Vacation

See you Tuesday!

Finally, the Convention Coverage is Complete

What, no red BREAKING alert?

Pictured Below is a Baby Seal Peeking Adorably Out of a Wicker Basket. This Lovable Pup is Completely Unaware of the Existence of Joe Biden.

Seal pup Eddy peeks out of a basket, at the Norddeich port, northern Germany, Wednesday, Aug. 20, 2008, before being transported to the sands of the island of Juist. Eddy was raised in a station for abandoned seals in Norddeich and will be released into the North Sea. (AP Photo/Focke Strangmann)

"This is Awkward," Thought Cindy McCain. "He Just Keeps Popping Up Again."

Cindy McCain, wife of US presidential hopeful John McCain, meets with Georgian refugees from the South Ossetia conflict zone in Tbilisi. Cindy McCain on Tuesday visited refugees in Georgia, insisting the timing of her trip had no link to the Democratic convention. (AFP/Vano Shlamov)

This is so far totally my winner in the Totally Sincere, Not-At-All Opportunistic or Exploitative Photo-Op category.

Also Not Really Paying Very Close Attention to All This DNCC Stuff: These Hippos

A month old hippopotamus calf is seen with its mother, in a pond at the Nandankanan Zoological park in the outskirts of Bhubaneswar, India, Tuesday, Aug.26, 2008. (AP Photo/Biswaranjan Rout)

BREAKING: Pink Pony Nearly Passes Out While Trying to Interpret the Mixed Messages in This Photo of Some Stupid Hippie Protester in Denver

An attendee takes a part in a protest on the steps of the state capitol in Denver, Colorado August 24, 2008. Denver will host the upcoming Democratic National Convention, which begins Monday August 25. REUTERS/Damir Sagolj

Sad Clinton Fans Will Miss Their Campaign's Horrible Typography, Which, By the Way, Totally Reminds Me of a Bad 1980s Designer Cologne Logo

A sea of signs for Hillary Clinton crowd the floor as the New York senator and former presidential candidate acknowledges the crowd at the Democratic National Convention at the Pepsi Center in Denver on August 26.(AFP/Stan Honda)

I'm Pretty Sure I Can't Handle the Excitement

Bloggers Travel All the Way to DNCC to Write About Themselves

Has anybody else noticed this? I'm not going to name any names, but 90% of the stuff I'm reading from bloggers in Denver is cracking me up. HERE I AM being patronized by a congressman! HERE I AM sitting in the vicinity of professional journalists! HERE I AM with other bloggers writing about themselves! HERE I AM being taken seriously, for some reason, by a local newscaster!

OMG, I can't wait for the Republican version.

UPDATE: Ha, ha, Columbia Journalism Review just posted a hilarious article saying, basically, exactly the same thing.

Updated with a better still from Betty Boop's Snow White here.

UPDATE: Look at this post and wonder if it's intentional parody or what?

Richard Cohen Met Joe Biden at a Fabulous Party Once

OMG, Richard Cohen Day came a day early! But the game is still the same: can you get past the first paragraph before becoming overwhelmed with the urge to punch him in the face? I doubt it:

I saw another man dance with Joe Biden's wife, Jill. It was almost three years ago, on the terrace of the sublime Villa d'Este on the shore of Italy's stunning Lake Como, and Biden watched, smiling broadly and sometimes laughing, as the man gracefully moved Jill around the dance floor.

Truly, a life unexamined by suave, worldly Richard Cohen in chic surroundings is a life not worth living. I'm so relieved Joe Biden passed the test!

Democratic National Convention Gayest, Most Purpley EVER

Joshua Psuik changes the Illinois delegation sign from small letters to larger letters inside the Pepsi Center in preparation for the 2008 Democratic National Convention in Denver, August 24, 2008. (Larry Downing/Reuters)

Excuse me, but have you seen the inside of the big convention thingy in Denver yet? OMG, so glamorous! So purple! So utterly, totally gay! It so looks more like the stage set for Project Runway than some boring political thing. It's no wonder the cute cub in the picture above has to pump up the letters on the delegation placards. Honey, have you considered sashes instead of stodgy ol' signs? And how about tucking in your shirt while you're at it? Tim Gunn would NOT approve.

