With Friends Like Ted Stevens, Jerry Falwell Doesn't Need Enemies

Read this article in the LA Times. It's about how the televangelists have suddenly realized that Ted Stevens' nefarious plans for cable TV might not work out so well for their kind after all. Um... it's kinda complicated, so read the article, OK?

Now, what the Times only hints at is this: if cable TV is "overhauled" in a way which requires cable providers to offer channels strictly on an "a la carte" basis, it will spell disaster for the fundamentalist Christian televangelists. The fundies love to claim that they are mainstream, but when people have to specifically choose to receive their nutty programming... well, the statistics will speak for themselves, and it won't be pretty. I mean... which channel will get more subscribers, Cinemax or PTL? Many of the mainstream industries who now and then get distracted or frightened by the fundies (Microsoft, Target, etc.), will be able to blithely brush them off as the freakish, marginal niche group that they truly are.

OK... obviously I'm starting to ramble and daydream... but Ted Stevens couldn't be that smart or that stupid... could he?

Tell Us, Mr. Hadley, Do You Prefer Organza or Tulle?

From USAToday's upcoming profile of National Security Advisor Stephen Hadley:

Question: I've got to ask you this. I've got to put this on the record. And that is you have a 32-inch waist in designer clothes. Yes?
Hadley: Some secrets cannot be disclosed. [laughs]
Question: And American men want to know where you get your clothes, what your favorite designers are. I've sized you up and figure Akris Punto and some Armani and I'm not sure of the others. This is a really significant question for the men of America.
Hadley: I cannot confirm...
Question: Struggling to be...
[laughter]
Hadley: I cannot confirm or deny. [laughs]
Question: Struggling to have a 32-inch waist after the age of -- yes.
Hadley: What age is that? [laughter]
Question: Fifty. I think those of us who are above the age of 50 should be proud of it.

Ridiculous, right? Is it real? Well, no... not exactly. I just changed the pronouns from feminine to masculine and "Secretary Rice" to "Stephen Hadley" (and 'size 6' to '32-inch waist') to expose the idiocy of Barbara Slavin's interview with Condoleezza Rice, as featured in this morning's Reliable Source. And people think I'm shallow.

Read His Lips

That's our leader yesterday, on his way to a fundraiser for one of the few Republicans who will be seen in the same room with him. Mr. Bush insisted that there would be no military pullout from Iraq "without having achieved victory."

Shall I bring out the translators? Here are the Bush Hand Turkeys™ to explain:

Metaphorical Event of the Day

A dentil molding (C, top) from the facade of the Supreme Court is damaged after a piece of the marble detail fell from the building in Washington, D.C., November 28, 2005. The marble chunk, above the allegorical figure representing 'Order,' fell about an hour before the court opened without causing any injuries. REUTERS/Joshua Roberts

A little fun fact missing from the AP (and every other) report has to do with the allegorical figure pictured on the frieze. See that thingy he's holding? The bundled-together-sticks gadget? That's called a fasces:

Pronunciation: 'fas-"Ez
Function: noun plural but singular or plural in construction
Etymology: Latin, from plural of fascis bundle; akin to Latin fascia
: a bundle of rods and among them an ax with projecting blade borne before ancient Roman magistrates as a badge of authority.

And even better for our urban metaphor, it's also the root for the word fascism! Not that this has anything to do with Alito's upcoming confirmation hearings, mind you. No, that would be way too obvious.

Cheerleader

Monday Morning Slow News Weekend Roundup

Well, kinda, anyway. I've been taking lots of time off, and while that gives me more time for blogging, it also makes me less likely to do just that.

So anyway, here's a refreshing take on Condoleezza from Minda News, your #1 source of news on Mindanao. The author starts off with Condi, but then his attention wanders to drag queens and, eventually, Billy Elliot. Clearly my job is being done without me.

Also, if Fox News' Chris Wallace claims Bush never claimed a link between Saddam Hussein and al Queda, does that make it true?

And, finally, the White House gathers up all the TelePrompTers it can find as Bush considers going into the fireside chat industry. How will this be different from the pointless "press conferences" he's been interrupting prime time with? No pesky reporters! EDIT: I also realized that the fireside chat format will enable him to have his most trusted advisor --Barney-- present.

