Wednesday, December 17, 2008

This Year, Why Not Start a New Family Christmas Tradition by Burning Santa in Effigy?



Oh, the thrilling twists and turns of the internets! I was looking up info on Obama's new favorite preacher, Rick Warren, and found this amazing anti-Warren rant by Pastor Harry, a mentally ill Christian rapturist so extreme he makes James Dobson sound like Harvey Milk.

I digress! Anyway, Pastor Harry has the best thing ever on his site: long, lonnnng diatribes against the unholy Santa Claus, spinner of lies, denier of Jesus, bringer of Satan, etc., etc. Here's just a sample:

LYING TO CHILDREN ABOUT SANTA IS
A SERIOUS SIN THAT WILL KEEP YOU FROM
HEAVEN UNLESS YOU REPENT AND PRACTICE
THE TRUTH OF HIS GOSPEL.

PARTKING IN THE SANTA LIE WILL GUARANTEE
YOU A SEAT IN THE GREAT TRIBULATION WHEN
YOU ARE LEFT BEHIND IN THE FIRST RAPTURE.

IS SANTA WORTH LOSING YOUR HEAD OVER?


But how to cleanse your family of the evil Santa's pernicious influence? That's where the utterly fantastic Santa Be Gone™ Burnable Effigy Doll (seen above) comes in! What could possibly be more heart-warming:

SANTA BE GONE burnable effigy dolls use a specially designed "filler" (patent pending) that burns quickly and brilliantly without the need for dangerous accelerants such as lighter fluids.

IF OTHERS HAVE THE RIGHT TO DECORATE THEIR HOMES WITH LIT-UP SANTA DISPLAYS, THEN WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO PURCHASE AND (SAFELY) BURN A "SANTA BE GONE" DOLL AS PART OF OUR NEW CHRISTMAS TRADITION.

BEST TIME TO BURN YOUR SANTA BE GONE ritual effigy doll is Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Maybe you can buy two dolls one for the night and one for the day! MAKES A GREAT VCR GIFT!


OMG, I am so sold! It's so funny, because I honestly love the idea of burning Santa in effigy even though it's for completely different reasons than Pastor Harry's! And they're totally a bargain at only $95 plus $25 shipping and handling, which might seem steep, but they're hand-made (of cashmere, I wonder?) and, I mean, isn't it worth it to totally cleanse horrible Santa from your family's life? YES.

16 comments:

Mary Lynne said...

What Would Jesus Do? Burn Santa, apparently. So now I'm picturing Santa and Jesus in a gang war with flamethrowers, taking each other out.

This is seriously the most creepy and scary thing I've seen. Someone who WAS making a parody of the most extreme fundy viewpoint couldn't come up with this stuff.

Anonymous said...

Hey, for $95 I'd expect state-of-the-art accelerants. And for $25 shipping I'd expect it to have petrified reindeer scat as ballast.

TRex said...

One can only hope that those purchasing such a doll for it's intended purpose calmly places it in the center of their living room before igniting it.

Kelster93 said...

As a parent, this makes me feel SO much better -- my kids really needed a convenient way to burn things in effigy without using dangerous accelerants like lighter fluid.

rbohemian said...

This is particularly hilarious to me because I told my kids that the nativity story was a myth looong before I broke to them the truth about Santa! At least all the interesting people will be with me in hell!

dguzman said...

Do they sell other "____ Be Gone" kits too? Maybe a George Bush kit, or My Boss, or My Broker? This really could become all the rage as each of us conquers our personal demons (without dangerous accelerants).

Mari said...

Don't forget, if you rearrange the letters in santa they spell satan!

What a bunch of nuts! Who will accidentally burn their house down first?

Carmen Sutra said...

"MAKES A GREAT VCR GIFT"? I've never bought gifts for any of my appliances. Does that make me a bad person?

puravida said...

"DISCLAIMER: Pastor Harry, Carla Day, www.satansrapture.com and DoomsDay Talk Radio are NOT responsible for any injuries, damages or death for anyone who purchases and burns a SANTA BE GONE effigy dolls."

Does it matter if I'm wasted while burning Santa? Because I'll definitely be "partking" of copious amounts of eggnog during this year's Santa burning ritual.

And remember, if you don't do it for yourself, at least do it for the kids.

Anonymous said...

I so love that they make a point of noting they appeared on "Weird USA"

Anonymous said...

I think it's really Mr. Bill with a fake claymation beard.
And is it made in America?!?! or is this another Commie Chinese trick?

karenzipdrive said...

Holy shit, Pony, I thought you made this whole thing up, including the effigy you made from Kleenex and red Marks-a-Lot.
For the $95 plus shipping they're charging, you'd think they'd at least include a few strategically placed holes for a little Santa sex before lighting.
I only wonder if Pastor Harry turned Obama down and made him have to choose Rick Warren as his second choice?

Anonymous said...

I'm just disappointed that the Santa-Be-Gone doll doesn't come with more and varied options for righteous destruction rituals. Is there one that we can press to death with tiny faux boulders? One that comes with a witch ducking stool and a Barbie Dream House Swimming Pool? I'm ready to go Puritan on Santa's ass this year.

BigAssBelle said...

we have completely lost our minds on the religious front in this country.

other fronts too. but the crazy religious loonies are out. of. control.

smapdi said...

The Christ is in the Caps Lock.

Lulu Maude said...

The Rapture--another great way to make a buck.

I'm going to have to take this business opportunity under serious advisement. Obviously, I have overlooked the big money aspect.

I guess that's why I'm not a True Christian.