Please note, too, that the photo was taken by Sparklefave/Condi Photo-Opographer Larry Downing! Yay!

Absolutely Fabulous

Republican presidential candidate, Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., center, waves ahd he leaves the North Phoenix Baptist Church with his wife Cindy, left, and daughter Bridget after attending services, Sunday, Aug. 24, 2008, in Phoenix. (AP Photo/Mary Altaffer)

McDonald's Responds to Christian Boycott?

(via Copyranter)

You didn't forget that Jesus hates McDonald's, did you? And McDonald's, of course, turned to Satan for help. Sensible! The above apparently real ad comes via Copyranter, who is also understandably concerned about, ew, eating fingers.

Pr0n Prayer Preacher Promotional Prattle

I've been kinda laying off the One News Now scene lately, so I guess it's possible to get Christian Fatigue. But! I love this story about the power of prayer helping to drive a naughty business out of a podunk Georgia town. The best thing about it is that it pretty much turns out that the power of prayer isn't really all that impressive unless accompanied by a cash offer:

An adult entertainment facility in Lavonia, Georgia, has shut its doors, and opponents believe it was due to the power of prayer.

Café Risqué opened six years ago, and the city lost several lawsuits to try to close it or force it to move from its location along the nearby interstate highway. The business was deemed an embarrassment to the city, but residents turned to prayer in order to shut the place down.

Larry Finger is senior pastor at First Baptist Church. "We prayed and hoped and trusted that the Lord would help us, and then eventually a situation came up where the property owner was prepared to sell, and using a third party, the city had someone buy the property," he details. "Then the city bought the property from them and closed the establishment."

Sooo... in other words, after the lawsuits failed, they turned to the power of prayer. And for the next six years, the power of prayer failed to work. But then after the naughty businessman finally got an offer which pleased him, the power of prayer finally worked! WOW for prayer! Since one thing happened after another thing, it happened because of that other thing! Yay!

They Should Stop Calling Them "Surprise Visits" and Start Calling Them "Pop Quizzes"

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, speaks at a press conference with Iraq's foreign minister Hoshyar Zebari, not pictured, in the heavily fortified Green Zone in Baghdad, Iraq Thursday, Aug. 21, 2008. U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Iraq's foreign minister Hoshyar Zebari said Thursday that American and Iraqi officials agree that timetables should be set for a U.S. troop withdrawal, but conceded that nailing down a broader pact on future relations is difficult. (AP Photo/Ali Abbas, Pool)

What's all this about agreeing on timetables? Is this the new thing now? Does George know about this?

Anyway, who could have guessed that Dr. Ferragamo, after her stops in France, Georgia and Poland, would make a OMG SURPRISE visit to Iraq? Well, I mean, other than me and everybody who reads this blog. PEEKABOO! But this is kinda cute: the Iraqis are so totally democratic now that they, too, can protest against Condi:

(AFP)

They whipped up that little protest against Condi with totally no warning! What spunk!

Anyway, back to Condi. My first thought when I heard about our Princess Diplobot's OMG SURPRISE visit was yes, yes, I know she'll be safe in the Green Zone. But will there be an adequate supply of facial tissues? Weren't you worried, too? Well, rest easy:

(AFP)

See? All is well in Iraq. Neat!

Also, ha ha! That Poland deal yesterday? I was totally all, like, thinking Condi was taunting the Russkies, her old arch enemies who made her famous. But it turns out I was wrong! It turns out all the missiles they're going to put in Poland are to protect Poland from... North Korea and Iran:

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and her Polish counterpart agreed to place 10 missile defense interceptors in Poland to defend against threats from Iran and North Korea, not to weaken Russia, the secretary said.

