Real Food: Shiny Pretzels

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Daily Caller On The Fence About "C Word"

Ha ha ha... The Daily Caller, Tucker Carlson's redundant GOP bulletin board, can't seem to make up its mind about the vulgarities. Here's their article about evil Bill Maher calling Sarah Palin a cunt or, rather, "the 'c' word," and it's hilarious because later in the article they remind us that he also called her "a dumb twat," which I thought was also a dirty word. So "twat" is OK to spell out at the Daily Caller, but "cunt" is apparently just too much. Or is it? Because what's this? Here's the title bar for the page:

And elsewhere on the site:

Yes, that's a link to the same article which resolutely refuses to identify "the 'c' word" (Cannibal? Canadian?). Looks like somebody at the Daily Caller misplaced their "protect the children" style guide.

Newt Gingrich's Brain Puzzler

Oh, sure, I looooove Callista Gingrich, but Newt is pretty great, too! I'm particularly impressed by just how religious Newt pretends to be these days. Is anybody really falling for this? But anyway, Newt spoke to the John Hagee crowd at the Cornerstone Megachurch™ on Sunday and said something that I've been totally baffled by ever since. "By the time [my grandchildren are] my age," Newt warned, "they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists." I want you to read that sentence over and over again until its utter incoherence sinks in, because it is totally a doozy. How exactly, one wonders, would a secular atheist society be dominated by radical Islamists? Try turning that around: if a society is dominated by radical Islamists, how could it possibly be categorized as "secular atheist"? Maybe Callista can explain how this works. Former actress/found object Victoria Jackson was also struggling with this concept recently, when she was all puzzled that demon Liberals love hairdressers but also love radical Islam, which doesn't make sense to her because "Islam kills homosexuals." She's right! It makes no sense! I look forward to the continuing evolution intelligent design of this argument.

Inevitable Callista Gingrich Photoshop

UPDATE:

Your Callista Festival Awaits

(All photos copyright © Callista Gingrich, Gingrich Productions)

So have you headed over to see Gingrich Productions' website yet (warning: loud auto-playing movie on the homepage)? Oh, are you in for a treat, because as you can see in the photo caption above, this is Callista's world, and Newt is just living in it, which is fantastic! The best part, obviously, is the photo galleries, because OMG, it is just Callista, Callista, Callista everywhere with her supercute outfits and special smile and adoring gazes. They just posted a new batch of pictures, and it is simply a relentless parade of Callista fashions and adorableness, which is what America needs right now. I think it's "behind the scenes" shots of Newt 'n' Cindy and pals filming something called "American Exceptionalism," which is presumably about how Newt 'n' Cindy and pals are exceptional Americans. Neat!

And, of course, the mighty hairdo. Take a look at it again, up above. Is that not the most incredible concoction? It's breathtaking. I love how it's constructed of two primary units: the bubble and the epic swoosh. That isn't hairdressing; that's architecture.

It's easy to get swept away on the topic of this epic coiffure, but let's not forget that Newt Gingrich himself is also the proud owner of quite an impressive hair structure:

And in fact, Newt's hair conforms more perfectly to a spherical shape than even Callista's orbital 'do, although obviously on a smaller scale. Let's check the overlay:

But enough about Newt. Callista! OMG so many good pictures. Here are the obvious best:

And remember when I enacted a strict "mean comments about Cindy McCain are forbidden" policy? It was controversial, but I might have to do it again for Callista. Because she is basically Queen of the Universe right now.

How To Tell The Difference Between Callista Gingrich And Jupiter's Fourth Galilean Moon

Imagine you're going about your day, and then you suddenly become mesmerized by a bright, glowing orb. "What is this magical sphere?" you wonder. Suddenly, you hear a nearby person scream out, "Look! It's Callist...", but unfortunately they are struck by lightning before completing the last syllable. So close! What are you going to do? How are you going to be able to determine what you are gazing at without this last little piece of information? Is it Callisto, Jupiter's third-largest moon, or is it Callista, Newt Gingrich's third wife? Some of these tips may help:

• Is the sphere you're viewing orbiting the planet Jupiter? If yes, then it's Callisto.
• Is its orbital period about 16.7 Earth days? It's Callisto. Callista no longer has orbital periods. 
• Is its diameter roughly 27 inches? That's Callista.
• Does it feature one of our solar system's most heavily cratered surfaces? Again, it's Callisto. The surface of Callista is unnaturally smooth.
• Take a look around. Is there a mobile hairdo command center nearby? It's Ms. Gingrich.
• Is it composed of more-or-less equal parts of rocky material and water ice with some additional volatile ices such as ammonia? You'll need more information; this could go either way.

