Condi Roundup!

It's been a while since we've caught up with America's Princess Diplomat. Sure, I check now and again, but truth is, Condi just isn't up to much these days. It's a little too early still for the inevitable Condi Veep Rumors, so we'll have to make do with what we can get.

Let's go right for the jugular first. Oooh, somebody named Barry Switzer, who I believe is a sportsball celebrity of some kind, had the COLOSSAL NERVE to disparage Condi's presence  on the college football playoff selection committee:

"I don't know if Condoleezza Rice --- I admire her and what she's accomplished but I don't think she's played anywhere and I don't think she coached. Someone's going to have to tell her, direct her where she votes. She certainly doesn't have any first, second, third or fourth-hand knowledge."

WHO IS THIS FANGIRL CHICK? in other words.  "I don't think she's played," he gripes, thinking of, oh, just oodles of opportunities Condi must have had to play tackle football when she was a young lass. Ha ha ha, this Barry Switzer guy is obviously a dick, but he does have a point!

Happier times for Dr. Ferragamo are those times when she gets paid wheelbarrows full of monstrous sums of money to give short, could-do-it-in-her-sleep speeches to unchallenging groups of conventioneers and high school students. So how has that been going?

Very well!

Later this month, for instance, Condi will keynote the exciting and prestigious Josef Korbel School of International Studies Korbel Dinner (whew!) at the University of Denver. Sounds WILD. And then in October she'll keynote (I know, I know, I really shouldn't verb that word. I'll stop) the even more challenging and glamorous sounding Girls Inc. "Invest in a Girl" dinner. I'm predicting lots of texting and eye-rolling from this crowd. (Just kidding! Girls Inc. seems fine?)  I can already compose Condi's "believe in yourself and do what you love" speech in my head, and the young women in the audience will surely react as young women often do when faced with a Condinspirational talk.

Let's look back a little, now. Here's a fun group at the Aspen Institute:

(Christina Capasso/The Aspen Times) 

Condi and Maddie together! That's uncommon. They were boring, sorry. And look! It's adorable, teensy-weensy Robert Gates! It's nice to see Gates out of his neck brace, because the "broken doll" vibe just wasn't working for him. Sorry, that was insensitive.

But! Speaking of Madelaine Albright, and speaking of former secretaries of state, and speaking of Condi, or rather, of not-Condi, this happened today:

(ABC News)

Let's see.... John Kerry, Hilary Clinton, Colin Powell, Maddy... Baker... Kissinger. Somebody's.... missing? This is a hard one. Has an important American secretary of state been omitted? Ooh, I know, I know! George Shultz!  I can't think of anybody else whose opinion matters being left out.

Oh, wait, they forgot Condi, too! ASSHOLES.

This has been your Condi Roundup.

The Decline and Fall of Condi's Empire: The Secretary of State's Shoes, Hairdos, and Fabulous Fashions, Part Four, 2008

Condi's final year was one of withdrawal and repetition. She was officially in re-runs. The word "Annapolis" popped up like a sad jack-in-the-box throughout every speech and interview she was to give right up until the very end. Maybe La Rice's career at the Department of State amounted to more than a string of failures and disappointments punctuated by countless inane photo-ops and vapid media puff-pieces, but if it did, I didn't notice. I liked it just fine!

The big story of the year, I suppose, was the Condi Veep Rumor™. This blog meticulously tracked this non-story right from the tiny seed of its birth, through several mutations and elaborations, right to its death in the glare of the Palin media blitzkrieg.

The highlights from Condi's final days as SoS:

• 01-08: 18% of the US Foreign Service agrees: Condi is great!
• 01-09: Security for Condi's latest Middle Eastern jaunt reported at $25,000 an hour.
• 01-14: Condi enjoys festive beverages, is wary of predatory birds, in Dubai.
• 01-16: Condi loses "Sexiest Woman in Politics" crown to Michelle Obama.
• 01-18: Favorite AP shot of Condi looking wasted.
• 01-23: Reuters Condirazzi concentrates on La Rice's feet, reveals $525 Manolo Blahniks.
• 01-26: Robert Novak touches off unfounded, speculative Condi Veep Rumors.
• 01-26: Oliver North calls Condi "Saleswoman-in-Chief."
• 02-11: Condi on black velvet.
• 02-20: She receives over-sized novelty scissors.
• 02-20: Much better Africa trip this time as Condi is surrounded by half-naked men (see below).
• 02-27: There's one of those diabolical gusts of wind again.

