Condi's final year was one of withdrawal and repetition. She was officially in re-runs. The word "Annapolis" popped up like a sad jack-in-the-box throughout every speech and interview she was to give right up until the very end. Maybe La Rice's career at the Department of State amounted to more than a string of failures and disappointments punctuated by countless inane photo-ops and vapid media puff-pieces, but if it did, I didn't notice. I liked it just fine!
The big story of the year, I suppose, was the Condi Veep Rumor™. This blog meticulously tracked this non-story right from the tiny seed of its birth, through several mutations and elaborations, right to its death in the glare of the Palin media blitzkrieg.
The highlights from Condi's final days as SoS:
- 01-08: 18% of the US Foreign Service agrees: Condi is great!
- 01-09: Security for Condi's latest Middle Eastern jaunt reported at $25,000 an hour.
- 01-14: Condi enjoys festive beverages, is wary of predatory birds, in Dubai.
- 01-16: Condi loses "Sexiest Woman in Politics" crown to Michelle Obama.
- 01-18: Favorite AP shot of Condi looking wasted.
- 01-23: Reuters Condirazzi concentrates on La Rice's feet, reveals $525 Manolo Blahniks.
- 01-26: Robert Novak touches off unfounded, speculative Condi Veep Rumors.
- 01-26: Oliver North calls Condi "Saleswoman-in-Chief."
- 02-11: Condi on black velvet.
- 02-20: She receives over-sized novelty scissors.
- 02-20: Much better Africa trip this time as Condi is surrounded by half-naked men (see below).
- 02-27: There's one of those diabolical gusts of wind again.
- 03-05: Condi and Olmert invent the meta-photo-op.
- 03-10: Condi meets a friendly furry.
- 03-17: The New Yorker wishes for some Condi Veep Rumors.
- 03-12: Reuters' Condirazzi upskirt contest still underway.
- 03-26: Steve Clemmons really gets the Condi Veep Rumors ball rolling with two totally speculative stories which will later mutate into "credible" rumors. Denials ensue immediately.
- 04-01: Condicising given most lavish attention yet. Invisible friend becomes visible.
- 04-03: George 'n' Condi at NATO: failing is so much fun!
- 04-07: Thandie Newton pledges to find her inner Condi for Oliver Stone.
- 04-08: Eugene Robinson wishes for the Condi Veep Rumors to come true, like me, for all the wrong reasons.
- 04-08: Condi Veep Rumor sideshow tent explodes.
- 04-11: Further Condi Veep Rumors investigations, and grateful Afghans present Condi with a souvenir paperweight.
- 04-14: Maddy 'n' Condi share an awkward moment.
- 04-14: PSP and Condi join forces to stave off Condi Veep Rumors.
- 04-17: Unlike Nancy Pelosi, Condi does not get to kiss the Pope's ring.
- 04-21: Condi's antleriffic makeover. Advantage: more photogenic. Disadvantage: can no longer fit on helicopter.
- 04-21: Condi receives cheap t-shirt from obese sheik (see below).
- 04-25: Bush 'n' Condi's supreme gross-out photo-op.
- 04-28: She frightens a defenseless American Idol contestant, forces photo-op.
- 05-08: Condi is clearly coasting in neutral.
- 05-13: Sunday shows award Condi "most boring" trophy.
- 05-20: "Princess Rolletta" is Condi's Taco Bell rap name.
- 05-22: PSP is unable to confirm rumors that State Dept. staffers are drawing mustaches on Condiportraits.
- 05-30: Condi joins the Kiss Army.
- 06-18: Al Kamen: Condi ignored by everybody now.
- 06-26: Japan declares torture "Condilicious."
- 06-30: Gorgeous photo-ops make up for total pointlessness of Condi's trip to China.
- 07-02: Condi offered as credible source of diplomatic advice to X-box players.
- 07-14: A dream date with Condi finally has a price tag: $750,000.
- 07-21: Late to the party but eager to please, Pravda prints Bush/Condi rumors.
- 07-28: Thandie/Condi hybrid revealed to a hysterically laughing public. Maybe she should have used a mask?
- 08-15: Condi brings photo-ops to wounded Georgians.
- 08-19: If you thought the Thandie/Condi hybrid was bad... Condi the Barbarian is worse.
- 08-19: Possible evidence of Condi skulking around my neighborhood.
- 08-21: Condi states that Poland needs missiles to protect itself from... North Korea.
