Friday, March 25, 2011

How To Tell The Difference Between Callista Gingrich And Jupiter's Fourth Galilean Moon


Imagine you're going about your day, and then you suddenly become mesmerized by a bright, glowing orb. "What is this magical sphere?" you wonder. Suddenly, you hear a nearby person scream out, "Look! It's Callist...", but unfortunately they are struck by lightning before completing the last syllable. So close! What are you going to do? How are you going to be able to determine what you are gazing at without this last little piece of information? Is it Callisto, Jupiter's third-largest moon, or is it Callista, Newt Gingrich's third wife? Some of these tips may help:

  • Is the sphere you're viewing orbiting the planet Jupiter? If yes, then it's Callisto.
  • Is its orbital period about 16.7 Earth days? It's Callisto. Callista no longer has orbital periods. 
  • Is its diameter roughly 27 inches? That's Callista.
  • Does it feature one of our solar system's most heavily cratered surfaces? Again, it's Callisto. The surface of Callista is unnaturally smooth.
  • Take a look around. Is there a mobile hairdo command center nearby? It's Ms. Gingrich.
  • Is it composed of more-or-less equal parts of rocky material and water ice with some additional volatile ices such as ammonia? You'll need more information; this could go either way.

15 comments:

Jim said...

Re: orbital periods, amazing.

Rod n OH said...

...i love..LOVE...that you've found this heavenly orb to blog about...it brightens my day (and, i suppose, it could brighten my night, if the lighting were just so)...Callisto that is! though i suppose Ms. Gingrich could easily cast an eerie glow upon the landscape...

Dr. Monkey said...

I see a flow chart about this in someone's future.

Toriko said...

Man, she's got some crazy Laura Bush eyes.

Anonymous said...

that photo makes her look like the demon spawn of the Joker and Jared Loughner

Matty Boy said...

I cannot tell you how happy it makes me that there is something in the news that so fits your talents, Peteykins. Bill Richardson, Blago, even Cindy McCain... they were gone before we knew it.

Other pundits may be yapping about Newt's massive flip-flop, but if we want to find out what's really important in our nation's capital, it has ever been thus. (Or "ever" since blogging was a thing to do.)

In Washington, only Princess Sparkle Pony matters.

Aunt Snow said...

It's the magic bubble.

Kalkaino said...

Wait! I just thought of another criterion: If it's orbiting a gas-giant it's Callist...

Never mind. That too could go either way.

Anonymous said...

It looks like there is alot of petrochemicals in Callista’s hair via Aquanet and hair coloring. For such a bowl cut, that is alot of sunflower yellow hair coloring.

Anonymous said...

And to think you were so bereft when Condi left office. Fear not, Princess, there will ALWAYS be Republican hair to make fun of!

Adalbert said...

Her readiance is transplendent!! Thanks for the Gongrich Prod links!! Have you noticed each succeeding wife of Newt is even more fantastic the the ones that came hitherto? Check out the Iowa state Fair photos -- the Studly Speaker may be interviewing for wife number 4!!

ep said...

Oh holy Moon Goddess, may I tickle your feet?

samael7 said...

Dear Peteykins,

Please play this list comparison game as often as you like, preferably at your earliest convenience.

Eclipsed by Callist- *ZAP*,
Samael

MrsTarquinBiscuitbarrel said...

For several days now, I have suffered from a brain virus involving John Denver's alleged "song," "Calypso." Been stumbling around muttering, "Ay, Callista..."

So the only proper thing to do is to pass it along: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35x_rwyBh-8

Lockwood said...

Just added a link to this post from my own. I suspect this may have been the source for "my" idea.