How Closely Does Callista Gingrich's Hairdo Conform To A Spherical Shape?

That's a reasonable question, and one I'm happy to answer! When I saw Callista on the Mall the other day, I was struck by the hairdo's utter, perfect roundness; I thought I had entered the orbit of a fabulous new celestial object. Let's take a more scientific approach using recent photographs from Gingrich Productions:

("All photos copyright © Callista Gingrich, Gingrich Productions, unless otherwise noted.")

As you can see from the above 3/4 "lost profile" view, the mighty hair helmet does, indeed, appear to be impressively orb-like. Time for the overlay to check:

Impressive! Let's look at a front view:

And with the overlay:

I'd say that's about as perfectly spherical as "human" hair can get. Well done, Callista!

Photoblogging: Close Encounter With Callista Gingrich's Hairdo

(All photos by me. Click above for larger.)

I was on my lunch hour and crossing the Mall to photograph an attractive ugly tour bus (see previous post), when I spied an intriguing vehicle parked on 3rd [EDIT: Whoops, on 4th, actually], what appeared to be a mobile hairdressing salon. Nearby on the grass I could see what looked like a typical news-style "stand-up". Nearing the mobile beauty parlor, the door opened and out stepped what I assumed, based on her tailored black suit and highly polished make-up, to be a newscaster. What really transfixed me, however, as I strode not three feet behind her was the extraordinary presence of one of the most intoxicating, profoundly moving (unmoving, actually) hairdos I have ever been lucky enough to see in the wild: a perfectly globe-shaped net of intricately interwoven strands of sunbeams and fabulous gossamer-like blond spiderwebs. Dazed, I felt the power of the hairdo. I felt drawn to it. I wanted to obey its commands. Its complex, spherical architecture humbled me. Its perfection clouded my thoughts as I plodded away and tried to concentrate on photographing the tour bus.

On my way back I stopped at a bench and watched the incredible hairdo doing its thing for the video cameras, now accompanied by a paunchy white-haired man in a dark suit. Something was really familiar about this guy! "That's Newt Gingrich," I thought to myself. And then suddenly it dawned on me: if that was Newt Gingrich, then that meant the magnificent hairdo-wielding spokesgoddess was none other than... the fabulous Callista Gingrich!

Heading back in, I tried to get some sneaky photographs but, as you can see above, I couldn't get a good angle on the Gingriches. Even mostly obscured, however, you can still get a sense of the immaculate perfection of this sensational hair helmet in this exclusive detail:

Oh, how I wish I had been able to snap out of my hairdo-induced reverie earlier to reach for the camera so you could see the breathtaking rear view! But just so the encounter wouldn't be a total loss, I managed to get this shot, Callista Gingrich's mobile hairdo command center (click for bigger):

Some of you Pony Pals have been trying to interest me in Callista for quite some time, and I've demurred. Now, though, I'm totally sold on her. Some hairdos simply can't be ignored.

Ugly Tour Bus Photoblogging: Blue Stars

Click either for 1200x900

It's going to be such a good season.

The Condibook Figures Are In

So how did the Condibook do? Publishers Weekly released their 2010 Facts 'n' Figures round-up, and Extraordinary, Ordinary People juuuuuuust barely made the "sold 100,000" cut, so it was a success!

Or was it? Last October I predicted that "the reviews will be charitable but lukewarm, and it will sell shitloads of copies." In regard to the former, I was right, because the critics were mostly kind but underwhelmed; there were no raves. As to selling shitloads of copies? Well, according to PW, it sold just under 117,000. Now, if I published a book of tour bus photographs and it sold 117,000 copies, I would call that a shitload. For a mainstream non-fiction title, that's a pretty OK number, but for a supposedly major name like Condoleezza Rice, it's a disappointment. George W. Bush's book sold over 2 1/2 million copies; Keith Richards sold over 800,000, and Sarah Palin's under-performing second book sold nearly that many. Laura Bush –Laura Bush!– managed to move over 600,000 copies of her lightweight nonsense, and Shit My Dad Says, a book based on a Twitter account, sold 761,000 hardbacks. So when you compare Condi's 117,000 to, say, Chelsea Handler's 653,000 (!!!), it starts to look pretty unimpressive. The Condibook failed to make the "e-books" list, and the juvenile version of Extraordinary, Ordinary People also failed to make the children's books list, meaning that it didn't sell 100,000 copies.

