Newt Gingrich Tries To Plant Big Wet One On Neocons, Misses, They Still Hate Him, Maybe Even More

I laughed and laughed earlier today when I read about Newt Gingrich's scary/funny promise that President Newt make John Bolton his secretary of state, an instant disqualifier if ever there was one. See, the GOP clown car made a trip to the Republican Jewish Coallition forum today, neocon central, and this was Newt's clumsy way of sucking up to them. The story soon became funnier when it was revealed that John Bolton's staff (let THAT phrase roll around in your mind for awhile, won't you?) claimed to know nothing about Newt's love for the bespectacled old warmonger.

"Will they fall for it?" I wondered. Will hot Boltonluv make the neocons, the most important group of establishment Republican Newt-skeptics, cut him some slack? I knew I'd have to wait for my new girlfriend, Sparklecrush Jennifer Rubin, to weigh in on the matter.

Well, she has. Did it work? Noooooo, it sure didn't! OMG, I think Newt's appearance at the RJC actually succeeded in making Rubin hate him more: "The speech certainly revealed Gingrich’s exaggerated regard for his own intellect," she sniffs. And to top it all off, she doesn't even mention the John Bolton thing! How could she leave out the single most noteworthy thing Newt said, the concept of appointing John Bolton to be US Secretary of State, something which surely Jennifer Rubin would love, love, love to happen! It's almost like she intentionally left out the one thing he said that her crowd would like in order to make him sound as bad as possible. Ha, ha: "It's almost like." I'm so charitable towards my Jennifer.

So anyway, whoops! Sorry Newt, no neocons for you.

And you know what's totally scary about all this? Even the people the neocons hate the most keep trying to suck up to them: Cain talked about admiring John Bolton; Perry supposedly hired Doug Feith as an advisor; Bachmann's been sucking up to Frank Gaffney; now it's Newt's turn. So it's like this: if a neocon GOP candidate wins (Santorum, Romney), he'll hire all the neocons. If a non-neocon wins (the rest, with the exceptions of Paul and Huntsman*), they will likewise hire all the neocons. Paul Wolfowitz must be totally licking his chops.

*And I'm not so sure about Huntsman's allergy towards the neocons. He's been doing plenty of "nuclear Iran" fearmongering.

How Long Before John Bolton Condemns Obama's Message to Iran, and Where Will He Do It?

OK, so I was watching that thing on the Youtubes where Obama is all, like, OMG Hi, Iran LOL, and I was thinking OMG, this is going to send John Bolton into a vicious spiral of glasses touching and self-abuse. But who will hand him the microphone? Will it be Fox? The Washington Post? The Wall Street Journal? The View? Because you know somebody looking for good *tsk*ing won't be able to resist asking him. Stay tuned!

GOP Convention Throbbing, Fistpumping with Glamour and Starpower

Country singer John Rich rehearses for his performance later in the day at the Republican National Convention in St. Paul, Minn., Wednesday, Sept. 3, 2008. (AP Photo/Ron Edmonds)

OK, I was feeling a little bit bad because I've been totally making fun of nothing but girls lately, so, ew, here's a photo of some gross... I mean, just ew, OK? OMG, so bad:

Actor Joe Pantoliano of "The Sopranos" prepares for a radio interview at the Republican National Convention in St. Paul, Minn., Wednesday, Sept. 3, 2008. (AP Photo/Charles Rex Arbogast)

And I think that's it for Hollywood! Just Joe Pantoliano! And –this is really scandalous– here he is laughing it up with John Bolton:

After NIE, Washington Post Gives the Microphone to... John Bolton?

Fantastic! Everybody is all up in arms about the Intelligence Estimate thingy. Is this really a scandal? Read this and then get back to me.

So I guess the Washington Post invited John Bolton to give his opinion on the whole thing for... laughs? Neocon schadenfreud? And, indeed, the sense of desperation in his insta-op-ed is almost --almost!-- hilarious. Favorite part:

...the NIE suffers from a common problem in government: the overvaluation of the most recent piece of data.