• 03-05: Condi and Olmert invent the meta-photo-op.
• 03-10: Condi meets a friendly furry.
• 03-17: The New Yorker wishes for some Condi Veep Rumors.
• 03-12: Reuters' Condirazzi upskirt contest still underway.
• 03-26: Steve Clemmons really gets the Condi Veep Rumors ball rolling with two totally speculative stories which will later mutate into "credible" rumors. Denials ensue immediately.
• 04-01: Condicising given most lavish attention yet. Invisible friend becomes visible.
• 04-03: George 'n' Condi at NATO: failing is so much fun!
• 04-07: Thandie Newton pledges to find her inner Condi for Oliver Stone.
• 04-08: Eugene Robinson wishes for the Condi Veep Rumors to come true, like me, for all the wrong reasons.
• 04-08: Condi Veep Rumor sideshow tent explodes.
• 04-11: Further Condi Veep Rumors investigations, and grateful Afghans present Condi with a souvenir paperweight.
• 04-14: Maddy 'n' Condi share an awkward moment.
• 04-14: PSP and Condi join forces to stave off Condi Veep Rumors.
• 04-17: Unlike Nancy Pelosi, Condi does not get to kiss the Pope's ring.
• 04-21: Condi's antleriffic makeover. Advantage: more photogenic. Disadvantage: can no longer fit on helicopter.
• 04-21: Condi receives cheap t-shirt from obese sheik (see below).
• 04-25: Bush 'n' Condi's supreme gross-out photo-op.
• 04-28: She frightens a defenseless American Idol contestant, forces photo-op.

• 05-08: Condi is clearly coasting in neutral.
• 05-13: Sunday shows award Condi "most boring" trophy.
• 05-20: "Princess Rolletta" is Condi's Taco Bell rap name.
• 05-22: PSP is unable to confirm rumors that State Dept. staffers are drawing mustaches on Condiportraits.
• 05-30: Condi joins the Kiss Army.

• 06-18: Al Kamen: Condi ignored by everybody now.
• 06-26: Japan declares torture "Condilicious."
• 06-30: Gorgeous photo-ops make up for total pointlessness of Condi's trip to China.
• 07-02: Condi offered as credible source of diplomatic advice to X-box players.
• 07-14: A dream date with Condi finally has a price tag: $750,000.
• 07-21: Late to the party but eager to please, Pravda prints Bush/Condi rumors.
• 07-28: Thandie/Condi hybrid revealed to a hysterically laughing public. Maybe she should have used a mask?

• 08-15: Condi brings photo-ops to wounded Georgians.
• 08-19: If you thought the Thandie/Condi hybrid was bad... Condi the Barbarian is worse.
• 08-19: Possible evidence of Condi skulking around my neighborhood.
• 08-21: Condi states that Poland needs missiles to protect itself from... North Korea.
• 09-05: Condi meets Daffy, her sole positive diplomatic accomplishment in four years.
• 09-08: CNN digs for Sarah Palin compliments from Condi, comes up dry.
• 09-09: Condi complains there aren't enough blacks at the DoS.
• 09-09: PSP investigation concludes that there are plenty of blacks at DoS, Condi just never sees them.
• 09-22: The Black Snob™ does an exhaustive Condi/Michelle Obama comparison so I don't have to.
• 09-24: Fame-hungry journalist Ian Halperin creates fanciful new retrospective Condi Veep Rumors by misreading and misunderstanding all the old Condi Veep Rumors.
• 09-28: Condi creates pandemonium at a New York City nail salon.

