I Got Bored with My Facial Hair, So I Banished It to the 19th Century

Haw, well, I said I was going to make this blog more personal, so why not start things off with a full-on, unflattering face shot? I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm less than comfortable doing so. But there it is: my camera-angle-enhanced big nose for all the world to see.

The facial hair pattern shown above is usually called "friendly muttonchops," the "friendly" part referring to the mustache which bridges the sideburns. I, however, like to think of it as the "ventriloquist dummy." I was a little nervous about sporting this old-fashioned style, but so far the reaction has been very positive/amused from my friends and coworkers. Now all I need is a top hat and spats and more velvet in my wardrobe.

Facial hair is one of my security blankets. The very least I've had over the last twenty years is a soul patch. The idea of being completely bare-faced fills me with dread. I'm glad to be living now during the great renaissance/liberation of facial hair, where pretty much all styles are now acceptable anywhere. Think of the reaction my friendly muttonchops would have gotten in the 80s!

UPDATE: from Uncle Splatty:

Uncle Splatty Has a Theory About Obama's "Unhuman" Calmness

Hey, hey! We haven't heard from Pony Pal Emeritus Uncle Splatty and his fantastical Photoshop stylings for a while, but he just sent me above and, well, how can I resist? Uncle Splatty explains:

Andy Sullivan at the Daily Dish was talking about Obama as though he had a constant supply of Valium pumping through his bloodstream and about his "preternatural calm" this and "preternatural calm" that, and how it scared him. I thought Anne Rice would be forced to reverse her renewed Catholicism and start writing vampire novels again!

Ew, nobody wants that, Uncle Splatty! I had to grow an extra tail so that you could have two combable tails way up!

Not Afraid to be Servicey

We haven't heard from Pony Pal™ Uncle Splatty in a while, but he's back with the above sign, provided as a public service to lighten the load of overworked public restroom sign manufacturers coast to coast. So the next time you come to the uncomfortable realization that your local bog is, in fact, a public sexytime bog filled with unsavory senators, simply print out Uncle Splatty's handiwork and let the world know. Yay!

Uncle Splatty Checks In, Populates Our Nightmares

We haven't heard from Pony Pal™ Senior Fellow Uncle Splatty for some time, but now he's come roaring back with a simple bit of image manipulation which I know will be invading my dreams for weeks to come. Uncle Splatty comments:

Does Condi seem....Oh, I don't know, a bit more stressed lately? Maybe it's that new Woodward book? Or is her new hair style yanking her scalp too much?

Oh dear. Strangely, though, I find myself during this moment of crisis missing her old flip hairdo. Let's bring back the flip:

You're welcome.

UPDATE! Another option:

Uncle Splatty Drops By

It's always fun when Pony Pal Senior Fellow™ Uncle Splatty comes around to share his take on the Pink Pony. Above (click for bigger!) he reveals the eye-rollin' Italian Foreign Minister's early Hollywood career. Who knew? And below, strangely, our operative came across one of the more uncomfortable scenes in Al Qaeda's upper ranks:

Splatty explains:

I think Zowie may have been having second thoughts about Zarqie long
before the U.S. military cleaned his clock.

Indeed!

Condishop Roundup: Building a Better Photo-Op

Click for bigger, fabulouser!

Photoshoppers the world over discover one salient truth: there is no better subject than Princess Ferragamo! First up, please be astonished by the above unholy conflation of Condi 'n' Jon Stewart provided by talented image-hacker and Pony Pal™ greyjello.* What kind of show would such a chimaera host? And would s/he have fared better at the Oscars?

Next up, I think Pony Pal™ Senior Fellow Uncle Splatty got a little impatient with last week's relentless extravaganza of matching armchair photo-ops, so he came up with a way to make an even more meaningful statement with the set-up:

Oh dear... now that's an interesting message.

*A side note: kids, please capitalize your interweb names.

Condishop Roundup

I love Pony Pals™ who send lovingly Photoshopped visions of our Princess-in-Chief. The above image of Condi behind the wheel of Steven King's Christine comes courtesy of formiddable image mangler Barrump. Have a near-beer on me, Froggy!

And next up, Uncle Splatty offers a dual-purpose image, one which not only shows our heroine displaying her patriotism in a way John McCain never would, as displayed in my post last night, but also offers an example of the fabled, longed-for "Severe" Hairdo Alert™ level. Whoah:

Uncle Splatty explains:

And who can beat Condi in the carefully staged, micro-managed world of symbol politics? No one! She has bested the lapel wearing crowd by a country mile, and check out those dreads, too. Support Our Troops, indeed!

Awesome, Uncle Splatty 'n' Barrump!

Carnivàle!

Courtesy Pony Pal™ Senior Fellow Uncle Splatty!

And Now... A Few Words About Jo Ann Emerson

An office corral mate of mine rode the Pink Pony today and said, "Wow, you're really tearing into that lady!" And that made me get all reflective. Am I being too mean to the distinguished Representative from the great state of Missouri (as re-imagined above (click for bigger!) by Pony Pal™ Senior Fellow Uncle Splatty)? Am I a bad pony? Gosh, what did Jo Ann Emerson ever do to me? Is it going too far to publish such obviously churlish pictures like this one, sent in by Krimpet:

Be sure to click to see the larger version!

And then I snapped out of it, because Jo Ann Emerson epitomizes the absolute worst of the Republican Party. She was a lobbyist, and then married a Congressman, and then became a Congressman when he died, and then remarried... a lobbyist! She's an anti-hairdresser bigot, she's against a woman's right to choose how to handle certain medical decisions (kids, ask your parents), she hypocritically embraces the Christian fundamentalists even as she attends ridiculous new-agey "love seminars" in Santa Barbara... do I really have to go on? She's a Bush-toadyin', phony-baloney glad-handler with a devil-may-care conservative agenda who only once --once!-- bucked the Republican machine by timidly mumbling her support for stem cell research. This blatantly awful woman is riding high on a wave of misery, idiocy and madness. Fuck her. Oops! I mean LOVE HER LOVE HER LOVE HER!!

