Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Don't Bother Stealing Condi's iPod

So, OK, some boring Irish rock star with a sunglasses dependency got to edit The Independent over in Merry Olde England today. *Yawn* But anyway, filling up pages is hard, darn it, so said rock star thought it would be just a hoot to ask Princess Ferragamo about her favorite music. Normally, one would expect to learn something from this process, but then one would be forgetting how tightly our heroine controls her image. The result is the most boring and safe selections possible. Here's Editor and Publisher's conveniently condensed list:
1. Mozart
Piano Concerto in D minor

"I won my first piano competition at the age of 15, playing this work."

2. Cream
'Sunshine of Your Love'

"I love to work out to this song," says Rice. "Believe it or not, I loved acid rock in college - and I still do."

3. Aretha Franklin

4. Kool and the Gang

"It's just such a great song."

5. Brahms
Piano Concerto No 2

6 Brahms
Piano Quintet in F minor

7. U2

Rice, a big fan, is happy to listen to any of their tunes.

8. Elton John
'Rocket Man'

"It brings back memories of college, friends, my first boyfriend."

9. Beethoven
Symphony No 7

"Quite simply the greatest symphony of all time," is how Rice describes Beethoven's Seventh.

10. Mussorgsky
Boris Godunov
OK, so Russian modernism, predictable classical... Celebration by Kool and the Gang? Oh, come on. What a cop-out! And if the inclusion of U2 isn't just bare-faced pandering, then my bare-faced pandering detector is totally broken.

And I suppose we're supposed to say, "Whoooooah!" about the Cream song? OK, it was a huge hit, and it's almost 40-years-old, so let's not get too startled.

The key to the whole thing, of course, is the most clich├ęd selection on the list: Respect by Aretha. And that's what Condi keeps getting, even from people like Bono who should know better. Why is it? Here's a person who has helped --actively helped-- bring the world to the point of armageddon via a web of lies, deceit, trickery and obfuscation. But that's OK, because she's a strong woman who has come a long way, Baby. Maybe if more people saw through her gender and ancestry, they'd see her less as Oprah and more as... Donald Rumsfeld in a Chanel suit.

Oops, I dropped character! I meant to say, OMG, Rocket Man! I totally love that song!


Unknown said...

Bah. She needs to get off her bony ass and learn some Rachmaninoff. Prelude in C sharp minor really straightened me out. I wouldn't even think of being a weaselly, scheming diplomat after mastering that.

Anonymous said...

"Believe it or not, I loved acid rock in college - and I still do."

Uh...um...yeah...ok... Right.

RussCinDC said...

Okay, so now it's proven. Conditastic is actually white.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm..."Rocket Man" reminds her of her "first boyfriend"? How about "first and only boyfriend"? Then again, maybe she means "boifriend". 'Twas a strap-on rocket...

By the way, lame motherfucking list...

Lulu Maude said...

No Bach! Figures!!

Lulu Maude said...

p.s. Acid rock! Who the hell refers to anything as acid rock?!

Unknown said...

True dat lulu..but then she most likely never inhaled.

PSP..great line there..Rummy in a Chanel suit.

I hate Chanel..its for old people.wait..I am an old person..ah fuck it..

Sister Nancy Beth Eczema said...

Condi's acid rock confession does give an added meaning to electric kool-aid acid test... like maybe she used to fry her brains out while listening to Ummagumma and studying for her Russian history mid-terms.

samael7 said...

About what I expected, really, although that "acid rock" choice was mildly surprising. But, indeed, these were hand picked.

So here's Condi's actual random iPod selections.

1. Atom Heart Mother - Pink Floyd
("Breast Milky is my favorite bit! I work out to it!!")
2. Nemesis - Shriekback
3. Revolution 9 - Beatles
("They were so ahead of their time, you know?")
4. Goldnigga pt 2 - Prince
5. 9 to 5 - Dolly Parton
("I'm just a working girl too! Wish I only did it nine to five LOL!")
6. Fur Elise - Beethoven
7. Star Spangled Banner - Jimi Hendrix
8. Watcher of the Skies - Genesis
("Hmm, how did that get in here?")
9. God Save the Queen - the Sex Pistols
10. Toccata & Fugue in D Minor - Bach ("It's so romantic! I always put it on when I'm in the mood for love.")

Carmen Sutra said...

Off subject, but I find z7q2's hole more than a little disturbing. You should really get that looked at, hon.

Karen Zipdrive said...

Now we know for certain she's a complete twit.
She left out Glenn Gould and his Goldberg Variations. How could she?

Anonymous said...

Her gender and ancestry don't excuse the fact that she is supposed to be the US's top diplomat, yet the US entered an illegal war, and has tortured foreigners in Cuba and all over Europe. I don't know what kind of diplomacy that is. Maybe history will call it Condiplomacy!!! Ooh! I think I just coined a term! If you haven't already. Doesn't make her look very good, does it?

Peteykins said...

"Her gender and ancestry don't excuse the fact that she is supposed to be the US's top diplomat, yet the US entered an illegal war, and has tortured foreigners in Cuba and all over Europe."

Ah, but to many people, her gender and ancestry cast a cute pink fog over those inconvenient facts. That's kinda my point.

Anonymous said...

"Ah, but to many people, her gender and ancestry cast a cute pink fog over those inconvenient facts. That's kinda my point."

That's how The Man plays the gender/race card. E.g., get a hispanic to do your dirty work at the Dept. of Justice.

Joshua said...

How did this degenerate into a discussion of race politics? We were talking about Brahms! [Oh, and by the way: when the US entered an "illegal war" (a most unfelicitous phrase. The idea that wars can be condoned by the laws of nations is so obviously ludicrous that even Woody Wilson couldn't actually have believed it. Wars are as legal as the victors say they are. The American Revolution was illegal, so was the Civil War. We can easily see which one is still "illegal" -- better to fight our antiwar fights on some other grounds than the false and idiotic distinction between "legal" and "illegal" wars, which is more pedantic and less useful than the incomprehensible "good wars/bad wars" dichotomy) Condoleezza Rice wasn't the US's top diplomat. That would be Colin Powell.] Back to Brahms. I like the list! Listen, obviously she made mostly "safe" choices and certainly ones that are consistent with her age and classical tastes. U2 was obvious pandering, but maybe she really is a fan! Jesse Helms is! Anyway, she does go out on a few limbs, like naming Godunov the "best opera of all time." I think many opera buffs would dispute this and also would be enraged that a classical pianist would actually place Cream in number 2 and the "best opera of all time" in number 10. Is it safe? Anything with classical music in it is safe. Classical music is about as safe as can be! How daring does it get? Someone suggested Rachmaninoff. Ooooooooh. How SCANDALOUS! As if everyone in the damned classical world doesn't jizz all over Rach's corpse every single waking moment! Anyone can look smart by choosing any randomly selected five classical pieces and declaring them great, because, in essence, there are probably less than 20 composers worth listening too and everything any of them ever wrote is so boring and long that no one finishes it! Don't claim you do, you liars!

Godunov forever!

Esri Rose said...

Wow! Who knew classical music would be such a hot button with this crowd?

Lulu Maude, I'm with you. A little more Bach and maybe the Princess would have a few more critical-thinking skills.