• 10-04: George burns Condi, makes trip to India more pointless than usual.
• 10-07: Bulgaria creates the most horrifying Condi effigy yet.
• 10-14: PSP theorizes that Condi has turned the DoS into an empty husk.
• 10-15: Umpteenth Middle East trip canceled so Condi can "help with the economic crisis."
• 10-18: Iraqis stage puppet show in honor of Condi.
• 10-22: "So when I want to feel really on top of things, I wear red."
• 10-22: And when she wants to feel really, really on top of things, she makes out with Maria Shriver.
• 10-26: Fake Condi/49ers rumors briefly surface.
• 11-05: Condi gets teary about Obama, but won't admit to voting for him.
• 11-06: Mean reporters keep talking about Condi's failures in the past tense.
• 11-11: Condi is queen for a night thanks to Glamour Magazine and Oscar de la Renta:

• 11-18: Condi deploys Ken Griffey, Jr. as her final sports star against terror.
• 11-24: Mean reporters persist in asking Condi how it feels to be a failure.
• 12-01: With the sands running out of the hourglass, Condi finally meets the Queen.
• 12-08: Condi gets to wear a $Gazillion in emeralds to impress Morgan Freeman.
• 12-10: NPR asks Condi if she'll miss "the blogs that follow your hairstyles and shoes." She responds, "I think I can live without that, thank you very much." PSP senses sarcasm.
• 12-22: Condi admits Bush Administration's standing in the Arab world "not great," but that didn't stop them from showering her with expensive presents.
• 12-28: Middle Eastern Shoe Art Renaissance finally embraces Condi, as predicted:

Bonus! 2009 Roundup:

• 01-12: Bush and Olmert burn Condi one last time, for old time's sake.
• 01-13: Condi stalked, taunted at Watergate beauty parlor.
• 01-15: She gives George two commemorative plaques, thanks for all the memories.
• 01-16: Condi waves goodbye to the State Department and has her final photo-op with, natch, Tzipi Livni.

And that's that! She came in with boots on her feet and left with a shoe taped to her head. What will Condi get up to next during this exciting new chapter in her life? Stay tuned to Princess Sparkle Pony, where I will STILL keep track of Condoleezza's hairdo so you don't have to.

Here's 2005, 2006, 2007.

It's All a Blur

U.S. President George W. Bush shakes hands with Peru's Foreign Minister Jose Garcia Belaunde as Peru's President Alan Garcia kisses U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during their meeting at the APEC summit in Lima November 23, 2008. REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque (PERU)

Oh, this is going to be a very long, drawn-out swan song for Dr. Ferragamo. From now on, she's going to hear nothing but variations of the following two questions: How does it feel to be a failure? Have you picked a title for the book?

Indeed:

QUESTION: Is there any sense of disappointment at unfinished business?
QUESTION: Is the meeting with Olmert just a farewell, or is it more?
QUESTION: Is this your last summit, also, Madam Secretary?

And meanest of all:

QUESTION: Are you looking forward to transition meetings with Senator Clinton?

HAW! So mean, right? But, please, can we get to the product placement part? Say no more:

QUESTION: And after January 20th what are you going to do?

SECRETARY RICE: Get back west of the Mississippi as fast as I can. I'm going back to Stanford/Hoover. I will write a book or two, or so. I am going to also get reconnected to some issues that I was involved in before. You have to remember that before taking on the national security job I actually was not doing foreign policy for six years, I was provost at Stanford.

I am a major advocate for K-12 education. I started a nonprofit in 1992 that's now got five centers. And I want to work on those issues because -- you know, it's been great, this is a fabulous country and there is no greater honor than representing this country. And you recognize that we are really -- we are respected, maybe even a little feared through military power; admired, maybe even a little envied for economic power. But fundamentally admired for the sense that in America it really doesn't matter where you came from, it matters where you're going; and that people of humble circumstance do rise to the top.

...

QUESTION: Will your book be an autobiography?

