Quickie: Beneath the Valley of the Useful Idiots

Here's a fun quandary: you're a writer for The Corner at National Review, and you want to praise something Glenn Beck said, but you're aware that all of the recent Beck coverage focuses on how he's nutty, a conspiracy theorist, unhinged, unserious, etc., all the things you, yourself, wish to avoid being called. How do you start your post? Like this:

Say what you want about Glenn Beck, but [...]

Oh, well played, Jonathan Adler!

Richard Cohen Fell in a Puddle Once

This week's Richard Cohen column isn't really all that interesting or annoying, but it's great because it gives us another glimpse of Li'l Dicky, the hapless child who would one day grow up and attend fabulous cocktail parties, have an affair with Peter Jenning's wife, and think that torture is OK as long as the torturers' hearts are in the right place. When we last encountered Li'l Dicky, he got punched in the face and we all understood that the puncher's heart was totally in the right place. This time, Li'l Dicky falls prey to one of natures most pernicious forces, the shallow puddle:

When I was around 12, I was a paperboy for the now-defunct Long Island Press. One Thursday, when the paper was heavy with shopping inserts, a storm hit, and my papers and I wound up in a puddle. My customers would not pay for a paper not delivered, and the Press insisted on billing for those I had received. The CFO of my company, a.k.a. my father, took one look at my books and pronounced me bankrupt. He would say the same thing about General Motors and Chrysler.

And, therefore, THEY MUST PAY.

But here's the real question: wasn't Cohen Père really to blame? Shouldn't he have realized that his hapless offspring was incapable of delivering the paper through such treacherous terrain? Once again, labor takes the fall for an executive's lack of responsible oversight. And just like that, we've come to the opposite conclusion of what Cohen intended. I think. But then again, I never really understand what he's trying to say:

Here I must introduce Tim Geithner, the hapless-cum-brilliant secretary of the Treasury. He not only proves that conventional wisdom is a half-truth but that in certain matters, it is best to be first. Geithner got confirmed by the Senate even though he had failed to pay some taxes; Tom Daschle later had to withdraw his Cabinet nomination for a similar offense. As always, timing is everything.

Wait... what? Can any of you make sense of that?

If I wrote a paragraph that senseless, my father would totally take my newspaper job away from me. So, sorry Richard, I'm siding with Pops.

Fashion Victim: Knit Wit

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Does anybody remember these?

I've always been partial to vintage clothing –I was a punk rocker in the late 70s/early 80s, after all– but I didn't start collecting methodically, in earnest, until the late 80s/early 90s. My friend Greg also had an academic interest in vintage togs, and we quickly glommed onto these peculiar "word knits," as we called them, and competed for them fiercely. They tend to be t-shirts or polo shirts, and they're invariably striped with short sentences or phrases woven into the design, sometimes accompanied by primitive graphics. I've got an orange striped t-shirt, for instance, which advises Get in GEAR! with a bunch of little gears.

The above is my favorite, though, because it's the only one I've ever seen which depicts homicide. Neat! I suppose, though, that I better not wear it into a bank or airport.

Anyway! I've never been able to find out anything about this short-lived trend, which I believe existed only in the first half of the 1970s. I don't know what the weaving process was called, or who started the whole idea. The one pictured has no label, sadly, but the other ones in my collection tend to come from cheaper department stores. And as far as I know, this is one of the very few 70s microtrends which has yet to be revived; I imagine the cheapness and easy availability of printed, rather than woven, fabrics is to blame.

What do you want your "word knit" to say?

New RNC Survey will Tell Them Everything They Want to Hear

Click to take the better, improved survey!

The genius of Michael Steele strikes again! Have you seen their new survey? Do they expect to learn anything from it? Seriously, here's a sample of how the questions are phrased:

1. A recent national poll reported that nearly 25% of Americans want the government to pass more socialism. Do you agree or disagree?

4. Do you oppose so-called "card-check" legislation, which eliminates secret ballot elections during unionization drives and puts workers at risk of intimidation by labor bosses?

5. Should Republicans unite to block new federal government bureaucracy and red tape that will crush future economic growth?

Subtle! Also fascinating: the "Domestic and Social Issues" section, indeed the entire survey, contains not a single, solitary question about abortion or The Gays (although "Pro-Life" is offered as one of the choices for "key strength"). Anyway, the whole thing is so hilarious that it would be pointless to parody it. I mean, More aggressive use of Twitter, LOL. Luckily, I'm in a pointless mood, so here you go.

Road to Nowhere

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All Michael Steele's Gaffes Just Part of His Genius Plan

This actually explains a lot! See, everybody's reaction to Michael Steele has been all, like, OMG, why is he saying all these stupid things? Well! It turns out we were all walking into his cleverly designed trap:

Steele: I am very introspective about things. I don't do -- I am a cause and effect kind of guy. So if I do something, there's a reason for it. Even, it may look like a mistake, a gaffe. There is a rationale, there's a logic behind it.

Lemon: Even with the current events in news--

Steele: Yeah.

Lemon: There's a rationale behind Rush, all that stuff?

Steele: Yup. Yup.

Lemon: You want to share it with us?

Steele: Sure, I want to see what the landscape looks like. I want to see who yells the loudest, I wanted to know who says they're with me but really isn't.

Lemon: How does that help you?

Steele: It helps me understand my position on the chess board. It helps me understand, you know, where the enemy camp is and where those who are inside the tent are.

Lemon: It's all strategic?

Steele: It's all strategic.

OH! I feel so used. It's humbling to realize that Mikey is simply so brilliant that his actions merely seem incomprehensible to the rest of us.

