Tuesday, June 12, 2012

More Toy-Based Movies For Hollywood To Consider

 You'd think, with the expensive, embarrassing failure of Battleship, that Hollywood studios would think twice about basing extremely expensive movies on really cheap, relatively undramatic toys. But no, now there's going to be a Tonka Trucks film. Is nostalgia alone enough to sell a movie? Probably not, but I've got a few suggestions:

  • Fisher Price Little People: The Little People Family (William H. Macy, Charlize Theron, Daniel Radcliffe) acquire a farm and try to unravel the mystery of why the barn door moos every time they open it.
  • Play-Doh: Panic ensues when horrifying monsters escape from the Fun Factory. Luckily for everyone involved, the monsters turn rock-hard within hours and then crumble into dust. They cause little damage but make everything they come in contact with taste salty.
  • Sit 'n' Spin: Shia LeBeouf feels like whenever he tries to get any work done, his life spirals out of control.
  • Sophie the Giraffe: Sophie just likes to squeak when the neighborhood toddlers gnaw on her limbs. This goes on for 90 minutes.
  • Busy Board: Can Ice T, in his "crib," save the world by turning colorful knobs, pushing soft buttons, and sliding plastic levers which make engaging "clackity-clack" noises? Pay $18 to find out... in 3D!
  • EZ-Bake: Jennifer Aniston and Michael Cera's catering business is off to a shaky start when they realize that the only piece of equipment they can afford is a single 100 Watt light bulb.
  • Silly Putty: Everybody laughs when Sylvester Putty ( Freddie Highmore) falls asleep during class and then wakes up with the words from his biology textbook imprinted on his face, but later his peculiar physical properties save the day!


samael7 said...

Something happened when I got to the last two ideas: they seem actually feasable.

I'm pretty sure that was just because of the death of several brain cells along the way, contemplating Battleship, Tonka trucks (Tonka?), and Play-Doh CGI in close succession. And yet I can't help but think that a Jennifer Aniston/Michael Cera vehicle would turn out exactly like your hypothetical movie.

And Silly Putty would be an easy rip-off of Flubber.

And you forgot one of my favorite childhood toys, but that's okay, I'm already working on the sequel: Weebles II: The Weebling. Tag lin: "Don't fall down!"

davedave said...

Busy Board could work. CGI a baby body on Ice Cube and let the hilarity ensue. Right when the bad guys come to get him, wouldn't ya know he needs a diaper change.

Peteykins said...

I almost did Weebles! My idea was "Intrigue abounds at the most frustrating boxing match ever. Clint Eastwood directs."

Dr. MVM said...

I can't believe you beat me to this kind of post.

Anonymous said...

You had me doing spit takes on "Busy Board!" Agree about the Aniston/Cera vehicle. It's now playing... in my mind... damn you, daddy sir!

missannethrope said...


Anonymous said...

I thought it was bad when they started making movies based on Disney® rides, but you haven't seen the end of civilization until they are making movies based on old AD CAMPAIGNS, like forinstance...

Jack Black in "I Can't Believe I Ate The Whole THING." A lovably scruffy loser [Al K. Seltser] with an incredible appetite stands alone between an invasion of CGI meatball creatures intent on crushing mankind under the weight of their onslaught. In waves they came, and nothing could stop them... except for one man!

Finally, I want to write a song entitled "Director Attached To Unnamed Michael Cera Vehicle."

dguzman said...

How are you not making gazillions in Hollywood?