Meanwhile, CNN is Also Thankful

Also, one bit of advice: avoid all TV news programs today, because all you're going to get are reporters standing outside Best Buy marvelling at the number of shoppers. This is the biggest and most advertiser-friendly fake news day of the year! And tomorrow, of course, it will be the newspapers' turn to 'report'.

Giving Thanks for Jean Schmidt

...because, seriously, what would political satirists do without people like Jean Schmidt?

Wicked

Idea supplied by an anonymous commentor. I think I managed to make her look more like one of the flying monkeys, though. More Jean Schmidt later! And notice how I keep using her name? Jean Schmidt? That's to give Google a little goosing.

More tomorrow Friday!

Jean Schmidt is Totally Ready for Her Closeup

This morning I begged for input for the morning's most burning question: what to do with the excellent AP Photo of bonkers Congresslady Jean Schmidt? And once again, the Pony Pals™ have come through with some magnificent contributions. The above image, by Pony Pal™ Karl made me laugh so hard that I almost started liking Jean Schmidt. Almost. And long-time pal Barrump noticed a startling resemblance to a certain Middle Eastern ruler:

Both pics click through to larger images which open in a new window.

On the other hand, some correspondents, like Tim, have ideas maybe too horrific to visualize:

I'd like to see Jean Schmidt locked in the sterile Photoshop langor of a sapphic embrace with Condi, their tongues impudently probing each other's moistly feminine interstices ...

That's just me, of course.

Um... yes, that's just you.

More to come!

Sparkle Pony Interactive: No Man is an Island, but Jean Schmidt Is

I searched and searched this past weekend for good pictures of Jean Schmidt, the loony-tunes Christian wacko Representative from Ohio (do I even need to add that she's a Republican?), but the pickings were slim. Until today, that is. The Washington Post has an article this morning about the dustup, and it's accompanied by a wonderful photo of the demented Mrs. (not Ms.!) Schmidt:

Click for a larger version.

And here, again, is where you come in: how would you like to improve, alter, corrupt or appropriate the above photo? You can do it yourself or, if you are Photoshop-challenged, you can tell me your idea. Send your contributions to peteykinsATgmailDOTcom, and when I get home from work, I'll get crackin' on them.

All that I ask is that you make your contributions as tacky, rude or insulting as possible, because the lack of good images of Mrs. Schmidt on the internet virtually guarantees that these will float to the top of the Google heap.

Don't... Stop... Don't... Stop...

Favorite headline of the day:

From the prayer warriors* at Agape Press. Isn't it fun that Target is catching flack from both the left and the right? Get ready for the whole "war against Christmas" machinery on the far right to spin into high gear right about........ now.

*Designation stolen from Edicts of Nancy.

Mommmm! She's Making That Face Again!

I'm sorry, Pony Pals™, but I'm just not finding much to write about today. I thought you'd be relieved, though, to see that Condi commemorated her return to Washington with another "updo" day, as seen above, so at least we know the Hairdo Alert System™ works.

Gigantic Metaphor Blooms in DC

Locals: Head to the US Botanic Gardens today if you can, because it's probably your last chance to see their "corpse flower" in bloom. I think it's funny that USA Today has their story filed under "Washington/Politics".

Now, metaphorically, it would have been better to depict the flower giving birth to Dick Cheney, but considering Bush's delightful nickname for Karl Rove, "turd blossom", the choice was clear.

But seriously... I've seen one of these monsters, and it really is a disgusting, wonderful experience. People puke at their aromatic majesty! Don't miss it!

Bush's Meeting with Mongolian President Unironically Presided Over by Genghis Khan

With a statue of Genghis Khan behind them, U.S. President George W. Bush, left, meets with Mongolian President Nambaryn Enkhbayar at Government House in Ulan Bator, Mongolia, Monday, Nov. 21, 2005. Mongolia is the last stop of Bush's four-country Asia tour. (AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)

Less scary? More scary?

UPDATE: I just noticed that Pony Pals™ Outside the Tent have also recently featured the Pillsbury doughboy. Something's in the air!

When You're Smiling, the Whole World Isn't Necessarily Smiling with You

The United States has expressed concern to China about reports of a crackdown on dissidents ahead of US President George W. Bush's visit here, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, seen here listening to her president, said(AFP/Paul J.Richards

It was a slow news weekend, wasn't it? There are lots of Condipics available, but most of them are pretty boring. I like the one above, though, because it really shows our heroine's scary devotion to her psychotic boss.