SECRETARY RICE: I don't know, Sheryl, I'm still -- right now I'm still trying to get through the next few weeks and then I'll sit down and think about it.

Will her book be an autobiography? Duh.

So, you know, we'll be seeing plenty of Condi from the sounds of it. Also, I like how she said that this is a fabulous country because it's so totally true! Yay!

Sunday Shoutyheads Find Condi Wanting

TV Week just released this neat study about, like, rating the pundits 'n' such. They asked bookers, producers, hosts, etc., and OMG, so mean to Condi! She goes out of her way to ruin a Sunday for them, and they say things like this:

In some cases, administration officials, some of them once highly sought-after as guests, now are seen as being on perpetual spin cycle for so long their cachet has been wrung dry.

And in some cases, the officials clearly are deliberately keeping their profiles low. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, said one newsmaker veteran, is laying so low, “She’s under the rug in the living room.”

Ha ha! Wow, is it just me, or are people starting to write accurately about Condi more and more often? Is the era of the Condi Puff Piece over?

OK, but back to TV Week's thing. Did America's Princess Diplomat win any of the individual categories in this Talking Head beauty pageant? Of course she did:

DOESN’T MAKE THE NEWS THEY PROBABLY SHOULD:

Leading vote-getter: Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice “never says anything.” “Everybody got really tired of the spin.”

Tired of the spin? Are they insane? Later, somebody also says she “just goes through life with talking points.” Ungrateful! At least she gets her props for being chatty in the green room. Other humorous results:

UNDER THE MISTAKEN IMPRESSION THAT THEY ARE THE BIGGEST GET

Leading vote-getter: Sen. Charles Schumer, D-N.Y., long known for being drawn like a moth to the television spotlight.

THE HARDEST TO GET

Leading vote-getter: Vice President Dick Cheney. “He doesn’t give a s***. He’s checked out,” said one respondent. “I don’t know what he does all day,” said another.

Coverup

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, left, shakes the hand of former Georgetown and NBA star Patrick Ewing, right, before the Georgetown Louisville college basketball game, Saturday, March 8, 2008, in Washington. Georgetown won 55-52. (AP Photo/Nick Wass)

Condi had a sports day yesterday! That's a good thing, because the past seven days have been just awful for the poor, under-appreciated diplamazon, as you'll see in this week's Condi Roundup when it's up (EDIT: It's up!). What the heck is she wearing, though? A tartan blazer? Oh, no, Condi, no.

Sensing the horrible fashion error she was committing, a helpful furry in the crowd came forward and offered Condi a coverup:

(Reuters)

That's better! And speaking of coverups! Tomorrow, the long-awaited The Commission comes out! If you haven't read last Friday's excerpt yet, do so now!

And finally this morning, I wish I could show you a picture of Helen Thomas impersonating Condi at Saturday's Gridiron thingy, but, alas, apparently the spectacle was too frightening for photographers to document. I do, however, have a photo of Condi's interesting outfit:

Tanks for Everything, Condi!

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice briefs the media during a NATO foreign ministers meeting at the alliance's headquarters in Brussels March 6, 2008. (Francois Lenoir/Reuters)

I love the above picture from yesterday's NATO thingy, because it looks like Condi's in the middle of a real war. Fun! And in a way, she is! But fear not, Pony Pals, because it's just a backdrop. This one kinda gives away the whole conceit:

But speaking of war zones, another excerpt from Philip Shenon's anti-Condi "The Commission" was published by the Sydney Morning Herald today, and if the title, "They knew, but did nothing" doesn't give the whole game away, I don't know what could. Alas, this is not good PR for Dr. Ferragamo:

The team's investigators began to match up the information in the senior briefings and they pulled together a timeline of the headlines just from the senior briefings in the northern spring and summer:

"Bin Ladin Planning Multiple Operations" (April 20)and "Bin Ladin Threats Are Real" (June 30)It was especially troubling for Hurley's team to realise how many of the warnings were directed to the desk of one person: Condoleezza Rice, the National Security Adviser. Emails from the National Security Council's counter-terrorism director, Richard Clarke, showed that he had bombarded Rice with messages about terrorist threats. He was trying to get her to focus on the intelligence she should have been reading each morning in the presidential and senior briefings