In other Steele news, I'm assuming this was also intentional:

Tuesday night was the National Republican Congressional Committee’s big donor dinner at the National Building Museum, with the GOP headliner, Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal.

And next to Jindal sat a big, empty seat. With a nameplate.

Whose seat could that be? Why, it was reserved for RNC Chairman Michael Steele.

RNC staffers were overheard at the dinner saying they didn’t understand the error; they thought it was on his schedule.

Ha! Steele wanted you to think it was on his schedule. He's just keeping you on your toes!

Ugly Tour Bus Photoblogging: FUN Revisited

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Hmm... that last one looks familiar. It reminds me of this one I shot last year:

FUN never goes out of style.

Ugly Tour Bus Photoblogging: Swiss Miss

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Ugly Tour Bus Photoblogging: Extinguisher

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Meet Cute

Pony Pal™ extraordinaire Fritz believes that Chuck Todd is falling truly, madly, deeply in love with Robert Gibbs. He could be right! Fritz, with the voluminous archives of C-SPAN at his fingertips, brought forth this evidence from yesterday. First, the worshipful gaze:

Their eyes meet:

CT + RG = TLA!!

Ugly Tour Bus Photoblogging: The Ugly Tour Bus's Siren Song

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Meghan McCain is Now Everywhere at Once, Forever and Ever. She Will Interpret Your Dreams, Fix the Economy, Change the Oil in Your Car, Etc., Etc.

Talk about wants to help but isn't needed. Meghan McCain is actually OK by me: likable, charming, engaging, and so on. It's nice that she's kinda preaching this unholy idea of "progressive conservatism," which is just hilarious as soon as you say it out loud. Try it! See what I mean? But Megs is adorable. She's one of those "squinky" girls I wrote about last year. Perky!

But anway, ENOUGH! Too much Meghan! Yes, she's darling, but let's face it, her thoughts on politics rarely plumb depths greater than "I just think we shouldn't be mean to each other." Power Player?? CNN, are you kidding? I seem to remember just a few weeks ago some otherwise serious journalist was asking Megs about Obama's stimulus plan, and I was totally all, like, OMG, why would you ask her about that? What kind of useful response are you seeking? And yet people keep putting her on TV and asking her questions about the most ridiculous stuff! Like she has anything to do with anything! It's like seeing Luci Johnson discussing disarmament or Chip Carter appearing on Meet the Press. Or, as Slate delightfully puts it, "Anyway, here's a clip of McCain on Larry King last night, talking about the Republican Party's lack of leadership and her support for gay marriage while wearing a giant hair bow."

It was totally cute when she was doing her blog, but WTF? Why is she everywhere?

UPDATE: Kathleen Parker tackles the same question in Wednesday's Washington Post, arrives at similar conclusions:

'Tis a fact that McCain has suddenly surged as a popular talk show guest. This happens when one says something provocative in a town where 400 producers are trying to plug 10,000 talking-head spots.

Steele's Director of New Media? Pretty Wacky!

OK, so we all heard yesterday that Michael Steele hired this guy, this Todd Herman, to be his "New Media" guru. This is the guy the RNC is pinning all of its hopes on for new and exciting web thingies and magical internet starbursts.

The press release from the RNC was pretty blatant about this guy being a CHRISTIAN, and that seemed like a transparent appeal to the right wingers who Steele makes nervous. Oh, but Mr. Herman is more than just a garden variety Christian! He's, like, totally, hilariously wingnutty! Yay!

Did you know, for instance, that Mr. Herman has a blog? Haw, that was a trick question; he doesn't, really. What he has is a hilariously lame fake wordpress blog he obviously whipped up to "introduce himself" to his new friends. It only contains two posts: one "about me" which is basically a paranoid rant about Nancy Pelosi and other demon Democrats, the other a post about why he's taking the job, namely to fight Satanic Nancy Pelosi and the unfairly persuasive Obama. Take a look at it and remind yourself, "This is the guy who will bring the GOP to total web dominance." Let me put it another way: this is the banner created by the man who will be the Republican Party's New Media Director. Sophisticated! Herman's web skills are obviously so advanced that I'm having a hard time identifying their brilliance, as dazzling and innovative as they are.

Herman's blog appears to have been created last week. Maybe it was part of the interview process! Its sole purpose seems obvious, to display the author's ideological purity. And, indeed, it is impeccable, with links to Pajamas Media, National Review, Newt Gingrich, Ronald Reagan, Powerline, Glen Beck, Opinion Journal, etc., etc. The "Leap of Faith" post is especially hilarious, containing every GOP trope and buzzword currently in circulation. One does not get the feeling that Mr. Herman has processed these concepts very well. This is my favorite part:

Like many conservatives, I considered “going John Galt”; instead*, I am headed to Washington D.C. [...]

Haw, Ayn Rand reference achieved! Well done! See, he would have "Gone Galt™," but instead, he didn't. Good choice. Imitating fictional characters is too hard; just ask all those people at Star Trek conventions. Those costumes are binding!

But anyway, read his fake blog and laugh, laugh, laugh. I am SO looking forward to seeing Mr. Herman's innovative web solutions. May I suggest blinking, scrolling text? Ooh, and animated gifs, please! Also, psssst: Cornify!

*"I considered going John Galt." Translation: I was having a hard time getting a job. Read this to understand how hilarious all these Republicans threatening to "go Galt" are.

