The Many Moods Of Mitch McConnell

(Both photos 12-04-10, AP)

What She Said

I like this woman! Politico's "Arena," where important questions are met by talking points and press releases from a diverse group of hacks, lobbyists, publicists, and other compulsive faxers, today asked if it was "refreshing" that John Boehner and Mitch McConnell had promised an agenda of total, nihilistic obstructionism rather than "the usual platitudes about bipartisanship and working across the aisle." Harvard sociologist Theda Skocpol decided to pull the rug out from under the question and rose to the occasion with the best, sassiest, most withering answer I've ever seen on the site:

Is this question a joke? When one of the country's two major political parties announces that it has no intention of joining in trying to solve the major problems the nation faces, that is an obvious scandal. POLITICO is enabling U.S. decline by implying otherwise. No country with 10+ percent unemployment, decaying infrastructure, major wars to fight and educational and health crises can survive the sort of political extremism for obstructionist purposes that the GOP is willfully and proudly engaging in. Only the super rich who want mansions in enclaves at home or abroad benefit from this.

Americans of all persuasions have said they do not want this, but media outlets continue to use fake "debates" like this for marketing purposes.

Don't you just want to give her a hug?

John Boehner Is Concerned About Tanning Salons, Obviously

FILE - In this June 16, 2010 file photo, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell of Ky., center, flanked by House Minority Leader John Boehner of Ohio, right, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nev., is seen on Capitol Hill in Washington. (AP Photo/Carolyn Kaster, File)

At least somebody knows on which side their bread is (cocoa) buttered! Rich, mahogany colored John Boehner is going to stick up for the hideously beleaguered tanning salon owners of America, otherwise known as "the downtrodden":

ObamaCare’s first tax increase-a 10 percent tax-starts today. This $2.7 billion tax is the first of ObamaCare’s $569 billion tax increase.

The new tax adds 10 percent to the cost of tanning services businesses provide. Some 30 million Americans visit a tanning salon at least once a year and 75 percent of the employees and customers are women, according to industry sources.

Out of the approximately 19,000 professional indoor tanning salons, more than 50 percent are owned by women and employ approximately 160,000 workers.

According to this Wall Street Journal article, ObamaCare’s tanning tax is causing all kinds of problems for business owners who provide tanning services as well as other products or those who include tanning services as part of a gym membership.

This is such an outrage.

If Mr. Boehner wants less expensive tanning, normally I'd recommend a trip to sunny Arizona, but if he goes there, either he'll get racially profiled by an overzealous police officer, or worse (?), he'll get decapitated by swarming Mexicans. Either way, maybe it's time for him to invest in his own private tanning bed?

Grover Norquist Snubs Sarah Palin, Michael Steele

Debbie Doan, left, posses for a photo for her husband Gary Doan, not pictured, with a cutout of Sarah Palin in the vendor area of the Republican Party of Texas convention in Dallas, Friday, June 11, 2010. (AP Photo/LM Otero)

Keeping track of who is with whom in the GOP is a lot like watching Survivor or Big Brother: at first it's hard to tell the contestants apart, but eventually their alliances become so obvious that watching it play out gets boring.

And nowhere else are these alliances made more obvious than in Politico's "Arena," the most insidery part of their already painfully insidery site. One of their most recent questions is one that has been asked many times lately: just who, if not Fox News*, is leading the Republican Party anyway?

Anti-tax bear Grover Norquist's answer is amusing first because of the sad sacks he lists as leaders in their respective positions: John Boehner, Mitch McConnell, Chris Christie, Rick Perry, Mitch Daniels (?!), Marco Rubio, Meg Whitman, Carly Fiorina (yes!), Newt Gingrich, Tim Pawlenty... even Mitt Romney! Of course, by listing so many people, Grover makes it more obvious that there's no leader.

Conspicuously absent: the party's actual, ostensible leader (Michael Steele. Remember him?) and the Mama Grizzly from Alaska. Ouch!

To be fair to Norquist, though, he's probably too distracted these days, playing with his new hairdresser buddies.

*IMG's Steve Steckler offers this howler:

This is nonsense. Most Republicans don't watch Fox News, even if Fox's viewers tend to be somewhat more Republican than Democratic.

Most Republicans don't watch Fox News? Is he being intentionally hilarious?

Maybe Gay (Maybe Not!) Mitch McConnell Looks Frightened To Be In The Same Room With Maybe Lesbian (Maybe Not!) Elena Kagan

Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan, President Obama's choice to replace retiring Justice John Paul Stevens, meets with Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., left, as she makes the rounds with Senate leaders and Judiciary Committee members on Capitol Hill in Washington, Wednesday, May 12, 2010. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)

What Part Of His Body Will Mitch McConnell Eat Next Once He's Finally Finished The Years-Long Process Of Devouring His Own Lips?

(Photo: Newscom.com via Talking Points Memo, no date provided.)

Seriously, I want to know! Nose or chin? Or do you think he'll go for something more distant from his mouth, like his toes or nipples?