Let's look at it another way: Crown Publishers paid Condi a purported $2.5 million for three books. The kiddie book didn't sell at all (let's just say). Customers probably paid an average of $19 or $20 per copy (Amazon sells it for $15, list price is $27). That adds up to Crown not quite, or barely, making their investment back on the first two books. The third book, the one in which Condi covers her years in the White House, probably won't contain any startling revelations and, therefore, probably won't sell much better.

If you ask me, all this basically adds up to Condi being a bit of a flop in publishing. I mean, come on, a book based on a Twitter account sold seven copies to every one of Condi's title. My Passion for Design by Barbra Steisand sold more! Bringing Up Girls by James Dobson moved twice as many units!

Don't quit your day job, Condi.

Eensy-Weensy Secretary Of Defense Round-Up!

U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates and his wife Becky are greeted upon their arrival in St. Petersburg, Russia, Monday, March 21, 2011. (AP Photo/Charles Dharapak, Pool)

I used to feature Robert Gates a lot here at PSP, but for some reason I've been neglecting the adorable, fun-sized secretary of defense of late. Why is that? Will you look at the shot above? SO CUTE. Look, he has a miniature wife, too! Could you die? Wait, look, here's another shot:

OMG, they are like puppies! They are little dolls surrounded by big people in costumes bending over to say hello and it is just the cutest thing EVER. My Li'l Secretary of Defense™®!

Speaking of which, here he is on March 12 with the King Hamad of Bahrain in a very fancy Heraldic Sofa* photo-op:

(AP Photo/ Mandal Ngan, pool)

Robert Gates is just a precious, precious china figurine. So tiny. So perfectly formed.

*A close relative of the beloved Matching Armchairs photo-op.

Sarah Palin's Israeli Product Placement

Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin arrives at Ben Gurion airport near Tel Aviv, Israel, Sunday, March 20, 2011. Palin is in Israel on a trip that has raised speculation she is honing her foreign policy credentials ahead of a run for the U.S. presidency next year. Palin arrived in Israel Sunday afternoon after a stop in India. (AP Photo/Yuval Chen)

There she is in a foreign country, looking just like the tacky, frightened tourist she is. Apparently she put on a Star of David necklace and let that do most of the talking for her. But what is up with that awful, cheap vest? Is it not the ugliest? Oh, but there is, of course, something about that vest:

Ah yes, Rancho del Cielo, better known as the Reagan Ranch, one-time getaway of Ron 'n' Nancy and now the home of the ultra-conservative Young America's Foundation. So it's a "gimme" vest, probably gifted to her when she spoke at the ranch last month (I bet Dick Cheney got one, too). Most conferences pass out awful canvas tote bags; this one passed out awful synthetic vests. I bet she calls it her "Reagan Vest."

Between the necklace and the vest, it really shows that if it doesn't fit onto a bumper sticker or in a Tweet, or a cheap piece of jewelry or an embroidered patch or a Facething update, it's all just a bit too much for Sarah. Keep it simple; keep it branded.

Palin Reveals Breast Augmentation Plans In India

The 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin speaks at a conference organized by a media house in New Delhi, India, Saturday, March 19, 2011. Palin highlighted U.S.-Indian relations while sounding a warning note on China during a speech Saturday night at a conference in New Delhi. (AP Photos/India Today)

Haw, sorry, I couldn't resist. But anyway, yes, Sarah did her thing in India and it was just totally boring, Sarah-boilerplate material. I think my favorite thing is that the organizer/host of the event, basically introduced her as an obvious stunt/comedy joke/found object, on a par (below, actually) with having Steve Colbert appear:

As she got up to head to the podium, Aroon Purie, the editor-in-chief of India Today, the weekly magazine that organized the conference and invited Ms. Palin to India in a rare overseas visit, halted her, saying, “Not so fast. I’ve got lots more nice things to say about you.”

