Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Condi Veep Rumor Sideshow Tent Explodes

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice meets with Chile's Minister of Defense Jose Goni, left, at the State Department in Washington, Tuesday, April 8, 2008. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)

OK, so this thing has gotten totally out of control. Fun! But please, let me toss my sparkley, combable mane impertinently and state for the record that as one of the nation's leading experts on Condoleezza Rice's hairdo and sunglasses, I can absolutely assure you that America's Princess Diplomat will NOT be McCain's running mate, did not appear at Grover Norquist's little confab to angle for the job, and will never run for public office of any sort. There!

Look, I know it's painful, especially to journalists, but there you have it. Do you want a roundup? OK:

  • Are you a stringer for a news agency who wants nothing more than to have a glamorous new player on the field? Simply take Condi's explicit denials and surround them with wistful phrases like "without closing the door". Honey, she slammed the door shut yesterday.
  • I love you, Mary Ann Akers, but your latest column in the Washington Post cracks me up. Ms. Akers went directly to Tax Bear Grover Norquist himself to get his opinion on Condi. Turns out he loves her and thinks she'd be a great veep! Or president! And Condi's explicit, unequivocal denials? Oh, they're there... buried wayyy down near the bottom of the story. A closer inspection of Norquist's description of Condi's stunt appearance at his group indicates a very shallow, casual encounter in which Dr. Ferragamo was thanked by a female neocon for bringing back black boots, and never even brought up economic issues. If Condi wanted to sell herself to Americans for Tax Reform, don't you think she'd talk about, you know, taxes 'n' such?
  • Reuters gets the prize for the most tortured language employed to soft-pedal Condi's denials: "U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice left slightly open the chance on Tuesday that she might be interested in running as vice president on Republican White House contender John McCain's ticket." After all, nothing could be more conclusive than the word "might" modified by the word "slightly".
  • Washington Note's Steve Clemons must be pissed! After all, Mr. Clemons got the rumor ball rolling by being the first to speculate that Condi's command performance for Norquist "proved" she was going for the veep slot, but then everybody gives the credit to Dan Senor for repeating the rumors on George Stephanopoulos' teevee show. Actually, maybe Mr. Clemons is relieved? After all, he commented right here on PSP that he got "a bit excited." He's probably happy now to let Senor take the "credit" for making the rumors explode.

Will the speculation stop now? Oh, please. You know better than that.


Anonymous said...

This calls for some Condi haiku!

Condoleezza Rice
Can't be second banana
Randy Bean, get it?

Condi Rice wants it
But she can't have it, baby
She's a Lebanese

Incompetent Rice
Fucked up on nine-eleven
Fucked up in Iraq

Doc. Ferragamo
Please go back to Stanford U.
Doctor made us sick

Matthew Hubbard said...

McCain is a Big Business Republican, but he doesn't have the support of the Big Church Republicans. The last thing he needs is a Big Closet Republican on the ticket.

Also, seeing her awkward photo ops with Don Cheadle and Kristi Yamaguchi, I don't think Condi has much talent for kissing hands and shaking babies.

Peteykins said...

Those are inspired! Wait, let me try one:

We love your black boots
McCain and Rice? Mighty nice!
When Hades freezes

Anonymous said...

New York Times, Dowd column:

"A confused Chuck Hagel asked the pair: 'So, where�s the surge? What are we doing? I don�t see Secretary Rice doing any Kissinger-esque flying around. Where is the diplomatic surge? ... So, where is the surge? What are you talking about?'

Condi is too busy floating trial balloons about being John McCain�s running mate to bother about the fact that she was instrumental in two historic blunders: 9/11 and Iraq."

Diane Griffin said...

One Manoloed step
Down an evil shadow path
To Condiveepland!

The world is waiting
breath bated, eyes screwed tight shut
For this not to be.

Still, we can assume
Condi on McCain's Ticket
Means he won't be Prez

Anonymous said...

b-b-b-ut if she was slightly maybe thinkin about it, and did, then you could have your website like FOREVER, psp! like, don't lay your eggs all in one handbasket to hell, to mix metafaws!

Mistress Cynica said...

She can't be VP; she has to return to Stanford and help John Yoo get their graduate program in torture up and running.

Anonymous said...

While Nero fiddled,
Rome burned. With the world aflame,
Condoleeza smiles.

Matthew Hubbard said...

cynica: Yoo is at Cal. They ain't hooking up. Think oil and water. Cats and dogs. Shias and Sunnis.

Anonymous said...

There's a difference between Shia's and Sunni's? Heaven forbid!

Anonymous said...

Methinks the PSP doth protest too much.

An upside down world
Where yin and yang collide
Condi is Ghandi

Anonymous said...

Hmm. Okay, here are more:

For Condi to run
She must first visit dentist
Close that picket fence

Yay! Condi wins VEEP
Holds her reception at the
Very gay Be Bar

It's okay, Condi
You can uncross your legs now
Show us your big shlong

Condi wins, then sez
You think old Dick was a dick?
Ha! Check this one out!!

Condi's run for Veep
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