Condi 'n' Itsy Bitsy Gates Find Kleenex™ Aplenty in Saudi Arabia

In this photo released by Saudi News Agency, U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, second left, and U.S. Defence Secretary Robert Gates, left, meet with Saudi King Abdullah in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, late, Tuesday, July 31, 2007. (AP Photo/HO, Saudi News Agency)

And, well, there you have it! I don't really have much to say, other than noting that it's kinda funny the the Secretary of State has to be chaperoned by the Secretary of Defense, isn't it? Mixed-messages city! I like the crowded, opulent setting, crammed full of paintings, lamps, awkwardly-placed translators, candy dishes... and, of course, Kleenex™ boxes! I knew they wouldn't let me down. Let's play spot the tissue dispensers, OK? Here goes:

More? Certainly:

Saudi Arabia: where no nose is an island.

Whoopsie! Ted Stevens Surprised by the FBI

Please, everybody, feel free to spread the above picture far and wide! It's search 'n' seizure time, yay!

CNN Now Entering Headlines via Text-Messaging Teenagers

OMG! I'm all, like, CNN is totally doing my job without me!

Too Rich or Too Thin?

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, right, looks on as British Foreign Secretary David Miliband gestures towards the British press as they wait for the arrival of President Bush and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, Monday, July 30, 2007, at Camp David, Md. (AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)

Hmmm... wispy Mr. Miliband seems like a poor substitute for Dr. Ferragamo's former playmate, Jack Straw. Remember those jolly times when they went to football games together in Alabama? It seems like so long ago. Don't sneeze, Condi, or he'll blow up away! On the other hand, she just might have met her match in the unpleasant gurning* department.

But the bestest news? Dr. Secretary and her tiny, yet perfectly formed playmate Robert Gates are hitting the Middle East tomorrow. OMG, they're probably arriving right now! Yay! Many matching armchairs and strategically-placed boxes of Kleenex await!

*Why isn't this wonderful verb used in American English? It's so efficient! We have to use several words to describe the same thing: making faces, etc. Use it in a sentence today!

Such Blatant Pandering to Sparkle Pony Readers Cannot Go Unnoted

It's so true! Take THAT, Edwards! (via Politico)

Can I Have a Hug?

AP Photo, 06/13/07

This picture of dreamy, cuddlesome Robert Zoellick makes me feel so warm inside, I just want to leave it at the top of this page, like, FOREVER and EVER, OK?

Also: there is life on other planets! And they walk among us!

Fred Thompson: Even His 3-Year-Old Daughter Just Ain't Buying It

Former U.S. Senator and potential presidential candidate Fred Thompson (R-TN) smiles at luncheon with his wife Jeri Thompson (C) and daughter Hayden, 3, (R) at the Clarion Town House Hotel in Columbia, South Carolina June 27, 2007. REUTERS/Chris Keane (UNITED STATES)

You know, I've just been looking through loads 'n' loads and, ooh, just oodles of groovy pics of Fred Thompson and Robert Zoellick today, and I've realized that a new catch-all topic label is needed. I think Possible Antichrists has a nice ring.

John Edwards, Throwing Caution to the Wind, Boldly Risks Helmet-Hair

© 2007, The Des Moines Register.

And that's pretty much it! John Edwards donned spandex, rode a bike! Sometimes I pretty much use up all the funny in the headline.

Marching Orders

This picture released by the Jordanian Royal Palace shows US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (R) shaking hands with Jordan's King Abdullah II during a meeting in Washington, DC. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is to embark on a four-day Middle East tour next week to discuss the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and stability in Iraq, the State Department said Tuesday.(AFP/HO)

Yay! A shopping excursion! I'm glad Condi decided to drop that trip to dowdy ol' Africa in favor of the Middle East, because the malls are totally a lot better there. And, naturally, she had to get her holiday instructions from one of her primary masters before going. No, not George (although I'm sure he had some tips 'n' tricks), but Jordan's adorable bear-king!

Which reminds me: I wonder how many oil company boards Condi will grace after the Bush Administration finally goes away?

Barack Obama Just Crushed Your Head

Democratic presidential hopeful, Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., talks at the National Council of La Raza conference in Miami Beach, Fla., Sunday, July 22, 2007. (AP Photo/Alan Diaz)

Photoblogging: Pink Pony Falls Prey to Insidious, Irresistable Marketing Gimmick

Click for desktop-size.

Fresh from the Quik-E-Mart, "real" Simpsons donuts for breakfast courtesy of an intrepid coworker. Yay! They're so pink!

Audioblogging: Funeral Music for Tammy Faye Bakker

Above is a flier I made in 1988 for a band I was in, so I've been a fan for quite a while. My circle of friends in college were obsessed with Jim 'n' Tammy, and we watched their shows nearly every day. My special favorite was "Tammy's House Party", her excellent talk show which featured loads of singing, kitchen mayhem, and surprise guest stars like Gavin MacLeod. Poor Tammy: she was insane, and she was almost deliriously idiotic, but she had a wonderful heart and was a hell of an entertainer. I look back on Tammy Faye with sincere fondness.

