Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Why Am I Censoring This Picture Of Aaron Schock?

Easy answer: if I show the uncensored picture of abtacular, pectastic Aaron Schock from Men's Health, this will look like a GAY blog, and this isn't, strictly speaking, a GAY blog.  In fact, I generally don't even use the word GAY on this blog, because, you know, children are reading it*, and it's bad to use the word GAY around impressionable children. Also, if I put that picture of him on this blog, it'll look like an advertisement for a GAY cruise line, or a GAY health club, or International Male (not strictly a GAY company).

Also, just because Aaron Schock is immaculately plucked, tweezed, sculpted and buffed to a high sheen, it doesn't mean he's GAY, just that he's ultra-narcissistic, which isn't a trait of young GAY single men at all, any more than wearing a violet gingham shirt with a teal cloth belt and "hustler white" jeans is a sign of GAYness.

Plus, as Salon points out, "Schock's politics are so trenchantly homophobic that no amount of muscle definition can blind us to this fact." So true! Because as we all know, nothing says "I am not a GAY politician" quite like being against all pro-GAY legislation.

So there you have it: there is no evidence that Aaron Schock is GAY, much less GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY OMG SO GAY.

You know who should interview not-GAY Aaron Schock about this injustice? Fox News' Chad Pergram.

*When I first started this blog, I tried to make it seem like a blog for kids, but wasn't able to maintain the tone. When I recently visited Arizona, my young nephews who, like all good children, use the word "gay" as a pejorative, said, "Your blog is funny," and I thought, "Uhhhhh."

18 comments:

Fran said...

Schock? GAY? I'm shocked. Really. Heeheee!!! Men's Health - yummy straight men with perfect abs and tweezed to a delightful arch. Oh yeah Aaron, you be who you are baby - Mr. I'mSoNotGay.

Peteykins said...

Maybe "Schocked" can be a new word that means "can't understand why people think you're gay."

Anonymous said...

*You'll be interested to know that a lot of kids (at least my own), by the time they reach high school, are horrified and stunned that "gay" is considered pejorative, belong to the Gay and Straight Student Alliance, and think that homosexuality is no more different than hair color...amazing generational shift!

Peteykins said...

Oh, so you're saying that kids no longer say "that's so gay" about things they think are bad? That's news to me.

Anonymous said...

Surprisingly a lot of them don't anymore!! I'm talking post-middle school here. I'm not pretending it's all beautiful sunshine for gay teens (obviously not), but compared to when I was in school things have definitely changed, where the idea of a Gay/Straight Student Alliance club would never even be mentioned, much less supported by the school.

sleepy in saudi said...

I was so hoping you would report on this. So you're not going to do the comparison shirt/shirtless side by side pics?

Peteykins said...

No, seriously, for the reasons I mentioned.

Peteykins said...

Plus, I'm not interested in shaved twinkies.

samael7 said...

This post will do small, but wonderful things to Google.

Andrew Sullivan, who has been pissing me off lately, was trying to be all indignant and "that's so heterophobic!" to think that a straight Republican congressman is incapable of having abs you could play bagatelle on.

And it sort of is, but, as others pointed out: teal belt, to which he conceded there may be a grain of truth there.

To channel Buddy Cole, "Oh, I'm not saying he's gay, I'm just saying his mother dresses him funny."

And honestly, I think it's more politicia-phobic, which I just made up. To paraphrase a different paragon of masculinity, Homer Simpson (from what I think was the John Waters episode), "I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my Republican congressmen butter-fat with multiple chins!"

Peteykins said...

I know what Sully is saying, but for me, the gay perception of Aaron Schock is all about the accumulation of details.

samael7 said...

Totally. If it snaps like a duckie...

Frank said...

Darn kids getting in the way of our half-naked, totally-not-a-Hairdresser Congressional beefcake! Get off my lawn! *shakes fist*

HRH King Friday XIII, Ret. said...

I think we need a PSP "Aaron Schock Abs Alert System."

Fran said...

I keep thinking of the song "Shock the Monkey." Oh yes, shock the monkey, make him scream!

Anonymous said...

"And girls? If you can see his stomach muscles? he's gay"
-- Margaret Cho

sfmike said...

Can't tell you how happy I am that you've cleared it up once and for all that this is NOT a GAY blog, while repeating the word GAY about 20 times. It's meta enough to make the head start spinning. Thanks also for the censorship since shaved twinkies have never been one of My Favorite Things, either.

In coastal California, the typical teenage perjorative usage of GAY tends to mean "boring, dated, and old-fashioned" rather than "perverted and horrifying" so I suppose the world is making some progress. In Arizona and central California, though, the usage is probably still the latter.

M.D. Champ said...

"I tried to make it seem like a blog for kids..." and you think we're grownups?

z7q2 said...

Aaron Schock
Shaaron Cock

*giggle*