Rarely Have I Seen Such A Majestic Collection Of Search Terms Which Bring You, My Readers, To This Blog

Callista Gingrich's American Exceptionalist Elephant Friend Is, Of Course, Made In China

(Image via Gingrich Productions.)

So about that dumpy, vaguely unsettling elephant costume some poor Callistastaffer has to wear, trailing after her like a mute testimony to American Exceptionalism? How was it formed?

Probably by tiny little hands.

The costume was made by Pole Star International, which makes it likely that Ellis's birthplace was No 8, the North Street of Chen Tian, Baiyun Zone, Guangzhou. GuangDong, China.

Nǐ hǎo, Ellis!

Callista Gingrich Forces Her Hairdressers, Probably At Gunpoint, To Leave Positive Reviews On Amazon

(10-18-14, via the Goddess Callista's Instathing.)

How many more trips to the well can our Beloved Moon Goddess make? Once again, we have a new soft-core patriotism adventure with our favorite twee time-traveling elephant. This time it's Lewis and Clark.

And just as before, I'm wondering who is buying these books?  Let's take a look. Amazon currently has 26 reviews, and just as before, most of these books are being bought for other people's children:

• Ellis is such a delight, as my nieces read along
• I look forward to sharing his newest adventures with my nieces and nephews!
• Perfect birthday gift for our great grandson to encourage patriotism in our young.
• Great educational gift for my younger cousin!
• I gave this book as a gift to my niece and she loved it
• We have loved the series and look forward to more treasured memories sharing this book with our grandchildren.
• I have gifted these books to our little private elementary school.
• Our grandchildren love these books & we have donated the 1st 3 books to a local school library.
• It has been a favorite gift to my grandkids and friends' kids.

So, basically the book is being used as an "American Exceptionalism"  proselytizing tool, as intended.

But what's this? A lot of these reviews are by people who seem to have signed up specifically to give Callista's book a five-star rave.

And, again, I ask: who are these people?

Well, they are her beauticians, for instance.

I spotted one review written by an oddly named person, Wioleta Frackiewicz, and thought, "That's easy to Google." It turns out she's the "Manager/Esthetician at Sugar House Day Spa and Salon" in Alexandria. Finding that led me to noticing that there was another five-star review of Callista's book by a user named "sugar house". What an amazing coincidence!

The next question I asked to myself was, of course, "I wonder where Callista gets her hair done?" For that I turned to the New Yorker:

“Where do you get your hair done?” a red-haired woman asked as she got her book signed.

“At Sugar House in Old Town,” Mrs. Gingrich said quietly, referring to a salon in Alexandria. (Her stylist, Tatjana Belajic, told me she has yet to get a request for “the Callista,” though that would surely change if Mrs. Gingrich became First Lady.)

Another incredible coincidence! 

Another reviewer, Carmen Omiste, is also a hairdresser in Alexandria!

Five-star reviewer Sonya Harrison is not a hairdresser, and she does not manage a day spa, but my goodness, there's a LOT of Gingrich in her LinkedIn profile.

Five-star reviewer Rick Story may be the same Rick Story who worked on Newt's staff alongside... Callista!

So I feel like I've finally answered that nagging "Who is reading Callista's boring books?" question: ancient people who are worried about their nieces, nephews and grandchildren, people who work for the Gingriches, and people who work for the Gingriches' hairdressers.

Oh, and supposedly actual children, too.

When Worlds Collide

At first I thought, "It must be a parody account." BUT IT WASN'T.

BREAKING: Goddess Callista Gingrich Modifies Hairdo!!! (UPDATE: I Am Dumb)

(Photo via Cally's Instathing.)

I knew this day would come, and I've been dreading it. But dread has turned to joy!

That's Empress Callista, above, and that thing she hangs around with, filming yet another film about Reagan at some pointlessly exotic locale.

But... what's this? The side tentacle on her hairdo is gone! Where did it go? Did it retract into her head?

And what's going on in the back? A SASSY FLIP. You guys, I'm levitating right now. It's like she stole Condi's hairdo from 2004 and dipped it in Clorox and I'M LOVIN' IT.

UPDATE: Oh, I'm so embarrassed. It's an old "throwback Thursday" photo or whatever. So the sassy flip PREDATES the hair tentacle. 

Callista Discovers Instagram Filters, Is Now An Artiste

(Via the Goddess Callista's Instathing)

Oh, the hits just keep coming from our Beloved Moon Goddess. So artistic! Is that a parchment theme? That's not just old-timey, that's OLD timey. Well played!

Callista Encounters THE EXOTIC

(Via the Goddess Callista's Twitter)

Sometimes I think, "Callista Gingrich is really weird," and then I correct myself: Callista Gingrich is really normal.

Still, though: Let's get a picture of Newt 'n' Cally in front of the Waffle House. What does it mean? Is this an attempt to be "reg'lar folks"? It isn't terribly convincing; it comes across as slumming.