To commemorate, here's a reposting of some Tammy Faye audio I blogged earlier, and some bonus tracks I never got around to putting up.

Run Toward the Roar, 1985, PTL Records. Click for bigger.

I have several Tammy Faye and PTL-affiliated records, but the above, produced by "Monster Mash" impresario Gary Paxton, is my favorite:

Run Toward the Roar (2:55, 3.4mb mp3)
Oh How I Love Jesus/Thou Art Worthy (5:09, 6.1mb mp3)

Best of all? Her records for children:

Building on the Rock, 1975, Singcord Records.

This fantastic album consists of ten songs sung in a shrieky fake little girl voice and two stories told by Jim 'n' Tammy and all their puppetland friends. The stories are my favorites, because the musical background is so off-the-wall, at points it almost sounds like Captain Beefheart is providing the accompaniment:

Jonah and the Whale (8:56, 10.4mb)
The House on the Rock (7:15, 8.5mb)

I'm sorry I didn't keep track of the names of which songs (6 of 10) from the album I digitized:
Song 1
Song 2
Song 3
Song 4
Song 5
Song 6

Straight to Valhalla, Tammy Faye! Or Heaven. Or whatever.

UPDATE: Bonus request! From the concert advertised in the flier at the top of this post, here are the fabulous Lemon Fresh Pinetones performing their hit Brain Fever Themes.

Have a Relaxing Weekend!

What's More Pathetic than Being Bush's Poodle?

Blair is now Condi's poodle! Yay! Oh, what a demotion:

(L-R) U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Portugal's Foreign Affairs Minister Luis Amado, European High Representative for the Common Foreign and Security Policy Javier Solana and Special Envoy of the Quartet of Middle East Tony Blair end their joint news conference after the Quartet of Middle East mediators meeting at Belem Cultural Center in Lisbon July 19, 2007. REUTERS/Jose Manuel Ribeiro (PORTUGAL)

Lebanese Christian Zionist has Infinite Opportunities for Self-Loathing

LOL. From, natch, One News Now.

Odd Couple of the Day: Let's Play Charades

Senator Joseph Biden (D-DE) meets with U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (R) on Capitol Hill in Washington, DC, July 18, 2007. Rice was on Capitol Hill to meet with senators about the Bush Administration's course of the war in Iraq. REUTERS/Joshua Roberts (UNITED STATES)

Yup, it was beggin' time again today for Condi, and this is surely one of her more hilarious stops. Condi 'n' Biden! Do you not love it? They're posture says it all: we both know this is a fruitless meeting, but hey, here's two matching armchairs and a Reuters photographer! And Biden, who you may remember (but probably not) is running for president, needs all the press he can get*, and he knows that the very incongruity of his little tea party with Dr. Ferragamo guarantees media coverage.

Finally, neither could hold it in anymore, and both simply burst into gales of laughter:

*He probably could use a little less of this sort of thing, which fell mercifully into my lap when I was guest editing at Wonkette.

Mean Brazilian Plane Crash Steals Media Spotlight from Congressional Stunt Bed

A worker lays out a cot for U.S. Senators in the Lyndon B. Johnson room, just off the Senate floor, in the U.S. Capitol Building in Washington July 17, 2007. U.S. Senate Democrats, hoping to raise pressure on President George W. Bush and his fellow Republicans to pull troops from Iraq, have scheduled an around-the-clock war debate starting on Tuesday. (Jason Reed/Reuters)

I love wire service photos of political novelty cots*, but I really, totally heart the above, because it's a wire service photo of wire service photographers taking photos of a political novelty cot. Good for you, Mr. Reed, for capturing the true nature of the overnight photo-op!

Bad timing with the plane crash, though. It just goes to show that, as ever, Democrats simply can't ever do anything right. Tsk.

*There's the name for your new band!

Sidelined

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, sits by herself in the Oval Office of the White House in Washington, Monday, July 16, 2007, during a meeting between President Bush and Polish President Lech Kaczynski. (AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

Awwwww. It kinda makes me sad to see Condi like this, all dressed up but still surrounded by empty seats. And all she could do is sit there and listen to spotlight-hoggin' George going on and on about some initiative thingy that he's totally making Condi do. As if! George, Dr. Ferragamo really isn't into the whole paperwork thing, OK? That's honestly not her strong suit. To top it all off, she's also probably moping about her canceled trip to Africa:

McCormack said Rice had called Ghanian President John Kufour on Monday to tell him she would now also be skipping an annual forum in Accra on the Africa Growth and Opportunity Act, a centerpiece in the administration's stated commitment to improving the economic lot of the world's poorest continent.

Instead, Rice will stay in Washington to concentrate on the Middle East and Iraq, he said.