“This is an agreement that, of course, will establish a missile defense site here in Poland, a missile defense site that will help us to deal with the new threat to the 21st century of long-range missile threats from countries like Iran or from North Korea,” Rice said yesterday at the Polish presidential palace in Warsaw.

See, it has nothing to do with Russia! So now do you understand how totally nice it was for us to give them those missiles? Now our friends in Poland don't have to worry about being constantly badgered by Iran and North Korea. Phew!

Just Like Me!

This many? (AP Photo 2-07-08)

• I am unsure of how many vintage cardigan sweaters I own.
• How many albums by Martin Denny are in my collection? 35? 40?
• I know I have dozens of original Wacky Packages, but I'll have to sit down and count them if you need an exact figure.

And so, too, does John McCain have trouble keeping track of his possessions. How many houses does he own? He's not sure. Cindy thinks it's, what, 8? 9? His staff will get back to you.

Condi Gets Her Georgian Matching Armchairs Photo-Op

Georgia's Foreign Minister Ekaterine Tkeshelashvili meets with U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (R) during a bilateral meeting in central Brussels August 19, 2008. NATO Secretary-General Jaap de Hoop Scheffer said on Tuesday the alliance was freezing regular contacts with Russia until Moscow had fully withdrawn its troops from Georgia in line with a peace deal. REUTERS/Stringer (BELGIUM)

Mission Accomplished™! It's a little thrown-together, but it has the basics. Obviously, the set decorator could have benefited by using my guide to building a better matching armchairs photo-op. Tsk. Anyway! I knew she could do it!

So photo-op achieved, she flew to Poland:

US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Poland's Foreign Minister Radoslaw Sikorski speak with media as they arrived at Okecie airport in Warsaw August 19, 2008. Rice arrived to sign a deal for Poland to host elements of a U.S. missile shield. REUTERS/Kacper Pempel(POLAND)

Ooh, that missile shield sounds expensive. I'm sure Condi has more than earned her spot on the board of whichever fortunate defense contractor makes it.

Photoblogging: Condi was Here?

Click for 1200 x 900.

I spotted this poor, abandoned Ferragamo box top in the alley on my way home from the Metro. So poignant!

Condi the Barbarian

Ossetian protesters demonstrate outside NATO headquarters in Brussels, Tuesday Aug. 19, 2008. U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and her NATO counterparts are reviewing relations with Moscow and are expected to curtail high level meetings and military cooperation with Russia if it does not abandon crucial positions across Georgia. (AP Photo/Geert Vanden Wijngaert)

Wow, gender-fucktastic! I'm wavering between feeling very sick and frightened and being totally, all, you know, I wish I had thought of that! And while extreme, I guess this approach is a little more direct than, say, a nice picture of Condi knitting by the fire with a caption saying, you know, Don't get up, hon, we'll handle it. But, OMG, at least that one won't haunt my dreams!

Diplobots Just Want to Have Fun

French Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchner salutes an unseen person as U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, left, talks with Greek counterpart Dora Bakoyannis, during an emergency NATO foreign minister meeting in Brussels, Tuesday Aug. 19, 2008. U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and her NATO counterparts are reviewing relations with Moscow Tuesday and are expected to curtail high level meetings and military cooperation with Russia if it does not abandon crucial positions across Georgia. (AP Photo/Yves Logghe)

I don't know about that AP caption, but I don't think it's accurate. I believe Mr. Kouchner is gesticulating wildly to distract from the lesbian melodrama playing out just behind him as Condi approaches the handsome Dora for an intimate moment.

Closer, closer:

Closer! Ow! Don't knock teeth, ladies:

We don't have the moment of actual mouth-to-mouth contact captured on film, much less any tongue action, so we'll just have to go by the reaction shot as delightful Dora moves on to her next conquest:

Whoa! Glad that's over! Back to diplomacy, you crazy kids!