Gallant Michael Steele Hires Christian. Goofus Michael Steele Takes Money from Communist Education Satanists

Well, the Steeleweek got off to to a shaky start, a kinda good news/bad news deal. So on the one hand we have the wonderful news of Mikey actually hiring somebody! To be his web thingy visionary video web internet guy:

"I am excited to be adding Todd, a recognized thought-leader in digital media, to my team at the RNC," Steele said. "Todd brings the kind of outside of the beltway, real-world experience to Washington D.C. and to our party that we need as we reclaim the lead in the use of digital media to communicate with America."

A thought-leader in digital media! My, sounds fancy! But also reverent:

He currently lives in Washington State, where he works at his most important roles: Christian, husband and father.

Smootchy-smooch with love from Michael Steele, Christians!

On the other hand, though, Michael did a whoopsie and took contributions from Lucifer himself. And by "Lucifer" I mean, of course, the National Education Association, and somebody is miffed and needs a hug:

"I believe in raising money from people who share your vision of leadership," said Lonegan whose own campaign is closing in on the $2 Million fundraising mark including matching funds. "But I do not believe in asking for or accepting money from people or organizations whose mission differs from yours,” he added. "The National Education Association agenda is the exact opposite of the Republican Party's agenda, or at least what our agenda should be."

"What's next? Accepting money from the National Abortion Rights Action League, Handgun Control, Gay Marriage PACs and George Soros?" Lonegan wondered.

OH NO the big tent has a funny smell! Ew! Michael, help!

Quick Quiz: News or Ad?

Sometimes it's hard to tell:

Junk Drawer: Pro Sports Lunchbox

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I started collecting lunch boxes in the early 80s; they were an easy, cheap chunk of fun at the local thrift stores, rarely costing more than $1. At one point I had about 40 of them, and this was before the big lunch box collecting craze hit. When the totally artificial prices in the lunch box collecting bubble crested in the early 90s, I was way broke and cashed in on dozens of them, fetching ridiculous prices for substandard-condition boxes at a trendy consignment shop in downtown San Diego. I'm glad I did! I got a lot more for them back then than I ever could on eBay now.

There's a metaphor in there somewhere. I don't know; it eludes me.

But! I did save some of my favorite boxes, and all of them are filled up with junk. The one seen above is one of the saddest, and therefore greatest, ones in my collection, an embarrassingly generic "pro sports" theme. It's very Pee Chee folder, no? In its own clumsy way, it's more interesting and more pathetically charming than a Kiss or Partridge Family lunchbox (we'll get to those later).

Somewhere along the line, this box accumulated a classic junk-drawer-type mix of stuff. A lot of it is from high school and even earlier, some souvenirs and some random, worthless crap from college, etc. I can also be literally truthful when I say that this box holds a little part of me. Actually, it holds several little parts of me:

Here's what's in it:

1. Souvenirs from my my father's trip to Australia and New Zealand UPDATE: and Korea, see comments. Early 80s? Includes volcanic rock tiki statuette and clip-on koala bears wearing airline logo t-shirts.
2. Miniature Steiff hedgehog.
3. High school souvenirs: Punk rock wristband! Can no longer snap! 1982 "Arizona Allstate Music Festival" embroidered patch. Hand-made button for "Muffy and the Topsiders" gag talent-show punk band.
4. Roll of yellow tape that says "radioactive material."
5. Rainbow air fresheners emblazoned with "I HEART BIG JUGS."
6. Antique tin box containing Irish beach stone.
7. Two small plastic boxes each containing four baby teeth.
8. Sea shells, wooden nickels, a piece of tiger's eye.
9. Monopoly cards and playing pieces.
10. Pack of miniature playing cards in a leather case.
11. Miniature wind-up plastic fan.
12. WMAQ NBC TV Chicago button.
13. Dymo label maker (loaded!).
14. Small American flag.
15. Empty Wacky Packages wrappers.
16. Check dated 03-20-1992 from the US Treasury for $1.00.
17. Thingmaker bugs! I know I speak for each and every one of my siblings when I gaze lovingly at the burn scars on my hands and know that these are important family heirlooms.

OMG, Michael Steele Raps

I would be totally negligent to not include the above, one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. Enjoy.

You can see a longer version, including the fantastic quote, "I've always thought that rainbows were God's way of frowning at gay people," here.

Photoblogging: Canadian Embassy, 8AM

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Ugly Tour Bus Photoblogging Twofer: Minimalism and Dirt

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Ugly tour bus season is off to a wonderful start! I could hardly decide which ones to shoot today, the options were so plentiful.

Sometimes I wonder, though, if I really do like photographing these vehicles, because my favorite shots are the ones that coming out looking like neither vehicles or even photographs, like the one above. Mixed messages!

Otherwise, I've taken to searching for the really dirty or damaged designs. Here's a beauty:

How Long Before John Bolton Condemns Obama's Message to Iran, and Where Will He Do It?

OK, so I was watching that thing on the Youtubes where Obama is all, like, OMG Hi, Iran LOL, and I was thinking OMG, this is going to send John Bolton into a vicious spiral of glasses touching and self-abuse. But who will hand him the microphone? Will it be Fox? The Washington Post? The Wall Street Journal? The View? Because you know somebody looking for good *tsk*ing won't be able to resist asking him. Stay tuned!

Paul Bremer, Terrible at Everything, Also a Bad Painter

Al Kamen, in this morning's Washington Post, points us to Paul Bremer's awful, awful paintings, and for that we thank him. OMG, he's like a brain-damaged cross between Grant Wood and Charles Sheeler. Enjoy.

Please Stand By...

Wow, ouch. I just recovered from what the nice people at Apple called, clearly impressed, a "very rare" type of complete system software failure. Neat! I got to experience the joy of a total system reinstall. On a Mac! I didn't lose anything, thank goodness, but it more-or-less ruined my day yesterday. How much fun is it to totally reload your entire iTunes library? Plenty!

