Monday, April 03, 2006

Monday Audioblogging: That's No Pistol, That's a Revolver

Tell Me a Story Aunt B, Aunt Bertha and the Children's Bible Hour, Diadem Records, unknown date. Click for larger!

Please note: The recordings reproduced here carry neither a date nor copyright information. Nevertheless, please read the audioblog disclaimer.

There really isn't much to say about this week's selection of Christian stories for children, other than they are typically psychotic. What is it with Biblical fundamentalists and the heavy scare tactics? I guess it's because they're raising their kids in a culture which is counter-intuitive, counter-fun and borrring, so the anti-examples they feel they must provide tend to be pretty extreme. Here's a few words of wackiness from the back cover:

Click to see the entire back cover scanned HUGE (but in greyscale) so that you can enjoy every crazy word.

Aunt Bertha tells us a couple of whoppers here. First up is the tale of a little liar named Sorry. Exasperated by the boy's continuous pranks and Satanic disposition, Aunt Bertha gives the boy a demonstration of his sins so eccentric that it's no wonder he doesn't learn his lesson. Luckily, "unloaded" firearms and little girls make for much more compelling learning aids. Warning: this is lonnng, scratchy, and there's a terrible hymn at the end:

Sorry is as Sorry Does (14:56, 17.1mb mp3)

Next, little Timmy or Sammy, or whatever the hell his name is, doesn't understand the Holy Trinity. Of course, we know that's because he's smart, but Aunt Bertha feels that it's time to jump in with a ridiculous demonstration involving an egg, the sun, and theology which probably wouldn't pass muster at Bob Jones University. Fans of The Residents will snicker knowingly at the hymn at the end:

Three in One (9:47, 11.48mb mp3)

I'm sure some of you were raised with records like this. I'm sure glad I wasn't. Also, please enjoy the timeless void a lot of these religious recordings float within. Is it the 50s? The 60s? Only God knows for sure!

EDIT: Whoah! The Children's Bible Hour is still around! And they speak reverently of the "Aunt Bertha Period". CDs are available, but not of this ancient stuff, which is probably just as well.


Anonymous said...

Evey time I think I've heard it all, something comes along to top it. Last Friday Rush Limbaugh called a woman raped by the Duke lacrosse team a "ho" - live on the air. Today, Princess Sparkle Pony ups the ante by posting "Aunt B" Bible story audios. Hysterical and scary. Your blog is superb and has become a daily "must" for me. THANKS.

Lulu Maude said...

I'm not sure I dare listen. Look what's happened to those little buggers.

Anonymous said...

I love your audio blogging. I assume this is just a trickle of the collection. Thonk about insurance, my bro.

Peteykins said...

Andrew, my collection is small by record collectors' standards, but... I like to think... intense. I'm very glad you enjoy them!

I realize that today's selection tests the limits of what people will actually listen to. I'll probably do shorter, more fun stuff next week.

Ponykins said...

Thanks SP for a trip down memory lane. It is incredible to think that as young child I was taught I had to beg for God's forgiveness because I rode my bike across my neighbor's lawn...but how do I know if I have been forgiven?

Anonymous said...

Ha! This is great! We used to listen to the Children's Bible Hour when we lived on Okinawa in the 1960's. That Aunt B, she was really something, and some of those stories were really scary.

I remember soaping the words "Aunt Bertha, The Children's Bible Hour, P.O. Box 1, Grand Rapids, Michigan. Here it is again, boys and girls!" on each window of a local missionary-family's car one Hallowe'en.

You certainly find the good stuff, Princess Sparklepony! No wonder this is one of my favorite sites.

Anonymous said...

For those who want to download the second story, the correct link is,

Cheers and thanks for sharing this!

Much Love!!


Dave said...

Thanks for sharing SP.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for posting. I love Aunt B . She's my absolute favorite ever!

Paul said...

Wow I can't believe I found this album after all these years. I had it and heard it as a kid. The first story with the gunshot frightened me as a small child of 5 or 6. Thought about this album every now and again.
Thanks so much for the post

Anonymous said...

I was raised on this record and many more like this one too. Talk about fear mom would put these on for me to go to sleep ever listen to the golden age in the dark as a 4 year old??? I am now on meds for my fear and anxity for how quickly time is passing and that I will have to die!! "but I don't want to die! "Your gonna die Tom!!!" God I can not believe this crap!