(January 1, AP Photo cropped)
From the second half of 2011 through the first half of 2012, nationwide interest in our Beloved Moon Goddess tripled the traffic to this blog, as Google had no choice but to cough up Princess Sparkle Pony, of course! whenever understandably curious citizens typed "Callista Gingrich hairdo" into their query-hole. And, indeed, Callista's hairdo and Callista herself were both utter delights throughout Newt's awkward, quixotic presidential campaign.
Callistayear 2011 ended with a bang when it was revealed that Calley-Lou's magnificent platinum orb was based upon an uncannily similar prototype from an early 60s Fantastic Four comic book (see above), and so Callistayear 2012 started off with high expectations. I was not to be disappointed.
- January 1: Compelling evidence that wire photographers are now being deliberately mean to Callista.
- January 2: Photographic proof of The Hairdo's immunity from strongly gusting wind.
- January 3: Callista channels Barbara Stanwyck:
- January 9: Ew, Newt 'n' Callista mash noses when they kiss.
- January 13: PSP warns of waning interest in Goddess Callista.
- January 18: Mean New Yorker caricature of Callista? So good. New Yorker article about Callista? Not so good.
- January 22: Newt Gingrich hand turkeys!
- January 23: Interest in our Beloved Moon Goddess and the Platinum Space Helmet suddenly explodes! Hairdo journalism abounds as journalists try desperately to make something, anything, about Callista other than her hairdo interesting. Most will fail.
- January 25: Did Newt's interest in the moon inspire The Hairdo? Or is it the other way around?
- January 26: Concern for The Hairdo intensifies as it becomes apparent that a dangerous on-the-road root job is required.
- January 27: Otherwise serious business journal sets aside business for a moment and gives The Hairdo a rave review.
- January 29: Concern turns to horror as on-the-road root job nearly fries The Hairdo.
- February 1: National Enquirer promises a titillating Callista Lesbian Shocker!
- February 3: Callistamania update includes Vice asking the Gingriches if they had an "open marriage," Financial Times calling Calley-Lou a throwback, and Buzzfeed revealing that her minions obsessively edit her Wikipedia page.
- February 7: French television stole ideas from PSP, while Maureen Dowd, who stood to benefit more by doing so, did not.
- February 9: National Enquirer story turns out to be non-titillating lesbian non-shocker.
- February 12: NY Times describes The Hairdo as a fixed pale-blonde halo.
- February 14: Newt tells crowd of strangers that he's going to fuck Callista for Valentine's Day. Or maybe buy her a bracelet? Do I just have a dirty mind?
- February 18: Catty salesgirls mock Callista.
- February 23: Ew, it's that gross elephant furry again.
- March 6: The Hairdo's resemblance to the Great Wave of Kanagawa noted.
- March 14: Is is just me, or does Callista's hairdo just get better and better as Newt's campaign gets worse and worse.
- March 20: Poll reveals that to know our Beloved Moon Goddess is to dislike our Beloved Moon Goddess.
- March 28: Callista film festival simultaneously thrills, bores.
- April 17: By this point, Callista has become the "Where's Waldo?" of the Gingrich campaign, as they realize people think she's weird and creepy. Their natural response is to relegate her to rooms full of captive children in out of the way places.
- April 25: Tragedy for Callistafans as Newt goes down in flames. My wrap-up: "Eventually Newt will die first, and then the Goddess Callista will be up for grabs!"
- April 30: Now that the boring campaign is over, it's party time!
- May 22: Everybody in the Gingrich family is broke except for... Callista!
- June - September: Four whole months with no Callista! How did we survive?
- October 1: Calley-Lou trots out new Ellis the Elephant book, reminds us that she, herself, is, in fact, boring.*
- November 12: Barbara Walters praises The Hairdo, then hilariously asks Callista and Newt about adultery.
*And that is, really, what we learned about Callista: she is boring. But then how to explain everything above in this post? How can somebody so boring generate so many thrills?
In this case, it really is the hairdo. Even today, it still has a hold on me... an extra super hold.
Next: PSP's year of esoteric, inscrutable and/or dumb comics.