Are You Ready for Formal Ursula?

Austrian Vice Chancellor Wilhelm Molterer, Foreign Minister Ursula Plassnik and Education Minister Claudia Schmied, from left, during the opening of Vienna's traditional Opera Ball, on Thursday, Jan. 31, 2008, at Vienna's State Opera. (AP Photo/Hans Klaus Techt, Pool)

If this public appearance doesn't cement the affable Austrian giantess' reputation as the Anti-Condi in every way, I don't know what could. Ursula, tonight, was ab so lute ly stunning; almost regal, but relaxed. Oh, Ursula, please come and rescue us all!

And which one is her date, hmm?

This Time It's the Frog Who Comes to Rescue the Princess

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, right, greets French Defense Minister Herve Morin, Thursday, Jan. 31, 2008, in the Treaty Room of the State Department in Washington. (AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta)

It's Condi's new boyfriend! Remember him? OMG, these new French people are so much better than the old ones! Who ever would have guessed that The French would end up being so proud to be American? Um, OLÉ!

Hooves up to Manuel Balce Ceneta for finding a fresh angle at a really stale local. I'm impressed. I bet he'll clean Gripas' clock at the next Photo-Opographer Challenge.

BREAKING: Jean Schmidt Got a New, "Less Severe" Hairdo

Why would anybody report this without providing pictures? Oh, cruel The Hill:

Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-Ohio) has been told she is looking younger these days with a brand new hairdo that gives her a more relaxed image. She has unraveled what used to be a tight slicked-back bun on her head and now wears her locks in a looser, more elegant style. The key to her new look: no more bows.

“It’s a new year, she wanted to try something different,” said Schmidt spokesman Ben LaRocco. “The first time I noticed it I thought she looked great.”

He added: “We’ve been getting great feedback. Don’t get me wrong, I try to be stylish but I don’t notice every detail. It was a kind of change. I don’t know whether it’s going to go back or what. She makes that decision every day. I’m not part of the decision process. I don’t pick out her outfits, either.”

Please, Hill Pony Pals! We MUST HAVE photos!

UPDATE: Pony Pal Supreme™ Fritz sends along the following from his mighty CSPAN archive:

And that's from January 29, so unless Mean Jean got her hair cut yesterday (possibly!), then I'm not buying this "less severe" business. I mean... is it just shorter and puffier in the back? I don't get it.

Ha Ha! They're Going to Nominate McCain! Wheee!

Catholic Panties in a Bunch over Nuns Whose Panties Seem to be In a Bunch

Click for larger, uncensored, inappropriate for humorless, prudish work environments*.

Yes, well, *ahem*. It's an ad for a gym, OK? And some church people aren't amused. I'm assuming that WCVB Boston, however, is deeply grateful to the Catholics for giving them a valid reason to show a hot model's nude derrière on their web site and, presumably, on their newscast. The church gets publicity, the gym gets valuable free advertising... everybody wins!

So anyway, some thin-skinned guy says the ad “portrays a callous contempt for the sensibility of Catholics." Silly man! Hasn't he heard of ritual role inversion? You know, it's like when the boss puts on an apron and passes out hors d'oeuvre at the Christmas party? Everybody chuckles because they recognize that roles have been switched, and so the status quo is charmingly reaffirmed. Get it? It's funny because it's backwards!

So, in other words, OMG, we KNOW that nuns can't draw! That's why it's funny!

*The whole "Not Safe for Work" thing on the internet always makes me laugh. Not that I look at erotica on my work computer, mind you. That would be inappropriate! I did, for a while, however, have a black and white glossy photograph of Georgia O'Keeffe's pudenda face up on a pile of stuff on my desk for several weeks... but that's, you know, work. I also had to have a most unfortunate coworker (Ooooh, sorry Christina, I still feel bad about that!) scan and exhaustively retouch many, many photographs of Georgia O'Keeffe's vagina, something which would get the both of us at least reprimanded at most other workplaces.