In his highly flattering introduction, Mr. Purie did make a gentle dig about her having a creative vocabulary, saying, “Madam, I hope you won’t refudiate me if I say so.”

Handle the idiot carefully!

In more disappointing news, I have found no evidence that Sarah's path crossed with Germain Greer, also present at the event. Pity.

Ugly Tour Bus Photoblogging: 2011 Series Begins!

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Priorities

Let's Take An Ursula Break

Die Abgeordnete und ehemalige oesterreichische Aussenministerin Ursula Plassnik (OeVP) spricht am Dienstag (01.03.11) in Wien waehrend einer Sitzung des Nationalrates zur Libyen Krise im Parlament. In der heutigen Sitzung werden unter anderem die neuen Zugangsregelungen fuer die Universitaeten und die gemeinsame Obsorge debattiert. Foto: Hans Punz/dapd

It isn't much, but I'll take it! A recent picture of Ursula!!!! It's been sooooo long, but there she is, bescarved (bescarfed?) and right back where we want her: in front of a camera. It turns out that she's running for some kind of office ("Secretary General of the OSCE"), but I can't figure it out. Obviously I want her to win whatever it is, because life without Ursula Plassnik as a public figure is difficult.

UPDATE: Arizona Lawmakers Nothing If Not Predictable

Last May I congratulated Arizona Republicans for waging a successful war against the Mexicans they hate so much. "The obvious next step," I wrote, "is "English-only" legislation (again). It's only a matter of time. Jan Brewer's pen is poised and waiting!" Was I just trying to be funny? No, that was a prediction, one given with utmost confidence. A prediction which has now come true.

You Can Take The Man Out Of Arizona...

Proof positive that after all these years, I'm still an Arizonan at heart: I was late for work this morning because I messed up the STUPID TIME CHANGE. It's nice to have at least this one single example to show that Arizona (and Hawaii) can be more sensible than the rest of the country.

"A Lot More Agnew Than Reagan"

(Fear my mad image research skillz)

Todays must read? In the Politico, of all places! The article is hilariously titled "She's becoming Al Sharpton, Alaska Edition" and it's about one of our favorite subjects, the growing hatred of Sarah Palin by elite conservative intellectuals. This article has so many funny/mean quotes from named sources that it will touch off at least one-hundred Twitter/Facething feuds, Sarah's natural element. Her enemies list, the one you know she diligently maintains, will grow and grow forever.

My second favorite thing about the article is the unmistakable sense of panic you can sense in the increasingly irrelevant "boutique Washington conservative" set as they realize that they have totally lost the GOP to Glenn Beck, Andrew Breitbart and,  yes, Sarah Palin.

But my very favorite thing is when one aggrieved pundit says that Sarah's way more like Spiro Agnew than Ronald Reagan (See above. It's true!). Ha, ha, ha, ouch.

UPDATE: In The Congo?

Hello! Whoops, I forgot to blog again. But anyway, sometimes people leave comments on really old posts and, puzzled, I go ahead and publish them (comments on posts over a certain age have to be "approved"), knowing that hardly anybody will ever see them.

But this morning I was thrilled to see a comment on one of my old audioblog entries, the mysterious and wonderful "Congo Percussion" album, by a sadly anonymous informer who really seems to know a lot about the history of these beautiful recordings:

The whole thing seems to stem from a release on the short-lived RKO/Unique label: "Jungle Beat" by Subri Moulin and the Equatorial Rhythm Group. It had nothing to do with Chaino or Kirby Allen. RKO's LP line went under very quickly, and the recording was absorbed by Tops/Mayfair. Eventually it found its way to Pirouette etc.

The ping-pong percussion intros are not part of the original sessions; they were added on somewhere along the line. Just like the tracks were first given different spellings, then renamed completely, as the tapes passed from one supermarket label to another. Some labels have the version with the intros, others do not.

Very interesting! I always suspected that the intros were tacked-on (the rubber duckie noises and slide whistle were kind of a tip-off), but that the music was otherwise "authentic," whatever that really means. I've always been baffled by this record, and this information really clears it up. So it probably really is from the Congo! Or Cameroon! Or nearby! Neat!