- 09-05: Condi meets Daffy, her sole positive diplomatic accomplishment in four years.
- 09-08: CNN digs for Sarah Palin compliments from Condi, comes up dry.
- 09-09: Condi complains there aren't enough blacks at the DoS.
- 09-09: PSP investigation concludes that there are plenty of blacks at DoS, Condi just never sees them.
- 09-22: The Black Snob™ does an exhaustive Condi/Michelle Obama comparison so I don't have to.
- 09-24: Fame-hungry journalist Ian Halperin creates fanciful new retrospective Condi Veep Rumors by misreading and misunderstanding all the old Condi Veep Rumors.
- 09-28: Condi creates pandemonium at a New York City nail salon.
- 10-04: George burns Condi, makes trip to India more pointless than usual.
- 10-07: Bulgaria creates the most horrifying Condi effigy yet.
- 10-14: PSP theorizes that Condi has turned the DoS into an empty husk.
- 10-15: Umpteenth Middle East trip canceled so Condi can "help with the economic crisis."
- 10-18: Iraqis stage puppet show in honor of Condi.
- 10-22: "So when I want to feel really on top of things, I wear red."
- 10-22: And when she wants to feel really, really on top of things, she makes out with Maria Shriver.
- 10-26: Fake Condi/49ers rumors briefly surface.
- 11-05: Condi gets teary about Obama, but won't admit to voting for him.
- 11-06: Mean reporters keep talking about Condi's failures in the past tense.
- 11-11: Condi is queen for a night thanks to Glamour Magazine and Oscar de la Renta:
- 11-18: Condi deploys Ken Griffey, Jr. as her final sports star against terror.
- 11-24: Mean reporters persist in asking Condi how it feels to be a failure.
- 12-01: With the sands running out of the hourglass, Condi finally meets the Queen.
- 12-08: Condi gets to wear a $Gazillion in emeralds to impress Morgan Freeman.
- 12-10: NPR asks Condi if she'll miss "the blogs that follow your hairstyles and shoes." She responds, "I think I can live without that, thank you very much." PSP senses sarcasm.
- 12-22: Condi admits Bush Administration's standing in the Arab world "not great," but that didn't stop them from showering her with expensive presents.
- 12-28: Middle Eastern Shoe Art Renaissance finally embraces Condi, as predicted:
Bonus! 2009 Roundup:
- 01-12: Bush and Olmert burn Condi one last time, for old time's sake.
- 01-13: Condi stalked, taunted at Watergate beauty parlor.
- 01-15: She gives George two commemorative plaques, thanks for all the memories.
- 01-16: Condi waves goodbye to the State Department and has her final photo-op with, natch, Tzipi Livni.
And that's that! She came in with boots on her feet and left with a shoe taped to her head. What will Condi get up to next during this exciting new chapter in her life? Stay tuned to Princess Sparkle Pony, where I will STILL keep track of Condoleezza's hairdo so you don't have to.
Here's 2005, 2006, 2007.
6 comments:
Reading these retrospectives, I am crying salt tears. I want Condi to go, but I want her to stay, too!
Those last two pictures of Condi before the burning effigy are yin and yang-tastic! At her most terrifying and at her most glamorous!
We need the 49ers to hire her, but I don't think there's a local pro news photog at the Yuri Gripas level. The pictures might not have the same zip, and of course they won't have the same Tzipi.
Wow, what a retrospective to read on this historic day.
And I can't believe I've been reading you for that long. Here's to several more administrations of entertainment and reporting on Vitally Important grooming information.
So long as there are Cindy McCains, Sarah Palins, Manolos, Ferragamos, coifs to espy, facial hair to monitor, diplomazons and diplomatrices, matching-chair photo-ops, and as long as, somewhere in this world, Ursula Plassnik deigns to come down from the land of the Ice Giants and cavort with us mere mortals once in a while, I hope to hear from Der Glitzenpony, whinnying her approval or her dismay, as taste and fashion dictate.
Such Magic Moments!
Thank you so much, Princess.
Thanks for the last four years, Sparkles. Without the comic relief we'd need more Prozac than we're already taking. Looking forward to more. :) MWAH!
Princess, you were the highlight of my eight years with Condi. I don't think I could have endured the Bush Administration without you. But I believe that President Obama sent you a stimulus package with Hillary. Anything you can do for her will be a service to America. Carry on, Your Royal Highness.
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