Saturday, June 12, 2010

Where Do I Start?

(Photo via Gawker)

Oh, jeez, right. You've seen the picture above by now, haven't you? It's Aaron Schock, Republican congressman from Illinois, at a party dolled up in an outfit unanimously declared by the internets as totally, totally, unbelievably, unequivocally hairdresserish. 

Let's cut to the chase: the internets are correct.

Also! Aaron Schock is a dick.

Consciences cleared,  let's rip this fey, trendy outfit to shreds.

First of all, the shirt. I've gone from zero to really sick of gingham, this year's compulsory pattern, in about four months this year.  This shirt is particularly annoying because the gingham pattern to supersized to novelty proportions. Note, too, the construction: it appears to be fitted, likely with seams in the back. That and the lack of a pocket make it a good choice for Schock to showcase his impressive pecs and abs, something he frequently does, and hey, if you've got it, flaunt it, right? It's simply pure Twinkie™ logic, as is the one-button-unbuttoned-too-many strategy. I mean, honestly, did he think he was at JR's?

And, for goodness' sake, it's violet. Not only is this blatantly gay, but also this-season trendy for menswear. I browsed at Sak's recently, and what I mostly took away from the experience was WHY ARE THEY ALL TRYING SO HARD TO MAKE ME WEAR VIOLET? I was irritated.

And you know what else is hyper trendy right now? 80s revival cloth belts. These are illegal in my world, in part because they are cheap and ugly, but also because they honestly are too gay for me, a blogger who uses the pseudonym Princess Sparkle Pony. The preciousness of Schock's color scheme here, with the bright turquoise popping so stridently with the similarly-keyed violet, is again just so goddamn Twinkie™ that it practically screams OMG THE NEW SCISSOR SISTERS ALBUM JUST CAME OUT AND SO DID I!

Finally, the trousers. As I commented on Gawker, we used to call those "hustler white jeans." Enough said!

So, in conclusion, yes, Aaron Schock's outfit is truly, madly, deeply gay. And trendy. But mainly gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. Granted, this could mean one of two things: Schock is gay, or he has a nelly stylist who dresses him. Evidence strongly suggests the former is correct.

And this makes him even more of a dick.


Anonymous said...

Actually the term for this version of gingham is "Exploded Gingham."
I've seen it in writing several times and it has been gushed at me in video fashion updates by a pink-faced hairdresser wearing a lavender shirt. So its true.

hannah said...

I don't think I've laughed this hard in weeks. Thank you so much for the deconstruction of Rep. Schock's outfit. I have never been prouder of my generation.

Fran said...

I am hardly defending him, but wow, I can see why he is against DADT!

He does not need to say a word, the outfit screams it out for him, interpreted with even more skill than usual, by you.

Bartman said...

I confess to owning a no-pocket Banana Republic shirt. Should I be concerned?

Christopher said...

I hate myself for thinking the whole ensemble is kinda hot ... but gay self hate is something Schock clearly understands. And actively legislates!

So, phew!

(Also, I grew up not far from Peoria... I mean in suburban Chicago... not suburban Peora ... and I had a Genera all pinki-ish outfit as a middle schooler. Which I *insisted* was not pink but rhubarb. This is not a way a good way to defend yourself against your straight, bullying peers. I was called "Rhubarb" for the rest of middle school. This little story is a set-up to making me wonder: how will this play in Peoria?)

sfmike said...

"These are illegal in my world, in part because they are cheap and ugly, but also because they honestly are too gay for me, a blogger who uses the pseudonym Princess Sparkle Pony." That may be one of the most brilliant sentences you've ever published. Thank you.

TRex said...

Oh, god, he's not just a twink, but the absolute WORST kind of fading twink who always wants to talk about high school and the boy named "Duke" he had a crush on (but never slept with) on the Cross Country team and how he used to wear his underwear in the shower because he was so worried he'd get hard around him teammates. Makes me want to squirt half a bottle of Visine into his Absolute Pomegranate and tonic.

samael7 said...

Wait, Princess Sparkle Pony is a pseudonym???

Ha, I kid. It really comes down to the belt, for me. I can't stop looking at it. And that's dangerous, because I really don't want to look any clicks north or south of that equator. And so my eyes remained fixed upon it with the visual equivalent of a death grip.

CPT_Doom said...

Okay, this pic was way played out even before I stumbled back into the PSP world (and I actually know PSP, like for reals, which makes me a really bad friend), but this post made my friggin' day. I am in total agreement with sfmike about the brilliance of your analysis of the belt, and TRex's description left me desperate to not spit ice water all over the computer screen.

To give Mssr. Schock a teeny, tiny, benefit of the doubt (not on the godawfulness of his outfit - of that there is univeral agreement - but on his sexuality) we must acknowledge that this picture was clearly taken during some cream-cheese sandwich/gin-and-tonic Preppy garden event. As noted brilliantly in the Preppy Handbook (which, gack!, is over 25 years old now) hot pink is normally shunned by straight men, but in Preppy circles it is common; one can only assume this heinous gingham pattern would be similarly regarded. After all, if you have little golfers or whale or lighthouses embroidered on your pants, you're not going for the John Wayne butch look anyway.

That being said, the juxtaposition of the gingham and the turquoise belt really does morph this from "clueless preppy straight boy" to "Broadway-watching, Glee sing-along arranging, dance-with-your-hands-in-the-air-to-the-latest-Cher-dance-remix guy."