"Bin Ladin Public Profile May Presage Attack" (May 3)

"Terrorist Groups Said Co-operating on US Hostage Plot" (May 23)

"Bin Ladin's Networks' Plans Advancing" (May 26)

"Bin Ladin Attacks May Be Imminent"

(June 23)

"Bin Ladin and Associates Making Near-Term Threats" (June 25)

"Bin Ladin Planning High-Profile

Attacks" (June 30),

"Planning for Bin Ladin Attacks Continues, Despite Delays" (July 2)

Gosh, how totally vague! No wonder Condi ignored all those boring reports. I mean, get to the point already!

Quickie: "D" for Effort

OK, so you know what I think about Condi; you know what George Bush thinks of Condi; you kinda know what Elizabeth Bumiller thinks of Condi (OK, not really). But what do all her diplopals think of Our Heroine? Not much. Ow.

Rush Limbaugh Probably Not a Pony Pal™

Rush Limbaugh came up with a novel defense of the art of really, really mean Hillary-bashing today: she deserves it because of all the really, really mean things people say about Condi!

So the testicle lockbox is about emasculating -- of course it is! I mean, look at the steely eyed stare. Where are the stories that have been all over the place this past year that Mrs. Clinton isn't likable, that she is threatening to people, very demanding. Here's another thing. If you stop and think about all of the grief that the Drive-By Media en masse have given Condoleezza Rice, my gosh, folks. They have cartooned her and caricatured her as an Aunt Jemima, as nothing more than a Bush lapdog. They have written things and drawn things of Condoleezza Rice that, had they been done by a conservative of a liberal black woman, we would still be hearing about it, and that conservative cartoonist would have been drummed out of the media.

I'm not sure I totally follow that, but I sure am relieved I've never the Aunt Jemima thing. Thanks for the idea!

UPDATE! Edited to include this refreshing analysis from one of the commenters at One News Now:

America is headed down the ole vortex.This has been the most blessed nation ever.America has sinned by allowing homosexauls to marry and defending them will pay for her sins along with the likes of that old reprobate Ted Kennedy.Now condi rice along with our president are trying to divide Jerusalm Gods City with the palestinians.These people(Condi and Bush) are messing with the chosen people of God and will pay the price for their betrayal.It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.America has gotton so smart that she has outsmarted herself.God save us from this crooked perverse crooked generation.

My goodness! Condi, how could you? But, you know, it's just another one of those things which goes to show that when somebody refers to the right wing, you really have to ask now which right wing they mean.

Dinner Date

Belgium's Foreign Affairs Minister Karel De Gucht, right, poses for photographers with US State Secretary Condoleezza Rice, left, prior attending a Transatlantic working dinner held at the Egmont Palace in Brussels, Thursday Dec. 6, 2007. (AP Photo/Thierry Charlier)

Condi kinda has a handsome date tonight! We'll see if anything sprouts! That's a Brussels joke!

Also today, she got Germany and France to agree that even if Iran isn't hell-bent on having nukes, like, tomorrow, that they're still rascals who simply can't be trusted, so it's sanctions for them. Way to go, Condi!

Who's saying mean things about Condi today? This guy at Voice of America says that Condi's visit to Africa was not only a waste of time, but a distraction, too! The nerve!

We Have a Contender...

...for the meanest article about Condi EVER. It's in The Guardian, and you can read it here. I don't have the time to comment on it now, but I just wanted to post the link so that people would stop emailing me about it! I'll update this post later.

Quickie: Hairdresser Saying Mean Things About Condi?

Hey, stop it, that's my job!

LOL.

*ahem*

But anyway, Diplopoofter retires, trashes Condi at party.

