Let's Begin Decade Two Of Princess Sparkle Pony By Returning To Its Core Values: Amazing Hairdos

(David Brock on The Ed Show, March 5)

Media Matters founder David Brock has had weird and confounding hair for some time now, but lately! My goodness, lately it's been astounding!

I'm seeing a lot of conservatives making fun of Brock's coiffure... and they're right! About the hairdo, anyway. But this really shows how bad a choice this is for Brock. Is he really unaware of how silly it has become? Isn't there somebody who can tell him? At this point, his bizarre reverse-mullet is actually starting to damage the credibility of his organization. "I wouldn't believe anything a guy of that hair says."

Update:

@RealSparklePony can confirm on record, all is fine on the hair front.  thanks for the concern.
— Bradley Beychok (@beychok) March 6, 2015

Beychok is the president of Media Matters.

I'm Going To Go Ahead And Say "His Bald Scalp"

(Screenshot from Media Matters.)

I don't know why it took me so long to notice George Will's really weird wig, but now that I have, I can't un-see it. Has it always been that obvious, or is it just looking particularly laughable lately? Honestly, this is like the department store sketch from Monty Python.

Looking through recent pictures, this seems to be a new... thing? It kind of freaks me out.

Hairdo Matters: Hairdos Matter!

(Getty Images)

If you want to read some really good hairdo journalism, Krissah Thompson and Lonnae O'Neal Parker have an excellent article over at the Washington Post about how Bill de Blasio's family of compare/contrast hairdos went a long way in solidifying his image as one to which a wide range of New Yorkers could easily relate.

I've often written here about how hairdos, far from "not mattering," can actually be crucial to a politician's success (or failure; see: John Edwards). In this case, the hairdos were practically surrogates for de Blasio's campaign, and successful ones at that.

So anyway, I don't have much else to say here that I haven't said before, so... golf clap. Well done, Parker and Thompson.

I'm telling you: Hillary better get her mercurial coiffure sorted out by 2016.

The Hairdo Beyond Space And Time

(Click for bigger.)

I'm sorry about the atrocious quality of the photo above, sneakily taken while waiting in line for lunch (Can you identify the food source? I bet you can!), but I was basically quaking, I was so excited and astounded.

Yes, her hair is buzzed to stubble all around and, as you can see, cut quite high above the ears, and capped with a magnificent burst of bleached, somewhat Jheri Curled afro. And it's not a wig, it's thrillingly real! And this wasn't a punk rocker or an extravagant fashion victim (you may argue that point), but just an apparently ordinary middle-aged secretary or administrator.

Perhaps it was her "shutdown hairdo"? I kept oscillating between What were you thinking? and I'm so glad you did!

Anyway, it was INTENSE. Like a gift from the hairdo gods.

Letting It Grow

(Image from The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T)

I had, at the end of October last year, a serious case of beard malaise. It was time to trim, but I was bored. Should I try a new configuration? Over the past couple of decades, I've sported just about every conceivable facial hairstyle: I've had muttonchops, goatees, van dykes, chinstraps, donegals, you name it. Frankly, I was bored. What to do? What hadn't I already done? Holding the clippers in my hand, I just couldn't decide.

Then I realized that there was one thing I hadn't done yet: simply letting it grow. So obvious! I put the clippers down.

So now I have a four-inch beard. It just reaches my shirt collar, but doesn't overlap it yet. It's very dense, very wavy. It's so much fun! You should totally do it! Here are some assorted observations and lessons learned:

• Reactions have been strongly positive both in and out of the workplace. I've only had one colleague tell me (to my face) that they flat-out didn't like it. 
• Some coworkers have shown some trepidation by asking, "So... just how... long... are you going to grow it?" I'm not sure! My standard response is, "At least long enough to make wearing a bow tie pointless."
• It's fun to realize that this is the longest any hair on my head has been in thirty years.
• I usually have kept my hair and beard very closely cropped, so I only ever needed one product in the shower: a bar of soap. Over the past few months, however, I've had to buy all sorts of things I haven't needed in decades, like... a brush! A comb! Shampoo! Conditioner! Styling products! 
• Speaking of styling products, I quickly discovered that mustache wax is neither optional nor just an affectation, unless I feel like having a mouthful of hair all day, which I don't, or having every beverage I drink run down my face with each sip, which isn't a particularly cute look. You can use wax to keep the mustache out of the way and have it still look natural; you don't have to make curlicues or go all Salvador Dali. After applying the wax (which takes some practice), you can comb and brush it out to look brushy and more-or-less normal.*
• On the other hand, why not use the wax to make curlicues or points?  The possibilities are endless. I did discover, however, that having three-inch-long hair spikes on either side of my mouth is perhaps a bit much for my workplace (ha ha, they'll get over it).
• One colleague said to me, "Whenever I grow out my beard, I start looking like a lumberjack or a bum." I replied, "That's where wardrobe comes in." You won't look like a lumberjack in a Luciano Barbera sport coat.
• People ask me about it SO MUCH! I expected that, but have still been surprised at just how much of a conversational topic it has become.
• Do I have a facial hair fetish? No. Beards don't "turn me on" in and of themselves. I do love facial hair, but I don't love it, if you know what I mean.
• Just in the last couple of weeks I've had complete strangers express their admiration for my beard. It's kind of strange. 
• I've always been insecure about my abnormally long neck. I got taunted for it all through school, and people have constantly commented upon it all my life. Now nobody can see it!

So anyway, my advice is this: if you can grow out your facial hair, you should do it! At least once. It's harmless and fun. My one regret is that I didn't do this a few years ago when I still had lots of red in my facial hair (all the red has turned completely white now).

I'll keep you posted with any noteworthy beard developments.

*Update: if your facial hair is long enough, and you're mustache-wax-curious, but would like to try it out before buying some, try plain ol' glue stick! It's basically the same stuff (a wax-based adhesive), holds really well, and washes out easily with soap and water.  I keep a dedicated stick at my desk at work for touch-ups.

My Mama Told Me Not To Use It / But If I Don't I'm Gonna Lose It

(Photo: HBO)

Everybody is pointing and laughing at the fantastic new photo of Al Pacino as Phil Spector today. And well they should! Is it possible to make a Phil Spector biopic without ludicrous hairdos? Of course not; why would you want to?

And, indeed, Pacino's coiffure is insane, ridiculous. But I'm sorry to say that it's also extremely inaccurate. Couldn't HBO, of all people, do a better job? Take a look at the real (I use that term loosely) thing:

(AP Photo, 2005)

Pacino's Spector-do is like a giant frizzy afro, while Spector's majestic wigsplosion is... a miracle of snaky teased waves. It's almost perfectly spherical, whereas the Pacino version is much more vertically oriented.

Whatever happened to bouffant accountability?

Great attention to wardrobe detail, though.

But still, OMG, this is going to be the best TV movie since the good-for-all-the-wrong-reasons Game Change.

PSP 2012 Year In Review Part 2: Callista Gingrich, Superstar

(January 1, AP Photo cropped)

From the second half of 2011 through the first half of 2012, nationwide interest in our Beloved Moon Goddess tripled the traffic to this blog, as Google had no choice but to cough up Princess Sparkle Pony, of course! whenever understandably curious citizens typed "Callista Gingrich hairdo" into their query-hole. And, indeed, Callista's hairdo and Callista herself were both utter delights throughout Newt's awkward, quixotic presidential campaign.

Callistayear 2011 ended with a bang when it was revealed that Calley-Lou's magnificent platinum orb was based upon an uncannily similar prototype from an early 60s Fantastic Four comic book (see above), and so Callistayear 2012 started off with high expectations. I was not to be disappointed.

• January 1: Compelling evidence that wire photographers are now being deliberately mean to Callista.
• January 2: Photographic proof of The Hairdo's immunity from strongly gusting wind.
• January 3: Callista channels Barbara Stanwyck:

• January 9: Ew, Newt 'n' Callista mash noses when they kiss.
• January 13: PSP warns of waning interest in Goddess Callista.
• January 18: Mean New Yorker caricature of Callista? So good. New Yorker article about Callista? Not so good.
• January 22: Newt Gingrich hand turkeys!
• January 23: Interest in our Beloved Moon Goddess and the Platinum Space Helmet suddenly explodes! Hairdo journalism abounds as journalists try desperately to make something, anything, about Callista other than her hairdo interesting. Most will fail.

