Tea Party Surrealism?

It's been a while since I've written for Wonkette, but I'm back asking the important questions: What if Joni Ernst were more like Max Ernst? Find out here.

UPDATE: BONUS GAG which I thought of in the shower this morning and then couldn't remember until twelve hours later:

• June, 2019: Joni proposes swapping out the traditional GOP elephant logo for a minotaur.

GOP Gets Squirrely

On Friday at Wonkette, I made a particularly dumb post where I imagined a parallel universe in which the GOP embraced cat memes to spread their message. Within hours, amazingly, reports started filtering in about a Republican operative roaming around in... a squirrel costume, delivering meme-y platitudes against Hillary Clinton. What's a satirist to do when his job is being done without him?

So anyway, just as I demonstrated at Wonkette that I can produce better cat memes than the GOP, it behooves me to also demonstrate that I can create squirrel memes better than they can:

Fun With Your New Jennifer Rubin

This week's "What If?" column over at Wonkette is really strange. OK, stranger than usual. This time I've taken Sparklecrush Jennifer Rubin and inserted her rather unhappily into Thomas M. Disch's great short story "Fun with Your New Head". The result is unnerving and, probably, irritating. Enjoy!

So I Read Somewhere On The Internet That Paul Ryan Blew A Dog

My latest "What If?" column is up at Wonkette, and it may be a new low for the site, which is saying something. It's about Paul Ryan and... dog penises. I mean... really. And while it's true that I was prompted to write it at the urging of Wonkette's readers, I only have myself to blame.

Ask And Ye Shall Receive

Yesterday in my latest "What If?" column for Wonkette, I expressed a wish for less Hitler in political discourse, and more Charles Manson, you know, for laffs.  But this morning, almost as if in response, the Huffington Thing came through with this:

I rest my case.

Odds, Ends, Plugs, Warnings

It's "What If?" time over at Wonkette again. This week I ponder the prose stylings of Breitbart's Ben Shapiro, and wonder just how many times you have to hit yourself on the head with a hammer before it all starts to make any sense. Don't try this at home!

In other news, last Thursday I posted a thing about what fun it was to discover that some of my best friends were heroin addicts.  I'm sorry to say that I received the update I feared would come, so the post has been amended.

Meanwhile, Washington is apparently going to be mummified in ten feet of solid ice tonight and tomorrow. Neat!

And finally, if you're irritated that I'm writing for Wonkette again, because I should be posting here more, you are going to HATE me this Sunday when something I did for an even more mainstream enterprise is published. Details to come!

UPDATE: Or not this Sunday!

Showing Support For Traditional Gender Roles The Sparkle Pony Way!

It's "What If?" time again at Wonkette. After confessing the stupidity of the last few episodes, this time I'm going to go ahead and call it an instant PSP classic. It's inspired by this post at Pony Pal™ Joe's place, and features cameo appearances by Nancy, the Village People, several cartoon cavemen, and Brigham Young's wives. Enjoy.

Fashion Victim: Michele Bachmann In Strappy, Vintage Gaultier?

Uh, oh, it's "What If?" time again at Wonkette, and this go-around is just so random and pointless (even by my standards!) and all the jokes land with a thud. So if you like that sort of thing, click here to find out what Congress would be like with more swanning about in Belgian couture!

Today In Speculative Fiction

Today at Wonkette I ask the eternal questions. Wait, no, that's not it. I only ask one question, and that question is "What If Michelle Obama Grew Fifty Feet Overnight?" So not only is the question NOT eternal, it's actually totally stupid. See what happens here!

On Friday I reminisced about writing for Wonkette. On Saturday I wrote about Gay Aaron Schock™. So it only seems natural that today I'm writing about Gay Aaron Schock™ on Wonkette. See how that works? It's like some cosmic circle of blog life or something! Plus, some Pony Pals have suggested that it wouldn't be untoward of me to indulge in a little credit-grabbing re: Gay Aaron Schock™, so there you go.