A lesson learned: when you replace your iMac, keep the old one around, sulking in a corner until it can be of use. I was able to Firewire them together and retrieve everything accumulated over the past three months before doing the reinstall.

Next purchase: Time Capsule.* You bastards.

*Actually, probably not. But I probably will get a new backup drive and use Time Machine.

Politico Just Can't Quit Michael Steele, but Everybody Else Wants To

This morning, Politico posted five articles (5!) which mention, or are about, Michael Steele, even though Steele himself has been a good boy and hasn't done or said anything stupid all week. Well done, Michael, and well done, Politico! I'll go ahead and read them so that you don't have to:

• Who leads the GOP? Nobody can figure it out! The top vote-getter in Pew's poll was "I Dunno." The actual, real person to get the most votes was... John McCain! Haw. Michael Steele? 2%!
• Boring article about Mel Martinez mentions Steele because... well, because it's Politico.
• If the fabulously-named James Tedisco doesn't win his special election in New York, it could be curtains for the puppy lover! Or not! Nobody knows, because it's the future!
  
• Horrible Roger "Simple" Simon ponders the Steele conundrum: "[The] problem is that the Republican Party is shrinking to a hard core, a core that equates Steele’s 'big-tent outreach' with an abandonment of basic conservative principles." Like Roger Simon*, for instance.
  
• Steele has hired a communications director! But nobody has ever heard of him! “It’s like Michael Steele is a Democrat trying to do everything possible to screw us.” Shhh! Don't give it away!

Elsewhere, not at Politico, Thomas Sowell has finally decided to pile on the Michael Steele bandwagon with bonus digs at important Republican official John McCain's Daughter. In the same column, he refers to Ann Coulter as "articulate" and says that Rush Limbaugh's radio show contains "far more factual information and in-depth analysis than in the programs or writings of pundits with more of a ponderous tone or intellectual airs."

And finally, there are so many other articles and columns calling for Steele's resignation all over the place, everywhere, that one wonders, really, if shutting up has been a good strategy for him. Can he make it to April? Cross your fingers, Pony Pals™!

*Re-reading Simon's piece, it occurred to me that one of his main points is that it's nice and everything for Steele to say he's trying to appeal to Hispanics and African Americans, but to actually do so would violate Republican policy. In other words, building a big tent: good; actually letting people inside the big tent: bad.

Photoblogging: OMG UR So Fired!

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Haw, it just goes to show that what's acceptable in one work environment would get you dismissed at another. Above is a coworker's desk. She's a very sweet Southern gal! It reminds me of the time I had a photograph of Georgia O'Keefe's... twat (text-only link, safe for work)... face-up (so to speak) on my desk for, like, two weeks before a coworker pointed it out to me. Oopsie!

Abs of steel? How about buns of bronze? Hubba hubba!

Fashion Victim: Matching is Overrated

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Another new feature, just as I warned you. "Fashion Victim" will chronicle my closet, just as "Junk Drawer" displays my non-wearable collections.

I'm a bit of a dandy! I love clothes, but just like everything else, I approach fashion with a hefty streak of Dadaism. My wardrobe consists of about 1/2 vintage (vast collection), 1/4 generic basics (The Gap, Calvin Klein, etc.), and 1/4 irresponsible high-end stuff. I like to inappropriately mash together decades and genres, and I tend to mix colors more like a painter than... well, a normal person. During cooler weather, my "style" can best be described as "Something's wrong with Mr. Rogers," while in warmer times it's "Mid-1960s confirmed bachelor college professor hosts peyote-fueled barbecue." My basic philosophy is Why be a fashion victim when fashion can be YOUR victim? Here's what's in the photo above:

• Vintage green Perma-Prest™ shirt, JC Penney Towncraft. Probably mid-1960s. I love old permanent press stuff from cheap department stores.
  
• Vintage very skinny (1 1/4"!) silk green tie. Mid-50s? I don't know when ties were this narrow. I'm a little annoyed that thin ties are trendy again.
  
• Ocher windowpane cashmere/silk sport coat, Luciano Barbera.
• Green v-neck cashmere sweater, Ted Baker.

Background: White Bread, James Rosenquist, oil on canvas, 1964. Thank you very much, Pony Pal™/coworker Adam for taking the picture.

Richard Cohen Fell for It, Too, Therefore Jon Stewart is Mean

Poor Richard Cohen –maybe literally!– has finally written an immensely satisfying column.

See, our favorite punching bag has decided, unlike everybody else, that Jon Stewart was terribly, terribly unfair to poor Jim Cramer, and that's because he was so busy looking in his couch for spare change that he utterly, completely missed Stewart's point that there were, like, a zillion signs that companies like Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, and Citigroup were trading on a dangerously warped and distended bubble. Hilariously, he tries to gin up some sorrow for the poor, victimized bankers and insurance men:

Or take Richard Fuld. He is the former chairman of Lehman Brothers, which, as we all know, is no more. He lost about $1 billion.

Or take Citigroup's former chairman, Sanford Weill. He lost about $500 million.

Or take all the good people at Bear Stearns, the company Cramer adored almost to the bitter end. They went down with their stock.

So sad! I'm applying an eyedropper of glycerine to my face right this very minute. Any other high-profile victims we should feel sorry for? Why yes:

I give you one other name: Richard Cohen. He who writes this column had some of his (extremely) hard-earned retirement funds in AIG stock. This was because I was a cautious investor, and what could be safer than an insurance behemoth? Who knew that in faraway London, a division of AIG was fooling around in stuff that virtually cratered the whole company? Not my broker. Not me. Not even Greenberg.