Peter Pan Conspiracy Targets Labor Groups

A demonstrator dressed as Peter Pan is arrested during a protest over Disney's treatment of hotel workers outside of Disneyland in Anaheim, Calif., on Thursday.Carlos Delgado / AP

Uh, oh! It's been years since I covered the ever-growing, ever-terrifying Peter Pan Conspiracy, but here we go again! This time the disturbing man-children are trying to get the Mexicans on their side. This can only end in tears.

You may wish to click on the "Peter Pan Conspiracy" tag below to familiarize yourself with the terror.

Condi Views Wounded Georgians, Carries Weird Bag

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, left, visits wounded at a hospital in Tbilisi, Georgia, after talks with Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili on Friday, Aug. 15, 2008. Georgia's president signed an cease-fire deal Friday with Russia meant to end fighting that has battered his country, and U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said Russian troops should pull out of Georgia 'now.' (AP Photo/Irakli Gedenidze, Pool)

Condi and her gals 'n' pals 'n' photographers visited some hurt soldiers today! What a great honor for them! And it's all very interesting and stuff but –hello?– what is that bag? Does anybody know? Is this the kind of bag America's Princess Diplomat should be carrying? Is Condi knocked so sideways by the Russia/Georgia thing that she absent-mindedly wandered into a Hot Topics and purchased a Paul Frank tote bag?

It's OK, I guess, because otherwise Condi looks great! Vacation served her well. Her hair is structurally sound and her flesh looks more convincingly lifelike than ever! Here she is with another grateful hospitalized person:

Hmmm... maybe she's looking a little too good?

Yes! Ladies and Gentlemen, it's the Condibot! Ha, ha! The real Condi is still on vacation somewhere! Fun!

Ooh! Ooh! I Know the Answer to This One! It's "Because Woody Allen is a Dirty Old Man!"

Cliché Watch: Ray Charles On Their Minds

Earlier today, I noted that an anonymous source at the State Department adorably claimed that Dr. Ferragamo has "Georgia on her mind." And who can blame her? And, hey! Hey, that's really clever how you can use that song! I love it because it makes the news more like a musical.

To be fair, the whole Georgia thingy is all, like, totally such a big whoop that a lot of people have Georgia on their minds! Andrew Coyne at the dependably Canadian Macleans cleverly titled his ruminations Georgia on my mind, and so did Rick Brookhiser at the National Review, as well as Andy Sullivan at Reuters and Jay Tea at Wizbang. Oh, also the staff at Political Affairs Magazine, and Megan McArdle at The Atlantic, and Walter Winch at the Kansas City Star, and... um, I don't really need to go on, do I?

Thank goodness for Steve Huntley at the Chicago Sun Times to explain it all for the dull-witted, among us and to explain the joke and ruin it for everyone:

Mention Georgia a few days ago, and most of us would have thought of the state evoked so sweetly in "Georgia on My Mind," the classic tune sung by Ray Charles. Very few of us had heard of the South Ossetia province of Georgia, the nation with the misfortune to have Russia as its neighbor, until war broke out last week.

Oh, wow, I get it now! All of us except those rare superbeings who had prior knowledge of the ultra-obscure former Soviet republic thank you for bringing it all home.

Meanwhile, Human Events delightful Monica Crowley claims that Obama has "Georgia on his mind," but Politico counters that some guy named Jeff Merkely "doesn't have Geogia on his mind," which puts Mr. Merkely in a distinct minority, because John McCain "has Georgia on his mind," according to Reason Online, and so does Vladimir Putin, if we are to believe Australian journalists.

Seriously, though, if you want to find out more about the whole thing over there, go to Talking Points Memo, because they have a bunch of stuff about it because they, too, have Georgia on their mind.

OK, I'm going to give it a rest, now. Who's with me?

LOL Time Magazine

A hard sell? That sounds like a bit of a stretch.

