Wednesday, December 21, 2011

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Callistapalooza

It's a shame that Newt has apparently already crested, as the nation says in one voice, "Oh, right, that guy. Now I remember why I hate that guy." The happiest side-effect of the Newtstravaganza was that a lot of people got all excited about Goddess Callista. A lot of people! I'd say that right now, about 80% of this blog's traffic is Callista-driven (the other 20% is interested mostly in inappropriately sexy children's toys and Angela Merkel porn). There's even an anti-Newt website run by conservatives (is that you, Sparkle Pony blogcrush Jennifer Rubin?) which links approvingly to PSP's coverage of Ms. Gingrich's crazy eyeballs.

Callista Gingrich superstar! I think Pony Pal™ Blue Gal is homing in on a great idea here: Callista biopic! They could get Charlize Theron with a prosthetic nose to star! Elsewhere, intrepid reporter Holly Allen at Slate wondered what it would be like to become Callista, but wasn't quite intrepid enough to pull it off –seriously, she didn't even come close– leading one to wonder why she bothered.

And what's-her-name McCain! The very nerve! "I'm sorry, but I don't find this woman terribly appealing," she blasphemed, proving that she is completely unfamiliar with all concepts of beauty and superior hairdo appreciation. And you'd think Meghan would know! She's the daughter of one of the galaxy's supreme beings (Cindy, not John, duh)!

Meghan, is that any way to treat the lady who bestowed this stirring and in no way robotic video Christmas card upon the world?

Speaking of blasphemers, PSP girlfriend Jennifer Rubin also hopped on the Callista train, calling her "Newt's enabler." I'll say! She enables him to be ten times more fabulous! You'll be surprised to hear that's not how Jen sees it:

Now let’s take a look at Callista. There was that interview when she begged for Marianne’s forgiveness. There was the one when she expressed remorse for having broken up a marriage. Oh, wait. She’s not done any of that.


How would she feel if another woman had an affair with Gingrich? And by the way, how did she manage to ring up six figures in Tiffany charges?

MeOUCH! But Jen was mostly just reacting to Kathleen Parker's thing about how Callista shouldn't tweet or something. Whatever.

And finally, the Huffington Thing has a "Callista through the years" slide show which they could have put a lot more work into; it's just pictures with no commentary. It's fascinating, though, because it's in chronological order, so you can see lumpy 2000 caterpillar Cally morph majestically into the gorgeous, brittle butterfly she is today, but it's frustrating because you wish they had started in the 90s and there's a lazy, abrupt jump from 2000 to 2007 (or perhaps that's when she was in her chrysalis?).

Sadly, this may be the crest of Callista Media Saturation, unless an unforeseen dramatic change happens in the Republican primaries, so let's hope Mitt Romney and Ron Paul get caught gay marrying each other at an Occupy Wall Street protest or harboring Mexican Al Queda jihadists in their basements, and then Newt 'n' Callista can have another chance (but only then, I'm afraid).


Matthew Hubbard said...

Peteykins, I follow the numbers and I have good news for you. Newt is tanking in Iowa and New Hampshire, but he is still shining bright in the next contests, late January primaries in South Carolina and Florida. Back in 2000 when John McCain actually was a maverick, it was South Carolina that saved GW Bush's bacon, so you might see yet another re-birth of Newt's chances.

Of course, he has a month to keep running his mouth and his opponents will likely have enough money to flood the airwaves in those states the way they have in Iowa, so it's not a done deal yet.

Glennis said...

I like the commenter who quotes Rubin and answers her:

Now let’s take a look at Callista. "

Let's not. We might be turned into stone

Rosa S. Levi said...

Sometimes she is sanpaku. In "spinning Callista heads" she is sanpaku. You'll recall that we once had a president who was sanpaku, and that did not go well at all. Maybe she should eat more brown rice.

(I know this is a "scoop" but I couldn't restrain myself!)

Anonymous said...

Oh my, the first few photos in that HuffPo retrospective left me dumbfounded. That nose She had an expressive face, circa 2007! I know those unfortunate puffy bangs were in ca. 2000, but they looked super-unfortunate dangling over her face.

theheadland said...

Just because Newt can't win doesnt mean Callista doesnt have a lot of books still to sell. They'll keep going for as long as there is a space for a table to peddle their products.
I can't wait for the next book about how the nomination was stolen from Newt and how much poorer the US is without first lady Callista.

TexasYankee said...

Wow that video Christmas card damaged me: Her voice, and I have been pronouncing Callista incorrectly! "Call-ee-stah" My bad! I'm sorry!

Must go repent now.

Rod N OH said...'s early...haven't had any caffeine yet...was reading through this latest post and from the periphery of my own R.E.M., i SWEAR i saw the great and wonderful Callista wink at me...

What? Surely this was just an illusion of some own brain working against me at such an early hour...

I focused my attention on those beady, sky-blue eyes and...*blink*...


poon said...

Worse yet, she is often yang sanpaku. Veddy, veddy bad (or so says Wikipedia).

Lulu Maude said...

What a Callista treasure trove this post is! Hours (okay, seconds) of fun follow-the-links time.

A veritable theme park.

C's hairdo does seem poised to carry the southern states, even if Newt can't.

The Cat's Meow said...

I think we've learned our lesson from Sarah Palin, that supremely annoying Republicans never go away. Therefore, I have high hopes that Callista will be with us forever. (And yes, HuffPo only did a half-assed job on the slide show, but that's HuffPo for you.) Meanwhile, on the biopic front, it's dawned on me that Nicole Kidman won an Oscar in a part with a prosthetic nose.

samael7 said...

Wow! The Hairetrospective is awesome! 2007 is apparently when she decided to go Full Metal Plantinum, but she kept some natural wave and body. She also started shopping at Stepford Circus or wherever it is they sell the dresses that match the twinset and pearls.

One might wonder what pushed her over the "event horizon" of hairdressing. By Jan 2010 we have the Orb of Callista started; by Dec 2010, perfected.

One wonders, what was her muse? Did she gaze upon the moon and take inspiration from her near-namesake's patron, Artemis? Did she aspire, simply, to some non-Euclidean perfecton or music of the spheres?

Or did she just happen to catch sight of her husband's naked ass while bent over, and, like the urban legends of the terrified, bear that stigmata forever on her pate?

Ah, Callista, my enigma!

Peteykins said...

Wow, that's some fancy rhetoric, Samael! Callista brings inspires the best in everybody!

Matthew Hubbard said...

Westnorth makes the call that in late 2007 she looked like a person and in December 2008, the face has gone completely Stepford. What happened in the meantime? Well, a Kenyan Islamofascist usurper was illegally elected. It might just be coincidence.

As to who should play her in the biopic, too many people are choosing actresses that are about her age. If we go with an actress who age is appropriate to the way Callista looks, Glenn Close would be an excellent choice. No prosthetics necessary, just hours every day getting the hair right.