Callista Flashback!

(Image via the Twitter of the Supreme Moon Goddess)

You do realize that I check the Goddess Callista's Twitter every single day, right? Usually it's soooooo borrrrrrring, like looking forward to this signing and looking forward to this television appearance and Happy New Year from Ellis the Elephant and OMG, zzzzzzzz.

But yesterday, so good! For no reason whatsoever that I can discern, Cally decided that it was #throwbackthursday and posted the wonderful, wonderful picture of her and Newt "Gorilla trekking in Rwanda 2010."

There's so much to love in this picture. First, and obviously most importantly, LOOK HOW TOTALLY CUTE Callista's safari outfit is! And her hair is ADORBS as always, so spherical, so perfectly suited to that hat ("Where does one end and the other begin?" one wonders). And the sunglasses are everything you want Callista Gingrich sunglasses to be, really, when you think about it. Would you change a thing? NO, because you are still genuflecting to that picture, it is so perfect.

The other thing to love, of course, is how utterly crisp, clean, untouched by effort they are! You can totally tell that their "trek" featured not the slightest bit of physical exertion. Do you think they were carried around in a litter? Are you as strangely OK with that as I am? I worry about that hairdo out in the bush.

But weird, right? "Oh, hi, here's a three-year-old picture because whatever." I love it.

UPDATE:

Newt Receives Hard-Headed Newts For Christmas

(Image via the Supreme Moon Goddess's Instathing.)

Haw, well, no, they aren't newts, but they appear to be members of the Sclerocephalus family, amphibians from the Permian period whose name literally means "hard-headed," so that seems appropriate.

But what does it all mean when Callista gives Newt a 300-million-year-old fossil for Christmas? I suppose he does look youthful in comparison.

Dinosaurs

Image via The Goddess Callista's Instathing.

New Callista Photofest Just In Time For Thanksgiving

(Image [cropped] via Gingrich Productions.)

Supreme Moon Goddess Callista has been here, there, everywhere lately, and luckily for us, she's had a photographer/staffer with an iPhone in tow. There's a wonderful new gallery of 62 fab Callistapics at her Gingrich Productions website, and it is a marvel; I don't know where to start! It shows Cally 'n' Newt at dull book signings at identical looking bookstores, and they are like two robots and I love them.

I really love the picture shown up top, because it gives such an instructive view from above of the marvelous construction of the Impenetrable Space Helmet.  Now you have all the info you need to recreate it at home!

Aunts And Uncles Agree: Nieces And Nephews LOVE Callista Gingrich's Boring Elephant Books

So I was curious about how well the Goddess Callista's latest literary endeavor, the third installment of her lightweight patriotic elephant toddler pacifiers, has been doing. It didn't make the NY Times Bestseller List, which the previous two had, and its numbers on Amazon are unimpressive. Could it be that children coast to coast were not falling in love with the feeble pachyderm?

In any event, it doesn't seem like very many people are buying the latest book. But who is buying it? From what I can tell, mostly aunts and uncles. Here are some excerpts from the reviews on Amazon:

• "My 5 nieces and nephews have loved following Ellis the Elephant in Gingrich's first two books..."
• "...also such a great gift to all my nieces and nephews."
• "I cant wait to read it to both my nephews!"
• "Will keep buying this book for my nieces and nephews and special people in my life."
• "My Nephew loves Ellis!"
• "Ellis the elephant does it again! He is so beloved by my nieces to pieces!"
• "I love to read to my nieces and nephew when I visit them, and the Ellis books are some of their favorites."

Special message to Thomas, James, Daniel, Jack, and Amelia: I promise I won't ever do that to you. I'm just not that kind of uncle.

Callista Gingrich Besieged By Throngs Of Admirer At Book Signing

(Both photos Rory O'Driscoll, LaCrosse Tribune)

Don't get me wrong, Goddess Callista has a good thing going with her string of inane patriotic children's books. She's been on every single right-wing chat show in the past few weeks to plug installment #3 (check out her twitter feed for her robotic TV appearance plugs and signing announcements), and the books have sold well, so I'm sure the whole endeavor has been worthwhile.

But for every glamorous funchat on The Five or The View or whatever, there are ten bleak events like the less than plush one shown above, which took place yesterday in Wisconsin. Cally doesn't exactly look mobbed, does she? In fact:

Gingrich signed more than 20 copies of her newest children’s book for local fans before autographing about 100 copies for Barnes and Noble’s annual holiday book drive.

LOL at "more than 20 copies."  It should be obvious that with each succeeding trip to the Ellis the Elephant well, there will be ever diminishing returns. What I remember from working with children's books is that a new series, like Ellis the Elephant, can be a success with parents, but in order for the series to be a continuing hit, it has to be a BIG success with the kids. I can't tell you how many ambitious new series I saw getting to volume three or four before coming to an abrupt halt. Parents won't buy successive volumes in a series that their children don't respond to, and let's face it: Ellis the Elephant is thin gruel.

