Condi Veep Rumor Sideshow Tent Explodes

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice meets with Chile's Minister of Defense Jose Goni, left, at the State Department in Washington, Tuesday, April 8, 2008. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)

OK, so this thing has gotten totally out of control. Fun! But please, let me toss my sparkley, combable mane impertinently and state for the record that as one of the nation's leading experts on Condoleezza Rice's hairdo and sunglasses, I can absolutely assure you that America's Princess Diplomat will NOT be McCain's running mate, did not appear at Grover Norquist's little confab to angle for the job, and will never run for public office of any sort. There!

Look, I know it's painful, especially to journalists, but there you have it. Do you want a roundup? OK:

• Are you a stringer for a news agency who wants nothing more than to have a glamorous new player on the field? Simply take Condi's explicit denials and surround them with wistful phrases like "without closing the door". Honey, she slammed the door shut yesterday.
  
• I love you, Mary Ann Akers, but your latest column in the Washington Post cracks me up. Ms. Akers went directly to Tax Bear Grover Norquist himself to get his opinion on Condi. Turns out he loves her and thinks she'd be a great veep! Or president! And Condi's explicit, unequivocal denials? Oh, they're there... buried wayyy down near the bottom of the story. A closer inspection of Norquist's description of Condi's stunt appearance at his group indicates a very shallow, casual encounter in which Dr. Ferragamo was thanked by a female neocon for bringing back black boots, and never even brought up economic issues. If Condi wanted to sell herself to Americans for Tax Reform, don't you think she'd talk about, you know, taxes 'n' such?
  
• Reuters gets the prize for the most tortured language employed to soft-pedal Condi's denials: "U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice left slightly open the chance on Tuesday that she might be interested in running as vice president on Republican White House contender John McCain's ticket." After all, nothing could be more conclusive than the word "might" modified by the word "slightly".
• Washington Note's Steve Clemons must be pissed! After all, Mr. Clemons got the rumor ball rolling by being the first to speculate that Condi's command performance for Norquist "proved" she was going for the veep slot, but then everybody gives the credit to Dan Senor for repeating the rumors on George Stephanopoulos' teevee show. Actually, maybe Mr. Clemons is relieved? After all, he commented right here on PSP that he got "a bit excited." He's probably happy now to let Senor take the "credit" for making the rumors explode.
  

Will the speculation stop now? Oh, please. You know better than that.

Condi Veep Rumors Never Really Die; They Get Reborn with Down Syndrome

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, center, and National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley, right, listen to President Bush, left, during their meeting with Iraq Coalition at the United Nations, Tuesday, Sept. 23, 2008, in New York. (AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

OK, first of all, take a few minutes to contemplate the above photo, stunning in its horribleness, and easily the worst shot of Klingon Condi we've seen in some time. Done? Let's move along.

Next! Proof that Condi really, really isn't paying attention to the news: she hilariously repeated John McCain's idiotic "the fundamentals of the US economy are strong" line, and even incorrectly attributed the statement to Bush. LOL. Try to keep up, Condi, won't you?

But here's the biggie, the one I have to write about RIGHT NOW so that people will stop emailing it to me: some guy named Ian Halperin** has posted an absolutely absurd article (posted also at Pageoneq) in which an anonymous "mid level member of the Republican National Committee" claims that Condi was, in fact, going to be McCain's running mate until they got nervous about the lezbo rumors and settled on Sarah "Dumb as a Rock" Palin instead.

This article was obviously written by somebody with no knowledge of how the Condi veep rumors started in the first place, or when they died:

“Once Obama selected Biden instead of Hillary,” said the source, ” they had this theory that Condi was the perfect candidate to put up against him. She’s tough, conservative and a hawk, not to mention a football fanatic, which would be more than enough for white men. They never expected traditionally Democratic Blacks and women to vote for her in large numbers, but argued that if she could just sway 5-10% of Blacks and 10% of women to defect, it could be enough to tilt the election towards McCain in a number of crucial swing states. At this point, Palin still wasn’t on anybody’s radar screen.”

The problem with this scenario is that by the time Obama picked Biden as a running mate, the Condi Veep Rumor Machine was already ancient history. You can read my chronicles of the rumors, including the exact moment they started and how they died, here and here at Wonkette (and here, um, here) if you need a refresher course. Basically, she was totally, unequivocally out of the picture months and months before Obama picked Biden. Furthermore, the McCain campaign appears to have never seriously considered Condi as a veep choice* in the first place, because they knew she just wasn't into running for public office, as she has said over and over to whomever would listen.

And beyond that, the article just goes over the same tired old Randy Bean stuff. The end.

But anyway, wow, terrible photo, huh?

*There's a good chance that speculation over Condi's sexuality (ew!) is part of the reason why she was never seriously considered by McCain, but that's not what the article claims.

UPDATE: LOL, Mr. Halperin posted an update saying that Dan Senor had "confirmed" that Condi had veep aspirations. Remember that Dan Senor stuff? He's the one who repeated Steve Clemons' "Condi met with Grover Norquist" on Good Morning America and got the whole Condi Veep Rumor Machine started. Here's how it happened.

**I read up on Ian Halperin, and it's obvious that he's a bit of a scoop-crazy attention seeker. I think he believes that this is a major scoop, but he's obviously out of his element with this effortlessly debunked muddle.

More Amusing Condi/McCain Hand-Wringing

South Korean Foreign Minister Yu Myung-Hwan, left, and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice take part in a joint press availability, Wednesday, March 26, 2008, at the State Department in Washington. (AP Photo/Lawrence Jackson)

Wheee! So Condi went to talk to anti-tax bear Grover Norquist's little club today, and, oh, my! The Washington Note just fell into absolute spasms of overthinking and speculation and hypothesizing (two stories!) about what it all means.

BREAKING, they holler, Condi Rice Flirts With VP Possibility -- Speaks to Grover Norquist's Wednesday Group Meeting. OMG! And then they proceed to report... nothing of the sort. And then the whole thing devolves into that same article we've read a million times about rumors of Condi running for office. And like all these stories, there are explicit denials from the Princess Diplomat herself.

Oh, Washington Note, you're cute when you get excited.

UPDATE: In the comments, Washington Note's Steve Clemons responds to pink glittery critic!