Anyway, it's one of my speculative fiction "What If...?" pieces. What if Aaron Schock is, in fact, something outlandishly unlikely? What could that be? Read about it here.

UPDATE - See, this is one of the reasons why I love writing for Wonkette:

Finally, A Politician Explains Tax Issues In A Language I Can Understand

Today's must see is Alan Grayson's explanation of tax cuts for the rich using Hermès Birkins*, Mercedes Benzes, and, wittily, Grey Poupon Mustard. So instructive! We'll miss you, Alan.

I love this trick, and did something similar on Wonkette a few years ago, where I revealed that the tobacco industry, upon the overturning of a $145 billion settlement against them, could buy Pucci turtlenecks for every man, woman and child in the European Union, or stage a demolition derby with five million Hummer H3s. Math is fun!

*I'm not sure why Grayson felt the need to exaggerate the cost of a Birkin so much. 64 grand? Sure, Birkins run well into the five figures, depending on the materials, but it would have to be, like, a 24k gold-frosted albino crocodile Birkin at that price. Here's a handy point of reference from the Daily Mail (UK): In 2009, Victoria Beckham had 100 Birkins worth £1.5 million. That makes the average price of a Birkin £15,000, or about $24,000. Wasn't that high enough for Grayson?

Start Your Condiweek Informed

This is just a quickie to remind you of my weekly column on Wonkette! Every Monday, the Condi Roundup fills you in on the Condiweek that was. So far, each column has been surprisingly long! See the latest one here.

What will this week bring? Very concerned about the new hairdo!

Metablogging: Exciting New Column!

Starting today, I've got a new weekly column at Wonkette about... Condi! I know, weird, huh? But anyway, every Monday I'll be bringing a summary of Condiproduct and stories from the preceding week. Yes, yes, some of it will be recycled from here, but there's always new jokes to make and matching armchairs I may have missed the first time around. It's a convenient way to start the week all up-to-date on Dr. Ferragamo! See the premiere episode here.

Guest-Blogging Roundup

Ha ha! Heard any good ones, lately? It was loads of nerve-wracking fun blogging at Wonkette yesterday and today. My goodness, people certainly got a kick out of the Larry Craig scoop! And some people maybe vomited! Wheee! I didn't figure out how to get a byline (I'm lazy and kinda stupid that way), so here are links to most of the other stories I wrote:

• Chris Dodd has really, really white hair, because of Republicans!
• Does the Huckabee messenger bag come in pink?
• The FTC hates hippies, natural produce.
• Dana Perino looks at the sunny side of global warming.
• Condi and Charles Manson: together at last!*
• California wildfires? Blame the fags.
• Obama primes homo grudge-match.
• Bloggers and college students more dangerous than terrorists!
• Nap time for Dick Cheney.
• Don't ask Condi about Iraqi corruption. She'll get mad!
• Be a bloodthirsty mercenary, or look just like one!
• National Slut Day? Yes, please!
• Obama's "ex-gay" gospel singer maybe not so ex-gay after all!
• Lesbians can't get married in Florida unless they're incarcerated.
• A modest proposal for Jonathan Demme to improve his boring Jimmy Carter movie.
• FEMA pretends to have a press conference.
• David Brooks claims he's outsourced his brain, and I believe him!
• Hello? Washington Post? This is how you write a gossip item.
• Condi poses with unhappy dead guy.
• French people don't exactly love Donald Rumsfeld.
• Laura Bush: Islamofascist asskisser.
• Did the CIA give eBay positive feedback?
  

And there are a couple more which haven't been posted yet, but I'll update the links when they do. Phew! Holy cow, did I really write all that?


*This effort was denounced by a Wonkette commentor thusly: "God, how dumb. Doesn't even rise to the level of witless."

UPDATE: All these links went dead when Wonkette changed servers. They have been fixed.