• January 25: Did Newt's interest in the moon inspire The Hairdo? Or is it the other way around?
• January 26: Concern for The Hairdo intensifies as it becomes apparent that a dangerous on-the-road root job is required.
• January 27: Otherwise serious business journal sets aside business for a moment and gives The Hairdo a rave review.
• January 29: Concern turns to horror as on-the-road root job nearly fries The Hairdo.

• February 1: National Enquirer promises a titillating Callista Lesbian Shocker!
• February 3: Callistamania update includes Vice asking the Gingriches if they had an "open marriage," Financial Times calling Calley-Lou a throwback, and Buzzfeed revealing that her minions obsessively edit her Wikipedia page.
• February 7: French television stole ideas from PSP, while Maureen Dowd, who stood to benefit more by doing so, did not. 

• February 9: National Enquirer story turns out to be non-titillating lesbian non-shocker.
• February 12: NY Times describes The Hairdo as a fixed pale-blonde halo.
• February 14: Newt tells crowd of strangers that he's going to fuck Callista for Valentine's Day. Or maybe buy her a bracelet? Do I just have a dirty mind?

Perfection.

• February 18: Catty salesgirls mock Callista.
• February 23: Ew, it's that gross elephant furry again.
• March 6: The Hairdo's resemblance to the Great Wave of Kanagawa noted.
• March 14: Is is just me, or does Callista's hairdo just get better and better as Newt's campaign gets worse and worse.
• March 20: Poll reveals that to know our Beloved Moon Goddess is to dislike our Beloved Moon Goddess.

March 27

• March 28: Callista film festival simultaneously thrills, bores.
• April 17: By this point, Callista has become the "Where's Waldo?" of the Gingrich campaign, as they realize people think she's weird and creepy. Their natural response is to relegate her to rooms full of captive children in out of the way places.
• April 25: Tragedy for Callistafans as Newt goes down in flames. My wrap-up: "Eventually Newt will die first, and then the Goddess Callista will be up for grabs!"
• April 30: Now that the boring campaign is over, it's party time!

OMG, HI!

• May 22: Everybody in the Gingrich family is broke except for... Callista!
• June - September: Four whole months with no Callista! How did we survive?
• October 1: Calley-Lou trots out new Ellis the Elephant book, reminds us that she, herself, is, in fact, boring.*
• November 12: Barbara Walters praises The Hairdo, then hilariously asks Callista and Newt about adultery.

*And that is, really, what we learned about Callista: she is boring. But then how to explain everything above in this post? How can somebody so boring generate so many thrills?

In this case, it really is the hairdo. Even today, it still has a hold on me... an extra super hold.

Praise it!

Next: PSP's year of esoteric, inscrutable and/or dumb comics.

PSP Political Star Of The Year Award, 2012!

(Uncredited photo via)

You might be surprised by my choice, but it's fabulous Josh Mandel of Ohio! My obsession with Mandel began earlier this year, when every time I would stumble across a photo of him, I'd recoil instinctively, only to return, fascinated, to study his blatantly wicked countenance. Eventually I snapped out of a trance induced by his bizarre hairline long enough to actually read about him, and learned that he is exactly the kind of smirky, terrible, frat-boy conservative he appears to be.  It's as if one of the villains from Animal House were running for senate.

And, yes, his hair is deeply weird and maybe even psychotic, and it goes from thrilling new style to thrilling new style. Buzzed here, pomaded there... what will Josh do with his difficult hair next? It's exciting.

Here's another picture:

(Photo: ohio.gov)

Look, I know it seems like I carp on people's appearance a lot, but I generally keep it to criticism of their choices and habits, like clothing and hairdos and hand gestures, rather than of innate physical characteristics over which they have no control. I don't think, for instance, that I've ever made fun of a politician for being "fat." I guess my two major infractions would be my obsession with Robert Gates adorable teensiness and Condi's occasional resemblance to a Klingon.

That said, isn't Josh Mandel one of the most wonderfully scary and creepy Republican villains you've ever seen? He reminds me of an evil ventriloquist dummy from a horror movie, or a Brooks Brothers mannequin from the 1950s come chillingly to life:

(Photo: Rollcall)

It's almost (Almost! Not really! Just kidding!) too bad that Mandel is almost certainly going to lose against Sherrod Brown. Even his hometown paper called him the "cartoon candidate." How can I not love him? And how can you not love that this ghastly specter is the GOP's nightmare version of youthfulness?