Oh, totally! She's going to totally concentrate on the Middle East and Iraq, and the end of Neiman's Final Call has absolutely nothing to do with it, OK?

Anyway, why does George keep making Condi do things she's not good at? Why does anybody? That, Pony Pals™, is one of the greatest mysteries of this decade, and I thought I heard somebody say something about a Peteykins principle or something. Whatever.

Things were way more fun on Friday. I mean, this is the kind of thing Condi's good at, hangin' with basketball players and fondling bronze chicks:

WNBA president Donna Orender, center, and WNBA All-Star Tamika Catchings, of the Indiana Fever, right, presents Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, left, with the 2007 WNBA Inspiration Award, Friday, July 13, 2007 in Washington. (AP Photo/Kevin Wolf)

Next Stop: Schadenfreud City!

Oh dear, yet another hardline conservative has succumbed to the lure of the tearoom! Pity poor Bob Allen, the Florida state legislator who got arrested for solicitation yesterday in one of Titusville's finest public restrooms. I'm sure it was all a mistake, because Mr. Allen is, of course, a Republican and, naturally, quite the vocal proponent of the sanctity of marriage 'n' stuff! So it just can't be true!

The Miami Herald's account is fairly straightforward, but Pony Pal™ Joe makes it extra-delicious.

John McCain's Gay Sweater: The Interview

(AP Photo, 04-25-07)

Oh, sure, some of you think that my recent aborted brush with a political "insider" revealed that when it comes to exclusives... well, I'm not very. That changes now, because I've got today's ultimate get, a one-on-one interview with one of John McCain's notoriously gay sweaters. Haven't you heard? This treacherous piece of machine-knitted actionwear, seen above in happier times, nearly sunk, Donna Rice-like, the grizzled fossil's entire campaign! The maligned winter garment could only spare a few minutes, but you're not going to read this anywhere else! Yay!

PRINCESS SPARKLE PONY: Hello, Mr. Sweater, thank you so much for talking to me today. I'm sure it's been a hectic day!

McCAIN'S GAY SWEATER: No, thank you, honey, because I know you'll tell my story correctly, unlike the mainstream media!

PSP: When did you first join McCain's campaign staff?

MGS: I was brought in by the hair and wardrobe crew last December.

PSP: Were you the first gay sweater on his staff?

MGS: No, there were others. There was a small coterie of gay outerwear; just five or six of us. Some of them kinda... disappeared along the way.

PSP: It sounds like your relationship with the senator was strained. Would you agree?

MGS: Well, obviously now I would. I was naive. I should have noticed the signs... he would grumble. I didn't want to believe it because I felt so close to him! I never thought he'd totally turn on us like he did today. Now, when I look back, I'm embarrassed that I didn't listen to some of the other sweaters. They tried to tell me that the missing gay sweaters had been on the senator's bad side, and that he had disappeared them, if you know what I mean. Unraveled, they said. It gives me the chills just thinking about it.

PSP: How long have you known that you were a gay sweater?

MGS: Honey, all sweaters are gay; it's just that some are gayer than others. I'm an understated, dark blue wool crewneck, so I'm what you'd call a Log Cabin gay sweater. V-neck sweaters are very gay, indeed, and there were several of them on McCain's staff with me. There were no cardigans, though, because there's just no way he would be that gay.

PSP: So where do you go from here?

MGS: I'll nurse my wounds in Lauderdale for a few months, but in the Fall I'll come back to The District. There's always call for a well-connected gay sweater in Washington.

PSP: OMG, that's totally true!

OMG, Cringe!

How mortifying! I bet it's because I use words like hairdresser instead of the racier eligible bachelor or the wonderful-with-fabrics.

Condi Thwarts Insterstellar Invasion with a Single Snarl

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice delivers remarks at the White House Conference on the Americas, Monday, July 9, 2007, in Arlington, Va. (AP Photo/Gerald Herbert)

Did you ever doubt she could do it? And once again, the Earth is spared.

Condi Requires Squadron to Keep Her Safe at Golf Course

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, center, makes her way to the 18th hole during the second round of the AT&T National golf tournament, Friday, July 6, 2007, at Congressional Country Club in Bethesda, Md.(AP Photo/Nick Wass)

Wheeeeee:

Idiot of the Day: Princess Sparkle Pony

OK, so I blew it.

I was supposed to meet a State Department insider today for gossip 'n' lunch, and I've been looking forward to it all week.

I showed up at the right time... but not the right place.

I really don't want to talk about it.

Slow News Week, Please Stand By...

Hey, Pony Pals™! Sorry about the lack of posts, but it's totally, like, the slowest week EVER in DC. I am, however, working on something exciting! Some of you may have seen a sneak-peek about this fun development posted here briefly yesterday. We shall not speak of that now, but let's just say there's more to come! Yay!

UPDATE: Annnnd, naturally, right after I post the above, saying it's a slow news week, Bush commutes Libby's sentence. Whatever. I'll leave that discussion to every single other blog.