Thursday, June 09, 2011

Book Shelf: 16 Magazine Vol. 16 #6, November 1974, Part One

Time for another superfab issue of everybody's fave teen mag, 16! What does this issue hold in store for us? Well, Osmonds, duh, but also the stars of Emergency! And Alice Cooper! And Linda Blair! All this adds up to a particularly trashy ish. All of the images in this post can be clicked for larger images for your reading pleasure. Shall we get started? Let's. Ok, the inside front cover is, naturally, Darling Donny™® Osmond. What did you expect? Anyway, here he is through the years:

That's a lot of Donny! What was it about the Osmonds? I guess they projected an image of complete non-threat, total puppiness. I couldn't relate to it then and I certainly can't relate to it now. Next up is one of the many, many house ads we'll be seeing (remember, 16 only carried ads for its sister publications; a little disappointing, really, because you just know if they carried regular ads they'd be totally great) and the table of contents to give you a better idea of what's in this issue:

Gloria Stavers just couldn't let go of her precious Beatles, even after they had broken up and gone on to careers which probably held little interest to 11-year-old girls. It's funny that they claim that Ringo "resents" being asked about possible Beatle reunions, because you just know at this point he would have sacrificed several digits for it to happen:

The! Emergency! Boys! I used to love Emergency. The breathless claim that Kevin Tighe "is now earning over $4,000 a week!" certainly puts today's TV actor salaries in perspective, doesn't it? The thing about Randy Mantooth is pretty funny, describing him as having been a spoiled jerk always bad-mouthing the show. But now he's changed, according to 16! Both Randy and Kevin ended up having pretty long fallow periods after Emergency, but ended up having perfectly acceptable and busy jobs as character actors/TV guest stars ever since.

Uh, oh... SHHHH! Secret! The picture of Marc Bolan totally freaks me out here:

And, sad, Freddie Prinze. But the best part of the page above is the gossip about Sonny and Cher. Did you know Sonny dated the fabulous Joey Heatherton? Yeah, me neither. But how about Cher "dating" David Geffen? Haw haw haw. "Cher and David, by-the-bye, are exactly the same size, which means that they can wear each other's unisex outfits." LOL. I wonder if he could fit into her Bob Mackie gowns? Also included are important details about Cher 'n' David's extravagant shoe shopping adventures. Up next, 16's endless serialized "Dorri" story. In this episode, she gets shipwrecked with Donny Osmond, and he tries to save her from a swamp monster:

Will Donny be successful against the horrible beast? I guess we'll never know. Below, the Heywoods finally get their big hit in the awful "Billy Don't Be a Hero." Little did they know it would be their only one. They started off as an opening act for, of course, the Osmonds. Later in the 90s they served as an opening act for Barry Williams. Today they have an almost supernaturally irritating webpage (warning: autoplaying music). Check out the peculiar instrumentation:

Now here's a very difficult Trivial Pursuit answer, one which only Canadians stand a chance of getting, René Simard:

This seems like a rather half-hearted attempt by 16 to create a new star. They must have known that pushing a non-English-speaking singer on their audience was a tough sell. On the other hand, I'm sure it boosted their circulation north of the border. Just about the only noteworthy thing about Simard is totally icky: his manager molested his sister. Ew.

And finally for this installment, Queen Linda Blair! Yay! It's kind of strange, because chances are good that most of 16's readers weren't allowed to see The Exorcist, but they knew about it, and that's what mattered. The best thing is that they talk about Linda's upcoming Born Innocent, surely one of the trashiest, maybe even THE trashiest, TV movies ever made, in which unlucky Linda is raped in a shower by a gang of tough prison lesbians with a toilet plunger:

Coming in the next installment:Alice Cooper "wants YOU as his victim," Roger Daltrey starring in one of the best worst movies ever made, Marie Osmond's Love Test, and Andy Williams' flash-in-the-pan teen idol sons. Yay!


Jim said...

Osmond could not look any more like Bieber.

Dixiefan said...

Emergency! Starring Julie London (sadly not singing Cry Me a River). The pictures of blue collar suburbia on fairly color saturated film are really cool. One of doctors would affectionally call London "Dix".

Matthew Hubbard said...

Teen screams Marc Bolan and Alice Cooper! Because not every girl is going to get saved from a swamp monster by Donny Osmond.

Fran said...

In 2002 or 2003 I had a rash of Donny Osmond encounters... in airports, on planes (oh the days of business travel, frequent flying and perpetual first class upgrades), in restaurants and ultimately we did meet.

I will say that he was without a doubt the very nicest celebrity type I have ever met... All that earnestness is not faked. Even before I was introduced by a Bentley driving producer as "the f**king broad who runs the TV ratings!" Donny was acting like he was meeting a celebrity... which I am *not*! And I may have worked for said TV ratings company at the time, but I was by no means the "f**king broad" who "ran" it!

Finally Donny, after hearing the umpteenth f**king f-bomb politely pleaded with the man to behave... H said and I kid you not, he might have to use "Mormon mouthwash," which apparently means washing the mouth with soap.

Oh the days of celebrity encounters! It was much better to read about them in 16!

PS -Randolf Mantooth - how can you not *love* that name!

samael7 said...

Wow, even just this far in, we've got polyamory, marijuana, Pinkos, and, of course, rock'n'roll. And that's mostly just on the John Lennon blurb!

Viewing the Evolution of Donny Osmand's Hair feature is terrifying. There's so....much...HAIR.

And I don't know why, but I suspect that the Dorri author also churned out the "Honey Hooker" series.

Cranky Old Batt said...

You peeps are so mean!

Jim! You take that back! That little twit you compared my beloved Darling Donny to could never be as adorable.

I loved Donny when I was too young to know better. Loved him, I tell you! I had this magazine and dreamed I was with Donny, not Dorri. And I was obsessed with purple.

Of course now he makes my skin crawl just a little, but whadday gonna do?

(Freddie Prinz looks like he just finished exhaling after setting the bong down in the picture.)

MrsTarquinBiscuitbarrel said...

Now THERE'S something for which to be grateful--my adolescence was unmarred by swamp monsters!

Not so fortunate on the Osmond front, however.

Anonymous said...

Jeese why does Paul get a WHOLE page but John, George and Ringo have to share a page? Favoritism much? And Paul is the only Beatle that includes his wife on every aspect of his career? Really? Clearly the people at 16 magazine were so far up Paul's (cute Beatle) butt they weren't aware of the fact that Yoko controlled every aspect of John's life. It was Yoko who pawned John off to May Pang when she wanted to scratch an itch with someone from her back up band (now that is a jokie in and of itself)and Yoko who decided when John could come home. And she decided everything else like excluding John's son Julian and all of John's relatives in his (John's) will. I could go on but I think I have mentioned Yoko's most egregious crimes.