So it's sad, because my Josh Mandel obsession is cresting just as he's about to vanish from the national stage. Something tells me, though, that there's a lot more Josh Mandels whence this one came.

Californians: You Owe It To Comedy To Vote For Orly Taitz In Today's Primary

Pony Pal Matt emailed me yesterday and let me know all about California's weird senate primary, where basically everyone gets to vote for anybody and then the top two face off in November. The choices, it seems, are Dianne Feinstein, a bunch of nobodies and Republicans, and... Orly Taitz! "I'm voting for Taitz in the primary," explains Matt, "strictly for comedic purposes." He's right! If you aren't familiar with the multi-hyphenated Ms. Taitz, all you really need to know is this: she has incredible hair, she is profoundly ridiculous, and she is incapable of uttering more than two consecutive words and still making sense. I can't think of anything more entertaining than a Feinstein/Taitz debate. OMG, please let it happen.

Californians: you know what to do.

Reprint: Interview With Diane Noomin, 1995

It is a cause for great celebration that Fantagraphics Books has now released Glitz-2-Go, the overdue collected comics of Diane Noomin, long one of my favorite cartoonists. Artists like Noomin, Kim Deitch, Aline Kominsky-Crumb, Justin Green, and Noomin's husband, Bill Griffith, were an important bridge between the profane antics of the underground cartoonists of the 1960s and the later, more personal and often autobiographical work which became prevalent in the alternative comics of the 1980s and 90s.These artists' comics appeared in a broad range of now-defunct publications and obscure anthologies, so collections like this are especially welcome. You can see a preview and pdf sample for the new book here, but why not purchase it here, direct from the artist?

Diane Noomin's comics cover quite a bit of territory, from the broad (ha, ha) farce of her Didi Glitz stories to penetrating social satire and revealing autobiography. At her best, such as in her harrowing story of multiple miscarriages discussed below, she manages to combine all of the above approaches to devastating effect. This story alone makes this collection worth reading.

I interviewed Ms. Noomin for Hypno Magazine in 1995 via telephone, and later met her in person at the San Diego Comic Con. She had just finished editing a new series of Twisted Sisters comics, her influential anthology of female cartoonists, and was finalizing the collected volume, Twisted Sisters 2: Drawing the Line, so she was busy indeed.  Later, the magazine came out and the interview was so obnoxiously designed (a Hypno trademark) it looked like a computer had had a nervous breakdown, so I'm re-typing it here rather than subjecting you to ugly scans. The interview follows:

PH: You just finished both editing and contributing to the new Twisted Sisters anthology for Kitchen Sink Press. Was that a tough juggling act?

DIANE NOOMIN: Yes, it was really tough. It's really hard to be an editor of your peers and a cartoonist at the same time. I had to wear a lot of different hats. It was hard, especially, since the first Twisted Sisters was work that had already been in print, so it was just a question of finding stuff I liked and getting permission to use it. There was a lot of work involved, but I didn't have to worry about hassling people about deadlines, or someone deciding that they wanted to do twelve pages instead of ten, or someone deciding to do only three pages when they had promised ten. There were more immediate and pressing problems... dealing with people's personal lives and trying to be sympathetic. I think I was somewhere between a den mother and a drill sergeant.

PH: Mary Fleener affectionately referred to you as an "editress," but also as a Jewish Earth Mother.

DN: [laughs] I don't know if that's about my hips, or what! I guess I'll take it as a compliment.

PH: Your new long story, "Baby Talk", is an excruciatingly personal tale of multiple miscarriages. Was it a cathartic experience to write it?

DN: At times it was. I may not know for a while, because I just finished it, and I'm still pretty close to it. I think that one of the reasons I did it was that I was hoping it would be a cathartic experience. It's interesting, because you find yourself choking up and getting really emotional about something, and then the artist part of you jumps in and says, "Great! I can use that!" There are a lot of powerful emotions involved, but you have to figure out how to not just vomit it out on the page, but turn it into something that people will respond to and want to read.

PH: Was it difficult to inject humor into that story?

DN: Surprisingly, it wasn't that difficult. I was worried about that. I really don't want to do something that people would think, oh, this is a whining story, and who cares, and it's just another story about women's bodily functions. I was really concerned about that. The humor came in when I decided to use Didi Glitz, with these intervals of me and Didi talking. That was a natural source of humor, and that was really fun for me and sort of a needed break.

