Alan Keyes Compares McCain to AIDS

Ha, ha! Wheee! Alan Keyes, once again, plays it klassy:

These candidates produced the result the AIDS analogy would lead one to expect. In terms of the conservative constituency of the Republican Party, Sen. McCain is an opportunistic infection that threatens to ravage and destroy its defenseless body. Tragically for America, in the larger context of our national political life he still plays the role of the AIDS virus, masquerading as a republican while opening the way for Barack Obama, the opportunistic infection that will ravage the defenseless body of our republic. If we accept the McCain/Obama choice, we resign the republic to its demise. I guess the "lesser of evils" crowd will take comfort in the notion that though infected with HIV, the patient actually died of pneumonia. Unfortunately, this is false comfort, since the choice they make increases the virulence of the opportunistic infection. In today's political terms, their surrender to moral relativism makes Barack Obama's election to the presidency more and more inevitable.

OMG, and it goes on and on AND ON from there. The editorial is, like, a million words long. Can you get through the whole thing? Are you sure? I can't.

Alan Keyes Called Himself an Abortion so Here He Is in a Trash Can

"I kind of represent, in political terms, the abortion." --Alan Keyes

Heck, who am I to argue?

Alan Keyes Roundup!

Just 'cuz it's fun and just 'cuz people have been saying, oh, just meanest things possible about Alan Keyes lately, why not have an Alan Keyes Roundup™ today, too?

• Christian Newswire totally hearts him, wistfully remembering their watercolor memories of him as a noteworthy Obama victim, but also refer to him as "a friend and a client," so maybe they're biased.
• Was poor Alan the victim of Paultards? Somebody at Reason says yes!
• "Obama is no John F. Kennedy, and John McCain is no Alan Keyes," offers Investor's Business Daily, reduced to non sequiturs by unknown causes.
• Comedy Central is concerned about God forsaking Alan Keyes 'n' such.
• More laughing and pointing at Alan for being the biggest loser in loservania, this time from The Nation.
• "It seems hard to believe now, but Keyes was once in heavy demand," the commie pinkos at The American Spectator cruelly point out.

Fun!

The Entertainer

UPDATED with new image, because I just couldn't resist.

I have a theory: Huckabee is paying Keyes to "campaign" so that he seems less crazy in comparison. And indeed, Alan Keyes was hilarious in last nights battle of the stars. The New Republic called his appearance ludicrous, but I call it delicious! Best of all is the National Review's encounter:

I jumped in again. “Ambassador, I’m going to ask you one more time. Have you personally been doing campaign events here in Iowa in the last few months?”

“I have had several campaign events here in Iowa, but I will not define those events as you do,” he said.

“In the last few months?”

“I don’t define those events as you do. And I don’t think you have any right whatsoever to establish yourselves as the arbiter of what constitutes an event. I will do that in a way that reflects the best needs and purposes of the people who are working with me. Because as I see it, every time somebody comes forward and takes the pledge, that’s an Iowa event.”

I love you, Alan Keyes! Please don't ever change.

More! Here's the New York Post, which described the debate as a train wreck:

The big embarrassment was ex-Ambassador Alan Keyes, who hasn't been at any other debate - and looked at many points like he'd have to be removed from the stage by security.

And the Seattle Times (these are the conservative papers!):

Although Keyes' opponents mostly ignored him, he was on the attack from the start.

"These folks represent the very elite who, year after year after year, have destroyed our Constitution, betrayed our rights and undermined our strength created by our people in the world," he said.

And, OMG, even humanevents.com makes fun of him:

But it was the presence of Alan Keyes, without an organized campaign and with no level of support in Iowa, who provided the exclamation point on the afternoon. Having let him in to the debate, the Des Moines Register host then had to deal with him -- and his insistence on not being skipped in questioning and his longwinded, irrelevant speechifying. By comparison, Ron Paul was the model of decorum and common sense.

John Dickerson at Slate calls Keyes a "self-obsessed, bullying, petty, scold," and seems to give credence to my thesis that Keyes is a ringer for Huckabee:

To the extent that Keyes was a beneficial force, the benefit went to Mike Huckabee who is running as a second generation social conservative candidate.

Alan Keyes, Superstar!

How exciting! Today marks the first time audiences will be able to enjoy famed presidential candidate Alan Keyes on the big screen! He must be so excited. And it's not every day that such a distinguished politician gets to be featured in what will no doubt be the #1 comedy in the known universe.

That's right: Keyes is one of "Borat"'s victims, playing the stooge in a scene where Sacha Baron Cohen's ersatz foreign correspondent enthuses about a gay pride festival. I can't wait.

But hang on, because fans like me can wait a week and make it a Alan Keyes double feature next weekend when another wholesome entertainment featuring the tenacious defender of propriety makes its debut. Hooray!

Keyes Pops Out of the Sewer Again

Today's Washington Post had a hilarious article about Alan Keyes and his wacko buddies at the Conservative Caucus. They got together to rant 'n' rave about the Judiciary, of course, and to suggest that "Ten Commandments Judge" Ray Moore is really the only sensible choice for the Supreme Court. Pardon me for saying, "God, help us!" What really got my attention, though, was this:

Members of a group called the Conservative Caucus sat around an oval table wearing Ten Commandments pins on their lapels and declining to speak in the polite tones favored by Bush in this "dignified debate" over judicial nominations.

Ten Commandments lapel pins!? I've GOT to get me one of those. So I searched around the internets, and here they are! And are they tacky?

Yes, they are very, very cheap and tacky.

EDIT: I almost forgot about my favorite part! Although former Judge Moore couldn't attend the meeting, he was there in spirit, represented by his portrait from the cover of his book... a graven image, if you will.

More Fun With Alan Keyes!

Breakfast of Champions!

I'm thrilled that a reader of this blog, Suz, agrees that Alan Keyes is fun to Photoshop, as I mentioned Thursday. Here's her take on Alan's wonder years:



See the full-sized version here. Two sparkley hoofs up! Way up!

Lowdown

I just can't get this "down low" stuff out of my head, which makes me, I guess, a typical American. Kids, just look at all these Google News Search results! And the churchy people have gotten themselves all involved in this kicky new fad!

New fad? Is this the first time men have cheated on their wives with... um... their hairdressers? And what's in it for the churches? Why are they so interested all of a sudden?

Well, I promised earlier that I'd come up with a way to illustrate this phenomenon, but all I could produce was Alan Keyes coming out of the sewer:



ACTIVITY TIME: Ha ha ha! Everybody likes looking at funny pictures of Alan Keyes! Wouldn't you like to make a funny picture of him, too? Here's a whole gallery of pictures of him to work with.