Also: Jesus penis! Oh, sure, scholars may prefer to call it ostentatio genitalis, but it'll always be kiddie porn to me.

Now That We're All Totally Over Being Wild for Boyzilians, Let's Get Back to Condi

Albanian Foreign Minister Lulzim Basha, left, meets with Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Tuesday, Jan. 29, 2008, at the the State Department in Washington. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)

It's pretty much back to normal for Condi, and that means returning to the classic photo-ops! Seen above, she's back cozied in her nest of matching armchairs in the State Department's luxury greeting salon with the not unpleasant looking Albanian diplobot. Yesterday she did a "dueling podiums" with Stephen Smith, the Australian Condi:

(AP Photo)

And, you know, I love how she looks kinda fed-up in the above shot. Maybe the press conference was boring (it was)? Poor thing, after being swept up in luxury travel and ski lodges and parties with predatory birds in Dubai and lovely strawberry drinks... well, wouldn't you get bored at a routine presser, too?

There was a funny part, though: flirting! Here are the two discussing their favorite topic:

FOREIGN MINISTER SMITH: Could I say that from a selfish, personal point of view, as a person who comes from Perth and Western Australia, one of the most enjoyable parts of the meeting was inviting the Secretary to come to visit Perth and Western Australia, which I’m happy to announce she gratefully accepted, so I’m very pleased to say that not only will formal conversations continue in the usual way, but at some stage in the course of this year, we’ll see Secretary Rice in Perth and Western Australia. Thank you.

SECRETARY RICE: I very much look forward to that and I see smiles on the faces of my traveling press corps, so look forward to it.

Yay for trips! Yay for traveling press corps! Everybody wins!

I Screamed and Screamed as the Floodwaters Advanced and My Wife Gave Birth in a Snake-Filled Tree

Now that, Pony Pals™, is how to write a headline. I wish I could take credit for it, but those laurels rest upon the venerated National Enquirer, who ran (and illustrated!) that exact headline sometime during the mid-80s. Yes, I'm having tabloid nostalgia. But still, I don't, honestly, expect it to ever be topped.

But! I think I have a new runner-up for favorite headline ever:

BOYZILIANS. I, too, am currently going wild right this very second for boyzilians. Please repeat the excellent headline over and over, at least ten times, until you, too, are wild for boyzilians. Now we are all. WILD. For Boyzilians! Stay klassy, Guardian UK!

Swish of the combable tail to Pony Pal Adam!

OMG McCain/Condi Rumor

(AP Photo 04-12-07)

Oh, sure, Robert Novak just sort of threw it out there, but can you stand it? Walnuts 'n' Rice?!! Vice. President. Condi. I would have a seriously hard time voting against that.

The latest Condi Roundup is up at Wonkette, and it covers a couple of things I didn't get to over here, including a link to a surprising analysis of Condi by, of all people, Oliver North. Happy Monday!

I'm Worried About Peggy Noonan

Oh, sure, Peggy's latest article starts off innocently and predictably enough with disparaging Bill Clinton (she even admits as much), but then she makes the most extraordinary statement:

There are many serious and thoughtful liberals and Democrats who support Mr. Obama and John Edwards, and who are seeing Mr. Clinton in a new way and saying so.

Did you catch that? There are many serious and thoughtful liberals and Democrats? OMG. Is she on drugs?

And then it gets more amazing as she reveals that the Republican Party has been destroyed by... no, not Clinton! By George W. Bush!

Somebody please call an Olsen twin get the poor woman an ambulance. She's obviously delirious.

