Thursday, January 26, 2012

Important Callista Gingrich Hairdo Status Report

(See below for full picture and caption)

Ooooooh, Honey, you have got to get those roots done! Where is the mobile hairdo command center? The shape is perfect, firm and sharp, I'll grant you that, but those roots absolutely must be whipped into submission. That die job must be 1 1/2 weeks old!

Because I'm telling you, My Queen (sorry, I've been watching Game of Thrones. So good!), your hair is getting a LOT of attention right now. I recently wrote about traffic to this humble Callista fan site spiking dramatically in part because of your mighty coiffure. Well, let me tell you that today this trend swelled even more alarmingly, generating more than four times my normal page views, due entirely to massive amounts of hits from Yahoo, all because people specifically want to view your incredible platinum orb.

So anyway, Queen of All Whom She Orbits, I'm just saying that hairdo maintenance is critical right now. If you don't do it for yourself, at least do it for the Pony Pals™.

Republican presidential candidate, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, accompanied by his wife Callista, waits to speak at a Tea Party Rally, Thursday, Jan. 26, 2012, in Mount Dora, Fla. (AP Photo/Matt Rourke)


dinthebeast said...

Yeah, it was a trending topic on Yahoo this morning. I thought of you and clicked through to see what was up, but didn't find anything interesting. Somehow Callista's hair is only interesting to me when you put it on your blog, and I didn't find any links to here before I got bored and wandered off.

-Doug in Oakland

MrsTarquinBiscuitbarrel said...

Anybody else living in a college dorm in the mid-'70s, defenseless against John Denver bleating from other people's stereos?

(Not having a phonograph myself, I couldn't retaliate with the 1812 Overture, or Pink Floyd's chiming clocks from "Dark Side of the Moon"...)

Anyway, every single mention of Callista has triggered the brain virus of Denver's "Calypso." New lyrics, anyone?

smapdi said...

Callistescent light is the light given off by Callista Gingrich under the right atmospheric conditions. It is most easily observed in the south-eastern United States from Virginia to Florida during early primary season.

Rosa S. Levi said...

Matt Rourke FTW!! That is an awesome tin eagle!

Sharkbabe said...

Adoring the headline. Why do headlines like this make me feel so happy that life is almost worth living?

Anyway, it's not Callista but Newt who moves me today. Specifically, his corpulence. Dude is actually going for America's Hollywood Leading Man with that bod. I'm not sizeist in the least, but damn he just reeks of 1% excess and gluttony and high-end steakhouses and tax writeoffs.

Matty Boy said...

Newt's size and Callista's roots are both made more obvious by camera shots from below. Camera people must be banned from the low shots! Both Newt and Callista look better when shot from above, preferably satellite photos.

p.s. Whenever you talk about Callista's roots, I remember that poor journalist who got the platinum treatment but not the hair helmet from her very hairdresser-y Latin hairdresser. When she complained about the pain, he reminded her, "Beauty tingles!"

Anonymous said...

Where is the Callista Gingrich hairdo alert warning system? Surely she's more worthy than the long-forgotten Bill Richardson.

samael7 said...

"Beauty tingles" only gets more right over time.

Poor Cally-Lou. It's hard being on the road. You have to take care of yourself! And your hair!

I wonder if the Mobile Hairdo Command Unit has a limited range. Like, it must have to stop pretty often for taking on dye payloads and refuelling.

Newt should promte this research for NASA in his stump speeches.

adele said...

Dear Calista has not had one hair on her head move in the last month. There should be some kind of an award for that.

justgloria said...

To MrsTarquinBiscuitbarrel.

"Callista" to the tune of Denver's "Calypso."

To shop at Tiffanys when you get the notion.
to ride on the chest of a wild raging Newt
To marry a cheater despite your misgivings
For sins as Newt’s mistress you seek to atone
No hair is in movement, your skin it is glowing
A Tiffany card you proudly command

Bye Calista, He’ll get rid of you too!
For another he’ll lust -
A fool could foretell
Bye Calista, more affairs he'll commit
The looks that have served you have long said farewell.

Hi dee ay-ee ooo doo-dle oh
oo do do do do do doo-dle ay yee
doo-dle ay ee

MarkC said...

I demand we plan for the probable post-Newt decrease in Callista news and photos!

Once the RNC, the Boehners and the rest of the GOP establishment have deep-sixed the "Gorger from Georger," we stand to lose our daily media fix of Callista. What would life be like? Let me rephrase: would life even continue?

We need a plan! Maybe we can give her a series of awards that she will need to accept publicly -- we can take turns, one per week? I'll start developing copy for the first annual Ripley's award for best Wax Figures Come To Life.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

This is AmirAka, where newts are entitled to an inflatable fuck friend with Roots.

Anonymous said...

So she dyes her roots dark. So What? Lots of women in trailer parks all across America do that! What's the big deal?