It reminds me of this wonderful poem from Monty Python's Big Red Book (Methuen, 1971):

Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay
Horace ate himself one day.
He didn't stop to say his grace,
He just sat down and ate his face.
"We can't have this!" his Dad declared,
"If that lad's ate, he should be shared."
But even as he spoke they saw
Horace eating more and more:
First his legs and then his thighs,
His arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
"Stop him someone!" Mother cried
"Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
But all too late, for they were gone,
And he had started on his dong...
"Oh! Foolish child!" the father mourns
"You could have deep-fried that with prawns,
Some parsley and some tartar sauce..."
But H. was on his second course:
His liver and his lights and lung,
His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue;
"To think I raised him from the cot
And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
His Mother cried: "What shall we do?
What's left won't even make a stew..."
And as she wept, her son was seen
To eat his head, his heart, his spleen.
And there he lay: a boy no more,
Just a stomach, on the floor...
None the less, since it was his
They ate it – that's what haggis is.

Mitch McConnell Hand Turkeys

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell of Ky., accompanied by House Minority Leader John Boehner of Ohio, gestures while talking to reporters outside the White House in Washington, Wednesday, April 14, 2010, following a meeting between President Barack Obama and Congressional leaders. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Mitch McConnell Experiences Total Enlightenment, Snaps Out of It

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., speaks at the Republican National Committee (RNC) meeting in Washington, Thursday, Jan. 29, 2009. (AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

Is it possible for Republicans to learn from their mistakes, to have moments of self-recognition and clarity? Yes! But those moments are brief and die quickly. Here's renowned closet case Mitch "Froggy" McConnell speaking to the RNC yesterday:

"We’re all concerned about the fact that the very wealthy and the very poor, the most and least educated, and a majority of minority voters, seem to have more or less stopped paying attention to us," the Kentucky Republican said on the second day of the four-day gathering.

"And we should be concerned that, as a result of all this, the Republican Party seems to be slipping into a position of being more of a regional party than a national one."

Wow, that "regional party" line, that's what we've all been saying lately! Is McConnell supposed to be saying this stuff out loud? He goes on:

"Too often we’ve let others define us," McConnell said. "And the image they’ve painted isn’t very pretty. Ask most people what Republicans think about immigrants, and they’ll say we fear them. Ask most people what we think about the environment, and they’ll say we don’t care about it. Ask most people what we think about the family, and they’ll tell you we don’t — until about a month before Election Day."

Such clarity! Could there be hope for them after all? Ha! Don't worry, he ended up, I guess, getting slapped hard across the face backstage by Sir Tansalot (Boehner), just like you see with hysterical women in old movies. McConnell snapped out of it, thank goodness, calmed down, and proceeded to conclude that they must not change anything about themselves at all:

The Senate Minority Leader, who faced an unexpectedly competitive race last year to retain his seat, told the Republican gathering it's not too late for the party to rebuild itself. But he warned the GOP cannot change its fundamental values in the course of trying to appeal to a wider cross-section of the country.

"You don’t get them back by pretending to be something else," he said. “And you certainly don’t gain voters by running away from the ones that are most loyal. But it’s clear our message isn’t getting out to nearly as many people as it should."

Phew, that was a near thing! He came this close to being on Rush Limbaugh's shit list.

Mitch McConnell's Transformation Into a Human/Amphibian Hybrid Nearly Complete

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) (L) and Senator Judd Gregg (R-NH) hold a news conference about the current banking crisis on Capitol Hill in Washington September 27, 2008. (Yuri Gripas/Reuters)

Ha Ha Ha! Let's Laugh Some More at This Picture of Mitch McConnell Looking Nervously at Larry Craig Just Three Days After Craig's Sexy Toilet Arrest

Sen. Larry Craig, (R-Idaho), front, gestures with Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, during a news conference about theenergy bill, on Capitol Hill, Thursday, June 14, 2007. (AP/Doug Mills, The New York Times)

Why so revolted and scared-looking, Mitch? Why do you seem so uncomfortable in Larry Craig's presence, Mr. Senator? Ha, ha, ha! Wheeee!

McConnell Finally Gets His Halo as Graham and Martinez Seethe Jealously

Sen. Minority Leader Mitch McConnell of Ky., center, flanked by Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C., left, and Sen. Mel Martinez, R-Fla., meets with reporters on Capitol Hill in Washington, Thursday, May 10,2007, after a conference to discuss immigration reform. (AP Photo/Lawrence Jackson)

Oh, they just love standing there and talking, and the photographers know that with just a wee bit of appropriately deferential kneeling --hey, presto!-- instant halo. Everybody wants one.

Look again, though, and you can see the tragic consequence of this perhaps undeserved glory: McConnell is clearly transforming into a frog.

And that's too bad, because it's usually a good idea to go for the halo shot. Where did Mitch get the idea to go for it? Two-and-a-half weeks ago, from --who else?-- Dick Cheney:

Vice President Cheney speaks about the war in Iraq on Capitol Hill, Tuesday, April 24, 2007 as Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., stands at left. (AP Photo/Susan Walsh)

OMGOMGOMG, but speaking of Mitch McConnell? OMG. Here's one you may have missed: do you know who he took to the Queen Party™? He took that Elaine Chao lady, you know that one who is the Secretary of Labor and, I think, a famous comedian or something? Ew:

Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao, left, and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., walk through the Booksellers Area as they arrive for the State Dinner in honor of Queen Elizabeth II and her husband Prince Philip, Monday, May 7, 2007, at the White House in Washington. (AP Photo/Haraz N. Ghanbari)

Are they serious? I mean... just ew.