Also: where's Ellis? All sexed out again?

BONUS: the photographer saw fit to provide us with a close-up of the Divine Moon Goddess's hands:

Callista Gingrich: Intensely Charmless

It's difficult to imagine how a visit to Mount Vernon could be made to be duller or more mundane than Callista 'n' Ellis's utterly colorless plug for the wonders of George Washington's mansion. And for that reason alone, the following video is a masterpiece of deadpan comedy:

It's like the Goddess Callista is a perfect cross between a schoolmarm and a regional network newscaster: she sucks the fun out of everything but looks so polished doing it! She is so great.

Um, Yay? Ellis The Elephant Is Back!

Via, obviously, Goddess Callista's Twitter. Gross. Does this mean that she's going to publish a third in her inane series of children's books?

Let's just hope that Ellis the Elephant has worked through his issues. He does look somewhat chastened.

Lucky 13 For Callista 'N' Newt!

(Photo via Callista's Instathing)

Has it really only been 13 years since Newt swept starry-eyed Callista off her feet? It's a modern fairy tale! You know, like Shrek!

Love, love, love Callista's version of vacation wear. It's so Palm Beach tennis court! This is a woman who must have deeply mourned the passing of Lily Pulitzer. 

And Newt? The vertical stripes aren't helping. 

Celebrate Good Times, COME ON!

(Image via Callista Gingrich's Twat)

Newt is 70 years young today! Congrats, Callista! It won't be long now!

And just like me, he was born under the sign of the Nauga!

Which One Is Stuffed?

Happy Monday! I periodically check out Goddess Callista's Instathing, and usually it's boring, but I loved, loved, loved this photo. It combines two of my favorite things: bad, aging taxidermy, and bad, aging Newt Gingrich.

UPDATE: I realized hours later how I should have worded this post. I should have said, "I posted this photo because I love bad, aging taxidermy, and also because I love the lion."

Newt Gingrich Gearing Up To Compete On Rupaul's Drag Race?

(AP Photo, PSP flashback to January 1, 2012)

When you do frequent Google News Searches for the words Gingrich or Callista, you never know what you might find: scary things, wonderful things, or, in this case, puzzling things. It's a piece in a small newspaper from Holliston, MA, and I read it over and over, trying to make sense of it all. It turns out that Newt Gingrich is going to open a museum? Or maybe it's a joke, a bit of satire*? The thing is so baffling, I can't make head or tails out of it. This part really made me sit up and take notice:

Standing in front of a magisterial brick Palladian-style model of the soon-to-be-constructed museum on Thursday, Mr. Gingrich, sporting what looked like a $22,000 pair of diamond and gold starburst earrings from Tiffany’s, said that even a flawed presidential library like Mr. Bush’s deserves to live out its days with a peace of mind that comes only with the certainty that a Gingrich answer can provide.

Ha, ha, wait... what? Newt's wearing $22,000 pairs of Tiffany earrings now? Is this an exciting new stage of Callista's makeover of her fading husband? Or perhaps our Beloved Moon Goddess's jewelry box is now so jam-packed with pricey baubles that they're being spit out like watermelon seeds and landing on Newt's earlobes?  Or does Newt want to share some truly unexpected changes in his life with us?

Anyway, there are some visions which really help me start a new week all excited. PICTURES, PLEASE.

*Yes, yes, it's supposed to be satire. 

Callista Gingrich's Elephant Furry Friend: Every Bit As Creepy As We Imagined

(PSP Flashback to April 17, 2012)

A little over a year ago, when I posted the above shot of Goddess Callista and her horrid Elephant Panto nightmare, I said, "Imagine what it would be like to wake up one morning and BE the staffer who knows that later that day, s/he would have to don a clammy, padded nylon ersatz elephant skin and then sit in a chair while Callista drones through Sweet Land of Liberty for the umpteenth time."

Well! It turns out that the intern in the pachyderm suit had other things on his mind:

A Republican presidential campaign worker who was charged this week with cyberstalking young women often bragged about about dressing up as "Ellis the Elephant," a character in Callista Gingrich's children's books who would appear during book signings with her husband, former Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich.

The FBI on Tuesday accused Adam Savader, a former George Washington University student who worked for Gingrich's presidential campaign and interned for Republican vice presidential nominee Paul Ryan, of sending 15 young women anonymous text messages saying he had nude pictures of them and that he would forward them to their family and friends if they did not send him more pictures.

Is anybody –anybody at all?– surprised by these juicy revelations about Ellis the Elephant's vulgar, secret life?

You've got to love the Gingriches: even the fictional characters they create for children end up having sex scandals.

UPDATE: Ew, ew, ew, the more I think about this, the grosser it gets. So Ellis the Elephant was kind of... well, pervy, right?  So, do you think when he was on the road with the Gingriches, he kept the Ellis the Elephant costume in his motel room, and had girls over, and... and... and...

EW EW EW

Because you know he did.