Thursday, April 30, 2009

Bad Day on the Midway

Collect all 16!

Oh, wow, it was really not a good day to wake up and discover that you've magically transformed into Michael Steele. OMG, would that not suck? It would have totally, totally sucked today if it happened to you, so I hope it didn't, OK?

SO! What's so awesome about Michael is that he is just so down with the slang and the street and the, you know, the hats:

“You wear your hat one way. You like to wear it, you know, kind of cocked to the left, you know, because that's cool out West,” Steele said. “In the Midwest, you guys like to wear it a little bit to the right. In the South, you guys like to wear the brim straight ahead. Now, the Northeast, I wear my hat backwards, you know, because that's how we roll in the Northeast.”

“But what do you recognize?” Steele asked. “We all are wearing the hat that says ‘GOP’ because that's what we believe. That's who we are.”

And you know what? For once, he's absolutely right! That is who they are! Wow!

It's too bad, though, because Michael just talks and talks about hats and uses slang kinda badly and goes on and on and, you know, I'm wondering doesn't he notice all these people around him all the time with puzzled, blank looks on their faces? You know, like, they're half between trying to figure out what the hell he's going on about, and, you know, just totally zoning out and falling asleep. Seriously! Look at pictures of him and you'll see it in the people he's with; they're all, like, What? What? And that's why Steele now has people under him, in his own organization, plotting openly to undermine his authority. Right out in the open! Can you imagine?

And again, I ask you, wouldn't it have sucked to wake up this morning and be Michael Steele? Ha, yes.

And on top of all this indignity, there's a new party in town, and Michael's not invited! Yes, this is the hilariously-titled National Council for a New America, the new GOP group I briefly mentioned yesterday. Basically, it's a PR entity for the participating political hacks, a group of breathtaking diversity : John McCain, Jeb Bush (!!!), Eric Cantor, Bobby Jindal, Haley Barbour, Mitt Romney... you know, all the youthful, intellectual heavyweights. Let's call them the Freshmakers™. Nothing says "born anew" quite like McCain/Bush. But yes, as moronic as this sounds, even they have the sense to not invite Michael Steele to participate, a blatent snub.

Unanswered question: how do they wear their hats? We need to know! Because that's how we roll.

This will surely be the greatest thing for the GOP since Twitter.

PS: Don't call it a comeback!


Anonymous said...

This hat stuff sounds like that bandanna stuff people used to do awhile back. Like, how you wear it means something.... Or is it just me?

karen marie said...


Karen Zipdrive said...

Michael Steele continues:

"Now, we all wears the Republican hats differently, like I say, but the Democrat party, they wear they hats all cattywompus.
Like Obama, he wears a Kanga hat, like, backwards because he all Samuel L. Jackson n' shit.
And Biden, he wear like a baseball cap with a big brim because his hairplugs get sunburn. And Hillary, well she wear a tiara--can ya dig why?(winks) And Janet Neopolitan, she wear a hard hat because she kinda mannish. And then they's Barney Frank, well he wear a rainbow hat for obvious reasons, and Rahm Emanuel, he wear a yamulke and Arlen Specter, well he wear a Benedict Arnold hat, ya dig where I'm comin' from?
All in all, they hats don't match and that's why the Republicans are the off the chain party with the hip hop flava and the tricked out big tent to the max. And Escalades, we got 'em."

Distributorcap said...

i bet michael steele wears condi ferragamos while wearing one of those hats

the look on mika's face during the hat explanation was priceless

dguzman said...

I'd rather have awakened to find I'd been transformed into a gigantic roach than into Michael Steele. Gregor Samsa wouldn't be caught dead among these repugs.