Thursday, June 19, 2014

Condi Unveiled

(Getty Images. Click for bigger.)

Yesterday at the State Department, John Kerry unveiled the official portrait of Condoleezza Rice! I completely forgot this day was coming! After all, I covered the supremely awkward event when Condi unveiled Maddy's portrait back in 2008. I can't even imagine how uncomfortable this latest unveiling must have been, given that it came right on the heels of Dick Cheney's insane editorial in the Wall Street Journal about Iraq.

It's frustrating that the DoS didn't release proper photographs of the painting so that I could rip it apart more efficiently. Look, I never expect these things to be great, but compared to this, the Maddy portrait looks like a masterpiece. This one... is terrible. Really awful: a gigantic head perched upon a tiny body in front of a totally uninspired background. It is neither good enough to be good, or bad enough to be good.

The only great thing about the painting is that the artist chose to show America's Princess Diplomat in red, which recalls Condi's deep thoughts on this subject:

QUESTION: What is your favorite color?

SECRETARY RICE: Oh, well, that’s interesting. I love navy blue. I love navy blue. But when I want to feel really on top of things, I wear red. (Laughter.) I wear red because my mother told me once – and this is the thing with age again – when I was younger, I liked to wear pretty muted colors. And my mother said, “When you get to be 35, all of a sudden you’re going to want to wear red.” I had no idea what she meant, but she was right. So when I want to feel really on top of things, I wear red.

It also brings to mind Dr. Ferragamo's infamous "Red Dress of Grievances," the ghastly scarlet couture gown which made Great Britain sit up and hate Condi.

Also, why did the artist stick Condi in a corner? Was she bad? Yes, she was very, VERY bad.

It's a shame they couldn't have just borrowed the Museum of Modern Art's outstanding Condiportrait by Luc Tuymans:

Or they could have saved a bundle by purchasing this stirring black velvet Condi which, honestly, is no worse than the official portrait:

Or perhaps they could have hunted down my all-time favorite Condiart, the adorable Scorpion Condi made by a talented yet mean-spirited Jordanian cartoonist:

Or "Devil Condi" by a similarly cruel Lebanese illustrator:

Noma Bar's drawing of her from the New York Times:

Why does it have to be a painting? How about this marvelous sculptural Condi from the Arab Shoe Art Renaissance:

Or even Code Pink's insane Disneyland Greeter Condi::

But who am I kidding? They totally should have commissioned me to do a giant-sized version of my Kiss Condi:

UPDATE: Why didn't they have George Bush paint it? That could have been GREAT.


The PriUS said...

If Blogger had one of those "likey" icons to click, I'm sure I'd go for the Condi-Kiss image.

choff said...

Your Condi-Kiss art is simply superior to everything else Condi-related.

Michael Strickland said...

Seriously brilliant portrait wrap-up. Thanks.

Muscato said...

If I didn't know better, I think that canny artist simply repurposed an old portrait of Nancy Reagan that happened to by lying around his studio. Truly a eighth-rate work, appropriate to honor an anything but first-rate legacy...

The Cat's Meow said...

But does it make her look 40 pounds thinner the way Maureen McDonnell's portrait does?

OMG, having Smirky paint her... what a perfect suggestion. Why don't you work at the State Department?

Karl said...

Wow, so much great Condi-art here. And all of it is better than that official portrait, which makes her look like an ugly, dark-skinned Jodie Foster.

Anonymous said...

When will you curate an exhibit of KondiArt? Would not the National Gallery be the perfect venue?

Anonymous said...

Is Kerry shaking the portrait's hand?

samael7 said...

What a wonderful Tour de Condi. So many memories! I think I'm still partial to Scorpion-Condi. It's the meanest of all, I think.

As dreadful as the new portrait is, I can't help but wonder if they used the CondiBot for posing. It would explain a lot. Not how bad the picture is, mind you.

(That Tuymans one is really good, isn't it)

Fearsome Beard said...

Yes yes yes!
Condi from behind in a shower with her face appearing in a mirror!

GregG said...

Ha! Was scrolling too quickly and I thought for a moment that someone had ordered guards to throw a cover over that picture of Condi -- too disturbing for the children. Now can't unsee it.