PH: In the story, you begin with a fictional couple, and then Didi Glitz gets fed-up and literally pulls you from behind that mask and forces you to tell your own story, honestly, without fictionalizing it. Was that planned originally?

DN: [laughs] It wasn't planned. Actually, the story behind "Baby Talk" is that I tried to do that story off and on for a long time, and I think I had the first page-and-one-half for about five years, and I couldn't do it. I just couldn't face it. I wasn't really ready to do the story and deal with the subject of miscarriages. In fact, the subtitle of the story is "A Tale of [3 crossed out] 4 Miscarriages".

PH: Because in the meantime, since starting the story, you had...

DN: Another miscarriage. Finally, I knew it was what I wanted to do for the new Twisted Sisters, but I didn't want to do it the same way. I first wanted to do it indirectly, hiding behind Didi's sister as my fictional stand-in. I didn't want to do it that way anymore, but I didn't want to scrap the work I'd already done! [laughs] I did have some doubts and fears about coming out from behind the mask as well, so I incorporated that, too.

PH: It certainly makes the story more complex, narratively, than your earlier work.

DN: Well, it's fun. It's fun to play with that, the whole notion of being a cartoonist and "how real is your cartoon character?"

PH: It's amazing that you're telling this horrifying tale to Didi Glitz while doing her hair and painting her toenails!

DN: Well, that's what I meant by breaking it up!

PH: It does, but it doesn't take away from the immediacy of the story, which is tremendously affecting.

DN: I'm glad. It was a very tricky juggling act to deal with something so personal and horrific, and turn it into something that people will want to read.

PH: Let's talk more about Didi Glitz. She's been around for roughly twenty years now. Can you tell me something about her origin?

DN: It's sort of complicated. The first Didi story appeared in Wimmen's Comix [Last Gasp, 1974], and it was "She Turned to Crime," where Didi robs a bank and goes to Rio. [laughs] I think she started out as a Halloween costume. I had this bubble wig and leopard skin outfit. I had a roommate at the time, Willie Murphy, a cartoonist, who called me Didi. It's really based on living in Brooklyn in the early 60s.

PH: Is Didi Glitz an alter-ego, or more of a foil to your personality?

DN: That's sort of complicated. She's an alter-ego in that she's very brash, and there's certainly a part of me that would have liked to stay in Brooklyn and eat bagels for the rest of my life. Didi is definitely very real, and a part of me, but she's also a way to create satire and comment on certain types of people, and women's roles and all that stuff.

PH: Is that Nancy's bow on Didi's head?

DN: I never thought of that! [laughs] It looks like it could be. It's rigid enough.

PH: What's in a Golden Cadillac, Didi's favorite drink? Do you like them?

DN: It's Galliano, Triple Sec, and cream. Not bad as far as festive beverages go.

PH: How about Mai Tais? Didi guzzles plenty of those, too.

DN: Mai Tais are good. I like large drinks in coconut shells with umbrellas and pineapple. I go for trimmings.

PH: How have you and your husband influenced each other? I noticed your swipe from his Zippy book Are We Having Fun Yet [Dutton, 1985] in your "I Had to Advertise for Love." [Young Lust, 1990]

DN: He did that earlier?

PH: Yes, the exact same pose (see below, Noomin on the left, Griffith on the right):

DN: Hmmm. I'll have to look it up.

PH: It wasn't intentional?

DN: No... that must be a subconscious influence.

PH: Well then, I guess that's a good example of how you influence each other!*

DN: Also, when we started going out, Bill was already an established cartoonist, and he took it real seriously, and he was at the drawing board being a complete workaholic, so just having someone around who was drawing all the time was a big influence on me getting serious about it.

PH: Bill drew himself in "Baby Talk", and Didi made guest appearances in Zippy. Are you two planning on any further collaborations?

DN: We're not really planning anything. I guess sometimes it just happens. I asked him to do that in "Baby Talk". It just seemed like the right approach, because it was such a personal story, and it was his story as well. I did tell him what to draw and what to say! [laughs]

 

DN: But in terms of influencing him, I'll just say what I think, and if he wants to... Neither one of us are super great at taking criticism. You sort of pout for a while, and think about what they said, and end up changing it. We worked on the screenplay together for the Zippy movie.

PH: Ah, yes, the Zippy movie...

