Friday, September 16, 2011

Totally Reasonable Restrictions

(PSP-on-Wonkette flashback to January 22, 2008)

All the fetuses are talking about Virginia's new restrictions on abortion clinics, but do they go far enough? There is an miniscule chance, after all, that some clinic may be actually able to work within the new rules. Some suggestions:

  • Abortion clinics should be required to have petting zoos featuring Tasmanian wolves, dodos, and velociraptors.
  • Doctors should be compelled to present to each patient a staged musical portraying the unborn child's first birthday party.
  • Bathroom fixtures must be solid platinum with rubies to indicate hot water, emeralds for cold.
  • Clinics must provide a five-story parking garage for each bed.
  • Each facility must include a cafeteria designed and administrated by Wolfgang Puck.
  • Any fetus aborted must first be proven beyond a reasonable doubt to eventually grow up to be either a terrorist or a hairdresser.

Only then can we be sure that Virginia's women will be protected.


rptrcub said...

You forgot:

-- Contemporary Christian music stations must be played over Bose stereo speakers installed throughout the facility.
-- To add to the last requirement, add "Democrat," "Mother Jones reader," "organic farmer," and "pornographer."

Peteykins said...

Excuse me, Reporter Cub, but that sounds like WAY TOO MANY exceptions to me. Slippery slope!

But LOL @ "organic farmer."

Anonymous said...

So, how long has the kid holding that sign been voting? And they accuse Democrats of voter fraud!

Anonymous said...

Wouldn't they have to use sapphires on the cold-water faucets? Or did you pick emeralds because they're more expensive?

Peteykins said...

Anonymous #1: that's why I took that picture; I was amazed. Click the link under the pic to also enjoy a sign featuring the word "abortion" misspelled.
Anonymous #2: Yes.

Anonymous said...

An article in The Onion on this topic suggested a law requiring women to name the baby and paint the nursery before getting an abortion.

Anonymous said...

@ myself the last anonymous comment...I would like to name the baby Newt or Calista before the abortion.

Rosa S. Levi said...

I was thinking of something like travel brochures and discount coupons for one-way air travel to countries where suicide is legal, but I couldn't come up with anything funny. So, how about kittens, in the petting zoo. Kittens are always good.

Anonymous said...

Clearly, these restrictions also need to be applied to oncology clinics - after all, that polyp in Timmy Teabagger's rectum could grow up to be GOP politician someday! ;)

heubler said...

Put abortion clinics in casinos, on Native American reservations. Then it would be near impossible to picket them, for fear of arrest. And aborting all those white feti would be a just revenge for the Trail of Tears.

Heyah ho!