So thank you, anonymous commenter, for making my morning (you and the creator of the "Bono Tracker"). If you haven't listened to this music yet, go ahead and do so; it will make your morning, too.

NY Times Introduces Exciting "Bono Tracker"

Don't you hate it when you wake up in a mad panic, sitting bolt-upright, soaked with sweat and realizing that you have no idea where Bono is? Of course you do. I do, too. We all do. What a terrible feeling!

Well, at first I thought that the NY Times had solved this awful, soul-crushing condition with their hi-tech "Bono's Whereabouts" feature. How do they do it? Did they implant an RFD tag or something? Thank goodness, I thought to myself, that I'll never have to wonder about the location of the Irish pop singer/world savior ever again. There he is! Right in the middle of the Outback! The Dingos are safe!

But then I realized that it was probably just a one-shot thing tied to yet another article about the trials and tribulations of the superimportant Spider-Man musical.

Oh New York Times, you can be so cruel.

Did Sarah Palin Snub Jan Brewer? [UPDATED]

(AP Photo, 02-27-11)

By now, Jan Brewer is back in Arizona. I'm assuming there was a massive ticker-tape parade upon her return. But what happened to her plans to meet with the Sarah Palin? Granted, the news reports which mentioned the scheduled meeting were a little hazy, and Brewer herself never said she was going to meet with Palin,  but as far as I can tell, it didn't happen.

Maybe it did happen and nobody said anything about it? Unlikely. If Jan had basked in Sarah's presence, you can bet the photos would have been up on her Facething fence (wall? Whatever the kids call it) within seconds.

Maybe it was never supposed to happen and people just assumed that the two would meet because why else would Brewer go to Alaska?

Or maybe it was supposed to happen and Sarah had one of her many "Oops, did I schedule that?" moments, only to realize that there she was, off shooting dinner while Jan waited patiently and fruitlessly with her photographer?

I prefer the last scenario, of course. I love the idea of Jan Brewer traveling all the way to Alaska for the sole purpose of getting a photo-op with Sarah Palin, and all she got was some lousy t-shirt.

These questions, of course, will dominate my week. Speaking of questions, go ahead and stare at the photo at the top of this post and contemplate –really contemplate– Jan's hair.

UPDATE: It looks like Jan did briefly enter the orbit of the Todd Palin while "enjoying" the Iditarod. That's close, but no banana.

UPDATE: Interesting that in a blog post at the Arizona Republic about Sarah Palin's choice of Arizona as a possible base for her campaign,  there is the following vagueness:

Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer, who spent the weekend vacationing in Alaska, said she didn't have any conversations with Palin about a possible Senate run while she was in town and that the topic never came up.

Note that the statements above imply that Brewer talked to Palin this weekend without actually stating it. If Brewer didn't meet Palin, the above statements would still be true. Clever! I still find it impossible to believe a Palin/Brewer meeting without photo-ops.

Are You Inspired Yet?

UPDATE: Bad T-Shirt Designers Still Following Bad PSP Bad T-Shirt Design Tutorial

Ha ha, OK, so Pony Pal™ Joemygod posted this hilarious thing from the YouTubes about this sad young waif who claims he used to be a hairdresser but now... now still looks pretty much like a hairdresser to me.

But! That's not what caught my eye! What I appreciated most was that the forlorn "ex-gay" was wearing a horrible shirt which appears to follow the famous PSP Bad T-Shirt Tutorial to... well, to a T.

How exactly? Let's see: mandatory wings? Check. I deigned the skull to be optional, so check there, too (although there's probably a skull hidden somewhere in that mess). Rococo design elements? Yes, in the background. More random crap in the background? Not only yes, but it's old-fashioned writing, just as I suggested.

My only quibble is that the winged design really should be placed asymmetrically. Still though, all-in-all, I'll give it a solid A- for following every step of the bad design tutorial almost perfectly.

The Way Tucson Works

(Downtown Tucson seen from the SW. Photo via)

I confess that in all the writing I've been doing about Arizona over the last year or so, I have perhaps given the impression that my hometown, Tucson, is somehow above it all, a shining liberal oasis in the midst of an otherwise hopeless (but gorgeous!) state. Tucson, it seems, simply isn't plagued by the idiocy so lovingly embraced by the rest of the Grand Canyon State™.