DN: On that level, I got very involved with his work. I was writing the screenplay with him, and it was his characters, so that was very interesting. It's gone off and on for, I don't know, nine years or something.

PH: Do you think it will ever get made?

DN: I have no idea. It's possible. We've had many entertaining Hollywood meetings. At this point, I'm very skeptical.

PH: Is Didi Glitz in the screenplay?

DN: No, I wouldn't want to do that. I wouldn't want to throw it away. I have plans for her.

PH: Would you ever attempt to do a daily strip?

DN: I actually tried that for about a week-and-a-half, and I thought I'd have a nervous breakdown. It's very difficult. Just sitting there and having that pressure. It's kinda like writing a Zen haiku each time.

PH: At least it should be, unlike most daily strips.

DN: Unlike Marmaduke! [laughs]

PH: You mentioned earlier an affection for Family Circus.

DN: Well, it's grown on me. It's very surreal. Bill showed me a recent one where one of the kids was imagining himself as an old man, and he had a beard, but he still looked exactly the same!

PH: Your work, on the other hand, is often very sexually graphic. Any comments?

DN: It's kind of liberating the first time you do that; you sort of shock yourself, and then it's kinda fun.

PH: You get pretty extreme, what with Didi and her poodle!

DN: That's part of the fun, to take it as far as you can. When you think about Didi, and you think about poodles, it's not all that unlikely.

PH: Do you consider yourself a feminist?

DN: I consider myself a feminist. Certainly there are people who won't, but I'm a feminist and I think it's good to do sexual material, and make fun of sex, and not think that there are certain bodily functions that we shouldn't talk about because we're feminists. I think that's... fucked up. I believe in the First Amendment extremely, and there are lots of things in print that I don't like, and I think are horrible... but there are a lot of people who don't like my work, and don't want to see it in print.

PH: Did you get any flack for "Lesbo a Go Go", in which Didi is seduced by a lesbian, and it all turns out to be a cruel trick?

DN: No. [laughs] I didn't. I've had people ask, "How come there are no lesbians in Twisted Sisters?" and my first reaction is, well, how do you know there aren't? My second reaction is that I don't care who you fuck, I just care about how you draw!

Disclosures: Oh, hey, look at that! I'm surprised to see that my introduction to the original Hypno article, not included here, is quoted on the back of the new book, and credited to the magazine rather than to me, which is kind of funny because who remembers Hypno? Also, in the "WTF kind of small world do we inhabit" department, Diane's first husband is my current boss at the National Gallery of Art.

*Actually, looking at this years later, I'm positive they were probably both "swiping" from the same source. Also:

Callistaproduct Abhors A Vacuum

No new Callista news! Nope, none at all. No new wire photos, no new "lesbian shockers", nothing.

That didn't stop Amy Gardner at the Washington Post, however, from producing a wonderfully unnecessary story about our favorite Moon Vixen to fill today's gap in Callistaproduct. It turns out that Callista is ever-so-timidly stepping into the spotlight, but mainly is quiet and not very interesting. So there! Now you know! We just keep learning new and surprising things about Callista, every day.

This concludes today's utterly pointless Callista Roundup!

UPDATE!! It turns out there is a fab new Callistapic today after all, and it's a doozy (and you can click to worship it supersized!):

Callista Gingrich, wife of Republican presidential candidate, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich meets with Republican supporters at a Smashburger restaurant, Tuesday, Feb. 14, 2012, in San Diego. (AP Photo/Gregory Bull)

BEST CALLISTA HAIRDO PIC EVER!!!

UPDATE AGAIN! As if to demonstrate that no news is good news, Politico hops onto the Callista non-news bandwagon with a NEW non-news story about how Callista is ever-so-timidly stepping into the spotlight, but mainly is quiet and not very interesting. The more you know!

Callista Gingrich Goes To Airports, Just Like Regular People!

(Photo by: The Georgetown Dish)

Put the phrases "Callista Gingrich" and "next first lady" in the same article, and THAT is what I call hard-hitting Callistagoddess reportage: The Empress Gingrich, immaculately turned out, was spotted enduring Dulles Airport's shuttle train with bedazzled, gawking inferiors. Did she lash out at these ants, laying waste to those who dared speak to her, who even looked directly into her eyes? No! She managed to get through it all by acting perfectly pleasant and even making light chit-chat! It is exactly like a fairy tale. How does she do it? My god, she is totally even pulling her own wheelie carry-on thingy, like a saint. Just like a saint!

