That's a lot of Donny! What was it about the Osmonds? I guess they projected an image of complete non-threat, total puppiness. I couldn't relate to it then and I certainly can't relate to it now. Next up is one of the many, many house ads we'll be seeing (remember, 16 only carried ads for its sister publications; a little disappointing, really, because you just know if they carried regular ads they'd be totally great) and the table of contents to give you a better idea of what's in this issue:
Gloria Stavers just couldn't let go of her precious Beatles, even after they had broken up and gone on to careers which probably held little interest to 11-year-old girls. It's funny that they claim that Ringo "resents" being asked about possible Beatle reunions, because you just know at this point he would have sacrificed several digits for it to happen:
The! Emergency! Boys! I used to love Emergency. The breathless claim that Kevin Tighe "is now earning over $4,000 a week!" certainly puts today's TV actor salaries in perspective, doesn't it? The thing about Randy Mantooth is pretty funny, describing him as having been a spoiled jerk always bad-mouthing the show. But now he's changed, according to 16! Both Randy and Kevin ended up having pretty long fallow periods after Emergency, but ended up having perfectly acceptable and busy jobs as character actors/TV guest stars ever since.
Uh, oh... SHHHH! Secret! The picture of Marc Bolan totally freaks me out here:
And, sad, Freddie Prinze. But the best part of the page above is the gossip about Sonny and Cher. Did you know Sonny dated the fabulous Joey Heatherton? Yeah, me neither. But how about Cher "dating" David Geffen? Haw haw haw. "Cher and David, by-the-bye, are exactly the same size, which means that they can wear each other's unisex outfits." LOL. I wonder if he could fit into her Bob Mackie gowns? Also included are important details about Cher 'n' David's extravagant shoe shopping adventures. Up next, 16's endless serialized "Dorri" story. In this episode, she gets shipwrecked with Donny Osmond, and he tries to save her from a swamp monster:
Will Donny be successful against the horrible beast? I guess we'll never know. Below, the Heywoods finally get their big hit in the awful "Billy Don't Be a Hero." Little did they know it would be their only one. They started off as an opening act for, of course, the Osmonds. Later in the 90s they served as an opening act for Barry Williams. Today they have an almost supernaturally irritating webpage (warning: autoplaying music). Check out the peculiar instrumentation:
Now here's a very difficult Trivial Pursuit answer, one which only Canadians stand a chance of getting, René Simard:
This seems like a rather half-hearted attempt by 16 to create a new star. They must have known that pushing a non-English-speaking singer on their audience was a tough sell. On the other hand, I'm sure it boosted their circulation north of the border. Just about the only noteworthy thing about Simard is totally icky: his manager molested his sister. Ew.
And finally for this installment, Queen Linda Blair! Yay! It's kind of strange, because chances are good that most of 16's readers weren't allowed to see The Exorcist, but they knew about it, and that's what mattered. The best thing is that they talk about Linda's upcoming Born Innocent, surely one of the trashiest, maybe even THE trashiest, TV movies ever made, in which unlucky Linda is raped in a shower by a gang of tough prison lesbians with a toilet plunger:
Coming in the next installment:Alice Cooper "wants YOU as his victim," Roger Daltrey starring in one of the best worst movies ever made, Marie Osmond's Love Test, and Andy Williams' flash-in-the-pan teen idol sons. Yay!