Be Careful Mr. Krauthammer, Your Right Wing Might Fall Off

I'm not always nice to Charles Krauthammer (see above), but his excellent column about so-called "intelligent design" in today's Washington Post is a must read.

In other news, there are hints that Condi's successor as National Security Advisor, Steven Hadley, who I think is reallllllly peculiar, might be Woodward's leak. And, really, there's a pretty small pool to choose from, right?

HUGE Embarrassment for Condi and George in Korea

The President of South Korea, eager to show off his country's technical superiority, openly mocked Bush 'n' Princess Condi yesterday by presenting them with a tiny, yet perfectly-formed Korean version of the Condibot, as dramatically captured in the above photo by AP snapper Charles Dharapak.

OMG I Went Brunette Auburn!

Free Association

So I was reading about John Murtha, the hawkish Democrat who just came out of the closet as one of those pesky, America-hatin' war dissers:

But my attention kept wandering, because I kept thinking that his name was almost --almost, but not quite-- an anagram for Mothra, Godzilla's fluttery nemesis:

I always liked Mothra a lot. Not so much for Mothra itself, but for his fantastic, ultra-stylish little friends, the magically tiny Twin Alilenas:

And everybody loves twins, right? Let's face it: they were placed on this earth to confound and amuse us. Especially talented twins like the Hilton Sisters:

I loved Violet and Daisy in Tod Browning's Freaks, of course, but I'd really love to see Chained for Life, their later, more exploitive feature. The Hilton Sisters' lives would have been better, probably, and certainly more stylish, had they been part of a different branch of the Hilton family:

And, you know, that Kathy Hilton is really a piece of work. Did any of you watch her failed reality show? Whoah, she's a bitch! She seems way worse than Martha Stewart:

Martha Stewart who, of course, just had her own failed reality show to suffer through. Can you imagine what it's like to realize that people think Donald Trump has a better personality than you? Then I got mad at myself for thinking about such banal celebrities, and I thought, dang, they don't make Marthas like they used to:

And then it came to me! Martha is almost --almost, but not quite-- an anagram for Murtha, the hawkish Democrat who just came out of the closet as one of those pesky, America-hatin' war dissers:

OK, wait... where was I?

Oh, yeah... wow, I'm watching him on the News Hour right now, and he's really stirring things up! Money quote: "We're the enemy!"

Why Yes, I Am Implying Dick Cheney is a Fascist

That's our beloved Dick last night at a GOP event with a name that sounds like a parody: the Frontiers of Freedom Institute 2005 Ronald Reagan Gala.

Much better!

What if Rices Condi and Anne Switched Places?

Fark has a great Condicentric Photoshop contest today. My entry is above. Lots of fantastic visions of our heroine!

Is Bill O'Reilly Finally Totally Losing It?

Coming Soon...

Metablogging: What If I Were a NY Daily News Business Reporter?

That's a great question! Well, let's see... I would interview CNBC business reporter Maria Bartiromo, because her hair is so awesome! And I would ask her about clothes 'n' stuff, and if she thinks her co-anchor is hot. Oh, and I would fully remember to ask her about savings and business and stuff, too. And I would have special pictures of her hair, and her hairdresser, too, like this:

And then I'd be all, like, Surprise! It's not me! It's real! It's a real interview in the NY Daily News!

UPDATE: OK, metablogging for reals, who comes out on top when you Google "History of Harriet Miers"? Not the Pink Pony! Alas, third place... but take that, NPR and Bloomberg! In your face!

Bad Signs

Among the debris and distruction in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina two 'Bush Cheney 04' presidential campaign yard signs lie against the wall of a runied home in the Lakefront area of the city Saturday afternoon Nov. 12, 2005. (AP Photos/Stephan Savoia)

You may have missed this wonderful photo from Saturday. I bet the talented Mr. Savoia felt righteously smug for hours after shooting this.

Dear Bill O'Reilly...