And everybody knows that old-timey saints got their powers from their halos, which were not just artistic conventions but real objects powered by a kind of technology known only by Jesus. And so, too, does this latter-day saint (LOL, sorry), this majestic, most aglitter point on the holy trinity that is Newt Gingrich's combined wives, have a halo of her own, a celestial orb of gossamer titanium with its magic Bézier tentacle forever reaching for the great beyond.

Whoops! Sorry, I fell into a Callista hairdo reverie again.

America's Next First Lady!!!!

Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, and his wife Callista Gingrich speak after the debate at the Benjamin Johnson Arena, Saturday, Nov. 12, 2011 in Spartanburg, S.C. (AP Photo/Richard Shiro)

OMG, have you heard? Newt's rising in the polls! Personally, I credit not Cain's and Perry's gaffestreams (I just made that word up. Good, isn't it?) but the continuing presence of Goddess Callista everywhere he goes. As you can see above, Callista is always ready, willing and able to bite all comers. Watch out, Herman! Watch out, Rick! Watch out, Mittens!

Did you know that Callista Gingrich's bite strength is greater than a mountain lion's? No? Well, that's probably because I just made that up, too.

And I know you guys LOVE close-ups, so here you go:

Happy Monday!

Junk Drawer/Sketchbook: Glori Comics And Stories

In the early 90s, I worked as a full-time promoter for an animated film festival. The festival "four-walled" theaters in certain cities, and I was part of a five- or six-person team which would typically arrive in the city three or four weeks ahead of time to promote the show, and then to run the show (the box office, t-shirt and video sales, etc.) once it opened.

Sometimes we rented university halls for our exhibition space, sometimes independent single-screen houses, and sometimes just regular chain movie theaters, like Edwards or Harkins. One of the fun things is that you never knew what kind of weird native staffs you'd have to deal with. Usually they were just the usual assortment of bored and lazy high school students and young college hipsters, but every once in a while there would be a real oddity, a totally memorable employee, whether it was because they were particularly funny or interesting, or because they were bizarre and unfathomable. Glori was an example of the latter.

Glori was a concessions worker at a Southern California chain movie theater with, I think, two screens. I'm not going to name the city or theater, but I've checked to make sure Glori herself doesn't have any kind of online presence, because Glori was her real name, and it's an integral part of what made her such a charming, peculiar character. Poor Glori: she was gangly and awkward, with a curious cloud of frizzy pale blond hair floating above a pair of bulging eyes and a vacant, slack-jawed expression. She was jittery and high-strung, jumpy and skittish. We loved Glori. We genuinely liked her (unlike the rest of the theater staff, who routinely snubbed her), and went out of our way to be nice to her, all the while marveling over her other-worldliness. I know that sounds kind of mean; what can I say?

Soon enough I was drawing pictures and comics starring Glori, some of which featured her in unlikely scenarios, and some of which were based on stories she told us about her own life, her likes and dislikes, etc. I just came across these drawings for the first time in many years, so I'll be featuring them in a couple of posts. Some of them I'm scanning as-is, while others have been doctored up, colored, etc. Here's the basic Glori character design, showing her in her theater uniform:

And a typical page of Glori comics (click for bigger) scrawled in pencil on popcorn-stained paper:

Note: the bottom two panels above are firmly based on reality. Glori LOVED Barney Miller reruns, and profusely thanked us for any and all kindnesses and considerations. Sometimes we imagined that Glori's hairdo led an exciting life of its own:

On the other hand, we always knew that Glori would always be Glori, no matter what:

More to come!

Rick Perry Hand Turkeys!

Republican presidential candidate Texas Gov. Rick Perry arrives at the Republican Leadership Conference at the Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island, Mich., Saturday, Sept. 24, 2011. (AP Photo/Carlos Osorio)

Who is this Rick Perry? A better question seems to be "Who isn't Rick Perry?" He isn't Mitt Romney; he mostly isn't Michele Bachmann; and now, officially, he also isn't Herman Cain. So I guess that brings us back to our original question: Who is Rick Perry? The Hand Turkeys™ are here to help, sort of:

UPDATE: Vindication! Talking Points Memo referred to Rick Perry today as "Fred Thompson-eque." I can't find the link now, though.