Where is the Conservative Outrage over Cindy McCain Not Wearing a Flag Pin on Her Sling?

Republican presidential candidate Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., center, and his wife Cindy, greet patrons of Kerby's Koney Island diner, Thursday, Aug. 14, 2008, in Bloomfield, Mich. (AP Photo/Mary Altaffer)

Ha, ha, just kidding! It does seem like a missed opportunity for accessorizing, though. Still! She is fierce! It's hard to not totally love Cindy. I surrender.

In the meantime, though, I'm a tad concerned that an old friend of mine finds himself increasingly infatuated with the fabulous Arizona blonde. Private message to Jeff: there are support groups for this kind of thing!

Constipated/Not Constipated

France's President Nicolas Sarkozy (R) walks with U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, as French Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchner follows before talks on the Russia-Georgia conflict at the Fort de Bregancon residence in Bormes-les-Mimosa on the French Riviera August 14, 2008. REUTERS/Philippe Laurenson

Condi 'n' Kozy, yay! They're like theater masks, but thrillingly alive! Look how happy Kozy looks, like somebody who finds themselves suddenly in the position of being a World Player for the very first time! So cute! And Condi... well, Condi looks like somebody whose vacation just got cut short and who is being punished by not getting to go to the Olympics (is that thing still on?) closing ceremony:

"Georgia is a priority right now, she's got Georgia on her mind," said the senior State Department official, speaking on condition of anonymity.

"I mean it's quite possible that she may not make that trip but I don't want to say that it is not going to happen."

Oh, ye of little faith, Mr. Anonymous Diplobot! Since when has Condi let "working" get in the way of traveling?

If she doesn't go, please take note of her mighty sacrifice.

Napoleon Complex

President Bush walks with Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (L) and Secretary of Defense Robert Gates to make a statement on the situation in Georgia in the Rose Garden at the White House in Washington, August 13, 2008. (Jim Young/Reuters)

No, no, not the thing with short people, not that kind of Napoleon complex. This one's way scarier.

Anyway! The Napoleon look suits some people! In fact, I think it would make a great look for Condi:

You are so totally turned on right now. Admit it.

Today's Larry Craig Chuckle

From Al Kamen's column in today's Post:

This from a Nov. 12, 1999, Loop column.

Bipartisanship Never Sleeps Quote of the Week: Sure, it's only Friday, but we're confident this one can't be topped. It's from Sen. Larry E. Craig (R-Idaho), remarking Tuesday on how he and Sen. Robert C. Byrd (D-W.Va.) were in sync on some mining issues.

"Politics makes strange bedpersons," Craig said, according to the New York Times. "I would not be uncomfortable in Bob Byrd's bed."

But Byrd might be.

ROFFLES. Now why did it take so long for that to resurface? Well, better late than never. Larry Craig: always funny, forever and ever, amen.

BREAKING NEWS: Michelle Bachmann Still Insane

(AP Photo 11-01-06)

Excuse me, but I think a lot of us have forgotten James Watt's admonition that Jesus was due to return any day now and OMG, he's going to be pissed that we didn't use up all those natural resources with which he so thoughtfully provided us. Thank goodness for Michelle Bachmann:

House Republicans say they will continue their floor revolt over gas prices during the congressional recess until Nancy Pelosi allows an up-or-down vote on offshore oil drilling. Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota) says she plans to return to Washington to join in the protest.

"[Pelosi] is committed to her global warming fanaticism to the point where she has said that she's just trying to save the planet. We all know that someone did that over 2,000 years ago, they saved the planet -- we didn't need Nancy Pelosi to do that," says Bachmann.

"But she is committed to not allowing any drilling," the Republican lawmaker continues. "She, [Senate Majority Leader] Harry Reid, and also the Democrat [sic] presidential presumptive nominee Barack Obama are all committed to no new energy, whether it comes from natural gas, oil, or coal, or nuclear power."