Colombians Prepare Warm Welcome for Princess Diplomat

Demonstrators shout slogans in Medellin during a protest against the visit of U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice to Colombia January 23, 2008. Rice will lead a group of U.S. lawmakers on a trip to Colombia on Thursday and Friday to help build support for a free trade pact with that country and to discuss regional security issues, the State Department said. The poster reads "Wanted for war crimes. Yankees get out of Colombia, Iraq and the whole world". REUTERS/Albeiro Lopera (COLOMBIA)

A very warm welcome, indeed:

(AP)

Fun Lovin' War Criminals

Please caption this photo ("Smell my finger" is disqualified):

(AP Photo/Keystone, Peter Klaunzer)

And another great "The cheese stands alone" photo:

(AP Photo/Keystone, Peter Klaunzer)

And, you know, I totally think this photo explains why Condi always crosses her legs so tightly: those crafty wire photographers are forever trying to get a panty shot.

Reuters Condirazzi Stefan Wermuth: Shoe Fetishist or Just Bored?

Picture shows the shoes of U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice as she crosses her legs following her key-note speech at the World Economic Forum (WEF) in the Swiss Alpine resort town of Davos January 23, 2008. Rice offered Iran normal ties if it drops nuclear plans. REUTERS/Stefan Wermuth (SWITZERLAND)

Excuse me, but WTF? Don't get me wrong, because I've always bemoaned the lack of Condi shoe coverage, but what exactly is going on here? In any event, they don't look like Ferragamos to me, and the heels don't look quite high enough to be Jimmy Choos. They might be these $525 Manolo Blahniks. Can a lady with extensive shoe knowledge help me out here? And just in case that shot didn't make you uncomfortable enough, here's another from Mr. Wermuth:

This one, I believe, tips the scales in the direction of "bored and/or arty" rather than fetishy:

In any event, Blahniks or not, I think this one pretty much says it all:

Side note: has anybody ever noticed my file naming conventions? I always name the photos "CondiMonthDayYear" followed by "a, b, c" etc. Today I'm up to "g", and that's extraordinarily rare. I think I got up to "f" a few days ago. This is looking like an outstanding year of Condi watching!

Condi 'n' Micheline!

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (L) shakes hands with Swiss Federal Councillor Micheline Calmy-Rey prior to a meeting at Zurich Airport in Kloten January 23, 2008. REUTERS/Christian Hartmann (SWITZERLAND)

Woo hoo! It's Micheline! I tried so hard to make Micheline a blogstar, but she's just so... well, so neutral. But still, it's nice to see her again! Also, she has the weirdest podiums ever:

It's another whirlwind tour of Europe for Condi! She was in Germany yesterday, and today she's set to head up some economic forum at a ski resort. Cross your fingers for some Condi Snowbunny photos!

I just wish photographers would stop doing this:

Senator Vitter's Lonely Whores Club

Photo from here.

So totally heartwarming! Pony Pal™ John sent the following:

I thought of you this weekend when we were in New Orleans for the Krewe du Vieux parade. It's very rude & always features politically satire, and this year they had (unfortunately) a lame Beatles theme (Magical Misery Tour). This led to one of the floats being Sgt. Vitter's Lonely Whores Club Band, and the float had windows with
silhouettes of what appeared to be a prostitute taking a dump of Vitter's head [See above].

I love New Orleans.

There was also a Vitter Family Values float with a Wendy's (his wife is named Wendy) theme, and all the members of that sub-krewe dressed up as the fast food Wendy with the red pigtails.

The whole parade was a treasure trove of amazing images, most of which we were unable to capture on our crappy cameras.

But it warms my heart to know that on a cold winter night, the people of New Orleans will march down Royal Street dressed up as their Senator in a diaper.

Oh, me too, John, me too!

Pro-Life, Sure, but Not Pro-Spelling

It was that "March for Life" thing on the Mall today, and those people were absolutely swarming in and around my workplace. Seriously, during things like this, the National Gallery of Art just becomes a glorified restroom with Rembrandts. And once again, these people trash the Mall like no other protesters. My favorite moment of the day was having a "waitaminute" moment when I spied an eight-year-old girl holding a sign saying I Vote Pro-Life. Um... no you don't, honey.