Join Me at Wonkette for the Rest of the Week

Yay! I'll be at Wonkette on Thursday and Friday, spreading a little glitter here, a little glitter there, and a big, heaping bucket of hoof polish over poor, unsuspecting Larry Craig's head. Whee!

OK, I'm Officially Over Larry Craig

But not before an encore of Larry Craig Hand Turkeys:

Blogging at Wonkette was fun today! I was better-prepared than I was last year, so it wasn't as scary and hectic. I had lots of fun with Senator Craig, true, but I also got to make fun of John McCain being old, John Ashcroft's wife for sticking her tongue out at Alberto Gonzales, the Spy Museum for being expensive and infested with tourist children, and Condi 'n' George for going to the moon! Overall, it was a pretty sparkley day!

UPDATE! For future reference, here are links to the rest of my Wonkette posts for the day:
Good Morning!
Larry Craig weekend news Corral!
Carolina GOP sex scandals are old-fashioned, but feature funnier names.
Jerry Lewis says the f-word. No, the other f-word.
Dear Wonkette: Is there an airport sexytime play toilet in my area? Probably!
Larry Craig's adopted kids: terribly naive or is it just the bad hairdos?
Larry Craig-related sacred relics! Hurry!
Ha ha ha! Larry Craig Photoshops! What'll those kids think of next?

I'm So Exhausted by Larry Craig Week that Tomorrow I'm Going to Take it Easy by Blogging on Wonkette

It's true! I'll be filling in for the inimitable Alex Pareene tomorrow (Tuesday) on everybody's favorite noteworthy smut-rag, Wonkette! Now, considering that the day after Labor Day is one of the most notoriously slow-news-days of the year, all I can say is this: thank goodness for Larry Craig! Because, Pony Pals, there are so many snide comments left to be made! Also: thank goodness the other editor lives on the West Coast and I can scoop the shit out of him before he even wakes up. Yay! Above, please see a superexciting sneak preview of the kind of thing you can expect tomorrow.

OMG, I Know Who Can Replace Alberto Gonzales!

Also, I know this has been posted elsewhere, but I simply have to add to the chorus of approval for the sexiest protester of the year:

Who is he and where do we see nude photographs of find out more about him? Bad form wearing the hat inside, though.

UPDATE: His name is Adam Kokesh, he's with Iraq Vets Against the War, and there's another picture of him here.

Gosh, he's adorable!

UPDATE: They were a little slow, but Wonkette caught Adam Fever, too!

Call Me Madam

Hey, Pony Pals™, I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that there will be little or no posting here at the Pink Pony through Friday; the good news is that I'll be guest-blogging at Wonkette instead. So all you folks who complain when I skip a day or when I only post once or twice, here's your chance to enjoy twelve glittery entries a day! Enjoy.

UPDATE: OMG, that was totally hard, and no joking. I have a new-found respect for people who do this kinda thing all day long. Holy cow!

My fave pic for the day:

Condicise!

NBC 4 News "reporter" Barbara Harrison wants to lose some weight, so who better to get exercise advice from than... Princess Condi! Find out about the multi-part series --with video!-- here. OMG, I've been waiting all week for this*, and the brief segment did not disappoint! Please enjoy the pit-shot above, and the lovely full-frontal gaptooth pic below:

But don't get nervous that Channel 4 is going to go all, you know, journalisty on us, because they also featured a "report" this morning about how McDonald's will soon be offering new, more deliciouser coffee, so they can still transcribe corporate press releases with the best of 'em.

*An aside to all the people who emailed me thinking I had totally missed all the promos for the Condihealthstravaganza: did you really, honestly think I'd miss this? WTF? I find your lack of faith disturbing.

And, finally, no, it does not affect the Hairdo Alert System™ when Condi pulls her hair back into a ponytail (Wheeeee!) to work out.

UPDATE: Wonkette has the video. Hooray! Also, did anybody else see Katie Couric interviewing Barbara Harrison about her Conditastic workout? She was unable to disguise her seething jealousy.

UPDATE: Two more screenshots, and yes, I know these suck: