Teen idol fever! Do you have it? Did you ever? Curious, I roamed around and asked some of my female coworkers this very question, and also asked if they had ever subscribed to 16 or Tiger Beat. The results were predictable: some just were never into it, while several claimed, disingenuously, that "Well, I didn't have any teen mags, but my sister/cousin/friend had lots of them." C'mon, ladies, fess up! My favorite response was from our curator of French paintings, who enthusiastically gushed, "Oh, yes! I looooooved Leif Garrett!" Others expressed their preferences: David Cassidy (obv), the Dave Clark Five (older staff member!), the Monkees, etc. One even thrilled me by saying she had a crush on Jack Wild! When she said, "I wonder whatever happened to him?" I quickly changed the subject, hoping she wouldn't Google him later. Depressing! Anyway, let's continue with this fab ish of 16. First up, OMG, Osmond's Funtime Clubhouse! Thrill at the wonder of it all as the Osmonds criss-cross the globe with their terrible, dreary, Vegasy cabaret act:
Click any page for dreamy biggerness IF you can handle it.
Jackson time! What do they carry in their pockets? Wouldn't you like to know? Now you can:
Hmmm... are you dissatisfied yet? Yeah, me too. Jermaine has a rock collection? Sorry, I'm not buying it. I kept hoping that one of them would claim to have a whole roll of quarters in their pocket, but no luck. Below, right, Michael coquettishly asks, "Want to know all of my bad, black and beautiful secrets – and find out what my brothers are hiding too?" YES MICHAEL, VERY MUCH:
This issue's microgossip column features Susan Dey and a whole bunch of people you've never heard of. The movie Susan's in is the ultra-campy Skyjacked, which I definitely recommend for fans of bad Charlton Heston movies. Mark Gruner never amounted to much in the entertainment industry, but Kris Tabori (Invasion of the Body Snatchers director Don Siegel's son) ended up as a busy character actor and TV director. Once again, Wes Stern makes an appearance, mortifyingly described as acting in McDonald's commercials:
Up next is just about the saddest thing I've ever seen in one of these teen mags, an article about the death by suicide of heartthrob Pete Duel. If you're not familiar with him, rest assured that plenty of people still carry a torch for the tragic actor:
I'm surprised by the relative lack of Brady Bunch stuff in this magazine. I suspect it was a studio thing, in that 16 seemed to have a relationship with Columbia Pictures, but perhaps not with Paramount. They were all over Tiger Beat, so maybe that's why Gloria Stavers shunned them. In any event, the light Brady coverage is more than made up for below, with the lyrics to their most awesome song, Time to Change:
OK, look, the spread below is where the exciting Osmonds/Jacksons poster is stapled in. I considered posting it here, but the effort in scanning it piecemeal and laboriously stitching it together just isn't worth it. So enjoy the cartoon below where the girl doesn't realize that the boy likes her not because she loves dogs, but because she's tied up:
I bet you got excited about the whole "Osmond wedding" thing teased on the cover, didn't you? Sadly, it's one of the dud Osmonds, Tommy. The only somewhat funny thing is when Lyn Osmond talks about how marriage is forever to Mormons... one spouse for life! Later, of course, they divorced:
The boring wedding saga continues. She talks about how she wants to have "ten little Osmonds," but she only ended up having five (underachiever). On the right, I love the utterly psychotic drawing of Donny:
Susan Dey! With advice for you! Basically, Susan would like you to stop constantly picking and scratching and biting yourself:
TV and movie gossip about flop shows that nobody over 14 watched are up next. OK, let's hit IMDB and find out if any of these people made good. Brandon Cruz was the kid on The Courtship of Eddie's Father and was later a member of the Dead Kennedys (!!) Sam Austin is a total mystery; he doesn't seem to be any of the Sam Austins on IMDB. Barry Evans seemed to have a decent career on UK television. Elsewhere we've got young Jan-Michael Vincent and Vincent Van Patten, both constantly busy as ever. Adorable Philip Frame's acting activities, however, seem to have stopped the moment this column was published:
Whew! This teen idolizing is exhausting! Coming up next in part three, the rest of the magazine, includin, would you believe, more David Cassidy, a special focus piece on Marlon Osmond (what's he REALLY like?), and Bonanza's annoying orphan, Mitch Vogel, on the Dating Game. Dreamy!
Part one is here.