Tuesday, February 07, 2012

French Television Rides The Pink Pony And The Callista Express, Maureen Dowd does not.

Republican presidential candidate, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, accompanied by his wife Callista, speaks at the Price Hill Chili Restaurant in Cincinnati, Ohio, Tuesday, Feb. 7, 2012. (All photos AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

OK, so, yeah, Maureen Dowd wrote something about Goddess Callista and it was limp, obvious stuff: Callista is "wifey," a throwback, etc. Yes, we know that. I'm not unsympathetic, because it is frustrating for a writer to be faced with such a subject: so alluring, and yet so devoid of content. But good writers have been making alluring yet empty things both fascinating and entertaining for centuries, so you'd think, my goodness, that the Callista Express is totally a rocket Maureen Dowd can clamber aboard and ride to the moon, right? But no. And that's because Maureen Dowd is not a good writer.

And neither, for that matter, is Matthew Shelley of CBS News, who offers up a stunningly pointless "analysis" of Callista even more lightweight than Dowd's. It turns out that Callista Gingrich is quiet and doesn't say much. Analysis!

Let's take a break, share a moment of silence, and stare at a picture of Callista:

Ahhhh, that's better. Was that good for you, too? Note that the formidable hair sculpture has recovered nicely from its recent run-in with a cruel, overzealous dye pot wielder. Phew.

But speaking of the hair, wouldn't you like to watch a video of French comedians making fun of the Callie Coiffurechitecture (You guys! I totally just coined that word!!)? It's a little hard to figure out, because as Steve Martin once said, it's like those French have a different word for everything. Here's the New Yorker, thank goodness, with a play-by-play:

Next: “We have an image just of Callista!” She’s in blue. The hair is voluminous. “Good God!” Barthès sputters. He makes some gestures around his head. “But what is this crash helmet?” A moment later, he declares, “We have discovered the secret of this mysterious cut, thanks to Leonardo da Vinci.” Now it’s Caleesta again, with the Vitruvian Man superimposed on her face. Barthès rattles off measurements and radii in a tone of Dan Brown-ish portentousness. We see another image of Callista, on a day with “winds strong enough to tear off a cow’s horn,” standing alongside Newt. “It swells slightly,” Barthès says, “but nothing moves.”

Huh. Analysis with graphical overlays concerning the spherical nature of Callista's Platinum Space Helmet? Pointing out that inferior beings' hairdos are subject to the whim of the winds while Callista's is not? Sounds like somebody's been visiting Princess Sparkle Pony, n'est-ce pas?

And that's OK, because I'm honored to be of service to French comedians. May I be of service to Jean Dujardin next, please?

One more thing: at breakfast this morning, one of my coworkers couched the idea of the hairdo's majestic side tentacle actually being prehensile. Oh wow, my mind was flooded with such visions!


Aunt Snow said...

Prehensile side tentacle/tendril. Awesome!

"One reason Callista has been so quiet so far may be the fact that she is Gingrich's third wife - one who by her very presence serves as a reminder of Gingrich's tumultuous personal history. "

Or maybe it's because Newt won't shut up.

Anonymous said...

I give Dowd at least some credit for using “carapace” to describe Callie Lou’s hair helmet. I would like to see wordsmith use “Lacuna” to describe Callista’s helmet/hair, obvious lack of brain capacity...

Sparkle Pony, you are making me nostalgic for your obsession with Cindy McCain, after your pathology toward Callista, at least Cindy had taste, and she was nice on the eyes. Callista looks like horrible mutant clone of Cindy.

Matty Boy said...

I watched some of the French show, but I got antsy. At what point does the Callista segment start?

@Anonymous: I can only agree about Cindy McCain. She looks great for her age. If she's had anything done, her doctor is an artist at a time when most plastic surgeons appear to be butchers.

With all due respect to Peteykins, Callista is a freak show. I'm delighted he has a muse worthy of his talents. She looks stunning, but not in a good way as far as this heterosexual male is concerned.

Peteykins said...

Maybe "jolting" is a better word than "stunning."

Lulu Maude said...

Prehensile! Staggers the imagination.

I finally heard La Callista speak in that nasty little anti-Muslim thing that she and Newtie produced. True bitch-goddess diction. I was afraid.

Anonymous said...

But hey PSP -- What about Newt's hair? Isn't it a piece of work too? (It looks like a toupée to me.)

Aunt Snow said...

Oh, I totally missed the fact that the Gingriches were at a Cincinnati Chili parlor!!!

How do you suppose they take their Cincinnati chili? Three way? Four way?

Fran said...

Is it really Callista, in photo #1 or a cardboard cutout ? (note the lack of the wide eyes).
Maybe Newt speeches are starting to put her to sleep?

sfmike said...

Thank you for starting/continuing the "let's just ignore MD and maybe she'll go away from our public consciousness" meme. As for the French plagiarizing you, it looks pretty cut-and-dried obvious to me, for which you deserve at least a poolside chat with Jean Dujardin.

The Cat's Meow said...

I've pretty much stopped reading MD these days. (Except I confess to reading the column on Callista because, of course, it was about Callista.) Gail Collins consistently outshines MD without any of MD's increasingly tiresome, gratuitous snark. In fact, check out her piece today on the birth control thingy dingy. Most excellent.

Anonymous said...

@ Aunt Snow

+ 1 on the Cinci Chili !!!