Ah yes, once again it's all about Richard Cohen. As usual. And this makes Jon Stewart a horrible meanypants because he's blaming the media, a group which includes... Richard Cohen! Unfair!

Never mind that Stewart was specifically blaming, not the media, but specifically the corporate financial media which was too busy sucking up to their cocktail party cohabitants to offer more intensive scrutiny of their activities. Cohen offers a bizarre example:

It does not take cable TV to make a bubble. CNBC played no role in the Tulip Bubble that peaked, as I recall, in 1637, or in the Great Depression of 1929-41. It is the zeitgeist that does this -- the psychological version of inertia: the belief that what's happening will continue to happen.

So true! CNBC was available only in isolated areas of Utrecht during the tulipomania! And you know who was primarily responsible for expanding the flower bubble in the 1630s? The brokers, bankers, and speculators. They spread the word through skillful use of the pamphleteers and publishers; in other words, the 17th century version of the financial news media.

Next week: Richard Cohen defends Bernard Madoff, who he once met at a fabulous party.

Also: does anybody –anybody at all– doubt that Cohen wears sock suspenders?

UPDATE: Ever wonder about the cliché of a poor person wearing a barrel? More info, kind of, here and maybe here and here, or, more likely, it probably just comes from the tales of Diogenes, who supposedly lived in a barrel.

Michael Steele Hasn't Made Good on His Promise to Make the GOP Hip-Hop, So I Guess it's Up to Me

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Condoleezza Rice, This is Your Life!

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, left, who is a senior fellow at the Hoover Institution at Stanford University, greets former Secretary of State George Shultz, right, before her talk to an economic summit at Stanford University in Palo Alto, Calif., Friday, March 13, 2009. Rice described how the world economic downturn could affect the international political landscape. (AP Photo/Paul Sakuma)

Well, gosh, Condi certainly seems more comfortable with Shultz than with Maddy. And now that she's off the world diplomatic stage (Phew!), I see she's turned her attention to economics. Or something. Few reporters saw fit to cover this momentous occasion, so thank goodness for the San Diego Union-Tribune:

"This is a crisis going to the heart of issues of governance, of how to provide for a population," she said. "It will most certainly have an effect on the willingness of countries around the world to affirm the model of economic development that has been most dominant since the collapse of the Soviet Union."

And that, I suppose, is what happens when she's around Shultz: misty watercolor memories of the 80s, a time when Condi was able to pretend much more convincingly that she was an expert on something... anything.

Junk Drawer: Tush

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Hey! Here's one of those new features I warned you about! "Junk Drawer" will be a recurring series in which I post photos and scans of stuff I have in my apartment. It could be a strange old book, the contents of a lunch box, an old family photograph...

Or Tush! I found Tush years ago in a thrift store, and it's one of the most enigmatic things in my possession. Tush is made of soft vinyl and stands about 3.5" tall. Tush appears to be some kind of promotional item, and used to emanate a baby powder smell. Here's another view of Tush:

Tush wants to help, but is not needed. Tush would like to be your friend. The EEO officer at my work advised that Tush would not be appropriate for display on my desk (I asked). I have accepted Tush as my personal savior. Have you?

"I'm Sorry, You Can't Come In. Your Boots Clearly Have Self-Esteem Issues"

How do your shoes feel about themselves? Are you sure?

The Painting in the Background of the Previous Picture

Mandala #1, 1997, reverse painting on glass, 18" x 24"

I haven't done a reverse painting on glass or plexiglas for several years. It's a difficult, boring technique. I used to do it a lot, and thought at one time that I'd try to become a famous painter. LOL. It was fun for a while. I exhibited in group shows at La Luz de Jesus and Track 16 in the LA area, had one-man shows at the Sushi in San Diego and Metropophobobia in Phoenix, and appeared in a smattering of other group shows, coffee house exhibits, etc. I failed to set the art world on fire, or even to singe the edges a little.

I Got Bored with My Facial Hair, So I Banished It to the 19th Century

Haw, well, I said I was going to make this blog more personal, so why not start things off with a full-on, unflattering face shot? I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm less than comfortable doing so. But there it is: my camera-angle-enhanced big nose for all the world to see.

The facial hair pattern shown above is usually called "friendly muttonchops," the "friendly" part referring to the mustache which bridges the sideburns. I, however, like to think of it as the "ventriloquist dummy." I was a little nervous about sporting this old-fashioned style, but so far the reaction has been very positive/amused from my friends and coworkers. Now all I need is a top hat and spats and more velvet in my wardrobe.

Facial hair is one of my security blankets. The very least I've had over the last twenty years is a soul patch. The idea of being completely bare-faced fills me with dread. I'm glad to be living now during the great renaissance/liberation of facial hair, where pretty much all styles are now acceptable anywhere. Think of the reaction my friendly muttonchops would have gotten in the 80s!

UPDATE: from Uncle Splatty:

PSP Existential Crisis

Something has to change!

When Condi was heading off into the sunset, I was a bit irritated to get tons of comments saying OMG, what are you going to do? In denial, I poo-pooed these concerns, stating that I wrote a lot more than just Condiproduct, and besides, it's not like Condi was going to just disappear from public view.

Surprisingly, though, that's exactly what she's done. Worse, I underestimated just how much I relied upon her for material. Then another favorite subject, Ursula Plassnik, dropped out of the scene. Worst of all (for my purposes), the Bush administration ended! Basically, within a very short period of time, I lost about 90% of the material I counted on for this site's content.