"God Rays" Await Condi in Ethiopia

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice flies Tuesday to Addis Ababa to consult regional leaders and ministers about how to defuse tensions and conflicts in the Horn of Africa, the Great Lakes and Sudan.(AFP/File/Jose Cendon)

Totally weird choice of picture, isn't it? Thou shalt send Condi! But, ha ha, the headline for the story says it all: Low expectations as Rice heads to Ethiopia to defuse African conflicts.

There's that low expectations thing again! It's exciting that she's going to Africa, though. Will there be some fun photo-ops? Will colorful fabrics be involved? Stay tuned!

UPDATE: Here's a hilariously sarcastic editorial about Condi's African Pitstop on an Eritrean web site. I think her reputation precedes her:

Putting Africa to rights in 24 hours: that is Condoleezza Rice's optimistic assignment this week. If last week's Middle East talks in Annapolis proved anything, it was that complicated, age-old conflicts cannot be solved, or even credibly set on the road to solution, in a single day.

Undeterred by this obvious truth, Condoleezza Rice arrives in Ethiopia's capital, Addis Ababa on Wednesday intent on putting Africa to rights. For this ambitious task, the US secretary of state is allowing 24 hours out of her busy schedule.

Don't Drink the Grape Flavor-Aid

US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice(R) listens as former NATO commander General Jim Jones speaks after being introduced as special envoy for Middle East security, focusing on Palestinian and Israeli security issues at the State Department in Washington, DC. Jones will assist the Palestinians to "better design a security concept" for the future country they want to create, Rice told reporters.(AFP/Tim Sloan)

A what? A security concept? Once again, Madame Secretary's ability to wax meaningless leaves me bewildered and impressed. Good luck, General Jim!

But forget Jim Jones, because ooooooh, I just can't believe all the mean things Maureen Dowd said about Condi today! OMG! And it's totally unfair, because she gets all her dirt from coworker Elizabeth Bumiller's book which isn't even published yet. But anyway, if there are more gems like the following, maybe Bumiller's book will be worth reading after all:

...in another instance of spectacular willful ignorance, she was blindsided by the Hamas win in the Palestinian elections.

As she described it to Bumiller, she went upstairs at 5 a.m. the morning after the Palestinian elections in 2006 to the gym in her Watergate apartment to exercise on her elliptical machine. She saw the news crawl reporting the Hamas victory.

“I thought, ‘Well, that’s not right,’ ” she said. She kept exercising for awhile but finally got off the elliptical trainer and called the State Department. “I said, ‘What happened in the Palestinian elections?’ and they said, ‘Oh, Hamas won.’ And I thought, ‘Oh, my goodness*! Hamas won?’ ”

When she couldn’t reach the State Department official on the ground in the Palestinian territories, she did what any loyal Bushie would do: She got back on the elliptical.

“I thought, might as well finish exercising,” Rice told Bumiller. “It’s going to be a really long day.” It was one of the few times she was prescient on the Middle East.

*I totally read that as OMG, didn't you?

Condi's Ineffective Bitchiness towards Dick Cheney Revealed!

Condi with the Cheneys, 05-07-07, AP Photo

The New York Times has an *exclusive* excerpt from Elizabeth Bumiller's upcoming Condiography. The excerpt shows that the book will be every bit as surprising and fascinating as Glenn Kessler's The Confidante. Woo hoo. The best part, other than Bush calling her "Madame", is when Condi gets all bitchy about Dick Cheney, moaning to George about him getting all power-grabby 'n' such:

In August 2002, Ms. Rice went to Mr. Bush to tell him that Mr. Cheney had to be reined in after the vice president gave a speech to a Veterans of Foreign Wars convention in Nashville that effectively threatened war with Saddam Hussein and asserted that there was “false comfort” in sending United Nations weapons inspectors to Iraq.

And as we all know, Condi prevailed, Cheney was reined in, and war was averted. Hooray for Condi!