LOL. You can almost hear him yelling, visions of yellowcake still dancing in his head, "No fair! That's our technique!"

And Then, Suddenly, Laura Bush Flew Away

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, center, looks up alongside U.S. Ambassador to Guatemala James Derham, right, and White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolton, left, during a ceremony in Guatemala City, Monday, March 12, 2007. (AP Photo/Rodrigo Abd)

I'm at a loss to explain how I missed this wonderful shot from yesterday. Thanks to Pony Pal™ Elizabeth for pointing it out!

What's your caption?

New Defense Secretary a Giant Among Pixies

President Bush, center, accompanied by members of his Cabinet, gestures while speaking in the Rose Garden of the White House in Washington, Wednesday, Jan. 3, 2007. From left are, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, Commerce Secretary Carlos Gutierrez, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman , Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolten, Transportation Secretary Mary Peters, EPA Administrator Stephen Johnson, the president, Agriculture Secretary Mike Johanns, White House Office of National Drug Control Policy John Walters, Housing and Urban Development Secretary Alphonso Jackson, Budget Director Rob Portman, Education Secretary Margaret Spellings, obscured, and National Intelligence Director John Negroponte. (AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

I got momentarily distracted earlier today and let my attention wander to Condi's companion in her latest photo-op, something which rarely happens. But, hey, Robert Gates is a new starlet for this blog to cover, and the perky new Secretary of Defense is showing promise. I couldn't help notice that Mr. Gates appeared shorter than Condi... quite a bit shorter, in fact. Well, as you can see in the ghoulish shot above (besides possibly the densest concentration of evil on the planet), Gates is, in fact, teeny (yet perfectly formed!).

The best part of the picture, though, is Candi Margaret Spelling hiding behind Sam "The Bod" Bodman. Did I forget to mention Condi? *Sigh* She's an oasis of beige in a sea of black.

And, finally, Mary Peters' hairdo certainly requires intense investigation.

UPDATE: Pony Pal™ Matty Boy wants to share that this is the third picture in a row to show Condi protecting her ladyparts from her surroundings. Honey, do you want to talk about it? And now, suddenly, I wonder: has she been doing this all along, and I've failed to notice? Or is it something new? Have we stumbled upon her... cycle? Condi, oh Condi, why are you so afraid for your flower? Let it spread its wings and soar!

"Ok, Luvs, for This One, Everybody Clasp Your Hands Behind Your Backs and Look Uncomfortable."

White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolten (C) is joined by National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley (R) and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice in the Oval Office at the White House in Washington, December 14, 2006. REUTERS/Jim Young

Stephen, Stephen, Stephen, you have to stop your endless pining. Seriously, Condi likes Josh now, OK? I hope you two can leave this awkward stage behind and remain friends.

In other news, Condi stood behind a podium today and spoke about human rights for almost fifteen minutes and totally didn't even crack up once:

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice addresses a Human Rights Day Commemoration, Thursday, Dec. 14, 2006 at the State Department in Washington. (AP Photo/Lauren Victoria Burke)

Brava! Kudos, also, to the portrait of Jefferson for not bursting into flames during Condi's speech.

Let's Exclude Dick

Vice President Dick Cheney, left, and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, second from left, along with National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley, second from right, and White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolten, right, take part in a meeting between President Bush and the Vice President of Iraq Tariq al-Hashemi, not shown, in the Oval Office of the White House in Washington, Tuesday,Dec. 12, 2006. (AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

Is he really wearing a lemon shirt with a lime tie? I'm thinking it's the lighting, but just in case: Dick, that citrussy look may work for Ursula Plassnik, but not for you. Never for you.

Christians Now Hate Condi, But for All the Wrong Reasons

I wrote about Condi 'n' Laura's cutesy gay wedding ceremony last Tuesday, and since that time the Christian Crazies™ have built up an impressive head of righteous indignation. Thank goodness for Agape Press for rising to the bait and telling exactly why Dr. Ferragamo has now been blacklisted from all the holiest, jesusyest Christmas card lists:

The Washington Blade, a pro-homosexual publication in the nation's capital, was accurate on Friday when it predicted Rice's remarks would "rais[e] the eyebrows of conservative Christian leaders." Peter Sprigg, vice president for policy at the Family Research Council, says the secretary's comments were "profoundly offensive" and fly in the face of the Bush administration's endorsement of a federal marriage protection amendment, though that backing be less than enthusiastic.