This year, though, I sensed an opportunity for profit, so I asked the Wonketeers if they would like me to take some pictures of the grisly spectacle, and they said, "Yes, please!" So head on over there, won't you, and cringe along with me!

As an aside, when I was putting together this entry, I came across this oldy, one of the most ridiculous posts I've ever done here, and the belated comments are absolutely priceless. People pick the strangest times to take this blog seriously.

Quickie: It'd Be So Much Simpler If Oprah Were Running

It's not every day that CNN runs an entire article about people criticizing one of their stories, but I'll give them credit for doing just that. Recently, they ran a story which stated that black women voters were in a quandary, paralyzed by having to choose between race and gender, and implied that these two aspects of the race trumped all others. Issues? What issues? The reaction was swift and scornful, and I especially enjoyed this response:

"Duh, I'm a black woman and here I am at the voting booth. Duh, since I'm illiterate I'll pull down the lever for someone. Hm... Well, he black so I may vote for him... oh wait she a woman I may vote for her... What Ise gon' do? Oh lordy!"

Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice leans to kiss the cheek as she announces the retirement of Undersecretary of State for Political Affairs Nicholas Burns, left, Friday, Jan. 18, 2008, at the State Department in Washington. (AP Photo/Gerald Herbert)

Uh-ohs, Condi is losing one of the people who does the real work for her! I'm not going to pretend to be very familiar with Mr. Burns, but he worked for Madeleine and Warren, so I think that means he's a commie and good riddance. You know how the neocons complain that George is too influenced by Condi who's too influenced by the evil, career diplomats at the State Department? And that's why we don't go ahead and bomb Iran? OK, I'm pretty sure Burns is the type of guy they're complaining about. So, yay! That's one less person to wag a finger when Cheney wants to nuke Tehran! Um, yay!

And actually, Condi looks happy to see him go. She also looks wasted:

Coaching from the Sidelines

This is so totally cute! Here's the Bad One taking a set of matching armchairs out for a spin:

U.S. President George W. Bush (R) shakes hands with the Special Envoy for Sudan, Richard Williamson, in the Oval Office of the White House in Washington January 17, 2008. REUTERS/Jason Reed (UNITED STATES)

Nicely executed photp-op! It's because he learned from the best! Because, indeed, look who's there to whisper on-the-spot tips to her dull-witted boss:

In other words, CONDI'S BACK!! I wish she had stayed over there a little bit longer because that was totally one of the best Conditrips of recent memory. Now we can all move forward with, I hope you'll agree, a renewed optimism for many more peculiar and uncomfortable Condimoments to come in 2008.

And, finally, a quick aside to my fellow DC residents: OMG, THERE'S A HALF INCH OF MELTY SLUSH ON THE GROUND! QUICK! CLOSE THE SCHOOLS AND GET INTO CAR ACCIDENTS!!!

"Not All Presidents Named George were Churlish Cretins," Claims Laura Bush

First lady Laura Bush speaks at the 'George Washington's Return to School' ceremony at Washington Mill Elementary School Tuesday, Jan. 15, 2008 near Mt. Vernon, Va. (AP Photo/Kevin Wolf)

Quickie: Condi's #2 on a List She Shouldn't Be On At All

Do with this information what you will:

The survey also found that Michelle Obama, the wife of Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama, was considered by almost one in five respondents as the sexiest woman in politics.

She was followed by Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, with 17.5 percent, first lady Laura Bush on 16.3 percent and Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton with 14 percent.

Among former presidents, Bill Clinton emerged as the sexiest former US leader, beating Ronald Reagan by 58.8 percent to 21.7 percent.

What? Are those truly "the sexiest women in politics" or are they actually "the only women in politics respondents could think of"?