I tried to find substitutes, but most of them didn't take up enough room. Yulia Tymoshenko, for instance, simply isn't very interesting once you've laughed at her hairdo for about two minutes. And Michael Steele? Heck, obviously he isn't going to last much longer.

Michael Steele brings up another point regarding this problem. See, when I obsessively chronicled Condi's endless photo-ops and weird... existence... I was doing something nobody else was doing! Elsewhere on the web you'd see occasional sarcastic things about her, sure, but mostly you'd find a bunch of puff-pieces and straightforward analysis of her latest goings-on. Even my Sarah Palin coverage was unlike that going on elsewhere, because I was mining the wires' news photos in an extensive/intensive way not found anywhere else. So lately, I've done a similar avalanche of posts about Michael Steele's gaffes and hilarity... but so has everybody else. In other words, there's nothing original or unique about my Steele posts.

This is a problem. I'm not interested in having a blog which just parrots what's going on elsewhere in the blogosphere.

So with this in mind, I've got to make some changes around here. I've got to find new things to write about. I'm working on some new ideas, at least one of which will be debuting over the next few days. One thing that occurred to me is that my most overlooked and untapped resource is... well, myself. Did you know that I'm actually neither a pink plastic pony nor a screaming Barbie head? It's true!

This idea makes me a little nervous because I've always more-or-less kept my "real" self out of this blog, but all the ideas I'm getting are pointing in that direction. Some of my favorite blogs are highly personal: Joemygod and Earl Cootie and SF Mike come quickly to mind. Don't expect what I do to be anything like what they do, though, because I don't go to Black Parties, rarely venture out into nature, and haven't been an extra in an opera since high school.

I want to emphasize that this is NOT driven by a wish to become a "popular" blog or to attract masses of new readers; it is driven by a wish to not become bored with my own site. I'm not a professional blogger, and this site carries no advertising, so there's nothing to be gained by an increase in traffic.

So anyway, blah blah blah. I'll still be writing about the topics I've covered over the past few years, but there will be new things as well, non-political things, personal things. Heck, maybe I'll even write about books I've read, movies I've seen, etc. Who knows? I'd love to hear what Pony Pals think about this. Any ideas or opinions are welcome!

Baloney

Jim Cramer, host of the 'Mad Money' show on CNBC, makes an appearance on Comedy Central's 'The Daily Show with Jon Stewart' Thursday, March 12, 2009 in New York. (AP Photo/Jason DeCrow)

So, right, uh huh, Jim Cramer and Jon Stewart and whatever.

You know what kept distracting me? Cramer's rolled-up shirt sleeves. This is a deeply phony, insincere person. The sleeves in this setting are so pointless, so exaggerated, so incongruous, that you really have to ask what it all means*. This is clearly symbolic dress.

Here's my interpretation: Cramer is under fire for being too chummy with those he is pretending to cover. Stewart, especially, has accused him and CNBC of pandering to the Wall Street crowd instead of truly reporting on them. Rather than giving real advice to consumers, in other words, they're playing cocktail party with corporate interests.

So to set himself apart from the super-rich bankers and brokers, Jim's lost the sport coat (which he was surely wearing before the cameras rolled) and rolled up the sleeves to present the illusion that he's a "regular working man." He's a laborer! A serious let's-get-down-to-brass-tacks, problem-solving guy! He's not a Wall Street crony, he's A Man of the People!

Except he's not. He's a TV host. And a phony who gave a lot of bad advice which cost everybody but him and his real peers lots of money. Jon Stewart was right: Fuck you, Jim Cramer.

*EDIT: Apparently, Jim Cramer always dresses down like this (except, presumably, when he's at cocktail parties), which I didn't know because I don't watch CNBC. So it's his schtick, his phony-populist schtick. The power of wardrobe, people!

Too Much Michael Steele! Can't Keep Up! Helllllp!

It's too much! And I'm at work, so no new puppy graphic until later. But anyway, Mikey started his day by backpedaling furiously from his abortion statements: you see, when he said he was pro-choice, he really meant that he wasn't; when he said it was a states' rights issue, he really meant that there needs to be a constitutional ammendment banning all abortions on a federal level. Does that clear everything up?

And the reactions? Fantastic!

• Tony Perkins: "It is very difficult to reconcile the GQ interview with the chairman's pledge [to be anti-abortion]."
• Also in the Politico article linked above, some anti-abortion chick steals headlines from this blog by saying, "Ha. He has now stepped both feet into it."
• Ken Blackwell: Steele "...needs to re-read the Bible, the U.S. Constitution, and the 2008 GOP Platform. He then needs to get to work -- or get out of the way." Them's fighting words!
• Huckaboo: "...very troubling..."
• Roger Stone: "Well, it's just one more nail in the coffin."
• NPR got great quotes from evil GOP operatives Ed Rollins, who says that he needs to overcome his interview addiction, and Ed Rogers, who hilariously says, "I'm against us appearing befuddled." LOL.
• Washington Post: "Steele's desire to spend the majority of his time in front of the camera rather than behind closed doors plotting a strategy to return Republicans to governing majorities is a common theme in discussions with GOP operatives." Yes, I noticed that, too!

OK, that brings us up to... um, 3PM. Stay tuned!

Admit It: THIS is What You've All Been Waiting For

Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton hugs first lady Michelle Obama at the International Women of Courage Award Ceremony at the State Department in Washington, Wednesday, March 11, 2009. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Whoopsie! Now He's Really Put His Foot in It

Ruh-Roh! I don't know how Mikey is going to recover from this one: GQ, the fashion and skin care magazine for closeted hairdressers, just released their fabulous interview with the Puppy Man, and, um, what's this? Something about abortion:

(GQ) Are you saying you think women have the right to choose abortion?
(Steele) Yeah. I mean, again, I think that’s an individual choice.