Condi Inspires New-Fangled Hebrew Pejorative

Pony Pal™ Breonne directed my wandering gaze to this article in today's New York Times. In it, Steve Erlanger mostly writes about how Condi's always doing things, but never really getting anything done. We've discussed this once or twice on this blog! Sometimes I get a little frustrated that others don't talk about this more! The article reveals, though, that the clever Israelis have worked this fact into the very core of their language:

The long buildup to Annapolis, together with Ms. Rice’s many trips to the region, have given birth to a new verb in Israeli government circles: “lecondel,” meaning, to come and go for meetings that produce few results. The word is based on Ms. Rice’s first name.

Neato, Condi! That's a cool cornerstone upon which to build your glittery legacy! Yay!

Ever Lost a Day?

Click to enlarge! OMG, the Glamour!

Last week was such an extraordinarily busy Condiweek, I had to practically annex space on another web site to hold all the fun. But I missed some, so we may as well play catch-up. Upon rereading the Condi Roundup, though, I couldn't help but think, "OK, but what about Tuesday, the 30th?

Well, thanks to Pony Pal Daniel, who alerted me to the above photo of Condi's ultraswanky, romantically charged encounter with the Israeli Secretary Minister guy, now we know. The week is complete! As a deluxe, extra-special bonus, you must click the above photo to get the full impact of the fantastically glamorous diplomatic event. Bravo! They were so totally lucky photographers were there!

Also, I read and reread the mean article by Fred Kaplan everybody was talking about in Sunday's Washington Post. Well, it turns out that Condi used to be vaguely sensible, but eventually sold out to Bush's influence and it's been downhill ever since. Who knew? We're going to have to get used to endless variations on this article to come.

Oh, and speaking of pointless reiterations, Did you know that Elizabeth Bumiller took, like, five years off to research a biography Condi? I totally can. Not. Wait. In it, Bumiller, filling the gap left by such a complete dirth of Condiographical information about the publicity-shy secretary of state, reveals facts about Condi's Alabama upbringing, and how it ends up that Condi used to be vaguely sensible, but eventually sold out to Bush's influence and it's been downhill ever since. It is sure to be a gripping read! I wonder if it will have the part where she's flattered that people want her to run for president, but her dream job is to be NFL commissioner? And the part where she argued with Cheney? Those are the funnest parts! The world wants to know!

So she's been lying low the past couple of days, no doubt recuperating from the exausting activities and travails and darts and mean or bored people writing either mean or redundant things about her. Girl needs a salon day.

George Reveals Techniques for Keeping Uppity Condi in Her Place

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, right, meets with Dermot Ahern, Minister of Foreign Affairs of Ireland at the State Department in Washington, Wednesday, Oct. 3, 2007. (AP Photo/Lawrence Jackson)

Yes, yes, standard matching armchairs stuff, OK? And she's wearing that oddball yellow houndstooth suit with the exaggerated frayed seams, the one in which she tried to woo hunky Canadian diploguy Peter MacKay in. I hope it works better with this one!

But anyway, George Bush is such an asshole! I'm sorry, but I just had to blurt that out! Here's what he had to say today about how he treats his Mocha Princess:

”I delegate to good people. I always tell Condi Rice, ‘I want to remind you, Madam Secretary, who has the Ph.D. and who was the C student. And I want to remind you who the adviser is and who the president is.’

I don't think I've ever had a boss say something like that to me, the meany! Oh! I am just livid!

It's OK, Condi, Because the Wire Service Photographers Will Always be There for You When All the TV Stations Reject You

OMG, snubbed! This is a scorned woman:

U.S. Secretary of State, Condoleeza Rice speaks to reporters after a Quartet Principals meeting at U.N. Headquarters in New York Sunday, Sept. 23, 2007 (AP Photo/David Karp)

Condi usually doesn't work work on Sundays; she usually just does the spokesmodeling thing on the network blabfests. So what's she doing at this totally boring UN thingy? I mean, what? And this is where it gets a little bitchy because Howard Kurtz had to go and say all these mean things about our Princess Diplomat. And I mean really, really mean:

No Dice on Rice

The secretary of state has always been considered a prize catch for the Sunday talk shows. But when the White House offered Condoleezza Rice for appearances eight days ago, after a week focused on Iraq, two programs took the unusual step of turning her down.