OMG, if you want to see the scariest thing you've ever seen in your whole entire life, courtesy Pony Pal™ z7q2, click the picture below:

Condi Tyler Moore

We haven't heard from Pony Pal Senior Fellow™ Uncle Splatty lately, so I was thrilled to receive his picture, shown above, which was inspired by yesterday's Mary Tyler Moore reference. Click for bigger and hilariouser!

Condi's Invisible Friend Identified

Pony Pal™ deluxe Uncle Splatty has identified Condoleezza's invisible pal, shown above, the one which aroused so much speculation last week.

And, you know, I shouldn't be surprised. But I was so sure it was a pangolin.

Sparkle Pony Interactive: All This and Butterstick, Too!

Pony Pal™ Ian points out that Condi needs to appear cuddlier, and what could be cuddlier than adorable Butterstick the baby panda? An excellent suggestion!

Uncle Splatty has a more apocalyptic take:

"She chose poorly," he helpfully explains.

More to come!

UPDATE: Oops, I overslept this morning (Wednesday), so I'll have more this afternoon! Yay for oversleeping!

Dick Tracy meets Mary Kay

Breaking my promise of no more Miers posts already? Well, Pony Pal™ Uncle Splatty sent me the above picture last night, so what am I supposed to do? Ignore it? I don't think so.

Separated at Birth?

It's a Pony's perogative to change her mind, so I'm backtracking just a pinch on my "no more Cindy Sheehan on this blog" stand, because I received this heartfelt appeal from Pony Pal Uncle Splatty:

No more Cindy? But, Is it just me, or is this a Photoshop opportunity?

And he provides this startling comparison:

Oh, Uncle Splatty, Photoshop opportunity? I'm imagining such vast conspiracies right now that I can hardly hold on to my mouse!

Extremer and Extremer

Like Uncle Splatty earlier today, Pony Pal™ The Invisible Kid just had to provide another example* of what would trigger an "Extreme" Condoleeza Hairdo Alert System™... um... alert:

*With just a little intervention from yours truly. Please don't be offended, TIK, but that shit was just freaking me out.

This is Only a Simulation

Since my Condoleezza Hairdo Alert System™ has gotten so much attention this past week, I've heard several people contemplate the "Severe" level, and what it might look like. Well, thanks to Pony Pal™ Uncle Splatty, we've got a simulation:

Click on the picture for a significantly larger version. Thanks, Uncle Splatty!

The Bad Seed Revisited

Pony Pal™ Uncle Splatty has managed to combine so many Sparkle Pony-centric concepts in this disturbing image that it almost made me dizzy:

Condoleezza as Patty McCormack in The Bad Seed has been seen previously here, but I love the Nauga t-shirt. Plus, those sticks of butter are approximately the same size and weight as a baby panda! Yay!

What Would Tom Do?

I don't know if it's because there isn't much going on, or if it's because there's a dizzying overabundance of things going on, but I'm having trouble coming up with ideas for things to Photoshop at the moment. Feel free to shout out requests!

In the meantime, here's Pony Pal™ extraordinaire Uncle Splatty, filling the gap not once, but twice, with what else but Tom Cruise!

I Apologize in Advance for the Nightmares

Regular contributer and Pony Pal™ Uncle Splatty emailed me this vision of pure horror the other day:

I was a little reluctant to post it because... well, because it gave me intensely bad dreams. Uncle Splatty explains:

Condi is ready to Iraq your world and soothe the troubled dispositions of America's trembling coalition partners (including Poland) on a moment's notice! She comes with big green, multi-ethnic rotating eyes, which pop out quickly for convenient cleaning, gravity sensitive eyelids which open and close when she is turned upsidedown for some I see you fun, plus push technology® flip curls which can be expanded and contracted to reflect the changing needs of her chamelion-like horror hair by simply pulling a lever in her anatomically accurate spine. Finally, Condi proudly sports the Peteykins Carry All Socket Purse®, which contains all the exciting paraphernalia of a busy, on-the-go, cabinet level professional. Lipstick, blusher, eyeliner pencil, Phi Beta Kappa key, shellac, mace, re-chargeable taser, bobby pins, breath mints, two Everlast Condoms® and the top secret codes for launching the Presidential Nuclear "Football" in the event of a major and ill-timed pretzel incident.

And in case you're wondering what's up with the purse, it's Splatty's tribute to this picture I did last week for Fark.

What's funny, though, is that there really is a Condi doll, as I previously reported. Mine just came in the mail a few days ago, and I'm more than satisfied. And thank goodness it doesn't look like Uncle Splatty's possessed demonoid. I'll try to take some action shots of my new-most-treasured toy this weekend.

Splatstravaganza!

I've been a little under the weather for the last few days; some kind of glitter-borne virus, I suspect. Luckily, Pony Pal™ Uncle Splatty has stepped in to fill the gap. Take it away, Splatty!

Finally...A hairstyle a dye job and a thong I can live with! I realize the editorial policy at the Pony may frown on this kind of...em....exuberance, but I had fun letting Miss Rice's hair down and wanted to share this beautiful moment with you quietly...

Splatty continues:

Who knows? This may give our Lady of Perpetual National Security a new lease on life and a bounce in her step. Like that guy in the Enzyte commercials. :0) One can always hope. And yes, sweetheart, you DO look good.

And last, but not least, Mon Oncle Californien concludes:

And, while Dick is hot with Condi, it's nice to know that Kerry is blowing something too!