Condi Unveiled

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Yesterday at the State Department, John Kerry unveiled the official portrait of Condoleezza Rice! I completely forgot this day was coming! After all, I covered the supremely awkward event when Condi unveiled Maddy's portrait back in 2008. I can't even imagine how uncomfortable this latest unveiling must have been, given that it came right on the heels of Dick Cheney's insane editorial in the Wall Street Journal about Iraq.

It's frustrating that the DoS didn't release proper photographs of the painting so that I could rip it apart more efficiently. Look, I never expect these things to be great, but compared to this, the Maddy portrait looks like a masterpiece. This one... is terrible. Really awful: a gigantic head perched upon a tiny body in front of a totally uninspired background. It is neither good enough to be good, or bad enough to be good.

The only great thing about the painting is that the artist chose to show America's Princess Diplomat in red, which recalls Condi's deep thoughts on this subject:

QUESTION: What is your favorite color?

SECRETARY RICE: Oh, well, that’s interesting. I love navy blue. I love navy blue. But when I want to feel really on top of things, I wear red. (Laughter.) I wear red because my mother told me once – and this is the thing with age again – when I was younger, I liked to wear pretty muted colors. And my mother said, “When you get to be 35, all of a sudden you’re going to want to wear red.” I had no idea what she meant, but she was right. So when I want to feel really on top of things, I wear red.

It also brings to mind Dr. Ferragamo's infamous "Red Dress of Grievances," the ghastly scarlet couture gown which made Great Britain sit up and hate Condi.

Also, why did the artist stick Condi in a corner? Was she bad? Yes, she was very, VERY bad.

It's a shame they couldn't have just borrowed the Museum of Modern Art's outstanding Condiportrait by Luc Tuymans:

Or they could have saved a bundle by purchasing this stirring black velvet Condi which, honestly, is no worse than the official portrait:

Or perhaps they could have hunted down my all-time favorite Condiart, the adorable Scorpion Condi made by a talented yet mean-spirited Jordanian cartoonist:

Or "Devil Condi" by a similarly cruel Lebanese illustrator:

Noma Bar's drawing of her from the New York Times:

Why does it have to be a painting? How about this marvelous sculptural Condi from the Arab Shoe Art Renaissance:

Or even Code Pink's insane Disneyland Greeter Condi::

But who am I kidding? They totally should have commissioned me to do a giant-sized version of my Kiss Condi:

UPDATE: Why didn't they have George Bush paint it? That could have been GREAT.