UPDATE: Gannon Gone

So sad! Unfortunately, the domain is not available (I tried, natch. God, how great would that have been?). So I have to ask again: where's Jeff?

Where's Jeff Gannon?

Who? Oh, right! You'd think with the presidential campaign in full-swing, we'd need the calm, reflective voice of reason provided by Jeff Gannon more than ever. But where is he? Let's turn over a few rocks and see if we can find him!

• He's not on his own blog, which hasn't been updated since August 20.
• Everybody reacted with alarm when it was announced last June that he would be blogging for the National Press Club. But what's this? The NPC's blog site domain has expired and reverted to a spammy place-holder. In fact, the Google cache of the site suggests he only ever posted there twice.
  
• Speaking of the NPC, there's no evidence that Jeff has been involved in anything they've done for quite some time. Did they kick him to the curb after the negative publicity?
  
• What about his activities with the International Bible Reading Association? Hmm, they no longer seem to have an American chapter.
• Google News Search turns up only, as usual, jokes and references to him being a whore in the White House press room.
• He probably wrote this fake "review" of his own self-published book (using his favorite word, unvarnished), but that was over a year ago.

So where's Jeff? Did he finally realize that nobody in either politics or journalism really takes him seriously, including (especially including) his Republican friends? Will this post flush him out? C'mon, Jeff, you've commented here before! I'd love to hear his opinion on Sarah Palin (which is what led to this search). I can't believe I'm saying this, but I kinda miss the guy!

Quickie: Jeff Gannon Backpedals

Remember the other day when people got momentarily distracted by erstwhile PonyPenPal™ Jeff Gannon's coy claim that he "knew Scott [McClellan] better than any other White House correspondent or Washington reporter"?

Maybe Jeff got a little nervous about the response? Here's the only sentence which matters from Jeffy's latest blog post (whoops, I forgot to link to it):

Scott knew nothing about my personal life, nor did anyone at the White House.

And for once, I think he's being honest! I never bought any of the Gannon conspiracy theories (hey, look through my archives if you doubt me). I was always sure he was merely a hack and an idiot, not a "plant."

But then, of course, Jeff goes that extra mile to try and claim a little extra absolution from not being mentioned in McClellan's book:

I am in no way disappointed not to have been mentioned in Scott McClellan’s book. In fact, I am pleased. The liberal slanders of “fake reporter”, “administration shill” and “press plant” are rendered null and void as the result of McClellan’s silence. For all of its bitter whining, flawed premises and inaccurate conclusions, McClellan’s book is a vindication for Jeff Gannon.

Ha, ha! Vindication for the "plant" part, Jeff, but not for "prostitute" part*! Nice try!

*Or, obviously, for the "douchebag" part. Or the "pretending to be a Marine" part.

Yes, Yes, Scott, but What About the Hustler?

Lots of people are talking about the Scott McLellan book! But did everybody forget about that other teensy scandalette which happened under McLellan's watch? Hint: gay prostitute, name starts with J?

That question is, as yet, unanswered since only, like, two people have actually read the book so far. Wouldn't it be funny if Scotty totally didn't talk about Jim/Jeff at all?

Don't worry, though, because the erstwhile rent-boy himself has already weighed in on the subject (I won't link to his site; you can Google it if you must), happily piling on with the other newborn McClellan haters. But Jeff Gannon, of course, just can't help playing coy:

What I hear about the book does not sound like the Scott McClellan I knew for two years. I can say without fear of contradiction, that I knew Scott better than any other White House correspondent or Washington reporter.

Delusions of grandeur or winking, naughty hint? Probably a little bit o' the latter and a heaping wheelbarrow of the former. Also, this part is hilarious:

While I was attending the daily White House press briefings, most reporters, including me, complained that McClellan rarely strayed from his talking points to provide substantive information.

So funny! Gannon is actually claiming that he complained about Scotty not straying from his talking points! This is from the guy who used to publish barely-rewritten administration press releases under his own byline, claiming it was "unfiltered" reporting!

Don't ever change, Jeff. Not that I'd expect you to or anything.

UPDATE: Ooh, Jeff's in heaven because he's starting to drum up lots of attention since I posted this early in the morning. Queerty weighs in here, and two glittery hooves DOWN to Michelangelo Signorile for having him on his radio show. Mr. Signorile! Shame on you!

So it looks like the Republicans may very well have a chance to go after Scotty with gay rumors. That'll be... uh... hilarious!

More Pictures of the Wonderful New My Little Slutty Pony Toys

Ooh, I am so pleased that Toys R Us has added to their inventory the exciting new STRUTS (sorry, not STRUTZ, no "Z") RUNWAY MAGIC ponies, the wonderful new toys for girls which delightfully combine bestiality with high fashion. Meet Sierra:

She's the hot-to-trot daughter of a rich Daddy Pony™ who owns a chain of hotels. She enjoys shopping, car crashes, accidental vag-flashes and shopping!

Here's Rio:

Rio wishes she could shop all the time, and gets feisty if you interrupt her shopping and try to make her eat. She enjoys shopping, dieting and accessories.

