Thursday, August 10, 2006

Something Beautiful is Being Taken Away from Us

I'm writing about this late because I'm still kinda all choked up over it. Yes, something wonderful is being yanked from the schedule, something special, something kinda now, kinda wow:

Shed a bitter tear, because Bob Ney's hair will soon be leaving the building. Please contemplate its mysteries:

Is it a rug? A combover? Only his hairdresser knows for sure. But what really gets me is its color. How do you describe that color? Beige? Butterscotch straw? Wheatfield in the moonlight? Also... does the carpet match the drapes? Alas, now we'll never know.

I expect everyone to mourn the passing of Bob Ney's hair in their own special way. Please feel free to share your Bob Ney hairdo reminiscences, but remember that because America is a great country, democracy will ensure that exciting and provocative new hairdos will always be churned up into the halls of power. We csn help each other through this.

BONUS: Meet Bob's replacement! Please worship Ohio state senator Joy Padgett, who has some troubles of her own:

UPDATE: Um, my mention of Ms. Padgett's troubles, above, refers to the linked article from TPM Muckraker, not her rather pleasant appearance. However, those of you who commented that she looks like a nice lady may wish to find out more about her here.

UPDATE: I decided on a color name: Golden Hayseed™


Adam said...

Well, Sparkle Pony, I've gotta say that, upon first glance, Ney's hair looked like a toupee. Slowly, it began to look like a horse's mane cut short (insert witty quip about the pronounced similarity of his name and "neigh," perhaps with a hoof stamp for emphasis). He must have a masterful team, perhaps from those Bosley Medical infomercials, working on his follicles to engender this kind of doubt. I mean, if it ISN'T real, then the elves that produced it managed to match the Grimm "Rumpelstiltskin's-Day-Off-cum-Goldilocks-scared-shitless-after-being-confronted-by-the-Three-Bears" color of his eyebrows to it. Or do you imagine he has some Georgetown salon working on the process in reverse, a colorist making the tassels match the drapes and a waxer installing hardwood floors so no one will ever be the wiser? As the Joker said in the first Batman movie, "Only [his] undertaker will know for sure."

Anonymous said...

Awww, come on, Joy's not that bad. She looks like someone's nice auntie who always has cookies. I mean, she clearly needs a magic power scarf like our favorite Austrian Goddess, but doesn't she look like she'd have a perky platitude for anything that gets her down? She looks like she laughs easily, I like that in a person.

Karen Zipdrive said...

She looks like a typical GOP porker to me.
And I think Ney's sportin' a synthetic nylon wig.

Lulu Maude said...

He has a great future as a "consultant" for the men's hair club.

And I'm sure those pesky ol' laws don't apply to Joy... just to Demon-crats.

Praise her!

txyankee said...

She looks like she's got gas. Or is full of hot air. Which is a gas.

Carmen Sutra said...

Whatever it is, it looks highly flammable. I hope that no one flicks a cigarette butt up there. That would be a crying shame.

pineapple said...

she looks like she drowns kittens in her basement.

Miss Kitten said...

Trust me, I know little rodenty teeth when I see them.

Anonymous said...

Ney's rug (and presumably his carpet) is between dunn and gold. I propose dung colored.

As for Padgett: anyone who can be so brutal to a man who returned to Lebanon to make peace after he was held captive an brutalized for years, is sure to be super-sparkle tough on those terrible terrorists.

dusty said...

Golden Hayseed..I bow to your fantastic wit and wisdom PSP!

Beady eyes and rodent teeth..whats that say about his successor? New boss is same as the old boss.

Tami DeTruth said...

psp, as always you have tackled the more important (and sadly ignored) matters of today's politics. And I agree with you.

His hair IS Golden Hayseed!

As for Ms. Padgett, she reminds me of my grand-ma-ma; my abussive, drunken, evil grand-ma-ma.

Always loving you Sparkle!


samael7 said...

I tend to shy away from making porcine comparisons between the overweight and our piggy friends.

But damn if that schnozz ain't made for truffle huntin'.

Root! Root! Root!

CEO MHRW said...

Disclaimer: Men's Hair Replacement Workshop accepts no responsibilty or liability with regard to Mr Ney's flagrant errors, misuse and misinterpretation of the 4 Golden Rules (Hayseed or not) clearly specified in our "Creating Your Own Custom Piece" Easy-Peasy-Step-by- Step-Instructions.

Alicia said...

Nooooooo! Say it ain't so! Can't we just get rid of him and keep his 'do? It looks as if Bob 'Neigh' took some of his breakfast out of the manger and slapped it up top. He is a hairstyle icon rivaling that of past Congressional accomplishments (such as the time Fred Thompson stood on the Congressional steps and denounced Clinton as his prize-winning combover flapped in the breeze.)

I have another mane for him - the "Butterscotch Brillo-Pad"

Alicia said...

Also - is he Merv Griffin's long-lost twin brother? Just asking.

parnellpr said...

THAT is some rib cracking hair....LMAO


ach said...

The idea here is related to lou dobbs'
"Autumn Of The Patriarch" approach to former blondism. umm I can't go
on from there... well.. uh... I think the Hairdressers call it "texturizing"...

Anonymous said...

Re your first update comment: I'm sorry, PSP, I know you meant that she had ACTUAL troubles, not pertaining to her looks. I was just being flip.

She does look like my Aunt Jean, though, and my Aunt Jean is really nice.