"We have to face the fact that putting a homosexual in charge of AIDS policy is a bit like putting the fox in charge of the henhouse," says Sprigg. "But even beyond that, the deferential treatment that was given not only to him but his partner and his partner's family by the Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is very distressing."

Sprigg says in light of the Foley scandal, "it's inexplicable that a conservative administration would do such things." He also notes that Rice's comments defy an existing law on the books protecting traditional marriage. "So, for her to treat his partner like a spouse and treat the partner's mother as a mother-in-law, which implies a marriage between the two partners, is a violation of the spirit if not the letter of the Defense of Marriage Act," the FRC spokesman states.

Poor Condi, she'll just have to settle with being loved by everybody else in the world.

UPDATE -- Bonus Condifun! Check out the bewitching visage of a Condi/John Bolton half-and-half sideshow freak. Yay!

Condi 'n' Laura Preside over Gay Wedding at the State Department

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, right, swears in Mark A. Dybul, left, as the new coordinator of the U.S. Global AIDS Office during a ceremony at the State Department in Washington, Tuesday, Oct. 10, 2006. From left are, Dybul, First lady Laura Bush, Dybul's partner, Jason Claire, and Rice. REUTERS/Yuri Gripas (UNITED STATES)

Hmm, I can't help but notice, poring over the pictures from this event, that male Bushies are conspicuously absent from this photo-op. Even (perhaps especially) Josh Bolten! I wonder where they all were for this happy occasion? I bet they totally got stuck in traffic.

Also, notice who the snapper is? Yes! It's sparklefave Yuri Gripas, Condirazzi sublime and winner of the prestigious Sparkle Pony Iron Photo-opographer Challenge. Well, you all know that Yuri never lets us down, and always comes up with a shot so special, so magically wonderful, that it'll sate even the most insistent Condicravings for days. And today was no exception. Prepare yourself for a photograph so utterly beautiful that you'll burst into tears of joy. Scroll down when you're sure you've properly prepared yourself:

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A thing of beauty is a joy forever: it's loveliness increases;
it will never pass into nothingness. (Keats)

Oh, what a glorious tribute to two classy ladies! *sniff*

Condi Contemplates Pulling a "Basic Instinct" at the White House

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice sits in the Oval Office at the White House in Washington September 14, 2006. REUTERS/Jim Young (UNITED STATES)

Heck, she could do (and has done) a lot worse than picking Sharon Stone as a role model. Who do you think would run the fastest, Josh Bolten or Stephen Hadley? My money's on Bolten.

Josh Bolten Photo Fun

Condi's only public appearance late last week was this not-at-all-staged photo-op on Friday:

Official White House photograph in the Oval Office shows US President George W. Bush (L) with US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (R) and White House Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten after receiving news of the death of Al-Qaeda chief in Iraq Abu Musab al-Zarqawi 7 June.(AFP/White House/Eric Draper)

I think I can improve this one:

Much better!

What's Good for the Goose is Good for the Crazy-Eyed Gander

First Lady Laura Bush speaks with US Ambassador to the U.N. John Bolton, after she addressed the U.N. General Assembly during the High Level Meeting on HIV/AIDS at the United Nations in New York June 2, 2006. (Chip East/Reuters)

OK, so some of you (well, all of you, I hope) were totally grossed-out by the idea of George 'n' Condi combining forces to create a horrifying beast with two backs, so how about if I raise a spector even more blood curdling?

Here goes: Laura, enraged, gets back at George by flying into the arms of... John Bolton!

As soon as you stop violently retching, have a good weekend!

Best Date EVER!