Seriously, how cool would that be? I'm going to go stare in the mirror for a while and practice saying, "Why, yes, I'm on Bill O'Reilly's list of enemies, what of it?" But I can't decide whether to perform it in a hands-on-the-hips kinda way, or all giggly-like with a skip and a twirl. Wouldn't you like to be on Bill O'Reilly's list? Email him: oreilly@foxnews.com.

Also, have you heard the one about how Bush is all freaked out and will only talk to his wife, his mother, Harriet Miers and Condi? Whoah, doesn't that sound like fun? I was almost going to call him a "girly man", but then I glanced at my user picture and pseudonym and got all overwhelmed by the irony.

And, yes, Dick Cheney got amusingly heckled today. Again. Watch it here! I'm so happy that Dick is getting so much attention these days. He's so much more fun when his location is disclosed. Also, Cheney might even be more fun to Photoshop than Condi, so stay tuned...

UPDATE: I actually got several emails saying, "OMG, you're showing your real name!" Um... yeah... well, I always kinda figured everyone on the interweb knew how to use "who is" anyway. Plus, well, I work surrounded by armed guards all day long.

OMG, I Missed Condi's Birthday Yesterday!

Luckily, those wacky Israeli journalists didn't forget, and they presented her with a very special birthday card, made to look like the cover of Time Magazine. That must have taken them minutes!

But Condi looks touched, and that's what matters. Happy Birthday, Condi! I think it's safe to say that this blog would barely exist without you.

Condi Partially Achieves Matching Armchairs Goal in Ramallah

I have to admit that I was being a little flippant (it's a glittery pony's perogative) this morning when I implied that Condi had attained one of her important diplomatic goals, one which we've seen her achieve time and time again (and again, and again, etc.). But now, luckily, thanks to Reuters' Omar Rashidi, there's photographic evidence, as may be seen above.

Matching armchairs? Check!
Small, ornamental table? Check!
Lovely but understated flower arrangement? Check!
Affable local? Check!
Flag or flags? Check!
Fireplace? Um, helloooooo? Fireplace?

There's gonna be hell to pay.

Podium Pranks

Palestinian leader Mahmud Abbas listens on as US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice speaks to the press following their meeting in the West Bank city of Ramallah. Abbas said that an Israeli-Palestinian deal on reopening the Gaza-Egypt border was imminent, following talks with Rice.(AFP/Jamal Aruri)

Yeah, OK, fine, but that photo really needs a low, central accent:

A better world through Naugahyde™!

EDIT: Doesn't his pose make it look like Condi just beaned him with a spitball?

Condi Smurfs the Middle East

Condi was just all over the Middle East this past weekend. She was in Saudi Arabia, she was in Bahrain, she was in Jerusalem. Let me tell you, she was behind a lot of podiums and sitting in a lot of matching armchairs! It's a little hard to keep it all straight, especially when the results of her "diplomacy" are likewise a little... hard to fathom. Frankly, I'd like to see her aim a little lower:

Or a little higher, depending on how you look at it.

Finally, the Kind of 2005 Headline I Dreamed About in 1975

Sparkle Pony Interactive: Mighty Late, But What a Date!

This late entry to last week's Condi Photoshop challenge comes from Pony Pal™ supreme and lonnnnng time co-conspirator James Call! Thanks a bunch, James!

Also, have you heard? According to Condi, our strategy is Iraq is totally awesome! Neato, Condi!

And, last but not least, tons of photos of Condi in Bahrain today via Yahoo.

Just Sit Right Back...

Pony Pal™ Ian writes:

I was thinking today about the relationship of our ruler to his subjects, and it struck me that the present White House denizens might reflect the plucky corps on Gilligan's Island. I kind of want to say that Cheney is Skipper and Bush is Gilligan, with Condi as Ginger and Harriet as Maryanne. However, here's where it gets difficult. Should Rove be the Professor, or should he be the Skipper [can't you see him smacking Bush with that captain's hat?] and Cheney Thurston Howell III? Or should the latter be Rumsfeld? Is Karen fuddy enough to be Mrs.Howell? I'm so confused.

Please help.

Welllll... first of all, I would swap Condi and Harriet for Maryanne and Ginger, instead of the other way around, but I would definitely have Cheney and Bush as the Skipper and Gilligan (see above) and Rove as the Professor. Thurston and Lovey? Rumsfeld as the former and Scott McClellan as the latter! Casting issues solved!

UPDATE: