What If Miley Cyrus Really Were Satanic?

According to Matt Barber, writing for World Net Daily (there's your warning), she is at the very least a tool of the Dark One:

Hannah Montana is what America once was. MTV Miley is America today. She “evolved” because we “evolved.” You saw it on display. It’s ugly. It’s Satanic.

Right, OK. But what if it were true? What would a typical week be like for Satanic Miley Cyrus?

• Monday: Billy Ray Cyrus nervously laughs off rumors that Miley's real mother was a jackal.
• Tuesday: Studio engineers contemplate whether or not Miley's fans are ready for an album of autotuned Black Sabbath covers.
• Wednesday: Excited Miley receives the copy of Anton LaVey's music she ordered from Amazon. Upon listening to it, she laments that it "totally isn't twerkable."  
• Thursday: Adviser patiently explains to Miley that outfitting a statue of the Virgin Mary with last year's Prada doesn't exactly count as "desecration."
• Friday:  "These sacrificial robes cover everything," gripes Miley.
• Saturday: MTV executives breath a sigh of relief as Miley finally agrees to replace blood-drenched goats with giant, pink teddy bears for VMA performance.
• Sunday: Miley admonished for texting during Black Mass.