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (L) and Chief of Staff Josh Bolten attend a news conference with U.S. President George W. Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair in the East Room of the White House in Washington, May 25, 2006. Blair said on Thursday it was the duty of the entire international community, as well as Britain and the United States, to support the new Iraqi government. REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst

Can you imagine? It's exciting to hear Bush speak, and it's always a thrill to listen to Blair, but both at the same time? Well, as you can see, nothing could be more fascinating to Josh 'n' Condi. Is it possible for two people to have more fun? Oh, I totally doubt it.

And also, thanks to Pony Pal™ David, we stumble across and try to process this information from Time Magazine:

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice took time out from matters of war
and peace to catch this week's finale of American Idol. Unlike many adults who claim they watch the show only because their kids commandeer the TV, Condi is an unabashed fan.

According to the State Department official, Idol isn't the only junk food on Condi's TV diet. She also watches Law & Order and was a fan of The Bernie Mac Show before its cancellation.

Condi 'n' Kofi: Too Close for Comfort

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (L) meets with UN Secretary General Kofi Annan at the United Nations in New York May 9, 2006. Foreign ministers of major powers failed to come up with a joint strategy for dealing with Iran after Tehran sought to influence the negotiations with a stunning last-minute diplomatic maneuver, officials said. (Chip East/Reuters)

Yes, yes, they make nice for the cameras; they hug and they kiss, and it's all a grand time, I'm sure. But body language doesn't lie:

Um, I'm sure they could have could have sat further apart from one another, but then they'd have to dig up an even longer couch. Make no mistake, Condi 'n' Kofi, as sitcom-ready as it sounds, just isn't a very good pairing. This is the price our beloved heroine must pay in New York: for every fabulous trip to Bergdorf's, there's a tiresome United Nations endurance challenge to suffer through. It's nice, though, to see that Condi's rebound relationship with sparkley-new British Foreign Minister Margaret Beckett has progressed rapidly to the delightful girlfriends-whispering-in-each-other's-ears phase:

And you know just exactly what she's saying, right? "Pssst... Maggie! If you see his mustache start to twitch, or if he starts compulsively straightening his eyeglasses, run like hell!"

But I think the day's most charming moment came when Condi bestowed a great, rare honor upon China's Li Zhaoxing:

Yes, she allowed Chinese Foreign Minister to briefly hold 'n' cuddle her invisible friend. Now that, Pony Pals™, is diplomacy.

It is Time...

...to lower the Hairdo Alert System:

I know... it's sad and frustrating, isn't it? After all, this is the only color-barred alert system you actually want to raise! This hurts me more than it hurts you, OK? But look, here's a couple of shots of Dr. Princess from yesterday:

(Reuters/Jim Young)


(AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

OK? The hairdo is just sitting their listlessly, and it's been in a holding pattern for months now, without even a simple "updo day" for relief. That's not good for this blog and, by extension, America. Tsk.

Mod Squad

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice , center, Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten, left, and National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley listen as President Bush and Chinese President Hu Jintao hold a press availability in the Oval Office of the White House in Washington Thursday, April 20, 2006. (AP Photo/Gerald Herbert)

Welcome to warm 'n' fuzzyland! Wheee! Look, these are our leaders! Wheee!

Card Out, Multicolored Novelty Chart Enthusiast In!

OMG, breaking! Andy Card has quit as Bush's Chief of Staff, and Josh Bolten will be stepping in. What a good moment to look back on Mr. Bolten's last Sparkle Pony appearance:

The White House is about to get a whole lot brighter... Astrobrighter!

Uh Oh... Is Michael John Bolton Losing It?

From this morning's AP report:

"We find an organization that is deeply troubled by bad management, by sex and corruption and by a growing lack of confidence in its ability to carry out missions that are given to them," Bolton told an audience at a Columbia Law School symposium held by the Federalist Society, a conservative law organization.

Good gosh! I'm looking forward to hearing Mr. Bolton's elucidation of these sex charges, aren't you?

Talk to the Hand

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice votes in favor of a U.N. Security Council resolution in New York October 31, 2005. (Keith Bedford/Reuters)

EDIT: The fake comment spamming has really gotten out of control. I have thereby activated Blogger's not-really-all-that-annoying word verification system for comments. Sigh.