(GQ) You do?
(Steele) Yeah. Absolutely.

Really! How interesting! That'll go over just GREAT with the people who are nervous about his "conservative" bona fides. He then goes on to say Roe vs. Wade should be overturned, that it should be a state issue, but a woman should have the right to choose, but states should be able to outlaw it, etc. etc. Confusing! Also, his "nervous nellie" constituents will love this about the homos:

(GQ) Do you think homosexuality is a choice?
(Steele) Oh, no. I don’t think I’ve ever really subscribed to that view, that you can turn it on and off like a water tap. Um, you know, I think that there’s a whole lot that goes into the makeup of an individual that, uh, you just can’t simply say, oh, like, “Tomorrow morning I’m gonna stop being gay.” It’s like saying, “Tomorrow morning I’m gonna stop being black.”

OMG, he is so fired! Less damning, but funnier, is when he tries to get down with the kids in the hood:

(GQ) Who do you listen to?
(Steele) I actually listen to a cross section, because I like to hear what the medium is saying, what the voice is.

(GQ) But do you have a favorite?
(Steele) P. Diddy I enjoy quite a bit.

(GQ) Do you want to rethink that?
(Steele) [laughs] I guess I’m sorta old-school that way. Remember, I came of age with the DJ and all this other stuff, so I’m also loving Grandmaster Flash, and that’s not hip-hop, but… Um, you know, I like Chuck D. And I always thought Snoop Dogg was—he just reminded me of the fellas back home. So I’ve always thoroughly enjoyed him.

Ah, the DJ! Remember back then when they had the DJ? How I miss those days. But then, tragically, the truth comes out:

(GQ) Who else?
(Steele) I like Sinatra. I like old-school. You know, Bing Crosby, Sinatra, Dean Martin. Love Dean Martin. He was one of these guys who just didn’t give an F. He just didn’t. Life was a party, and you either want to party or you don’t. But yeah, I like those. I’m a big Pack Rat. I love the Pack Rats from the 1950s—Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., Frank Sinatra, those guys.

(GQ) You mean the Rat Pack.
(Steele)The Rat Pack, yeah.

And with that, I have officially run out of words.

EDIT: I think Talking Points Memo officially nailed that last bit:

So Steele doesn't just sound like a middle-aged man trying to talk to his kids and failing to sound cool. He's also trying to talk to his parents and failing to sound cool.

UPDATE: TPM also called GQ and found out that the interview was conducted three weeks ago, before the Limbaugh thing. Those magazine lead-times will bite you in the butt if you don't watch out!

OMGLOL

The latest editorial cartoon from The Onion. It's funny because... wait, I don't get it.

Rip it Up and Start Again

Did I declare last week Michael Steele Week? Do we need to declare March Michael Steele month? Maybe! Let's see what the puppy dragged in:

• Joe the Plumber does not like Michael Steele! This is because the Republican Party is perfect in every way, and that's why it has been doing so well, and to suggest otherwise is treason or something. Hey, Michael, if it ain't broke, etc., etc., or some other dumb "populist" phrase.
• Michael wants the GOP to have new interweb things! To accomplish this heady goal, he has sent out the worst, most vague RFP you can possibly imagine. Like the Republican Party itself, the proposal is long on murky philosophy and completely lacking in specifics. "If it's going to be 'outside the box' — then not only keep it outside the box, but take it to someplace the box hasn't even reached yet," Steele helpfully suggests. I've been involved in a very similar RFP, and if we had turned in something like this, we all would have been laughed at and then fired. I pity whomever gets stuck with the job.
• A new Michael Steele interview! Yay! I was afraid he'd go uninterviewed for an entire day! "My goal is not to embarrass my party," he claims. Also: "The mice that are scurrying about the Hill are upset because they no longer have access to the cheese." Thanks for clearing that up! What about the gays? "We’re not saying, 'Don’t come.' We’re saying, 'There is a right way to come.'" Ha, ha, just kidding; he was saying that about immigration. And, finally, will Michael take everybody's advice and not go on TV so much? "No." Yay!
  

UPDATE: That RFP? There's a pretty compelling case to be made that it's purposely perfunctory because Steele already has his web team chosen, which is one of those "technically illegal but everybody does it" kinda things. Still, though, did they really have to make it that lame?

UPDATE: The Hill reports this morning more infighting, and that "Following a series of misstatements that have resulted in criticism from both inside and outside the GOP, Steele canceled a number of interviews scheduled for this week, including one with The Hill, ostensibly to focus on hiring several senior staffers." (Emphasis mine. Booo!)

Easily Amused

Alternative headline: What Passes for Humor in Government Offices.

Ugly Tour Bus Photoblogging: Horizontal Hold

Please click to see the 1200x900 version.

Hillary Dismantles the Condibot

US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, right, is all smile with Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov after presenting him a device with a red knob during their meeting in Geneva, Switzerland, Friday, March 6, 2009. Clinton said Friday she hopes her first discussion with her Russian counterpart will begin a new era in U.S.-Russian relations without raising doubts about American support for European allies. (AP Photo/Fabrice Coffrini, Pool)

OK, now, THAT's more like it! Was it just yesterday that I was bemoaning Hillary Clinton's lack of cutesy media awareness? This shows promise. Team Hillary actually manufactures props! Condi never worked with props, unless you count her spherical, invisible friend or, of course, the biggest prop of them all, Condi herself.