Next is mysterious, smoky Milan:

Sexy Milan once experienced total enlightenment in the shoe department of Neiman Marcus. She enjoys shopping and bombing abortion clinics.

And, finally, Sydney, the I-kid-you-not Australian equine hooker:

Most people dislike Sydney for her horrible, loud, phony Australian accent (I'm assuming). She enjoys shopping and turning tricks at the Convention Center.

What fantastic, hyper-sexualized fun! Yay! OMG, you all have to run out and buy these for your daughters (recommended for ages 4-8!) right away!

My initial reaction to these enchanting whorses is here.

UPDATE, 07-09: People! I'm glad you're all appalled at the shocking whorses, but please note how old this post is. These toys are no longer available. They failed. The sexy horse crisis has passed.

PSP Worried about Slutty New Pony Rivals

The New York Toy Fair happened recently, and it was THE place to be to see all the hottest new lead-drenched confections for the kiddies. The Washington Post's Kidspost section today included a roundup featuring one of the most horrifying things I've ever seen, a toy which combines the most unholy aspects of My Little Pony and Bratz. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Struts, (UPDATE: I initially reported the name, spuriously, as "Strutz" with a "z".) the fashion model whorses:

Pictures are scarce so far, and that's probably a good thing. The photo in the Post's print version was different and really something else, a sexy, busty horse apparently wearing a halter top. Below is an artist's conception of the appalling successors to (the real) Princess Sparkle Pony's throne:

These appear to be wrong on an unprecedented number of levels. Hold me.

UPDATE: My horror still has not abated. Were these things developed by mean-spirited psychoanalysts or what? OMG.

UPDATE: Please enjoy the hilarious reactions from the commenters at the wonderful, wonderful Jezebel here.

UPDATED AGAIN! More pictures of the sensational, sexy fillies here.

ONE FINAL UPDATE: This post keeps getting passed around the internets, but maybe you should all look at the date on this post and realize how old it is by now. These toys, basically, failed and are no longer available, so you may wish to seek more current inappropriately sexy toys to worry about.

Senator Vitter's Lonely Whores Club

Photo from here.

So totally heartwarming! Pony Pal™ John sent the following:

I thought of you this weekend when we were in New Orleans for the Krewe du Vieux parade. It's very rude & always features politically satire, and this year they had (unfortunately) a lame Beatles theme (Magical Misery Tour). This led to one of the floats being Sgt. Vitter's Lonely Whores Club Band, and the float had windows with
silhouettes of what appeared to be a prostitute taking a dump of Vitter's head [See above].

I love New Orleans.

There was also a Vitter Family Values float with a Wendy's (his wife is named Wendy) theme, and all the members of that sub-krewe dressed up as the fast food Wendy with the red pigtails.

The whole parade was a treasure trove of amazing images, most of which we were unable to capture on our crappy cameras.

But it warms my heart to know that on a cold winter night, the people of New Orleans will march down Royal Street dressed up as their Senator in a diaper.

Oh, me too, John, me too!

Larry Craig Now Truly Toasted

I like to think that my story on Wonkette about David Phillips' brownback* encounter with Larry Craig was a fairly significant blow to the senator's "I'm not gay" denials. Today, real reporter Dan Popkey of the Idaho Statesman follows up on my sloppy, amateurish reporting on David and adds a few more names into the cauldron. Absolutely excruciating audio clips are included! Yay!

Squirm, Larry Craig, squirm!

UPDATE: I love how John Aravosis, who never acknowledged the original Wonkette/PSP story, is now --OH!-- simply all over it.

UPDATE: Local Boise follow-up with the best headline: Statesman Hands Larry Craig a Dismal Day.

It's about noon on Sunday, and I can officially state that this scandal has absolutely, positively detonated all over again.

*I'm just so pleased about this new term: brownbacking (which leads, of course, to santorum). I hope it catches on.

Quickie: Naughty or Nice?

It's interesting to encounter a little moral quandary and to ask oneself, "Just how much of an asshole am I?"

Well, it turns out that I'm enough of an asshole to report brag that I just received a Christmas* card with a special personalized message from Jeff Gannon! Unfortunately for you, I'm not enough of an asshole to scan it and post it here. There! Ethics!

One thing, though, Jeff: secular card? Bad form! What would Bill O'Reilly say?

*UPDATE: In the comments, Mr. Gannon corrects me, pointing out that it wasn't, after all, a Christmas card, and provides the full text of the card. And with that, the whole thing makes less sense than ever! Yay!

God, how embarrassed I am to walk into Jeff's sad little trap.

Who's That in the Next Stall Over from Larry Craig? Why, It's TV Personality Tucker Carlson!

Next Stop: Schadenfreud City!

Oh dear, yet another hardline conservative has succumbed to the lure of the tearoom! Pity poor Bob Allen, the Florida state legislator who got arrested for solicitation yesterday in one of Titusville's finest public restrooms. I'm sure it was all a mistake, because Mr. Allen is, of course, a Republican and, naturally, quite the vocal proponent of the sanctity of marriage 'n' stuff! So it just can't be true!