This is, of course, absolutely false.

When I was growing up, I remember my parents and other liberal adults forever griping about The Developers, meaning the real estate developers. They were to blame for everything. They had the city government in their pockets and over a barrel (Tucson: mixed metaphor city!), it seemed, And the Pima County Board of Supervisors, the real power in the area? Even worse. By the time I got to high school, I came to the realization that The Developers, to be sure, were a fairly evil lot, forever meddling in municipal affairs and sparking ghastly, wasteful boondoggles. On the other hand, I got a little jaded to the constant carping about The Developers, as it seemed like they had become too lazy and easy a boogieman for the University of Arizona set. It seemed to me that the real problem was the politicians: they were ALL financed by and large by the real estate industry, basically the only industry in town, and all too eager to do its bidding.

And that, Pony Pals™, is basically how Tucson works.

Or doesn't work, in the following case. I spotted this excellent article in the Arizona Daily Star yesterday which brought all those memories of The Developers and their double-ouroboros-like relationship with Tucson politicians flooding back to me. Gaze in wonder at the profound ineptness with which the local pols handled what should have been a simple Downtown building project, and gasp in awe at what The Developer gets away with! Truly it is a thing of beauty:

Struggling downtown developer Gadsden Co. hasn't delivered much of anything on our West Side dust bowl. Failing to meet deadlines. Failing to pay $53,000 in property taxes through January. Failing to build what it promised the city.

And yet, the city keeps promising a pot of gold at the end of the downtown rainbow (bridge). The city keeps moving ahead with a big flip that will reward Gadsden with not only some extra cash, but the rights to even more city property.

Gadsden's Adam Weinstein and Jerry Dixon better hustle. Deals like this are hard to pass up.

The city will sell Gadsden property at the edge of downtown for $250,000, and Gadsden will immediately sell the land to another developer for $1.43 million. Then Gadsden will take some of that money and put it back into the property for utility work and site improvements - although Gadsden was supposed to do that kind of work in the first place, and with its own money. The rest of the money, about $500,000, is Gadsden's.

All that and they didn't have to erect a single building! For three years. Good work if you can get it!

Watch Out Jan, She's Right Behind You

(Photo via Jan Brewer's Facething)

Everybody deserves a vacation, even Jan Brewer! Destroying a large Western state is hard work, so it's nice to see Jan relaxing in a much larger Western state where maybe, just maybe, she'll get lost forever or, I don't know, eaten by a bear at the airport (see above).

One interesting thing: no pics of Jan with Queen Sarah! What's up with that? Did Sarah snub Jan? Nobody cares much for Brewer, so there isn't much online about this little vacation, but here's a tiny notice that implies that Jan was to meet with the Grizzly Mama. So did she? Or did Sarah have "scheduling problems"? The Arizona Republic doesn't seem to have even noticed that she left the state, so maybe we'll never know.

UPDATE: I had to resort to a Yuma newspaper to find out that Brewer is indeed scheduled to meet "the Todd and Sarah Palin," so stay tuned. I bet it won't happen. I bet they blow her off.

Never Give Up, Never Surrender

Former Penn. Sen. Rick Santorum waits to speak at the Iowa Renewable Fuels Summit, Tuesday, Jan. 25, 2011, in Des Moines, Iowa. (AP Photo/Charlie Neibergall)

Today's must-read is this totally weird article at Politico about "the truce" on the right wing about social issues. The truce? You remember the truce: it's about how the Republicans think that voters only care about economic issues and so they should put social issues on the back burner for the next election cycle.

Except that, as the article amply demonstrates, there is no truce, there never has been one, there never will be one, and "social" issues doctrine is still used as a litmus test on the right, and always will be. In fact, the only GOP figure to even suggest such a truce, Mitch Daniels, is basically described as being a non-starter specifically because he suggested it.

What's really funny is that every single "social issue" group says the same thing. To paraphrase: "We're not saying that our abortion/homo/school choice issue should be the number one issue, but if the candidate doesn't agree with us on that issue, they're out of here." Doesn't sound like much of a truce to me.

So basically it's a whole article about something that doesn't exist, which makes it interesting. Neat!