Condibot Holding Up Well in Saudi Arabia

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, left, and Saudi Arabia's Foreign Minister Prince Saud Al Faisal, listen to reporters during a joint press conference in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia Tuesday, Jan. 15, 2008. (AP Photo/Hasan Jamali)

Not noted in the caption: they are seated on really cool chairs. Two hooves way up! But, OK, so on Monday I posited that it was not the real Condoleezza Rice in the Middle East with George, but her proxy, the Animagic Condibot. And I stand by that claim! Here, look:

REUTERS/Ali Jarekji (SAUDI ARABIA)

So the Condibot spent, I guess, like 120 minutes in Iraq this morning? Well done! In and out super quick and efficient, just like... just like... no, sorry, I lost it.

But back to the fun-lovin' Saudi kingdom, where the Condibot has performed beautifully, in a manner of speaking, as George's walking stick, photo-op companion, arms-deal witness and Jesus tourist. I think it's safe to say that the cleverly-crafted robot spent the lion's share of the day signing things, being photographed and talking to reporters, and that's her job! That's what Condi does! Yay! Also, I like how this trip seems like they're all making little forays and then scurrying back to the cozy, comfy Sauds. And it just goes to show that there are no cozier buddies than oil buddies and I say that's neat!

REUTERS/Ali Jarekji (SAUDI ARABIA)

OH, and also? Iraq? According to Condi, everything is great! "I think people know a democratic and unified Iraq is here to stay," she said, hilariously.

Condi Sneaks into Iraq All Quick-Like

Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki (centre, R) meets U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (centre, L) in Baghdad January 15, 2008. REUTERS/Iraqi Government Office/Handout (IRAQ).

I can spot at least six boxes of Kleenex in the above photo-op, so YES! Everybody's covered!

But anyway, Condi's in Iraq today, and would you believe it? It was a SURPRISE!!! OMG!

Condi Confronts Old Nemesis at Festive Drink Palace

It's obvious that I have to make sure to post ALL of the photos featuring Condi selecting and then sipping a festive beverage this morning in Dubai. But that's not all! There's a funny anecdote, too! But first, hmmm, which one looks the least cyanidey?

(Reuters)

Let's face it: this is exactly the kind of picture we want. More photo-ops like this, please! Let's ALL have festive beverages right now, OK? I think Condi's date selected something mango:

(Reuters)

And OMG STEPHEN HADLEY IS HAVING A LITTLE DRINKY, TOO:

U.S. National Security Advisor Stephen Hadley compares juice drinks with Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (L) during U.S. President George W. Bush's visit to the Sheikh Saeed Al Maktoum House in Dubai January 14, 2008. REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque (UNITED ARAB EMIRATES)

OK, so here's the funniest, best part! Condi came face-to-face with one of her old enemies... the falcon Remember the last time they met? No? With the scary smurf? OK, here:

October 11, 2005

Let's get the scoop about the return of the falcon from the Kuwait Times:

And what a tent.

A tent with thick carpets, pillows for lounging, blazing lanterns, and food. Lots and lots of it, from bread with honey to grilled meats and sweets, all served by uniformed staff. Before the feast with a small group of White House aides and Emirati elite, the crown prince showed the president around. Next to carpets laid on the sand stood small pedestals, each stuck in the sand like a beach umbrella and each holding a magnificent falcon. At his host's urging, Bush hoisted one of the birds, using a protecti
ve mitt, and held it as the news cameras whirred. When the bird shifted suddenly, a startled Bush jumped slightly, then recovered.

You're making him nervous," Bush told the assembled media. "He never had a press conference before." Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice trailed her boss and kept her distance from the fierce-looking birds. "I'm not good with animals," she was heard to remark. A few minutes later, however, she, too, was holding a bird, though not for long. Bush, who likes short meetings and early bedtimes, spent more than three hours at the tent encampment as a gray sky turned dark under a dramatic moon.

HA HA! OMG, Condi kept her distance from the fierce-looking birds! I am totally dying, here. A few minutes later, however, she, too, was holding a bird...!!! God, I thought this trip was going to be a total waste. I just knew Condi could be exciting again.

OK, one final gag. He's totally going, OMG, I bet she could totally suck a baseball through that thing:

Convergent Evolution?