The Miami Herald's account is fairly straightforward, but Pony Pal™ Joe makes it extra-delicious.

What if Jeff Gannon Threw a Party and Nobody... Um... Came?

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Meet the New Jeff Gannon, Same as the Old Jeff Gannon

OK, so this'll be all over the intertubes today, but the guy above? He's Matt Sanchez, and he was one of the stars of the recent CPACstravaganza. And would you believe he used to be a gay porn star and "escort"?

Whoopsie!

His CPAC hosts didn't ask, I guess, so he didn't tell.

Haggard's a Pitcher, If You Know What I Mean

A grand swish of the combable tail to eagle-eyed Pony Pal™ Addict, who spotted the following underreported info on CNN:

Dearest Sparklepony
I ask you, how does CNN know Ted Haggard was the top in this relationship?? (see above) Inquiring minds want to know.

I admit I'm surprised, too. He really seems a little femme to me. Well, if this scandal has taught us anything, it's that you can't judge a book by its cover!

UPDATE: It's all true.

UPDATE: According to Haggard's favorite prostitute, thoughtfully transcribed by our pals at Wonkette, CNN was woefully off on their declaration of the preacher's topness:

“When I was on the radio show in Denver, the question was asked: Did you practice safe sex? I said, We used a condom once. The talk show host goes, You mean he wore the condom once? I said, Uh, no, I did.”

Society is Forcing Christian Moms to Dress Their Children as Prostitutes

It's really a tragedy: the concerned women of the Concerned Women for America want to dress their daughters as pilgrims or spinsters, but Hollywood, hairdressers 'n' Anna Wintour have conspired to clear every single store coast-to-coast of everything but crotchless panties and peekaboo tube-tops. Please shed a tear with me:

The media, Hollywood, and alternative lifestyles all influence the fashion industry, [CWA sob-sister Janice] Crouse says -- and that is why it is difficult to find modest and attractive clothing for young girls. But avoiding indulgence in the sexualized culture demands that parents persevere in the quest, she says.

And a divine quest it is, too! Last I heard, the expedition was deep in the darkest jungles of Topeka, searching fruitlessly for long hems and high collars. Pity them.

Elizabeth Dole Clinches Role of The Joker for Next Batman Movie

U.S. Sen. Elizabeth Dole talks to Mocksville officials about the importance of infrastructure to help small businesses.
- Photo by Robin Snow/The Enterprise Record

Thanks to Pony Pal™ Rosemary for bringing this superbly frightening photo of the not-at-all surgically-altered Elizabeth Dole to my attention.

Sparkle Pony Kulture Korner™

Are you sad that Roger Ebert is sick? I am, especially since I've been enjoying Fox's spectacular new DVD release of Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, co-written by Ebert and quite possibly the greatest sex comedy ever made, and that includes anything by Fellini.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that BVD (as its fans call it) is a guilty pleasure or "so bad it's good." Quite the opposite: BVD is so good it's great. Every shot is composed like architecture, every color pops, every performance is spot-on and every line is intentionally hilarious. The montage sequences alone will leave you breathless, and there isn't a supporting hairdo, costume or bustline which doesn't add to the fun. Ebert and director Russ Meyer pulled out all the stops to make the most cutting yet most enjoyable Hollywood satire ever.

Kudos, also, to the folks at Fox who, after being embarrassed by BVD for 35 years, finally wised up, realized they had a neglected masterpiece in their vaults, and went the extra mile to give the film the "special edition" treatment it so richly deserves. The print, in glorious widescreen technicolor, is absolutely flawless, as is the sound. The extras are all a lot of fun, and it's great to see Ebert and the rest crow proudly about this awesome work of art.

So forget barbeques, flag-themed sportswear and lame parades; get down to the video store this 4th of July, stay inside in the dark and enjoy what really makes this a great country.

And get well soon, Roger!

EDIT: Re-reading this post, I can't believe that I didn't even mention how great the music in it is, or that the line "This is my happening and it freaks me out" was stolen from it for Austin Powers. Honestly, I could write thousands more words about why this is one of the greatest masterpieces of 20th Century art. And I'm not being cutesy or ironic. Just trust me, OK? That's really gettin' it together!

Simply the Best

When I first heard about xxxchurch.com and their thwarted plans to place the above logo on the cover of the Bible, I thought, "Oh, this just can't be real." But it is! Read all about it at the LA Times and then proceed immediately to their online store to purchase what could possibly be the greatest t-shirt ever produced. I can't wait to get mine.

Jeff Gannon Celebrates with Bad Grammar

Sigh. I read Jeff's blog so you don't have to, and it burns. It burns!

More Shallow Abramoff Observations

What else can we learn about Jack Abramoff from photos? Well, he wears glasses when he wants to look smart. His beard grows quickly. And he absolutely will not give free publicity to condiment manufacturers whose logos clash with his tie:

Also, seriously... is he on steroids? Or just panic-eating? The top two photos were taken two years ago. Here he is recently in Miami:

What the hell happened? What's up with his neck? Seriously, the guy is blowing up like a balloon!