Executives at CBS and NBC say Rice no longer seems to be a key player on the war and that her cautious style makes her a frustrating guest.

"I expected we'd just get a repetition of the administration's talking points, which had already been well circulated," says Bob Schieffer, host of CBS's "Face the Nation," who questioned two senators instead. "We'd had a whole week of that with General Petraeus and President Bush. I thought it was more important to get a sense of where the Senate Republicans were."

Tim Russert, moderator of "Meet the Press," who also hosted two senators, declined to comment on why he turned down Rice.

"She was happy to have her Sunday morning back," says State Department spokesman Sean McCormack. "There are lots of weekends where we're getting urgent phone calls requesting her to be on Sunday shows."

Footnote: None of the five shows turned down Hillary Clinton yesterday, although there was grumbling about the lack of exclusivity.

OMG, right? Can you believe that Schieffer, Russert... even that Rastapopolis guy, I bet... like they have better things to do than have a girly chat with -- Hello!-- Condoleezza Rice?

So that's why she was at that stupid dullsville event yesterday that was way too boring, but you know what? At least she got her look put back together. I think that Saturday she had a spa day, because on Friday she was a ghastly rough thing (we'll get back to that, alas), so Condi was lookin' good (although it could be, of course, the labor-saving, Disneytronic Condibot).

Today, Condi still looks good, and she stood behind a podium at some Earth Day thingy or something, and managed her usual impressive feat of saying just loads 'n' loads of stuff containing no actual content:

Condoleezza Rice, US Secretary of State speaks at a high-level event on climate change titled "Innovating a climate-friendly world: the role of technology and dissemination" at U.N. Headquarters in New York, Monday, Sept. 24, 2007. (AP Photo/David Karp)

Finally, and this is a doozy: I've been a terribly negligent pony. It's true! Properly, there should have been a Condoleezza Hairdo Alert System... um... alert, because, OK, on Friday? Utter hairdo nadir. It was really bad, and I was on pins 'n' needles all weekend. Actually, that's totally a lie. The whole thing played out over the weekend while I was doing other things! And that's where the system breaks down! It's totally a metaphor for the Iraq war or the holocaust or whatever. I blame bush.

But, OK... here's a picture from Friday:

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice receives a kiss from French Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchner following their joint news conference at the State Department in Washington, Friday, Sept. 21, 2007. (AP Photo/Susan Walsh)

Ew. You can't really see it very well, but that hairdo is about to fall off her head. Compare it to the top picture!

Are you ready for the big reveal? Here's how bad the coiffure had gotten on Friday:

(Reuters/Jim Young)

OMG helmetty! So, obvs, that was the ultimate denouement of that hairdo cycle, wouldn't you say?

But that's all in the past, because a vital mission has been completed, one which overshadows all the other petty little skirmishes happening all over the globe: Condi's hairdo has been successfully stabilized.

And that's how the Condiweek starts! And, OMG, Condi? If you're reading this, you totally shouldn't care about your TV career being kinda washed-up right now, because the Associated Press, Reuters, Getty Images, Corbis, AFP... they'll never leave you (I hope).

Is This Mrs. Condi?

Ha! Probably not, because, alas, it's a fallen world. Read all about the latest revelations from Kessler's Condiography here!

I... just don't really know what to think!

Condi Flies to Norway to Hide from Henry Waxman

The US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice alights from the plane as she arrives at Gardermoen Airport outside Oslo Wednesday April 25, 2007, to participate in the Informal meeting of NATO Foreign Ministers in Oslo on April 26 and 27. (AP photo / Bjoern Sigurdsoen, SCANPIX)

Good thinking, Dr. Ferragamo! Do you think we'll get a Condi 'n' Ursula meet-up? A Condi 'n' Micheline confab? Poor Condi: she trying the best she can (really), and all these mean people want her to respond to their silly letters and to totally appear in Congress and -- Really! Who do they think they are? Get on a plane, girl, and fly, fly away from those awful people.