That's when, to quote Wikipedia, organisms not closely related (not monophyletic), independently evolve similar traits as a result of having to adapt to similar environments or ecological niches. OK? Whatever. Ew, I think I was monophyletic once and it took forever to get better.

I digress! I was reading One News Now, as I tend to do, and I wanted to find out about this new group of nutty Christians (they're kind of a hobby) called Awakening America, which is all about, you know, Jesus 'n' stuff. My favorite part, though, is their logo:

Very nice! I love it! But I have to admit that I like the Barack Obama version just a little bit better:

Condibot Roundup

I've been totally neglecting to promote my weekly column at Wonkette, and that's totally dumb because the more people look at it, the more I get paid! This week's installment reveals that it was not Condi who accompanied George to the Middle East, but rather the labor-saving, Disneytronic Condibot! See the latest roundup here.

In 2008, However...

Republican presidential hopeful, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, left, reaches over for a 40-year-old campaign poster of his father, late former governor of Michigan George Romney, that a supporter wants him to autograph, during a campaign stop in Southfield, Mich., Sunday, Jan. 13, 2008. (AP Photo/LM Otero)

Cheers!

Finally! I've been moaning about the lack of fun Condi photo-ops, and finally things are looking up! Today in Dubai, they made things totally fun! First they gave her festive drinks:

US Sec. of State Condoleezza Rice, left, selects a strawberry juice drink during a visit the Sheikh Saeed Al Maktoum House, Monday, Jan. 14, 2008 in Dubai, United Arabs Emirates. Sitting next to Rice is UAE Minister of Foreign Affairs Sheik Abdullah bin Zayed Al Nahyan.(AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

Which she, sensibly, drank:

Totally YUM!

And then they offered her some of their spare wives:

(Reuters)

EDIT: Ha ha! The AP writeup of the event doesn't even mention Condi's presence. Superfluous female!

OMG THEY CENSORED RON PAUL FROM THE REPUBLICAN SANDCASTLE!!!

A security guard patrols the perimeter around a sand sculpture depicting U.S. Republican presidential candidates outside the location of the Republican debate in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina January 10, 2008. They are (L-R) former U.S. Senator Fred Thompson (R-TN), former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, and U.S. Senator John McCain (R-AZ). REUTERS/Jim Young (UNITED STATES) US PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION CAMPAIGN 2008

I think we have a winner in the Best Use of Metaphor category: a fragile construct surrounded by armed guards, but even the armed guards can't prevent the forces of nature from eventually making it crumble into dust Works for me! Also, ha ha ha ha ha:

(AP Photo)

OK, so I have this friend who is a total, like, old-fashioned Republican guy, the kind they call paleoconservatives, right? This guy totally is in a think tank, used to be a lobbyist, blah, blah, blah... but anyway! He was just laughing about Fred Thompson; laughing until his sides hurt. Because Fred Thompson is just such a laughable loser. It was fun sharing that moment with him. LOL. But, OK, back to the sand castles. Hmmm... can we fit any more ironic symbols into this scene? Of course! Throw in a bemasked Hillary supporter:

(Above and below, Reuters)

ALL HAIL THE GIANT BULBOUS SAND HEADS! YAY!

Photoblogging: Sculpture Prophylactics

All photos may be clicked for larger versions.

One of my favorite things at my job is to occasionally see artworks in unusual or unexpected contexts. Our maintenance crews are currently cleaning several areas of the marble interior of Mr. Pei's East Building, and while they do so, some of the large sculptures are carefully (if inelegantly) protected from the consequential dust and cleaning product residues. The results seem like new, exciting artworks. Above is Max Ernst's wonderful Capricorn. Here's the best shot, maybe one of the most mysterious photos I've ever taken:

Pulling back for context:

And here's Isamu Noguchi's Great Rock of Inner Seeking:

And before anybody says anything, yes, I've heard of Christo.