!

So, in conclusion, yes, Aaron Schock's outfit is truly, madly, deeply gay. And trendy. But mainly gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. Granted, this could mean one of two things: Schock is gay, or he has a nelly stylist who dresses him. Evidence strongly suggests the former is correct.

And this makes him even more of a dick.

Maybe Gay (Maybe Not!) Mitch McConnell Looks Frightened To Be In The Same Room With Maybe Lesbian (Maybe Not!) Elena Kagan

Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan, President Obama's choice to replace retiring Justice John Paul Stevens, meets with Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., left, as she makes the rounds with Senate leaders and Judiciary Committee members on Capitol Hill in Washington, Wednesday, May 12, 2010. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)

UPDATE: Charlie Crist's Sad Portrait For Sale On eBay

Sparkle Pony flashback to May 12, 2009, AP Photo

You may remember the poignant photograph shown above from last year. Now you can own this sad, sad piece of Florida history because the painting is for sale on eBay! I kinda want it*! Don't you?

*I'm currently the high bidder at 2,000 smackeroos. Sadly, I don't expect my bid to last. OMG, what if it does? What if I win? Should I donate it to a museum? A pony can dream.

UPDATE – Oy, outbid already.
UPDATE – It's currently up to $5600, but I can't imagine it'll go for much more than that.