Fashion Victim Tutorial: How To Make An Annoying, Painfully Trendy T-Shirt Design

Gather 'round, kiddies, because I'm going to help you strike it rich! I've been meaning to devise this tutorial for well over a year, and I'm distressed that it's still valid.

OK, you want to make an irritating t-shirt? First of all, it has to feature wings (THIS IS NOT OPTIONAL) and really should include a skull. Let's start with a pair of wings; it doesn't matter where you steal get them:

Why are the wings such a requirement? I have no idea. Don't question me! Basically, the overall vibe you want is caduceus meets tattoo design + random crap. Like I said, a skull is optional but why take the chance of not including one? Look, Alexander McQueen died for you, OK? Place your skull:

Next, you need to add some sort of element reminiscent of Rococo tracery or shapes found in fleur de lis motifs (resist the urge to use pseudo-Maori "tribal" elements; the 90s are over). I'm just going to dump in a simple example of the latter:

Now you need some more-or-less random crap in the background. I strongly urge you to use old-fashioned handwriting:

DO NOT pay any attention to what the handwriting says, because madness awaits down that road. OK, it's time for some color. Stick to grayed-down colors, burgundies, mustard yellows, dull greens, burnt oranges, etc:

OPTIONAL: why not use some metallic ink? It'll look like absolute shit after only one washing! OK, now we're ready for the shirt itself. It should be either black, burgundy, or dull army green. Think drab:

Now it's time to place your design. Here is a crucial point: even though you've just made a symmetrical work of "art," DO NOT place it in the center of the shirt. Make it look like the garment was just tossed haphazardly under the screens:

Not shown above, but crucial nonetheless: sandpaper your silkscreens a little to give them a totally phony "distressed" look.

Last step: contact the buyer at Nordstrom Rack.

Obviously, these are all suggestions (BUT NOT THE WINGS! THEY ARE REQUIRED!), and this is a highly-simplified example (not nearly enough random crap) but I'm sure you'll agree that the tutorial above will help you make a t-shirt so trendy, so incoherent and badly-considered, that you will be rolling in money in no time.

You're welcome.

UPDATE: After completing the above from memory, I thought I'd check Urban Outfitters to see if I could find a good example, and was astonished to find this meta-ironic version:

I swear I didn't see that before writing the tutorial. Points off for symmetrical placement, though.

UPDATE: I also didn't previously see this obnoxious Ecko design, which includes every single motif suggested above:

UPDATE: This is the kind of link I love:

Wil jij ook wel eens meedoen met de mode ?
Dan vindt je hier een pracht van een handleiding om je eigen coole trendy T-shirt te maken voor weinig !
Het is eenvoudig en makkelijk als je de stappen volgt. En niet te vergeten : Je bent echt de bom deze zomer in je eigen unieke shirt !
Laat je fantasie eens gaan over een mooi en eigentijds ontwerp !

It's funny because it's Dutch!