Hmm, what about solar power and other renewable, non-destructive energy alternatives? Oh, right, those must be tricks created by Satan to fool man.

Alan Keyes Compares McCain to AIDS

Ha, ha! Wheee! Alan Keyes, once again, plays it klassy:

These candidates produced the result the AIDS analogy would lead one to expect. In terms of the conservative constituency of the Republican Party, Sen. McCain is an opportunistic infection that threatens to ravage and destroy its defenseless body. Tragically for America, in the larger context of our national political life he still plays the role of the AIDS virus, masquerading as a republican while opening the way for Barack Obama, the opportunistic infection that will ravage the defenseless body of our republic. If we accept the McCain/Obama choice, we resign the republic to its demise. I guess the "lesser of evils" crowd will take comfort in the notion that though infected with HIV, the patient actually died of pneumonia. Unfortunately, this is false comfort, since the choice they make increases the virulence of the opportunistic infection. In today's political terms, their surrender to moral relativism makes Barack Obama's election to the presidency more and more inevitable.

OMG, and it goes on and on AND ON from there. The editorial is, like, a million words long. Can you get through the whole thing? Are you sure? I can't.

Condi on Russia/Georgia Apocalypse: WhatEVER, I'm on Vacation

(AP Photo, 05-15-08)

Big mess? New world war? New cold war? Neocons' wet dreams come true? I'm sorry, but Condi's on vacation. She'll get back to you:

US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has also been noticeably absent on the diplomatic scene, having failed to interrupt her holidays to fly to Tbilisi in support of the Georgian government.

Instead senior State Department official, Matthew Bryza, who oversees the Caucasus region was sent, two days later than planned, to join a joint EU-US mediation effort to win a ceasefire.

What, not good enough? OK, OK, she'll make some phone calls. Lots of phone calls.

I mean, GOD, leave her alone, OK?

Elderly War Criminal Totally Loving the Olympics

Henry Kissinger, center rear, is shown during a China vs Spain women's preliminary basketball game at the Beijing 2008 Olympics in Beijing, Saturday, Aug. 9, 2008. Others are unidentified. (AP Photo/Eric Gay)

This is Why I Hate the Olympics

Disgusting meathead jocks bellowing at their own victory:

(Jason Reed/Reuters)

Please spare me your veiny poor-sportsmanship. Ew.

Kulture Korner: 10 Reasons (At Least!) Why You Must Immediately Purchase Criterion Collection's New Vampyr DVD

What a treat! Criterion Collection has just released a superb, deluxe 2-DVD (with book! And booklet!) set dedicated to Carl Dreyer's Vampyr, the incredible, mesmerizing 1932 mood piece which makes Tod Browning's Dracula look like the stagey, dull melodrama it is. The best way to convey its hypnotic and creepy qualities is to post many stills, but they only tell half the story. Early sound films tend to be incredibly static because the ungainly, newfangled cameras had to be bolted to the ground. Dreyer, however, shot the film with silent cameras, and his picture never stops moving: the camera pans, and then reverses, revealing completely unexpected and disorienting vistas. The film looks backwards to both silent horror films like Nosferatu and avant-garde oddities like Dali's Un Chien Andalou, but also forward to Eraserhead (the film it most resembles) and the abstract films of Stan Brakhage.

Dreyer was less concerned with telling a story than with creating a mood of creeping dread:

Shadows detach and move independently from their sources:

Skulls and skeletons abound:

Is it a dream? Is it real? It doesn't matter:

Each and every screen composition is perfect:

The "hero" witnesses his own interment from inside the coffin in an extended dream (?) sequence which makes no sense but that you'll never forget:

When Dreyer decides to get back to storytelling, it's exciting and nerve-wracking:

Although the film is filled with ancient superstition, the director was an avid modernist:

Evil is vanquished in an unforgettable denouement:

Oh, sure, you'll have nightmares for weeks afterwards, but they'll be the most beautiful nightmares ever.