But anyway, just look at that! A cute red reset button with an amusingly mistranslated message! I like it:

And then it hit me: that's no prop! I believe that what we're seeing above is the actual, real reset button from the Disneytronic, Animagic Condibot, the labor-saving robot sent out by yesterday's State Department when the real Condi was getting her hair and nails done. I bet it was originally set into the Condibot's hairdo somewhere. So this is actually a richly symbolic, darkly hilarious gesture from Clinton: The Condibot has been dismantled, never to walk or to recite talking points again. With this in mind, couldn't the Russian mistranslation be intentional, a final stab at Condi's notoriously overstated Russian "expertise?"

I like to think so. OMG, diplomacy is totally so much fun again! Yay!

The Story So Far: Hillary Not as Photo-Oppy as Condi, but I Totally Hate This Coat

Belgium Foreign Minister Karel de Gucht (L) welcomes US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton before a 'transatlantic' dinner at Egmont palace. Clinton said Wednesday that she was very encouraged by the position of European nations on hosting inmates from Guantanamo prison, which Washington has moved to close. (AFP/Dominique Faget)

It's been what, like, a year now that Hillary Clinton has been SoS? OK, so let's evaluate: sifting through news photos of her just is not as much fun as it was with Condi. I mean, tracking the hairdo (so you don't have to) was a nerve-wracking occupation! You never knew when things in Condiland might go fabulously awry. In other words: don't hold your breath for an aglitter piano recital from Hils anytime soon.

I also enjoyed, obviously, the relentless succession and frequency, almost hypnotic, of Condi's incredible, mechanical, pre-tested, pre-programmed and marked-with-tape-on-the-floor photo-ops: the hallowed Matching Armchairs, the Dueling Podiums, the Madison Time. They were such wonderful snowflake-like creations, all alike yet all tantalizingly different and inane in their own unique ways.

Not so Secretary Pantsuit. She hasn't been an enthusiastic participant, so far, in the Matching Armchairs thing; most of the photos show her coming and going from activities rather than in staged "availabilities." She's done a few Madison Times and, naturally, the unavoidable Dueling Podiums, but they just don't have the same zany pizazz so frequently provided by Doctor Ferragamo's intriguing suits and tasteless accessories. The truth of the matter is that Hillary has turned into everything I feared: an uninspired dresser with neither poor nor great taste, a hairdo which fails to speak to me in even the tiniest voice, and an apparent preference to actually work rather than pose at working.

This approach fails to meet the needs of satirical bloggers. Tsk.

But, like I said, God, I just totally hate that coat.

Michael Steele Week Continues...

Welcome back to Princess Sparkle Pony, where it's all Michael Steele all the time! Hooray! So how has day five been for the puppy lover? Great for us!

One thing I loved was this article at vigorously conservative World Magazine that isn't about Steele at all. It's about a not-really-brewing-all-that-much feud between Sam Brownback and various "pro family" groups due to naughty Sam's Sebelius-approving ways. The head of Concerned Women for America says, "I don’t want this to be a Rush Limbaugh–Michael Steele." LOL. So the Steele/Limbaugh feud has officially entered the lexicon as a serviceable phrase meaning "public relations disaster caused by retarded in-fighting." Handy! I believe this newly-minted slang will prove to be useful to the Republicans over and over, for years to come. Michael Steele, this is your legacy. Yay!

Next up, it's "Orange Alert" at the RNC! Neat! National Review reports:

A person familiar with the situation at the Republican National Committee offers a measured take on the mood among RNC members: "We're above Yellow Alert - I'd put it at Orange if it was the Homeland Security scale... Right now, there’s no chief of staff, and I think that's a problem. There’s no national finance chairman, let alone a finance director… technology director, legal counsel. My understanding is that they have a ton of people interested, and just can't interview them fast enough. We're almost two months into the cycle with the special House election in New York and gubernatorial races in New Jersey and Virginia later this year... If these positions aren’t filled by next RNC meeting, there are going to be major, major problems."

What other delights did today hold for Maryland's best-known associate of Boston Terriers? Oh, right, yeah, this lady in the RNC has announced to whomever will listen that she thinks Steele should resign. And the kicker... she's black (you should be gasping now)! Oh, snap! He is therefore doomed.

Near the end of the day, though, finally something nice: a smattering of D-list Republicans saying Steele is A-OK, blaming the whole dust-up on "the media," which is hilarious given that all the participants in this exceedingly clumsy and embarrassing charade are enthusiastic and unrepentant media whores. They're just a couple of gals who can't say no, that's all. The Washington Post's headline, "GOP Lawmakers Rally Around Steele" is obviously an amusing overstatement.

Anybody else piling on? There's a lot of "Oh, yeah, you know what else bugs me about Michael Steele?" going around. Where's that inclusion you promised us hairdressers?, wonders Joe Solomonese, pointlessly, in Politico*. Joe, Joe, Joe, you fell for that old gag? Also, plenty of conservatives are grumbling still about Mikey's failure to deny that CPAC looked like a Nazi rally. Haw.

So, wow, it's so exciting to me when a member of the Sparkle Pony chorus line suddenly bursts out of her shell and storms the catwalk, a superstar at last.

But here's the real question: is Michael Steele Week going to end the way I think it's going to end? Stay tuned!

*The amount of attention given to Michael Steele and/or Rush Limbaugh this week at Politico is truly astonishing. And you guys think I'm bad! Holy cow, they're more obsessed than I'll ever be! I would characterize the way they're pushing this whole thing as "unfuckingbelievable."

Yay! Michael Steele Funnies! Yay!